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Parenting

I'm so viscious towards my children. I feel so much venom towards them.

378 replies

RedMist · 07/01/2008 22:55

Name change regular.

I love my kids. They make me smile and proud.

Sometimes though, they drive me nuts. Actually, a lot of the time they drive me nuts. Like I have no time for them and they are nothing but an embuggarance. I wish they'd just leave me alone.

They mither for food and sweets a lot.

They prod, poke and provoke each other.

They trash every room, indeed even little corners I've just managed to organise or tidy. We live in a shit tip, no matter how long I spend clearing up & cleaning.

My son is 6.5 My daughter is 4.5.

I've started to lash out, really visciously. Tonight, I smacked my son across his face because he;d pushed his sister when he'd walked in the room. Then I started pushing him and saying "How do you like it eh? How do you like it when a bigger person pushes you around?"

Then I sent them to bed and refused to kiss my son good night. I was still shaking with anger at him for deliberately being a little shit.

My daughter pushes my buttons as well. She snaps and snarls and is deliberately rude, to gain attention. She whines and whines until my head feels like it's exploding.

I've read the parenting books. I know the right way to discipline. I just seem to have lost the ability to do it. I'm irrational and short-fused when ever the children are around.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I like this?

I went to GP and he gave me fluxatine (sp?) - basically, prozac. It zonked me out so I stopped it.

Where do I turn to next. What shall I do?

I'm married and my DH helps with the children but he's quite untidy as well - simple DIY jobs for example, always end up with every tool and all the associated crap, just left lying around, waiting for me to clear them away. So that just adds to everything.

I need answers Mumsnet, or at least a place to start resolving this.

Any advice?

OP posts:
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soapbox · 07/01/2008 23:00

I'm afraid I will say something very unhelpful so will keep this very short and then leave it for other more measured posters to give advice.

Has it occurred to you that your children are the way they are because of your lack of parenting skills, not that your parenting is shit because the children are shit.

You really need a lot of professional advice and care I think. Go back to your GP and tell him exactly how it is, including the violence towards the children and ask him to get some proper help for you. This really cannot go on, the way it is, but I think you know that don't you?

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madamez · 07/01/2008 23:00

I have moments of being unreasonably irritable with my 3 year old DS so I sympathise with you, it's a horrid place to be in. I know that part of what is happening with me is the stress of not knowing whether or not we are going to have to move house in the spring (on an annual tenancy, waiting to hear if landlords are going to renew it or not) and being permanently broke. Is there another source of major stress in your life at present? Also, you don't say how old you are but is it possible you could be having a hormonal upheaval of some kind?

Sorry not to be more help but I hope someone else can give you some more practical suggestions.

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policywonk · 07/01/2008 23:01

A lot of what you post rings bells with me (and I'm sure it will ring bells with others too), but obviously you know which bits of your behaviour are not right.

On a practical level - can you afford a cleaner? It sounds as though the mess thing is a trigger for you. If you got some level of control over that do you think you would feel calmer? If you can't afford a cleaner, could you sit down with DH and explain to him that the untidiness is making you crazy with irritation and that something has to be done (maybe a rota with jobs for your DH and your DS too?)

Do you have any skills that you could swap with someone you know in exchange for a few hours of cleaning?

Do you get much time out of the house to yourself? I always feel a lot calmer around the kids if I'm going to the gym regularly - partly because vigorous exercise is good for your mental health (endorphine), and partly because it is a chance to stare into space and not be nagged.

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LittleBella · 07/01/2008 23:04

How old are you?

Isn't insane anger a sign of perimenopause?

What about an anger management course?

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SorenLorensen · 07/01/2008 23:07

There are plenty of other anti-depressants available - how long did you try the Prozac for? Most side-effects go away after a week or two. You need more help than can be offered on a site like MN I think - though you have taken the first step by admitting how bad things are (and that can't have been easy, even anonymously). You know you can't go on like this, don't you? Go back to the GP - tell him/her what you have posted here. There may be support groups/counselling available, you can try other anti-depressants if needs be. Kids are infuriating - but you are their Mum and you are the adult. In behaving like you have you are effectively throwing a tantrum - and modelling the very behaviour you don't want. I know you know this - and I know how hard it can be (I have had PND twice and I do not find parenting easy) - but you need help.

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RedMist · 07/01/2008 23:08

I'm 40.

The house is and has always irritated me. I cannot keep on top of everything and sometimes, I just give up. Then I have spurts of getting it all sorted again and it makes me feel much calmer & in control.

I'm planning on going out running again at the end of Feb/early March when, hopefully, the weather might warm up a bit.

Soapbox, I know, I know. I've been around MN long enough to know I deserve every ounce of vitriol going because of my behaviour. I pour gallons of guilt on to myself but it's answers I need right now. Of course the kids are the way they are because of me. Of course I know it but I'm crying out for help here. I'm somewhat scared of going to my GP in case SS become involved.

OP posts:
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GrinningSoul · 07/01/2008 23:08

i completely empathise. to the rest of the world i appear to be very calm and noone outside my family has any idea what levels my anger can reach when the children are negative, physically rough or uncooperative. But this is how my dad was, i hated it desperately, and now i have kids, it's how i am too. i take prozac - i started taking it for a major phobic anxiety problem, which has now gone hurrah - but i find it also reduces the red mist to more bearable levels for us all, so i carry on taking it. maybe another AD would work for you? ask for more help from your gp. I also find exercise and great efforts at planning my parenting/home organisation help. You have my total sympathy.

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DaphneHarvey · 07/01/2008 23:09

I can't help with your wider issues but I'd like to hope you can wake up tomorrow morning and promise yourself you will never ever behave like that towards your son again. Apologise to him, tell him specifically why you are apologising, ask him for a hug and a kiss - and the same to your daughter.

Then think seriously about what you can do for yourself to make you happier.

You are entirely responsible for your own behaviour and even if you need help with it then its up to you to find that help, access it and make the most of it.

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soapbox · 07/01/2008 23:15

Redmist - I really don't think you are going to find the answers here - it sounds way too far gone for that. I understand that you will be worried about social services but I think that fear is a little misplaced. I think as long as you are showing willingness to get help and to chance then this would be looked at favourably. Far more favourably than the day when a bruise or cut, is spotted at school and your DS or DD spills out all of hte abuse they are suffering.

You can change this but you need to get professional help to learn how to do so.

Your posts make it clear that you know this has to stop - which is why (rarely for me) I am managing to respond reasonably on this topic. I really don't want to add to the guilt you already feel, as long as that guilt galvanises you into action which helps to stop this abuse once and for all.

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MamaG · 07/01/2008 23:16

Good post soapbox. I agree with her red mist

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policywonk · 07/01/2008 23:17

Have you looked at the parentline website? They have telephone counsellors you can speak to.

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GrinningSoul · 07/01/2008 23:18

I don't read the same level of abuse into the OP as you seem to, soapbox.

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onebatmother · 07/01/2008 23:19

Oh so sorry Redmist, I so know what you mean.

Two things that have helped me in the past have been:

Child says something infuriating - leave 5 secs (1001,1002..)before you respond - enough time to have good-parenting-refresher thoughts.. or at least rethink some of the nastiness of your initial reaction.

ask yourself question: is this Very Important?
Quite often answer is yes. But sometimes it's No.. so let those ones go, if you can, sometimes.

Explain to DP that you have no explanation for WHY you want a tidy house, you just DO, and when it's not tidy you feel very anxious. I think lots of men feel that this need isn't real - just a way to get at THEM - but explaining that it makes you feel anxious can help.
I felt like this for a while - all my need for control became focussed on a tidy house. It's passed now, house is a shithole! Part of that was DP acknowledging my desire to control my surrondings.

Good luck.

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lisalisa · 07/01/2008 23:19

Message withdrawn

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drivinmecrazy · 07/01/2008 23:20

got no advice to give, but I so admire your honesty. Even the best parent must have moments of frustration like this, whether they are willing to admit it or not. I totally empathize with the house issue, it is soul destroying and totally demoralising when your house looks a tip all the time despite your efforts. I have 2 yo and 7 yo and every day I do the same house hold chores, and every day house looks shite. i am only relaxed when kids are in bed and order has been restored, til the morning. Don't be too hard on your self, it sounds like you are battling against the tide of three people who assume the fairies come and clean up after them, just like they do in my house.

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colditz · 07/01/2008 23:22

Get back on the Fluoxetine, and keep taking it. It doesn't matter if it zonks you out - sorry to be harsh but the time for fussiness about mild side effects is over. Things have evidently reached critical point when you are treating your children in a manner that will destroy their self esteem.

If they are fighting, call them TO you, not send them away ... involve them in what you are doing, let both have their say, make them want to please you.

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GrinningSoul · 07/01/2008 23:23

lisalisa - i shall be trying this too, thank you. what a v helpful post.

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soapbox · 07/01/2008 23:23

'Tonight, I smacked my son across his face because he;d pushed his sister when he'd walked in the room. Then I started pushing him and saying "How do you like it eh? How do you like it when a bigger person pushes you around?"

Then I sent them to bed and refused to kiss my son good night. I was still shaking with anger at him for deliberately being a little shit.
'

Smacking a 6yo child across the face, pushing him around and then refusing to kiss him good night. In what universe is this not abusive behaviour?

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burstingbug · 07/01/2008 23:26

GS, I too am following in my Dad's footsteps
I still haven't got my repeat AD prescription yet

My Mum was always trying to calm Dad down and telling him not to come after me So don't want to be like him!

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policywonk · 07/01/2008 23:26

Colditz's point about bringing your children to you is important I think. So much bad behaviour is attention-seeking. When my children are making me mad, the most effective way I know of improving their behaviour is to give them my absolutely full attention. Turn off the telly, sit down with them and read a book as lisalisa suggested, or embark on some craft activity, or play hide-and-seek with them. It need only take 15 minutes or so and can be incredibly effective at improving everyone's mood.

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berolina · 07/01/2008 23:27

What you describe sounds very like episodes of
venom' my mother had. I won't go into detail, but you do need to sort it out, really you do.

But wou are a step further than my mother ever was - you realise it is wrong and you need to do something about it.

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Blu · 07/01/2008 23:28

It does sound as if you are depressed, RedMist. I had rage gushing up through me like a volcano when I was depressed.

As well as going back to the doctor, quickly, start running. It doesn't have to be warm, just put on a warm sweatshirt, and thin gloves, and a thin hat. Physical excercise is great for de-stressing and geting your endorphins working for you. Time to yourself, and control over something - your own body.

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onebatmother · 07/01/2008 23:32

Soapbox - in what universe is your post going to help RedMist feel better and calm down?
For goodness' sake.

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lisalisa · 07/01/2008 23:33

Message withdrawn

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emkana · 07/01/2008 23:34

lisalisa, I greatly admire your posts on this thread.

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