Is wanting me time selfish?

[Zatch]

I'm a sahm with a 1yr old and dad works fifo. What I didn't realise is that he expects me to not want 'me' time anymore. When he's home I can go shopping on my own and errands etc but I've only been out with friends twice in a year and even then it was after ds's bedtime. He says I have the best job in the world and implies I'm selfish for wanting 'me' time. Is it? I love my boy so very much and feel guilty for wanting to spend time away but doesn't everyone?

You're really in danger of digging yourself into a hole here. Unfortunately if he's away for almost a month at a time, he doesn't have a say in your day to day activities... It's good that you make the big decisions together but you going to a dance class really isn't one of them. I'd go mental if I had no respite for that long.

Of course YANBU. Get one of those family organisers and get down the things you want to do.

Yanbu?

Have to agree this is a worrying level Of control. Do you feel scared to go against his wishes? You are mum and entitled to make decisions about your child's well being and care.

As an aside - does he not see that if you have childcare you trust it is no different to leaving your child with family? What on earth is the argument against a babysitter for a one year old - most 1 year olds will b left sometimes with other caring adults.

I think you need to protect your sanity and remember you are in charge of your life. You don't need his permission to attend a dance class.

Thanks for validating, I didn't think i was too out of line to feel annoyed. Going to keep searching for babysitter and hopefully he'll come round.
I don't feel scared of him or reactions, would just prefer to avoid an argument. Makes it hard with his work. Feel guilty for fighting when he's away and making it worse. Feel guilty for it when he's home and spoiling family time.

Look, working fifo can do funny things to your head. He obviously adores his child and probably feels rather isolated and all sort of things going through his head. What if you need him, more importantly, what if you both need him and he is not just there, you see where I am coming from?

Maybe it has nothing to do with him being a controlling so and so, maybe it's just got to do with the fact that he acutely feels he's not there and can't quite compute you're not there either. Forgets it's only an hour though, he's probably paniking that neither of you are with your son.
I completely agree with you, you need to get out, do something for yourself, take a break. In fact I strongly urge you to. You're both just as isolated as each other and from each other.
Just talk to him.

Right, I am going to be blunt. This is not ok. He is acting like a controlling twat and I am sorry to say that if you accept this I think it will get worse. If you posted this in relationships you would be a Seeing a lot of comments telling you how unacceptable this is.

From your op you said that even when he's home he doesn't like you going out? So I hunk it's pretty unlikely you are going to get a whole day to yourself. And if you do you will pay for it in some way for a long time afterwards.

You are the child's primary carer. If you find a babysitter you are happy with, you make that decision.

I guessing he made the decision to live in uk and that your family are in aus?

In the traditgional set up that is how it is. I went back to full time work after 2 weeks and that certainly ensures your man does 50% at weekends, particularly if you out earn him!

Hand him the mop and bucket and get back to full time work and your life could be an awful lot easier. These sexist men who want women at home and women doing everything need to be shown this is not the best way.

I had the traditional set up and had as much 'me' time as I wanted. It is ridiculous to say 'this is how it is'.

I'm sorry OP, but if he is so set on your dc only being cared for by a parent then he needs to get a job that allows him to pull his weight. You know fine well that when you do get 24 hours off absolutely nothing will have been done in the house when you get back - it simply isn't a long enough period of time for him to realise what your life is like.

You need to put your foot down. You want to do the dance class. The only choice I think your DH gets to influence is what type of childcare is best to enable you to achieve that (nursery, childminder, babysitter). He might prefer the nursery setting as it's less like entrusting your pfb to the care of just one person.

But frankly he does not get dictate the whole course of your life just because he is working and you are at home. A home he's not even in most of the time.

I have friends whose spouses were away a lot, often on unpredictable patterns, and the rule was always 'I will be living my life and if you come back unexpectedly and I have something planned, sorry but I won't be dropping that for you'.

Arrange to go out on a Saturday and tell him that is what is happening.

Or offer to swap- if he says that you have the best job why isn't he doing it?

Or simply tell him that you are getting a job and will use child care so that you too can have time off.

No we're all in aus. I signed up for mn on the app and didnt realise it was uk based till after going through some threads. I hope that doesn't matter? Figured we're all mums

I think I've been horribly naive and short sighted.

DP had earlier ( albeit reluctantly) agreed to class and babysitter after I gained some support earlier in thread and was more assertive about it.

After reading your responses I've realised his change of heart is completely justified even though unfair.

Last Sunday through till this Thurs our home was under extreme threat of bush fires. Ds and I left really early and were safe but homes were lost, thankfully not ours but it was a terrible time, DP didn't handle it well being at work throughout.

I'm really sorry everyone, I should have realised myself that this is just a reaction to recent events and his way of coping.

He'll be coming home tomorrow so we'll get another chance to talk about it soon I hope.

Thank you so very much. I'm sure we'll come to a compromise. If not then ill be back to whinge some more

You are an equal parent, so surely you can make decisions when you are alone with your son, ie book a babysitter. Your OH has voiced his opinion, you need the break so will be booking a baby sitter and going to a weekly class....in my opinion needed even more due to his working patterns. If one whole hour on your own per week is too much for him, your husband is going to have to look for another job or come up with a solution, until he does use the babysitter.

Oh that's horrible! Glad you're both safe though! I can see why he'd be overly worried in that situation. Give him a bit of time to calm down and enjoy some family time... And then book the dance class

After reading your responses I've realised his change of heart is completely justified even though unfair.

Not sure how you've reached that conclusion from reading this thread, unless you have been highly selective and wanting to validate his reaction. Are you saying it's reasonable to conclude you can't go to a dance class in case there's a bush fire?

Of course it doesn't matter that you are in Oz. These are mumsnetters all over the world!

He just states he doesn't want a stranger with ds.

Just say 'tough-they won't be a stranger when they get to know him'.

In times gone by our little ones were brought up in extended families or even tribes where many women would take on looking after the children. It's not normal & we re not designed to cope with looking after one or more little people continuously. It's too exhausting & we're better mums when we get a break to recharge (& that doesn't include Tescos or sleep!) Appeal to his survival of the fittest, masculine, Darwinian side & tell him in lieu of an extended family he needs to man up or let you contract it out to a babysitter!

My best mate (no kids but a stepmum) made me promise not to be boring when I had ds. We now go away every year for one weekend. Last year, we went to Berlin and I can honestly say it was the most 'me' I'd felt in about 4 years (ds was only 18 months at the time!). We're off to Amsterdam in a few weeks and I can't wait. My dh is ace & we get babysitters, but no way near as often as we should & it's almost always me that initiates it. You have to take the initiative & set the pace, otherwise 10 years will pass & you'll not know who you are anymore.

Hei zatch, how is it going?