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Original poster

What should i do??

30 replies

saintshar · 09/03/2004 11:07

I moved house in December, and my cousin lives across the street. She has two DD's, one who is 5, one who is 2mths, and a DS who is just turned 10. My DS, who is 8, was not at all happy about moving and leaving all his friends, it was very difficult at first. But now my DS and my cousins DS have become firm friends, which is great.
Anyway, to the problem. My cousin is in a newish relationship (he is Dad to her youngest DD) and i have heard a lot of bad things about him, but i try not to listen to all the gossip.
My cousin has been going out to the pub on a Saturday and Sunday, taking her two DD's with her, but not her DS.
I work on a Sunday, and the last few Weeks when i have got home from work, he has been sitting on the doorstep waiting for me, asking if he can use the toilet and have a drink. His Mum has been going out and leaving him on the streets for 6 hours a time. I think this is TOTALY out of order. ATM we can't seem to have our meals in peace because he is coming around, and no one is at home. DH is getting VERY angry about this, at the Weekend he just wants some peace after a hard Week at work. But i wont leave him outside alone.
So what do you wise people think i should do? Am i wrong in thinking this is so bad? I don't really want to say anything to my cousin, as it could cause problems in our family, and she would stop our DS's playing together....help!!!

OP posts:
Twinkie · 09/03/2004 11:11

Just help the little boy as much as you can - your husband may want peace and quiet but I think this little boy's welfare is paramount and if you don't feel that you can say anything you just have to help as much as you can.

I feel sooooo sorry for him - can you not mention it to anyone else in your family??

marialuisa · 09/03/2004 11:15

I think until you can do something to help the boy your DH should just put up with another kid around, presumably the boy is occupying your own DH. Could you mum speak to the cousin's mum, casually? That's a very long time to leave a child outside when no-one's at home. I suspect it may even be illegal.

do the kids go to the same school? Is there an approachable member of staff?

Original poster
saintshar · 09/03/2004 11:15

My Mum seems to think i should have a word with her, easy enough for her to say, but she wouldn't do it!! My DH is angry because it seems my cousin thinks we will 'baby-sit' him without her even asking. She doesn't even know if we are in when she goes on her travels, but will come over to ours 6 hours later when she gets back presuming he is here.

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mothernature · 09/03/2004 11:18

Oh poor you, what a trap to be in, yes it is bad that they are doing this and your husband is right to be angry, it is totally out of order in my book and something should be done, is there anyone else in your family you can talk too? although he is 10 in my opinion he still too young to be left for that length of time (6hrs)on his own not being able to go to the toilet or get a drink...the problem is already there so I dont see how it would cause a problem if you did say anything, speak to her and ask her why she doesn't take him too..she might not see things the way you do but at least she may see the error.. ((hugs)) good luck..

marialuisa · 09/03/2004 11:22

is there any way you could tell her in a back-handed way. Say "oh, if you're going out and expecting that it'll be ok for Johnny (whatever child's name is) to come in here, can you give me a ring first as we have to go out too?"

Original poster
saintshar · 09/03/2004 11:27

That's a good idea marialuisa. I want to say something to her, but want a good way to 'put it' without sounding too critical, even though i feel like giving her a slap!!
When he came around this Weekend, i said he should ask his Mum for a key, so at least he can get in to use the toilet etc. BTW, her Mum, my Auntie, is an alcoholic, and not the best person to go to in this situation.

OP posts:
aloha · 09/03/2004 11:54

I'm really, really shocked. Is your cousin an alcoholic too? Going to the pub all the time, disappearing for hours at a time. That poor little boy. How dreadful. What an awful person she sounds.

Twinkie · 09/03/2004 11:57

Do you think a call to Social Services would be a bit harsh - you wouldn't have to give your name and them contacting her maybe just the wake up call she needs??

mothernature · 09/03/2004 12:00

I second Twinkie..

MadameBeetroot · 09/03/2004 12:02

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M2T · 09/03/2004 12:03

I agree with Twinkie and Aloha. Phone social services. This is completely unacceptable and cruel! And you say she is taking the younger 2 to the pub?????

mummytojames · 09/03/2004 12:09

saint im sorry to hear thisbut there is no way of telling her without sounding critical because whats she is doing is wrong and she should know it because you got to think of the childs welfare as there is a chance the one day you might be out and then hes left outside needing a drink or to use the toilet and his mother does need to realize this sorry could help more

Twinkie · 09/03/2004 12:10

What if something more serious than needing a wee or a drink happens to him - children who are left to roam can get into all sorts of scrapes - RTAs, abduction and I know this is probably simplistic but what does he do for food for 6 hours!!

chrissey14 · 09/03/2004 12:30

yes inform social services ,our kids come 1st and our lives 2nd till they can manage on there own as adults.

he comes 1st not her boyfriend ,but he should accept all the bagge she comes with

h

Freckle · 09/03/2004 13:08

There is no legal age at which it is considered acceptable to leave a child alone. It all depends on the circumstances. For example, you could leave a 7 yo by itself for a long period of time and, if nothing untoward happens, that is fine. However, you could leave the same 7 yo alone for 10 minutes and there is a fire, in which case you would probably be considered negligent and be subject to various consequences. Having said that, leaving any child for 6 hours or more with no access to drink, food or toilet facilities is certainly negligent and it may well be that social services need to be alerted. At least that way, they will be aware and the family will be monitored.

You say you have doubts about your cousin's new partner and that she is taking the younger 2 children to the pub. How would you feel if something did happen to any of those children and you hadn't alerted the authorities when you had a chance?

These children deserve the protection of all adults, not just their parents, and we all have a responsibility to ensure that children are not left in dangerous or unhealthy circumstances.

If you can't speak to any family member (i.e. her family as your mum doesn't appear to want to step in), then you have a moral duty to inform the authorities. Good luck. It's not easy, but that boy deserves better.

M2T · 09/03/2004 13:35

Freckle - Agree with the 2nd part of your post, but I was under the impression that there was indeed a legal age at which dependants could be left alone (12 or 14?_. Perhaps it's only in Scotland?

MadameBeetroot · 09/03/2004 13:38

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secur · 09/03/2004 13:41

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MadameBeetroot · 09/03/2004 13:42

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Twinkie · 09/03/2004 13:43

At 10 I would be very wary of leaving DD with friends and not knowing exactly when they were going home, having their dinner etc - I would want to know exactly when to be home/pick her up - I really think this needs to be reported to someone.

secur · 09/03/2004 13:46

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M2T · 09/03/2004 13:53

My goodness, I didn't know that!

doormat · 09/03/2004 13:55

Saintshar apologies if this is repeated but
my advice is to kick some arses into gear here ie the mum and stepdad of this boy.
One word here is NEGLECT to that boy whilst his dad swans off down the pub and his mum gallavants round the place.
What a sad life for this young lad.
cousins or not this situation is wrong for all concerned especially the young lad
These people are taking the piss.
I would not mince my words whether family or not as this boy does not deserve to be treated like this
I mean what would happen if you and your family were out for the day, would he have to pee at the side of the house, back garden etc
let alone what the weather conditions were ie raining, snowing etc.
six hours is a long long time for an adult let alone a child

Also the blatant act of deliberately excluding him from family activities worries me too, why can the girls go and not the boy, is it because the boy is not the dads child.I eork in a pub over the weekend and there are plenty of boys that age and younger enjoying games of pool with their dads and other customers, I just dont see what the problem is in why he cant go.

I think you need to say something and fast.

Freckle · 09/03/2004 16:42

M2T, no there is no legal age limit. Not sure why this might be, other than, if you set a limit, people might start leaving a child alone when it is not safe to do so. All children are different and one 10yo might be fine left alone for 10 minutes, whereas another one (mine spings to mind ;o) ) might not. However, if the law said it was fine to leave children aged 10 and over alone, not much could be done if I did leave him and he came to some harm.

There is a difference too between leaving a child alone in a relatively safe environment (i.e. at home) and leaving one on the streets for 6 hours or so with no access to facilities or sustenance.

ScummyMummy · 09/03/2004 17:13

I really think you should try to talk to your cousin before doing anything like calling Social Services, saintshar. Realistically it would cause huge bad feeling, surely, and it's worth making dead sure it's necessary first, I'd think. Scrap that if you really think he's in immediate danger of harm, of course. Is it possible that your cousin thinks he's spending the day with you or at someone else's place and that it's a case of him having taken a shine to your family so that even a short time at yours- and fudging the issue with his mam- is a bigger draw than the pub? Some people really expect that extended families will automatically be v close, IME, and it may be that his mother feels confident that you are looking out for him. Does that fit with your experience of her at all or is it definitely a case of her being happy for him to be on the streets for extended periods?

If you're not sure, would it be worth having a general discussion with her about childcare so you get a better idea of her views? You could even try asking her advice- e.g.:tell her your ds is pushing for more freedom and wants to play out with his friends next time you go out- you've noticed her ds seems to have a lot of freedom, how did she decide he was ready? I totally agree with everyone who's said that you may well have to tell her a few home truths- especially if she does appear to be deliberately excluding him as that is extremely damaging cumulatively speaking- or even call in social services but I do think it's worth checking her side of the story before you do anything. She may be more respectful of your interest/opinions than you think. Best of luck, saintshar, whatever you decide. I do have loads of sympathy- these sorts of sitation can be so difficult.