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Original poster

what is the best response to 'I hate you'?

46 replies

littlebluedog12 · 27/01/2014 20:24

5yo DD has all of a sudden started saying 'I hate you mummy' if she is having a tantrum or doesn't get her own way. I totally get that she's lashing out, she doesn't mean it etc but what do you say? Part if me wants to ignore it so that when she sees it doesn't get a reaction she will hopefully stop. But part of me wants her to realise what a horrible thing it is to say and that she shouldn't use hurtful words.

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PissesGlitter · 27/01/2014 20:25

That's a shame because I love you

Oakmaiden · 27/01/2014 20:27

Well, I love you.

Northumberlandlass · 27/01/2014 20:27

"I'm sorry to hear that because I love you very much"

That's what I said anyway!

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Oakmaiden · 27/01/2014 20:28

It sucks, sometimes, but I do think when children say horrid things like that they are often checking out that they CAN say something like that and you will still love them. And you do. So tell her that you do.

She will grow out of it. For a while. And then she will become a teenager and will hate you again...

siblingrevelry · 27/01/2014 20:28

Agree with pisses, i.e.something light and non-confrontational:

"..well I still love you so it doesn't matter if you hate me"

Then try to distract or change the subject-don't get drawn into showing you're either cross or sad, be as nonchalant as you can and it will pass.

ashtrayheart · 27/01/2014 20:28

Yep, oh dear because I love you here too.

yummystepford · 27/01/2014 20:29

I know many will disagree, but I reply with 'and I hate your behaviour right now' it might be wrong but I've only had that said to me twice.

LadyAlysVorpatril · 27/01/2014 20:30

That's ok - I love me enough for both of us! Was my mom's answer.

yummystepford · 27/01/2014 20:30

Just to add, the only times it's been said is when they are behaving very badly at the time on top on what they said

chimchar · 27/01/2014 20:32

I always do the "ah well. There we are then"

TunipTheUnconquerable · 27/01/2014 20:33

Sometimes I kind of validate their feelings as well - 'Yeah, I'd probably hate my mum too if I was five and she made me tidy my room when I wanted to play, but I really love you.'

I have no idea if that's good or bad, it's just what instinctively makes sense to me.

SirChenjin · 27/01/2014 20:33

Well I love you and I always will - although I don't like the way you are behaving at the moment

mypussyiscalledCaramel · 27/01/2014 20:35

I generally tell ds2 that I hate him too, but he's 8. I used to say I love you, when he was younger though.

Nowadays its: I hate you
I hate you, too
I love you mummy
I love you too

Ninjago78 · 27/01/2014 20:37

That's okay, I love you and I always will no matter what. You're still not getting that biscuit though and I'd like you to stop screaming, you're scaring your baby brother.

Or some such.

youmakemydreams · 27/01/2014 20:37

I say good I'm doing my job properly then. But did is 10 and very dramatic.

GiniCooper · 27/01/2014 20:38

Yep, I agree with the other posters who say I love you but not your behaviour at the moment.

I'm having major tantrums from my previously angelic 5yr old DD. They're bloody hard work, the tantrums I mean ;)
I keep getting flashes of the teenage years.......

Original poster
littlebluedog12 · 27/01/2014 20:39

Ok that sounds pretty universal! I have said 'well I love you' in the past, usually when it's been accompanied by some yelling and door slamming. But for example today when she just said 'I hate you' because I said no to a biscuit I really wanted to say something like 'don't you dare speak to me like that' but just ended up saying 'that's a very hurtful thing to say' and made her say sorry. Then later on she said out of the blue 'I was just joking when I said that mummy'.

Lets hope it does pass! I keep thinking if this is a 5yo, what the hell is a 15 year old going to be like?!

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Hiddlesnake · 27/01/2014 20:43

My 5yo DS2 is the same "I hate you!" and today we had "You're breaking my heart" because I was making him go to school!

I just tell him I love him, and I'll always love him.
And as or breaking his heart? "Well, sorry about that, but going to school is the law!"

maybefaraway · 27/01/2014 20:45

Ive said "no you don't, you just feel like you do right now. So go to your room and come back when you feel more loving".

Also "sorry I've made you feel so angry with me. But you're doing my head in too".

Generally acknowledging her feelings, trying not to rise to it, and letting her know she's pissing me off too. In the nicest way I can at the time.

She still seems to like me.

kelper · 27/01/2014 20:46

Lol, my ds tells me I'm hurting his heart if I ask him to do something he doesn't want to! Or hurting his emotions!
If he says he hates me I say that's nice dear I hate you too
Nb, I don't really hate him!

Original poster
littlebluedog12 · 27/01/2014 20:47

"you're breaking my heart" Grin love it!! They can be so dramatic can't they?!

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BarbaraWoodlouse · 27/01/2014 20:49

When I get told I'm the worst Mummy I the whole world I generally ask if I can have a badge to prove it. Then she tells me she hates me.

NearTheWindmill · 27/01/2014 20:49

I've often said I will always love you but it's up to you whether I'll always like you.

I think when the heat goes out of the moment - cuddling up with a book at a happy time it might not be a bad thing to have a chat about what hate means and what love means and find out where she's hearing it - probably at school at just 5 and it's the sort of thing children say to each other if it's something they say at home. I doubt she knows what she means.

I think it's pretty hard being five.

Hiddlesnake · 27/01/2014 20:50

I will admit though that I have not always given the correct "Well, I love you answer".

DS - I hate you!
Me - I'm not particularly keen on you right now either.

seatfor5 · 27/01/2014 20:51

I say to my DS "Oh well nevermind" and dont make anything of it!

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