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Parenting

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Original poster

Is wanting me time selfish?

71 replies

Zatch · 30/01/2014 12:49

I'm a sahm with a 1yr old and dad works fifo. What I didn't realise is that he expects me to not want 'me' time anymore. When he's home I can go shopping on my own and errands etc but I've only been out with friends twice in a year and even then it was after ds's bedtime. He says I have the best job in the world and implies I'm selfish for wanting 'me' time. Is it? I love my boy so very much and feel guilty for wanting to spend time away but doesn't everyone?

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pictish · 01/02/2014 09:35

I'm with everyone else here. How come he thinks he's such an authority on how you should feel?
I'm a sahm and need me time, which my husband fully encourages and facilitates by waving me off cheerily.

Good for you flying in the face of his bullshit. What a selfish, uncaring arse.

BlueChampagne · 01/02/2014 23:36

Zatch full time parenting is much harder than going to work IMHO. How old is your LO? Get some Mum friends too - it makes a heap of difference.

Try MN Local too for ideas of what's going on and chances to make friends.

BlueChampagne · 01/02/2014 23:38

We all try and make it look easy in public but we're all paddling like fury underneath.

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MyNameIsKenAdams · 01/02/2014 23:46

Maybe you could suggest that Saturday is Family Day and Sunday is Dad&Son Day. See how 'easy' he thinks it is when you are away 8am-6pm.

AnnieLobeseder · 01/02/2014 23:58

"Me time" is not some selfish luxury, it's essential for anyone's mental well being. Even people who love their jobs don't do it 24/7. How can he expect you to continue to do this "best job in the world" without any downtime?

He's being the selfish arse, not you. Take the time you need, don't ask, just arrange it in whatever way works for you. Do not let him make you feel guilty; you are your own person and a human being with wants and needs beyond being a mother to his child and a partner to him. If he does't recognise that, you need to start wondering just what exactly he sees you as.

Original poster

Zatch · 08/02/2014 11:42

Just wanted to pop back in and say hi! The dance class was a success :) will be sticking to it (once reliable babysitter is found) had wonderful friends drive over an hour to babysit so I could snag that first class. Thanks so much..... I really did think there was an unspoken rule that SAHM had to be with their dc 24/7.

OH has had to lump it, though now with more grace. I suggested he have a chat with his colleagues about their home time arrangements and I think they voted in my favour .

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Original poster

Zatch · 08/02/2014 11:57

I forgot to add that I'm from Oz but have a friend from the uk who explained some of the similar services here. We've signed up for toddlers group Mondays, story time on Tuesdays and a free swim time on Wednesdays. Hopefully that will keep me and ds busy and sane

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Haveacwtch · 08/02/2014 14:28

You do deserve me time. Being home with a baby is all consuming. It's the only job where you are on call 24/7 and don't get a break.

HelenHen · 08/02/2014 20:32

Oh that's brilliant zatch, groups and swimming are wonderful and hopefully things will start to get a bit easier from now on!

lamprey42 · 09/02/2014 20:24

Brilliant you got to your class. I think sometimes the problem is they don't appreciate how draining it is to be alone with small children all day if they haven't done it. You might find him more sympathetic if as others said you find some pretext to leave them alone all day. It was only when I did that my dh understood properly what it was like.

Original poster

Zatch · 15/02/2014 13:23

Well the class was short lived DP has now asked that there be no babysitters and that l take time when he's home. He's on a 26 on/9 off roster, which means it would be a different time each month.
I haven't found a babysitter yet so I don't have to go through the embarrassment of cancelling but am really really annoyed.
I was really looking forward to the class, more for the learning and little sense of achieving something than the social side. I discovered that it was being challenged that I missed. Not that motherhood isn't challenging. DP has offered signing up for the gym as it has a crèche. I hate working out so don't see that as a fair swap. I plan on signing up at some stage though.
Am I just being ungrateful? Just really pissed off at the moment, I really did enjoy the dance class

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cheminotte · 15/02/2014 13:38

I really don't think you ate being ungrateful, or selfish. Does his shift mean he is only at home 9 days and then working away the rest? Even if this is the case you will be out at most 2 nights for 1.5 hours? If he really won't even 'let' you do this, I would be looking at getting back to work as this sounds controlling.

Starballbunny · 15/02/2014 13:49

YANBU
Next weekend he's at home get in the car, bus, train to a friend's, nearest city, where ever you can happily spend lots of hours, moonching round shops, museums, go to the pictures.

Repeat as many Saturdays as necessary until he see's how dull and tiring one year olds are.

My guess is one wet Saturday will be sufficient. Especially if you accidentally have the push chair in the car and hide his iPad.

Original poster

Zatch · 15/02/2014 14:15

DP works fifo so yes it's 26 days away and 9 home. He's become quite controlling (careful/protective in his mind) in that DS must be with me 24/7. No childcare/nursery etc till 2yrs old - only just turned one, and now really set against a babysitter. DP's work means I can be a sahm, though I'd really like to work pt sometime in the future.
I really like routine and order and a class once a week suited DS and my schedule really well. I was even trying to hire someone who worked in childcare to babysit to ease DP's concerns.
I wouldn't mind so much if there's something I could sign up for monthly but with his work its not possible

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Original poster

Zatch · 15/02/2014 14:21

I've asked for a whole 24hrs away during next months home time. He thinks he'll be fine, doesn't realise there'll be the daily chores on top of caring for DS Unfortunately commitments mean no chance this month. That bugs me too though, I'm certain I might get some time when's DPs home but doubt it will happen more than once or twice due to demands on DPs time with family visits etc when he's home

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HelenHen · 15/02/2014 14:22

Oh zatch, this sounds worrying! It sounds like it's not even a money issue, which I could almost understand! I really really think you're gonna have to stand up for yourself here. Sometimes it takes a bit of 'I will not have this discussion again, this is what is going to happen'. It does sound incredibly controlling and, to be honest, I'm a bit worried for you. How do you think he'd react if you just ignore his wishes?

Sid77 · 15/02/2014 14:35

Do you have to ask your DH if you can do something often? Was he like this before your DC was born? He sounds very a controlling and he is being unreasonable. Your child will be fine with a babysitter and DH needs to come to terms with that.

HelenHen · 15/02/2014 14:38

Is it his family visiting when he's Home? I'd leave them to it then and get off and have some me time... He'll even have some help!

ThatBloodyWoman · 15/02/2014 14:43

It'easier to seek forgiveness than ask permission.....

If you ask him if you can it seems the answer is no.

Set it up, sort it out, and make it obvious it's happening.

If you don't set your expectations now, it'll get harder, not easier.

Original poster

Zatch · 15/02/2014 14:50

I could understand if it was money too buts its not .
It's only been since ds was born. I just don't get why he's so against it. He just states he doesn't want a stranger with ds. I get that he's worried but its going to happen eventually.
He'd be incredibly pissed if I just did it anyways. Seriously considering it though.
DPs relatives don't/can't drive so we do the miles.

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cheminotte · 15/02/2014 14:51

What does fifo stand for?

Starballbunny · 15/02/2014 15:00

Being charitable and giving the benifit of the doubt. I wonder if he feels guilty not being there so much of the time.

If he feels he should be there to 'baby sit' that might explain the control freckery.

Unfortunately it's no way to stay married.

You have to tell him that he has to trust you to look after DS when he's away and he has to trust you to look after your own well being and sorry if that means, babysitters, nursery or you finding paid work and leaving his PFB with a CM six hours a day, so be it.

26 days is far longer than DH and I have been apart in 25 years. He has to accept that you can't put your or, when he's older DS life in hold when he's away.

Honestly, will he expect to vet every play date, school trip or sleepover. Have a say in every after school club and weekend activity.

He has to trust you or accept he risks loading you and DS permanently.

Original poster

Zatch · 15/02/2014 15:09

Fly In Fly Out

I do think its a little guilt. Needing to be apart of every decision whilst away. I'll try to talk to him more about trusting my ideas/choices. He's happy with anything that means ds stays with me. Just finding it really draining at the moment .
We talk every night, though lately it's been strained due to not seeing eye to eye.

I will try to put foot down without causing conflict. We've both got short fuses and stubborn. Failing that I'd consider just doing it but don't want to lie or fight

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Original poster

Zatch · 15/02/2014 15:14

I do think he means to interview anyone who has contact with ds he's very very much pfb which is endearing but only to a point.

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cheminotte · 15/02/2014 15:25

Have a look at Sitters (online). They only use qualified childcare professionals. And you don't pay travel expense so will be someone local who you can useagain and again. But I still think he should trust your judgement on this one. And this is not someone I would be having any more babies with anytime soon (see other thread).

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