I can't cope with my baby

[Lost1401]

Name changed for this. I have a 3 week old and I can't cope with him.
He's spent the last few days cluster feeding and I can't do anything or go anywhere. I can barely find time for myself to go to the toilet. On a night when I put him down he whinges and it then turns into full on screams until I feed him again even if he delatched himself and showed no more interest in feeding.
My partners gone to work on barely any sleep and I'm functioning on no sleep. He's feeding yet again, he's been feeding constantly. He screams when I change his nappy and he cries when I change his clothes. I just want to put him down and run away.
It got to the point earlier where when he was crying I shouted at him to shut up. Sometimes I leave him to cry because I'm scared I'm going to hurt him if I go to pick him up because I get angry. I know that's awful, getting angry with a tiny baby. I know it's not his fault and I feel like such a shit mum :(
I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel so down and I dread the night times with him. I seriously cannot cope anymore.

You've hit the nail on the head, everything is a billion times worse when you're sleep deprived. You should be really proud of yourself, you are keeping your lo alive, he is thriving and growing and developing every day. I look at my Ds (now 16 weeks) and I think - I did that! I remember, very clearly, feeling exactly as you do. Hold on in there and be kind to yourself.

Gemma - not helpful

Lost - loads of great advice here. 3 weeks was a fucking nightmare for me as DH went back to work.

Promise it gets better

Not much to add to the majority of very sensible posts above, but just wanted to send support. Your post reminded me so much of the early days with my ds1, who was a very high maintenance baby, feeding day and night and unwilling to be put down without screaming.

Good to see that you are feeling more positive. Sleep is, and will be, your friend for a long time. Never feel guilty about having an early night or a daytime sleep when the opportunity arises.

Does your ds like the car seat? The only time he settled, apart from on me, was in a moving car. We eventually borrowed a battery operated chair which vibrated, which he loved too.

Echoing the thoughts above - it will get easier, and you sound amazingly articulate for someone who is battling through these early days. Not sure I could have managed whole sentences at this stage!!

Best of luck

Hi Lost. Hope you are feeling better this morning. Some excellent advice from soup here.

God yes sleep deprivation can wreak havoc on your mood. But as all are saying these really hard days do pass. Really. My ds2 is 9 weeks this weekend and already I can't believe the changes.

Breastfeeding at the start can be really demanding. What you are describing could be a sign of a greater issue like latch or tongue tie so worth checking again if you are concerned. Is there a breastfeeding cafe/group near you? But equally he could just be a really sucky baby. My ds1 was like this. I don't know how you feel about co sleeping but feeding lying down can be a real help when knackered. Does he settle better if held? If yes, then snuggling next to you will mean you will get more sleep. I would definitely recommend this. I think people worry about making a rod blah blah blah but having a baby in bed can mean better sleep and rest for all. It won't be for long. As my midwife said to me 'you're not going to have a 12 year old in your bed. Just right now while he's tiny.' I think in those first few weeks it helps then as they become more familiar with the world being alone in a cot is not so scary. Oh and maybe try a dummy again in a few weeks once breastfeeding is a bit more established. It can really help settle a baby.

If you are keen to breastfeed then all I can say is that it does can so much easier. In the meantime you must look after your needs.

I think it was soup who said you need to adjust your expectations of yourself and baby. So true. Before ds1 I thought babies just slept and liked being cuddled. Good god it was a shock how little this bore on the reality. So if you Are going to be glued to a Velcro baby then get people around you to help meet your needs. things like fetch the remote, get you a drink (tea, squash, wine:) ), do the bit of house work that is bothering you out the corner of your eye, get you some more cake. I am sure your Mil can do this and if that is what you need then just say.

It takes a lot to admit our darkest moments as parents. I can identify with the anger you describe and getting cross. It is frustrating and bewildering to find yourself with something so dependent on solely you. I didn't tell anyone how felt with ds1 but what you say is close to my experience. Keep talking about it. It helps. Could you talk to your gp? Or health visitor? Partner? Don't feel ashamed. Admitting your vulnerabilities and worries is far more empowering than letting them fester. It is fucking hard work being a new mother. Awesome and great at times but hard. Enjoy the highs, ride the lows is my motto. Make sure you share those lows and capitalise on any help you can get. Oh a book that has helped me is called understanding your baby from the Tavistock. Not a routine book but one from psychotherapists on experience of a new baby for parents and baby.

Last things, If you can carve our half and hour for a bath a day for baby free time then do. I loved this time it can super relaxing to do something physically enjoyable for yourself. Bath bomb, bubbles, candle, magazine.... Also get in some decent box sets. It is one of the few times in your life when you can justify total tv immersion and do it:) so the wire, good wife, walking dead, west wing.... Okay now I am just listing my favourites but you get my drift. Take care.

If you want to ff that is of course totally okay - but if you are keen to keep bfing then do be assured that this stage will pass sooner than you think possible.

I absolutely agree with the people who said:

1. Get help from your support network - family if possible, HV or GP and talk with your husband about how to sort things so you both get some break (and if that means he holds a crying baby for 30 minutes or an hour while you shower / nap / take a walk / call your best friend / sleep that is fine - it will help them get used to each other, and your baby is certainly not being left to cry it out).

1. Get a good sling, soft is great (like a moby), manduca also good, not a baby bjorn that you can't use for too many hours a day. Our fussy little DS lived in his, fed in it, and it meant that even when he was crying I could get a glass of water or grab food.

1. If you have a minute, the fussy baby book by dr sears can help you feel like you're less alone in having a 'high needs' baby, and that neither of you is doing anything wrong, and that you should do whatever it takes to get through.

Cosleeping (safely) saved my sanity. If you do decide to try ff, you are in no way failing - but in these really early days I would strongly suggest pumping as well if you have any plan to bf, I did a 2 week formula trial for medical reasons and like you, I found it a huge faff and it actually made it harder to comfort DS, as he was just as tricky to comfort but I didn't at least have the boob to help.

and just focus on the next day, in just a few more weeks you will be looking back on this as a distant memory, and in a few months it will shock you how vague it all becomes.

It's just unbelievably hard, isn't it. No one who hasn't been through it can actually understand it. Sleep deprivation is the worst torture you can inflict on someone.

Ask for and accept all help. Don't worry about the house or cooking, get ready meals or takeaways or ask your MIL to make some soups or stews for the freezer.

When your DP is around, hand him the baby straight after a feed and tell him to take him for a walk / drive so they are out of the house for min 1 hour - just use that time to sleep. My colleague pushes his new baby around a loop around his house so he can walk for hours but never be more than 10 minutes away if the baby needs feeding. It gives his wife some time to sleep.

It does get better, keep an eye out for colic or reflux as well and keep pestering your GP or HV if your DS isn't settling.

Congratulations on your baby

I went to post this last night and it just froze. I managed to copy it and save it to post later. Bit late now there are so many posts though!

Some great advice here so not much I can add really. Except we all feel like this at times, you are not a bad mum. You are just exhausted and it's tough. I'm typing this on my iPad stood outside my bedroom door where I have been trying to get my 6 week old to sleep for 3 hours. It's really tough and I fully understand!!

Few suggestions:

1. Go to a breast feeding clinic ASAP. Get yr babies latch and tongue assessed. Also for tips about enduring baby is eating enough, mine wasn't so I'd need to wake him up before by changing his happy, and tickle his feet during feeds to keep him awake.
2. As your health visitor for help - tell her what is happening, she is there to help & should not judge you. As about signs of colic and reflux
3. Is there anyone, like a family member, who can help you out? Take the baby for an hour or two to give you a break?
4. Think about letting your husband sleep in spare room / sofa to ensure he gets a good nights sleep.. In exchange for giving you an hour in the evening to sleep/ wash your hair/ have a cup of tea when he gets home from work. And perhaps to take baby for 30mins in the morning before he goes off to work to give you time to shower & have breakfast. Crying or not you need this time to yourself
5. It's about £80 a night, but if you can afford one of my NCT friends had a night off by paying for a night mat nurse. Sleeping babies.com

Lastly it will, will, get better. Promise x

I could have written your post 1.5 years ago.

In fact I think I did! :)

Dd1 was and still is a very very high needs baby. Had to be attached or she would cry. None of those early feeding cues you get told about - she would go from asleep to screaming in a split second. And the colic... Oh the colic! DP used to walk with her with his industrial ear defenders on as it wound him up do much.

So many times we had to hand her over to the other one to stop us shouting at her...

It is awful to have a baby that is unhappy whatever you do.

In our case things improved when I cut out dairy, and discovered slings. Dairy free made her a little less grumpy, but she still cried if put down. Slings meant I could have a wee, or make a cuppa. If I wanted a shower though, then she just had to cry as I washed at break neck speed. No one else was acceptable - just me :(

It got better at 8 weeks, then again at 12 weeks. She's still bloody hard work, and now I have dd2 who is completely different (and bloody sleeps!) now I understand how most people enjoy motherhood, because I didn't with dd1.

It wasn't me, it was her. Hope this helps. It will get better :).

(at the very least you get used to surviving on zero sleep! You hit a wall, think you will die, hallucinate a bit, then your body adapts )

DP however is still in the spare room as she is still a crap sleeper. The 4 month old sleeps better. So I certainly don't have solutions, just empathy x

You poor thing, you sound exhausted. Everything is a million times harder with no sleep. Don't worry it gets a lot easier very fast. I've been where you are.

I had a hard time feeding (inverted nipples) and really struggled until someone advised I combine feed for a while. I'd bf all day (literally sometimes non-stop all day) then ff a late night feed, ff again for the mid night feed. DS slept great after the ffs. As we got more established I dropped the ffs altogether. It'll allow your DH to get involved and get you some rest. I also alway expressed one feed a day. DS loved this feed.

I was warned it may impact my supply but I did not find this to be the case at all. Possibly because I always pumped and drained both breasts last thing at night.

You really are doing great. I promise it gets easier.

Breastfeeding gets easier around 4 weeks. Sometimes to feed my baby in bed, I prop myself up until she has a good latch, then gently lie down. My DS used to only sleep on top of me or my OH. Didn't notice that stopping, but it has. She'll wake up when we put her down, unless she's wrapped in a blanket for a while first. She'll still wake up sometimes. A bouncy seat and baby gym are useful for a few minutes. Still take her to the loo and put her in the bouncy seat.
I'm putting a link because there's different types of bouncy seats: www.mothercare.com/Bright-Starts-Jolly-Safari-Baby-Bouncer/593581,default,pd.html#q=bouncy%20chair

It does get better and they will go to sleep eventually.

yy mixed feeding
liquid cosh formula at night was magic
don't do any housework, get friends & rellies to do it
eat ready meals - some eg m&s are nice
how you feel is totally normal
it will get better

While I appreciate what previous posters are saying about ff, as someone who bf through PND, I just want to reassure you that it is possible to carry on feeding through these difficult times if that is what you want to do.

1. You need to crack feeding while lying down as that will allow you to doze whilst feeding - it was an absolute lifesaver for me. There are some good videos on YouTube, or you could contact your local La Leche League group if you have one. If you PM me with your location I will search and see if there's one for you.

2. you need to find a sling that works for you. it's worth finding out if there is a sling group near you for advice.

3. are you taking a good multivitamin? Low levels of key nutrients (b,d etc) post pregnancy can affect your mood.

If you're anywhere near me, I will come round and show you how to feed lying down and my sling collection! My first DS was incredibly high needs and clingy, and as I said above, I had significant PND and did my fair share of shouting in the early days :(. It does get better - I'm now happily tandem feeding both him and his nearly one year old brother, and those hard, dark times are just a memory.

Lost - your not alone , I you read my posts over the last week you will see that ! I have a 2 week old DS and it's been so tiring ! You have been through a lot mentally and physically , it does get easier (experience as have a 4yo dd) sometimes it just takes a little longer than we think and a little harder than we expected

I BF my 4 dc.
I remember the first few weeks well. You are doing well, having a baby takes a lot of adjusting to, never mind being sleep deprived.
I fed lying on the bed when I could. I had a c section and found it comfy. Assuming baby is gaining weight just concentrate on feeding and looking after yourself. Accept help with housework etc.
They do feed a lot, but it does get better.
I remember my mum saying that there was no problem putting baby back in cot for 10 mins or so if i was feeling upset. They are safe. Go and put kettle on and then go back.

I remember DD screaming and screaming at night and DH had to put her in her car set and drive around for almost an hour before she stopped and went to sleep. She was miserable in this world for awhile...now at 8 months people comment on what an unusully happy and calm baby she is. It WILL pass but it doesn't feel like it, does it!?

Yy to whoever said getting the whole "feeding while lying down" thing down....it is wonderful. It took DD a lot of practice but now I co sleep with her and barely have to wake when she does during her nap and at night time....I just insert boob and go back to sleep. :)

Just wanted to say that it will be much easier just a few weeks from now - my lowest point was at about 4 weeks and now DS is 9 weeks and it is so much better, everyone is calmer, DS, me, and DH, and there is a pattern to life with more sleep time. Hang on for just a bit longer and it will be great when your LO smiles at you and starts looking around and gurgling and doing funny faces. This difficult time will pass. Every day things change a little bit, like baby's neck gets stronger so you can hold him more confidently and so on.

Hello Lost Here gorgeous have some and and a bunch of . PLEASE cut yourself some slack. Everyone knows how hard cluster feeding is, how draining ebf is, how you in sleep deprived mode will do anything To. Make. It. Stop.

All I have is this for you...

1. Make sure dp is preparing you sandwiches wrapped in foil and put in the fridge before going to work.
2. Move a mattress onto the floor or invest in a futon mattress and a decent breastfeeding pillow.
3. Get big jug of water and juice, bowl of nuts, raisins, babybels or cheese cubes, packet of oaty biccies etc all at hand.
4. Get naked. Get baby. Lay down. Skin on skin. Try with your baby and pillow to get into position comfortable for both of you. Try to sleep when baby sleeps. He may learn quickly how to latch on himself while you are asleep ( I am a big girl. not obese but big, am also exhausted but my body intuitively knows where the baby is - have three, never rolled on them. If this unnerves you as you are so tired get dp to watch over the pair of you on a weekend afternoon and try to catch up some precious sleep that way)
5. Ask dp to take baby for walk or drive even for ten minutes and 'power nap'
6. Forget housework and cooking until more human - any friends or family able to offer a meal at theirs or to cook at yours or put a hoover round grab at it and stay in bed. If noone available and finances can cope then ready meals and dp does the screaming as a rotation shift.
7. Sippy cup or small cappucino cup and ready formula to top up - done in the bath as it is messy - the formula can be used at room temp and does not need mixing OR aptamil have ready to use six packs of 90ml formula including teats which means dp could do one night for you just to save your sanity

www.boots.com/en/Aptamil-1-First-Milk-Liquid-Starter-Pack-from-Birth-Ready-to-Feed_1262721/

1. If above and you worry about supply revert back to babymooning (baby skin on skin in bed with you) next day AND drink some breastfeeding tea (fennel, fenugreek etc you get teabags for bf mums)

I hit the wall at 7 weeks with dc1, dc2 and dc3 did the above....a lot easier to cope with. ebf til 2yrs+ Not suggesting the latter - AM saying that co-sleeping can make it easier. Shifts - dp sleeps separately 12-6am then relieves you for an hour, does 50% at weekends and/or gives you weekend lie-ins/2 hours on 2 hours off turn-taking - This is what will help you survive.

The earliest weeks are hellish - especially if first child.
The urge to throw your baby out the window does not make you the world's worst mum - it makes you human.
Cry-sis etc are on the end of the phone.
Walking out the room/away from your baby if you need to take a minute to repose yourself/count to ten/make a tea etc is EXACTLY what you need to do and what is recommended. That is how people DON'T throw their babies out of windows.

1. Check for colic/reflux/other causes

10. Try a dummy - I got the natural rubber one Orlando Bloom used and dc2 didn't want it the heathen!

www.amazon.co.uk/Hevea-Star-Orthodontic-Pacifier-Months/dp/B004GVFRM0/ref=pd_sim_by_2/276-7750683-8536551

10. pm me any time you want a vent or shoulder to cry on or bump this thread. I will look out for you as I am often up at stupid o'clock.

You are coping in the hardest darkest bleakest moments. Many have been there and we can offer virtual hugs xxx

oh and gemma Have a and DFOD - Leaving a baby to cry is better than shaken baby syndrome. The OP is talking minutes not hours ffs. I also understand her totally re bf rather than ff from a practical point of view - I have the utmost respect for ff for the time they take in sterilising and getting up to warm up bottles.* I am too lazy to do that - bf means I don't have to. If OP is knackered and on a sleep deficit adding bottle prep to the mix won't help unless dp who is working steps up to the plate. I say that as a practical person not a lactivist.
FF won't cure tongue tie, colic, reflux, clinginess or growth spurts - it might help lengthen the gaps when cluster feeding but it isn't a cure-all for a Crier. Same as bf isn't.

*Caveat - am aware micro sterilisers are fantastic and bottle warmers are effective. Have worked in a creche.
caveat 2 - the apatamil starter pack from boots 6 x 90 mil (540ML total but in 6 ready made bottles with teats) are expensive but can be used asap/no need for sterilising and at room temp. These are a godsave if a top-up is needed or dp wants to do a one-off shift.

godsend dammit i need some sleep now

Night OP

OP, you completely missed the point of my post. If things are that bad, then surely it makes sense to introduce some formula? Although I bf mine, I would ocassionally give them a bottle if they were extra hungry or I was extra tired. It sounds like you could benefit from doing the same, at least then your DH could feed the baby whilst you get some sleep.

Well Gemma, perhaps you could acknowledge that your point could and should have been made in a more compassionate and thoughtful manner where the OP is so obviously vulnerable.

I am sorry it was taken the wrong way, honestly I meant to help. If anything, I get very irritated at how people are made to feel like a failure if they don't ebf.

I don't see how Gemma's post was so offensive. It's true!

I just don't understand why people are not more honest before we have babies! Newborns are hell, pure and simple. It is totally brutal and no one really warns you about it in advance.

But it will get better very soon. Just hang on in there. And carry on bf'ing!