help me. I want to hurt ny child

[ThroughTheRoundWindow]

DD1 is 3 and perfectly normal. Willful, contrary, stubborn, difficult. She has lots of good qualities too and I love her to bits but she winds me up and up and I always rise to it. The things she does are small but it is the same over and over everyday. The problem is my reaction.I loose my temper. I shout I scream I cry. Today I sat on her legs to put her socks on when she wouldn't let me do it nicely. I flung a coat at her when she wouldn't put it on. I wanted to slap her smug irritating face.

When does this become abuse? What damage am I already doing to her and her baby sister?

She's safe at preschool now. Just me and baby until collect her and it starts over again.

Can I get any support without SS getting involved? Don't want to lose childre, want to be kind loving mummy.

Please help. Thank you.

The wise words my mother told me which helped me to get through the toughest times were:

'You are not an evil bad mother if you want to do it, you are only an evil bad mother if you do do it.'

Through

If I had a pound for every time my hand just 'itched' to lash out and did so I dread to think what I would have in the bank right now.

I just had to leave the situation and put her somewhere safe (bedroom) breathe and go back in after a few minutes and try again.

You need nerves of steel to be a parent. Well done for having the courage and sense to put it into words. I just thought I was a terrible mother and all my other friends were serene and perfect. When I talked to them we all had the same experiences of angel child/devil child within the same hour!

Gosh I have been there at times.

Google: orange rhino. It's a great resource as it makes you work on your triggers. Also lots of tips to help you move the rage away from the kids.

Also books: how to talk to children for children to listen, etc.

Good luck.

theorangerhino.com/

This is written by a mum who used to shout at her kids. I find it inspirational and useful.

I have also been in tears of anger and frustration with a toddler tantrum when a little arm wrapped itself around my neck and said 'Please don't cry Mummy'. I was so exhausted and wiped out even that didn't help!

Orange Rhino looks great (if a little irritatingly chirpy!) Thanks for the recommendation :)

I really like the Buttons book because it recognises the one step that every "positive parenting" or "gentle parenting" resource I've found seems to miss - that you can know exactly how you want to handle something but in the moment the rage takes over and the shouting, forcefulness or even urge to smack/hit comes out. It has really honest testimonies from parents who have shouted or smacked when they really didn't want to and felt awful about it. And then uses them as case studies - it's really interesting and although it can be hard going to read and REALLY do the exercises it's actually really encouraging. One of the best self help books I've ever read, it really did get me to a low point and then bring me up to a motivated high again, and it has actually helped with those crunch points which all of the gentle/positive parenting, however fantastic and view-changing, have never managed to help me with.

Talk to the preschool as well, they should also be able to offer you tips for support, and will also provide suitable planned activities within the setting to support what you are doing at home too. This could be staff playing alongside her in the home corner talking about home routines, how she can help mummy etc.

Also pick your battles - for example the socks: unless you have to walk miles, or wait around for buses etc - just let her go sockless and tell the preschool you've had a struggle and give then the socks to put on her. They won't mind honest :) (we have it all the time)
We had a child (3.8) turn up in his pjs this morning after throwing at tantrum about getting dressed - he soon worked out all the other children had nice warm 'proper clothes' on and changed straightaway - unaided- from the bag of clothes mum sent in with him.

If you're screaming at a 3 year old and throwing her coat at her and sitting on her legs then yes , it's good that you've realised you need help. What on earth is she doing every single day to make you scream , shout and cry in front of her? It sounds really horrible.

Are you generally an angry person? I don't want to make you feel bad but I'm thinking of a small child behaving like they all do and you screaming at her and being rough with her. Yes, I know they can push you to the limit and yes of course mine have on lots of occasions. But please seek help before you do actually hurt her.

It's horrible when your kids' behaviour reduces you to tears. That's my low point, beyond shouting, beyond threatening unreasonable punishments that I feel horrible when I have to carry out, it's just utter failure and a horrible fear. Why can't I even control my own child.

I'm sure everyone gets there, it's just we don't talk about it because of the fear. I did it walking down the street once, late for the childminder having failed to get DS to sleep the night before, then get up, dressed, use the toilet and eat breakfast and bumped into my neighbour luckily, she also had kids and was really bloody lovely about it and that helped, actually. Just knowing that other people sometimes feel totally lost at sea and out of control and feel like they're fucking everything up - You're not. Although even that memory makes me feel UTTER SHAME AND FAILURE. DS does, BTW, now eat, sleep and use the toilet. So I have nothing to feel bad about at all!

Every area has parenting courses at children's centres. I know someone who went on one to learn to cope with her astonishingly strong-willed child. She had gone a step further than you Op, and regularly snapped and slapped him.

He is a different, happier child now (or rather, he is the happy version of himself most of the time, instead of just occasionally) and she looks 5 years younger and is far happier. They gave her practical tips, studied child psychology and how you bounce off each other, there was a creche too. The structure at ours is morning session in classroom and talk circle with children in creche, then lunch with the children there to practice some of what they just covered, then a couple of hours of interactive play with the children to practice some more, whilst it is all fresh.

I am bearing it in mind in case I have similar issues with DD later on. Honestly, they are a sanity saver. And social services are not involved at all with ours, though I can't say about elsewhere. Your HV will definitely know the details for your area.

Good luck

There was a good thread on this subject a while bsck. The first page or two are a little judgy but then there was page after page of MNetters sharing advice on how to to keep calm when the red mist descends.

here it is

Been there worn the tshirt, and.back there again at the moment, I remember a particularly brilliant day with dd where she threw a spectacular tantrum in the middle of a massive cue, and I just stood there igniting her, kind off looking around like everyone else was looking for her mum, she eventually calmed down, but it was mortifying, what worked with dd was distraction so if we were home and I saw a tantrum coming I would grab a basket.of torn news paper over her head and play with the snow,

Ds is at it now, threw a wobbler in the creche not wanting to put his rain jacket on and it belting f down outside, he went rigid getting into seat, I got soaked but you jiust have to keep going and reminding yourself it will get better,

Hugs and be nice to yourself,

Wow small, you have a good memory - that thread is from before DS was born and he's 5 now! Will save it to read later :)

I have the "When Kids push your buttons" book that Bertie Botts recommender and it is brilliant.

I too read all the positive parenting books under the sun but found myself with a 5 year old that I couldn't control who controlled me and the household. I frequently felt like I was being bullied. I felt incompetent and a failure and that my life wasn't my own. I sought professional help privately and I have had to accept that mdy parenting has been totally inconsistent. By not establishing boundaries/rules early on and over indulging my daughter I have helped to create a child that doesn't know who is in charge. If a child doesn't know who is control that is extremely frightening for them and they try to take control themselves.

The best thing you can do is establish a daily routine and stick to it. Let your DD know what is happening and when. Split the day into manageable sections.

If your DD refuses to do something, give a consequence. You don't need to punish but children do need to see the consequences of their actions.

And try not to take it personally. Don't engage. Just say no and dont carry n the argument. Let them rage. Be available but let it burn out. THe main thing is you havbe to stay in control yourself (hard I know). So keep cool, don't lose your temper (wait till after bedtime then have a good cry). If you think you are going to lose it walk away for a few minutes.

The more stressed you get the more stressed they get.

I read somewhere that your children will never be less stressed than you. If you are relaxed they will be relaxed. They can smell fear- believe me.

And good luck! I am just coming out of a dark tunnel. I was blaming my DD for it but all the time it was my response/my emotional reaction to her behaviour that was making me miserable-not the behaviour itself.

What is helping us is rewarding the good more than punishing the bad/unhelpful/fucking annoying! So instead of the naughty step we have a penny jar, and we add pennies for every time we see any good behaviour, and only take one away after warning. It's really starting to have an effect - DC keen to get more rewards (counting the pennies in itself seems fun for them) and pretty determined not to lose any. But you really have to make an effort within yourself to see the good behaviour and reward it. I actually think this is the most useful part for me personally - it makes me focus on the good stuff.

My mum used to use violence as discipline so I grew up scared of her. If it wasn't violence it was threats to attack me. I've slapped my 2yo before on the back of her legs as it felt like my last option with her. I don't hate her at all but I just lost control. If she's becoming too much I leave the room. Parenting is hard and NO ONE does it perfectly! I won't hit her again because I don't want her growing up living in fear and being able to feel like she can't come to me. So you're not alone OP we all struggle at times

Smallinthesmoke, thankyou for the link to that thread, I am finding it helpful.

OP I can sympathise with how you are feeling - I get like this every now and again and the really simple common factor is that it is right before my period. Since my 2nd pregnancy my PMT has got really bad - doesn't mean I don't have to learn to address my anger - but I think especially if you have breast-fed for a while you can get a bit out of touch with how your hormones affect your mood. Could that be a factor for you?

I've not read all the responses I'm afraid, but I would recommend talking to your GP or HV. I was refered to ss when I was pregnant (have a history of depression) and everyone was very supportive and helpful. not at all judgey.

You could always word it slightly differently 'my child is driving me bonkers and I'd like some help with tactics because I'm worried about losing my temper'.

k

RAshmore, just stop it. Reported