When do you feel the unconditional love?

[NoSunshineHere]

I've name changed for this because I feel like I'm failing as a person...

DD is 5 weeks old and I still don't feel that groundswell of unconditional love that everyone talks about. I'm just so tired, I don't really feel anything other than emptiness tinged with resentment and stress. I'm worried that I'm just not designed to be a parent - we put off having children for years, I wasn't sure I wanted them.

And now she's here and everyone keeps telling me how wonderful parenthood is and how I've never known love until now and how lovely the newborn stage is... but I don't feel like that. I don't think it's PND - I'm not perpetually down. I feel trapped, like I've lost myself to a small person who doesn't do much other than eat, sleep and make dirty nappies. I like her, and I want her to be safe and have her needs met. But I don't feel like it's love.

I'm worried that I might not look after her properly because I don't feel bound too her the way others describe their baby. And I feel guilty, because she's so tiny and defenceless, she deserves a naturally maternal mother. I feel like there's something wrong with me, that this feeling of love that everyone else finds so effortless isn't there.

When did you really deeply bond with your baby? And what do I do if it never happens? I don't feel I should be allowed to be a parent if I don't love her unconditionally, surely that's the first step to being a toxic parent ?

For me it wasn't until my baby was 3 months and he smiled at me-it came as a huge rush and I often think it would've been nice to feel it from the beginning but these first weeks are only a short amount of time out of your baby's life. It's knackering having a new baby x

With my first it took almost three months. With the second it was a bit quicker. It can take a while to fall in love with them, and as long as you keep them safe and well, and give them lots of cuddles it will fall into place. Consult a GP immediately if you have any thought or harming / neglecting yourself or the baby.

Believe it or not though I think you sound quite normal. Give yourself a break. It gets more fun when the smile and interact more.

Hi,

Hopefully someone better than me will be along shortly. However I do want to reply to you. For me the unconditional love to a long time to arrive, and from what I remember it was actually somewhere between 6 months to a year (the first year is kind of a blur!). I remember vividly how awful the first 12 weeks were pure hell for me. Looking back there was a lot going on. We were given notice on our tendency on my due date, so the first few weeks/month was spent trawling round looking for a place to live, and our daughter also had a medical issue (nothing horrendous or very serious) which took until 18 months to resolve, so I was never able to relax. Looking back I think I may have had some PND, though I also think I'm not overly maternal and some days I still struggle with her (She's 3).

I think that given time the love will definitely come. 6 weeks is still very early and it's the hardest time. I think to much emphasis is placed on mother being immediately besotted once they've given birth, where as some people need time to get to know their baby and fall in love, which in my experience happens when they start having a personality!

Have you got anyone that you can speak to? I didn't speak to anyone, not even my partner knew fully how I felt (he does now). I just felt to ashamed to broach the subject with anyone. However it may really help if you feel you can talk to someone about it, just to have some of the burden of the feelings shared?

Not 6 months to a year, sorry DD distracting me! Meant to put around 6 months!

My dd it took me 6 months, I'm not going to lie but geez babies are boring! I wanted to tear my hair out most days and go back to work, but when she first sat up unaided (in my mind the first real 'achievement') that's when I realised, it was me! I taught her that! I was the one catching her when she fell to make sure she didn't crack her head open, I have her the confidence to trust me to protect her.. Then it all made sense, and now? She's 13mo, has been out if the house for an hr with dp and I'm welling up a little writing this because I miss her so much. It will come :)

I only felt that deep bond of wanting them around all the time and that swell of love when you see them when DD was quite a bit older, 9 mo I reckon.

Now she's 16mo I'm having generally full nights sleep, getting some time back to myself. She's walking and starting to communicate. Now I look forward to spending days with her and doing stuff rather than just feeling like I'm looking after her

I could have written your post when DS was born. Go easy on yourself, be vigilant for signs of PND and give yourself a break. It'll happen when it happens. For me it was a gradual process rather than a love at first sight deal. Luckily my NCT friends were brutally honest so we all had people to share things with. All of my group felt like you do so try to relax.

Thank you all for replying! I'm glad it's not just me who didn't get the lightning bolt of love the minute she was placed in my arms.
How do you get through these early days without it? She smiles sometimes and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm mostly just tired. I'm also trying to hide how I feel from DH in case he thinks less of me, which is so unlike us-normally we can say anything to each other ...

With my first i felt instantly protective of him, and as you said all his needs were met but it wasn't until a good few weeks in that me and DH looked at him and both felt we truly loved him.

I certainly didn't appreciate the newborn phase until I had DC3!

I don't think how you are feeling is unusual, becoming a parent is a shock to put it midly, but if you feel yourself sinking lower talk please talk to someone.

Try not to clock watch and try to get out of the house at least one a day, even if just to get a pint of milk, you will grow in confidence and our daughter will become more responsive over next few weeks to, little smiles seem to make it worthwhile.

Your daughter sorry!

Meant to add that you shouldn't underestimate how much the lack of sleep can make everything seem so much worse, talk to your partner and try and get some lie- ins if you can

Been there, done that. The first three months were about survival - there were days when I felt I could not stand another minute with DS and spent a lot of time fantasizing about holidays on the internet, whilst he was feeding.

He is 7 months now and an engaging little person in his own right...think gummy kisses, hugs, squawks and giggles. It's heart melting and lovely. Keep going, it will come!

My overwhelming memory of the first few weeks was loneliness. I don't think I realised how lonely it would be. I had a winter baby and it snowed on and off for the first few months of his life. I also had an EMCS, which made it hard for me to get around. The onset of spring made a huge difference.

To be honest, I wouldn't rule out PND just because you don't feel continually depressed, a lot of PND is characterised by anxiety - waking up in the morning and feeling that twirlyness in your stomach and wondering how the day will go (or feeling certain that you'll find it hard to cope that day). PND varies from woman to woman and feeling 'trapped' would come within its bounds. I think its worth speaking to your HV (up here they do a PND questionnaire aobut 6 weeks - so they might be due to see you soon?) often when you unload about these things you feel better and if you need any help, the sooner you get that, the better.

For me, I was one of the cliches and I felt unconditional love at first sight with DS1 and it never wavered (and he never slept through regularly until he was 2.5 yrs and is now a stroppy 4 year old). With DS2 it actually took a few days before the 'rush' got me - which I feel a bit guilty about, but I think it was because I was comparing him to DS1...

But, as you'll see from pps above, it's perfectly common not to feel that for months (i remember asking a friend after she had her daughter if 'she had fallen in love with her yet' as I think it's something that can/does take time and 5 weeks is still pretty soon).

about 11mo! DS1 was hard work and i found the massive shock of going from a hectic busy glam life in london, to lonely domestic drudgery in the 'burbs just incredibly hard to cope with.

I had pnd though, and felt very low and anxious for a long time. Feeling better now. He is 14mo and a real delight, a little monkey who kisses and cuddles and proper belly laughs and daft stuff. I will say this though: i bloody love the days he is at nursery and i get to go to work like my old self. Not many people seem to admit these feelings bit I think lots of women must have them (esp if they have careers that they enjoy/that challenge them).

I love DS and I would throw myself in front of a bus for him, but jesus, the monotony and loneliness of being at home with him full time really wasn't for me. If I ever have another baby, I will definitely be going back to work after 7-8 months and not taking the full year off.

Feeling like this doesn't make me a bad mum, just an honest one. he has always been cuddled and looked after well and I am sure he feels loved and happy and secure. I just think this pressure on women to experience motherhood like something out of a JOhnsons baby advert is just absurd. Do we think our great-grandmothers were worrying about this in the 1920s/1930s??

Not got much time so forgive rapid reply with typos... I think you sound v normal and also v self aware to admit to feelings not many do!!
I don't think I've ever had that rush of love for DD (now 11m) but it has grown and grown very gradually and steadily and now she is my world. As I have got to know her, as she has grown and developed. Am not instinctively maternal either like you (my baby is the only one I've ever been interested in!!!) but trust me it comes.
Had a godawful patch when she was 8w when I just sat with her on sofa and cried an entire afternoon. Felt like my lovely old life was over.
Still miss my old life but I love DD more.
It can take time, you are totally normal. Early weeks are tough, v v tough for some.
It will come, doesn't have to be a rush of feelings xxxx

Ds1 I adored instantly, thought he was the best baby in the world and probably bored everyone stupid. DS2 it took AGES. It was exactly what you say - I thought he was cute, I met his needs and kept him safe but I still massively preferred DS1. I think it's good to be on your guard against possible PND, but I also think sometimes the love comes later. You shouldn't feel bad about not feeling the rush of love yet, OP. Hang in there, keep doing what you're doing and make sure you get some time to yourself - tiny babies are very draining and life can get tedious. 7 years down the line I couldn't bear to be without either of my 'darling boys' as they are jokingly referred to - and the fact that I didn't feel particularly goo-ey about DS 2 when he was small is well and truly water under the bridge.

Be easy on yourself, it will come in time.

Ds1 was immediate but dd2 was about 18months old. It will come ds is now.15 and dd is 12. I am probably closer to dd at the moment.

DS - 3 days
DD - 5 weeks (I felt awful about the discrepancy)

You are normal. When they start smiling more it can help, and I also think when they start to talk and have conversations with you is when it gets much easier. Don't force it - focus on giving DD everything she needs, that's all it takes to be her mum. Meanwhile look after yourself as much as possible.

I think what doesn't help is all that stuff people tell you about the wonderful newborn stage. I remember it being so, so hard and when people said that I was terrified this was the good bit and it was going to be downhill from there!

When you have your first baby you are not just getting to know and waiting to fall in love with the baby, you're dealing with a massive physical and emotional upheaval, and you're doing that on little sleep, often while healing from damage to your body, and feeling your way through new challenges every day. It's exhausting and it's no surprise that even those of us who don't suffer PND can have a very tough time.

I would talk to your DH if you can, even if just to share that you feel overwhelmed, exhausted and emotional.

I also think spring, more light and more getting out and about will help.

Glad to see you have people reassuring you. I also didn't get the whole 'love' thing for a long time (months rather than days or weeks) and I can't remember when I felt it. I had a difficult birth with my DD. I was fed up of being pregnant and everyone said to me "It'll all be worth it when you have your baby in your arms" - was it heck. I felt trapped. It was terrible. Sleep deprivation was horrendous. I couldn't breastfeed and was expressing milk around the clock (I'm glad I did that still in hindsight but it kind of added to the crazy)

We muddled along together and I worked so hard to "fake it til I made it" - I was always cuddling her and kissing her, and really I thought she was ok but it was still really hard and I felt like a bad person.

Someone else mentioned going back to work, this totally helped me. I went back when she was 8mo. She was a Velcro baby and she did find it hard adjusting to her (lovely, experienced staff, baby-centred) nursery and I felt terrible AGAIN. However after a rocky few weeks she started to like it. And I LOVED being back at work.

Now she is 2 and I would lay down and die for her. Her smile is like the sun to me. I love her little cheeks. I marvel at her running around, her strong little legs. We have all sorts of fun chats. I don't know when it happened really but it's all good now, and I thought it never would be.

I think the fact that you are thinking about all this and that you want to be the best mum you can be, meet your daughters needs and feel real love for her means you are very far from toxic.

You're not alone.

I didn't feel the rush of love either. I felt protective, but it wasn't love - I didn't really feel it until I got to know her, which took time. But that said, I don't think I worried about it either.
I can't remember when it changed, because it wasn't a thunderbolt moment. If anything, I now love her so much it scares me a bit sometimes.

What you are feeling is completely normal.

Tiny babies are vampires - they just take and take and take. Once they are a couple of months old they start to smile and interact more. They keep getting better. For me I really only began to enjoy DC around 3-4 months. At toddler stage they are fab.

Be kind to yourself, get as much sleep as you can and take every scrap of help offered. You will get through this stage. Not everyone loves the newborn stage - it bores me and drains me in equal measure.

Reading all of your replies and having your support is so helpful. It makes a difference to see this as a process rather than an absolute state, knowing it's normal to feel like this now and that you've all eventually fallen in love with your DCs - if I think about the positives rather than how tired I feel I can actually see that I am slowly bonding with her.

And Bot I think it's a good point about going back to work - the trapped feeling is probably partly from going from being quite good at a stressful, reasonably high-powered job to feeling overwhelmed by a trip to Tesco with DD - I'm planning to go back after 6 months.

Eletheomel, I am very conscious of the potential for PND. I've had mild depression before so I know what to look out for. But at this point I don't think it's PND. I am keeping an eye out for warning signs though.

And don't hide it from your DH. He may well be feeling the same. It's really important you have someone you can talk to about these feelings. They are totally normal.

Honestly, I do sometimes think older people (think kids in late teens or older) need a slap around the head for the stuff they come out with. They just see a cute baby and look back through rose-tinted specs, waxing lyrical about how wonderful babies are. Babies are wonderful but these people have forgotten the sheer relentless grind of day and night parenting of a small baby. GPs are the worst because they love the baby without any of the 24-7 exhaustion that accompanies a newborn!

You are normal. Give it a few weeks or months and you are going to fall in love :)

There is just simply no logic to it. DD I loved instantly from the minute she was born. DS took a few weeks to get used to. Strange because DD was a much more demanding baby. I know quite a few people who don't particularly enjoy this newborn stage.