I can't cope with my baby

[Lost1401]

Name changed for this. I have a 3 week old and I can't cope with him.
He's spent the last few days cluster feeding and I can't do anything or go anywhere. I can barely find time for myself to go to the toilet. On a night when I put him down he whinges and it then turns into full on screams until I feed him again even if he delatched himself and showed no more interest in feeding.
My partners gone to work on barely any sleep and I'm functioning on no sleep. He's feeding yet again, he's been feeding constantly. He screams when I change his nappy and he cries when I change his clothes. I just want to put him down and run away.
It got to the point earlier where when he was crying I shouted at him to shut up. Sometimes I leave him to cry because I'm scared I'm going to hurt him if I go to pick him up because I get angry. I know that's awful, getting angry with a tiny baby. I know it's not his fault and I feel like such a shit mum :(
I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel so down and I dread the night times with him. I seriously cannot cope anymore.

I don't know why Gemma's post was taken so offensively either!

Nothing to add as the mountains of advice already posted is brilliant, but just wanted to say I felt the same. HATED baby days of DD, it was, to date, one of the worst experiences of my life. She cried and cried, I cried and cried, it was horrible. I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life. BUT - it wasn't! And it got better and better and better (even though she is still a massive pain in the backside!! Albeit a lovely one!).

I'm sure there are people who enjoy the baby bit, and hell, I (almost) did the second time around, but I think on the whole the first 12 weeks or so are just a time to be got through as best as possible. It is SUCH a shock to the system - I only wish people would talk more honestly about it. And if you reach the shutup shouty stage, I found it very cathartic to sing lullabys in a sweet voice but swapping all the lyrics for swear words (!).

Keep going. And every night sit down and think of what bits went well during the day, no matter how small.

OP I know a lot of people have said this but I felt exactly the same and also felt like I had to do everything myself because it was me my baby needed and the weight of responsibility with the sleep deprivation and feeling like I didn't know how to do anything right just had me a crying, shouting, angry mess the whole time. It's only with hindsight that I realised that the world wouldn't have ended and my baby wouldn't have come to any harm if I'd handed her over some of the time and got some rest. If your mum is still around or any friends or DP then let them take the baby out for a few hours and get some proper rest, a nice bath and a bit of time to yourself. The baby may cry during that time and may want to feed but for a few hours he'll be absolutely fine, as you said he's putting on weight, feeding well and is a healthy baby, you just need to make sure you keep yourself healthy too. I wish I'd accepted more help now and it's not a mistake I'd make again.

Oh. God yes Weebles, I felt the same and used to sing 'shut the fuck up' to the tune of the lullaby. Very cathartic!

My baby is just over 3 weeks and is a cluster feeder also. I;ve had to put him down a number of times as I've been so tired I've fallen asleep while feeding. It is utterly exhausting. BUT, the last 2 days he's been quiet so I think its all to do with growth spurts etc. The HV said this is all normal. We just have to stick with it. Hope you're feeling better today.

Lost, it's so hard isn't it. I had a very similar start with DD (now 29 weeks) and I saw a lactation consultant who suggested she had ULT and was struggling with oversupply and fierce let down. It ended up transpiring that DD also had silent reflux. Luckily it's responded to infant gaviscon and now we are starting solids it's so much better.

If you want to EBF then keep going. I felt very similar to you and certainly was in the edge of PND and I know, for me anyway, introducing FF would have made me feel worse not better.

It was sometime around 6 weeks when I 'gave in' and realised it was going to be shit until it got better and somehow that made it easier. There were still times I had to put her down for 30 seconds and breathe but reframing it and immersing myself in the 4th trimester helped me cope emotionally.

There is some great advice upthread, especially about singing shut the fuck up and go to fucking sleep to the time of your favourite lullaby
I agree women should be more honey about how hard the first few weeks are - I felt truly awful admitting how much I hated the first few weeks but now, it's a whole different world and while still hard, it is very much more manageable.

Good luck and be kind to yourself

I'm gunna be honest; It doesn't always get easier around the 4 week mark and all settle down. My twins were ebf on demand and cluster fed constantly so much so I had to introduce dreamfeeds to make them sleep longer during the nights to make them sleep longer. They are now 17mo and still drink upto 50+ oz of bm each a day and only two feeds during the night (thank god for my deep freezer!) However my previous DC were both fussy as a newborn but did settle down around 4 months.

Not trying to scare you or deter you, just making the point that it may be as simlple and easy for baby to settle into feeding but there are ways to cope and routines can help some.

I hope your baby does settle down and you get the rest that you need. :)

your dilemma took me right back to a couple of weeks ago OP (weak, with eyebags)

I was just lying here thinking I am so tired but baby asleep and really have nothing to complain about (prem baby now 13 days corrected age, 10 weeks actual).

I might get this helpful book to cheer me up

Sorry not had chance to read all replies so sorry if I duplicate!

Just wanted to say I felt the same with dd at your stage, had dreadful anxiety and thought I'd made an awful mistake having a baby. No one had warned me I could feel like this so was sure I was getting PND.

Things improved gradually (6 weeks then 12 weeks were my goals) and easing the pressure I put on myself to be 'a perfect mum' helped.

My DD cluster fed lots and was very sucky so was comforting rather than feeding but I hadn't realised. The breastfeeding midwife at the hospital said there was too much emphasis on nipple confusion and that once a baby knows how to latch properly its rare to forget. So she checked my latch then I introduced a dummy and the odd expressed bottle at about 10 days. No probs with my milk and bf til 11 months (only stopped as PG again it got painful).

Try not to worry, how you feel doesn't mean you will get PND or that you don't love your baby. A newborn is so hard with no sleep for you and this crying bundle that doesn't come with instructions but gradually things settle.

Second time round was still hard for me but least I knew to expect it and just 'survived' the early weeks.

Well done and congrats!

How are you feeling op?

We had a stressful weekend with a change in poo colour!!

I remember being told that when you give birth you gain a baby and a guilt gland that will be overactive! I think this is the best information I was given!!

x

How are you doing OP?
Just to let you now that so many women feel like this in the early weeks-invluding myself after DC2 was born....but that does not mean you have to go through this without help. please do reach out to you HV/GP, friends, etc as they can help and provide useful support and tips how to cope better. Sleep deprivation is a killer and bf can be so exhausting. Hope you are ok.