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Parenting

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What should i do??

30 replies

saintshar · 09/03/2004 11:07

I moved house in December, and my cousin lives across the street. She has two DD's, one who is 5, one who is 2mths, and a DS who is just turned 10. My DS, who is 8, was not at all happy about moving and leaving all his friends, it was very difficult at first. But now my DS and my cousins DS have become firm friends, which is great.
Anyway, to the problem. My cousin is in a newish relationship (he is Dad to her youngest DD) and i have heard a lot of bad things about him, but i try not to listen to all the gossip.
My cousin has been going out to the pub on a Saturday and Sunday, taking her two DD's with her, but not her DS.
I work on a Sunday, and the last few Weeks when i have got home from work, he has been sitting on the doorstep waiting for me, asking if he can use the toilet and have a drink. His Mum has been going out and leaving him on the streets for 6 hours a time. I think this is TOTALY out of order. ATM we can't seem to have our meals in peace because he is coming around, and no one is at home. DH is getting VERY angry about this, at the Weekend he just wants some peace after a hard Week at work. But i wont leave him outside alone.
So what do you wise people think i should do? Am i wrong in thinking this is so bad? I don't really want to say anything to my cousin, as it could cause problems in our family, and she would stop our DS's playing together....help!!!

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saintshar · 09/03/2004 17:18

Thanks for the advice everyone. I think i am going to say something to her. It is not at all like her, me and my family always thought she was a very good Mum. She coped very well as a single Mum for a long time.
She has to go to court soon. Her ex DP is fighting for access of their DD. She doesn't want to let him have access to her alone, as she thinks he is not a fit father. I might just say to her that if other people see that she is leaving DS alone outside, and her ex finds out, he could use this against her. Then suggest that maybe the solution would be to leave him a key. What do you think? I am glad other people feel as strongly about this as me.

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Levanna · 10/03/2004 00:02

Hi saintshar. From what you have written, I too would be tempted to say notify the social services. It doesn't seem right to leave the poor lad outside and alone for 6 hours, or IMHO to take children of 5 and one of 2 months to a pub 'every' weekend for that amount of time either. It sounds like her priorities are well and truly jumbled at the moment, even if she was a great mum at one point. If you've decided to approach her about it, it might also be worth asking her to call you every time she wants you to babysit - to let you know where she'll be, and to check you are in. What if something hapened to him, and neither you or anyone else had contact details for her? It wouldn't look good (esp to the SS), and would undoubtedly be awful for the child. It's good to hear someone is looking out for him.

tigermoth · 10/03/2004 07:42

As others say, I think you should check out your cousin's side of the story first, especially if, as you say, she has been a good mother in the past. One very practcal thing to ask her is has her son got a key? mention that he's come round to yours a lot to go the he loo and get a drink, so you just wanted to let her know this.

Aslo, the boy is old enough to tell you about the arrangements himself. If he asks for a drink, ask him if he's locked out and what the arrangement is. You can do it in a friendly, neutral sort of way. If you are speaking to his mother, you can mention what her son has said, if it varies from her version. It's possible she might be really upset to think her son is lying about the arrangements in order to come inside your house.

Also thing to bear in mind: is he the only 10 year old playing out for long periods in your area? is he usually with lots of friends and does he go to anyone else's house? He has been in the area longer than you, so might not be as alone as you suspect. Perhaps he has other places to go but has taken a shine to your son, hence the continual knocking on your the door.

And how easy is it for him to see his mother in the pub? is it a short walk away. Perhaps the arrangement is that he pops over to get her key if he needs anything. He might be invited along with them, but doesn't want to spend all day in the pub with his two much younger sisters.

I am not condoning any of this, but have seen these sort of arrangements happen with other children that my son has played out with. We too have had boys knocking at our door time after time. It's a difficult one. Sometimes you feel there is a case of neglect, sometimes it's a case of any excuse (drink, loo) to visit so they will be invited in to play. Usually the phase lasts a few weeks then stops and the boy is not around outside so much.

I think you must keep an eye on things for now, and find out more about the arrangements.

I think it may or may not be a social services issue. I know of one woman who used to kick out her 8 your old ds and 5 year old dd for 8 hours at a time, all day. It was so worrying and something was obviously wrong. What can be right about a 5 year old, in dirty clothes regularly knocking on your door when it's raining outside? Social services intervened and her children were taken away from her.

I know of a 10 year old boy, the youngest in a family of 5, who is often left alone for long periods while his mum plays bingo. But he has lots of older siblings, who if not actually looking after him, are going in and out of the house. I think he has a key, and if not, has close relatives nearby who probably have keys to the house. He knows lots of friends in neighbouring houses, and his father is often at the local pub, a 10 minute walk away. So his situation, while not ideal, is different to the first.

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stace · 10/03/2004 09:38

Saintshar, i agree with Tigermoth before you go blazing in with SS do some sleuth work on your cousin and just check out the little boys story first. It will only take you a couple of days or so and if there is neglect or abuse going on then go to the SS.

Kids can be so manipulative, it may be that the back door is left open for him, but he sees this as a way to a warm home where he gets attention cos it does seem fairly clear that he's not getting much from mum, but that is not a crime.

Tread carefully Saintshar you dont need a war on your hands, and Tigermoths idea of telling the mum that you want to know where they are in case anything happens if he's being left with you is really sensible!!

Good Luck

saintshar · 24/03/2004 13:12

Just a quick up-date for all you kind MNers who replied.
A few days after posting on here about it, he was sat outside of our house again waiting for us when we rolled up in the car. I asked if his Mum was out, which she was, so we invited him in.
After a bit of gentle questioning, i found out that his Mum does ask him if he would like to go with them, but he always says 'no.' (still think that this is out of order, but not as bad i suppose.)
I explained that i work on a Weekend, and sometimes we go out for the day as well, so we never know when we will be in. I said that he is always welcome when we are in, but that maybe he should ask if he could have a key to his house, incase of needing toilet etc.
Anyway, he must have told her, because he has not been around since, and i have seen my cousin a few times, and she has been 'cool' towards me, in fact we haven't spoken since.
She will get over it in time, i think she thinks i am a busy-body, but i don't care as long as her DS is alright.
Thanks again everyone. xx

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