When do you feel the unconditional love?

[NoSunshineHere]

I've name changed for this because I feel like I'm failing as a person...

DD is 5 weeks old and I still don't feel that groundswell of unconditional love that everyone talks about. I'm just so tired, I don't really feel anything other than emptiness tinged with resentment and stress. I'm worried that I'm just not designed to be a parent - we put off having children for years, I wasn't sure I wanted them.

And now she's here and everyone keeps telling me how wonderful parenthood is and how I've never known love until now and how lovely the newborn stage is... but I don't feel like that. I don't think it's PND - I'm not perpetually down. I feel trapped, like I've lost myself to a small person who doesn't do much other than eat, sleep and make dirty nappies. I like her, and I want her to be safe and have her needs met. But I don't feel like it's love.

I'm worried that I might not look after her properly because I don't feel bound too her the way others describe their baby. And I feel guilty, because she's so tiny and defenceless, she deserves a naturally maternal mother. I feel like there's something wrong with me, that this feeling of love that everyone else finds so effortless isn't there.

When did you really deeply bond with your baby? And what do I do if it never happens? I don't feel I should be allowed to be a parent if I don't love her unconditionally, surely that's the first step to being a toxic parent ?

At 5 weeks I wanted to run for the hills. It's really ok. My oldest is 3.5 and my love is totally unconditional. Almost to the point where u don't see their faults and defend them to high water. X

Hills lol

With DS1 I was so drugged from my labour and EMCS that it was the middle of the night about 12 hours after he was born before I remember looking at him as he was feeding and feeling this huge surge of love.

DS2 it took much longer. I loved him, and I did my very very best for him, but he was a few weeks old when I actually 'fell in love' with him. It was late, DH and I were sitting on the sofa and DS2 was awake. His little eyes just opened and stared right into me, and my heart flipped over.

Don't beat yourself up OP, motherhood is a journey not a single moment, and I don't think many of us find it to be anything like what we expect.

7 months. She had a fever and kept us up all night and DH had to go run out for some ibuprofen.

I suddenly thought: Oh I really care!

But before that it really felt like a treadmill. I pretty much hated the first few months but after that night, the last five months of maternity was fantastic.

If at all possible, don't make any hard and fast decisions about when you return to work as your feelings might change.

Be kind to yourself and as other previous posters have said don't rule out PND.
I had undiagnosed PND for a long time. DS1 didn't sleep still doesn't aged 25 and screamed incessantly. I had a long difficult labour..if he had been taken away when he was born I honestly think it wouldn't have bothered me. I think he was about 4 years not months before we connected!
Don't forget sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture!
I had no rush of love with any of my DC, more a creeping affection that became more intense when they left home I came to the conclusion the more other mothers gushed about their DC the more it was a load of BS. The image of coping mums, gorgeous, sweet babies is just that for a large number..just an image!
You will get there, one day you will look at DC and it will be there.

A friend of mine will admit quite frankly that at any moment over the first three months she'd have happily handed her firstborn back, decided parenthood wasn't for her and gone back to a childfree life, and that even after that it was a gradual process. I found it very helpful that she was upfront with us about that.

It was around 6 months for me. At first I was so poorly from c-section and other problems, sleepless nights etc and just wondering where has this baby come from to think I really love you, just looked after him and met his every need. I don't even think it's a sudden rush of love sometimes, it grows and grows. He's now 3 and I adore him beyond words, he's my entire world and I don't remember not having him. It really will happen, just enjoy every day, no rushing, not chasing milestones, they are so different and enjoy yours!

8 months with my first. Instantly with 2nd and 3rd, 3ish months with 4th. It's so hard, especially with the first one when it feels as though an alien has stolen your life.

I have always loved dd but it's only now she's older that I have developed that fierce protective love. When I see her being brave over something, or someone being mean to her (but not too much so she has to sort it herself) I just get this overwhelming love for her. Something I never had when she was a baby (and I loved her but she was just cute baby). I really wouldn't worry - personally I don't see how babies evoke that kind of love

I felt numb initially. We'd been trying for 5 years to have our daughter and 3 intense IVF rounds. I think I was a bit overwhelmed by it all! And let's face it, those first few weeks they're indistinguishable from other newborns, lolling heads and blank stares. But as my daughter started smiling and screeching in delight and grabbing and laughing, that's when the groundswell of love really happened. Now I love her so much, it feels unbearable at times! You'll get there, don't feel ashamed!

That Mamas and Pappas song 'It's getting better' perfectly sums up my feelings with DD - tbh it took almost 2 years, and it was never a rush, more of a quiet contentment feeling that gradually set in. Now she is 4 and I love her, admire her and am so proud of her even though she is super challenging and drives me round the twist almost hourly! DS was far more instant. Jury's out for the third due in June.

They dint really do much until 6 months. I felt a little bolt once when I was in soft play and someone pushed DS over, a massive surge of protectiveness.

I love newborns but loads of people prefer them older and find that bit a boring slog.

Don't best yourself up about it, and I wouldn't get stressed either. It's a huge lifestyle change, the first few weeks are a hard hard slog at times. Just get through this bit with as much sleep as possible.

I think you should turn the expectations upside down and ask yourself 'what would I do if someone came along and decided they were going to take her away and bring them up instead of me'.

If you feel no loss then, if you feel that you would not miss out and that your baby would be fine then you might have PND or another problem.

I'm certain that you would think 'no they are bloody not, I'm going to do the very best I can for this child, she is part of me and nobody will ever take her away'.

Baby love is more about attachment than emotion.

please please please dont feel bad... i didn't get it for months...
i didn't have any of the euphoria you're mean to have
all i had was panic and fear!
please dont worry at all... having chatted it over with friends, its pretty common
i dont think i had it for months or maybe years. all i know is i have it now and my dd is nearly 3.

I've always loved my DTs as in protected them, fed them, looked after them to the best of my ability but like on the posters above felt more numb than anything else at the beginning. Adifficult pregnancy, prem delivery and six weeks in SCBU had its affect on the bonding process I'm sure.

Now, they are 2.5 and I love them more than anything in the world, it just kind of crept up on me and BAM! there it was.

Quite honestly, I also find newborns a bit, well, dull. They don't do anything apart from feed / sleep / poo ad infinitum.

That first period of time was such a blur that I couldn't really enjoy them. A friend told me she felt exactly the same way too, people just don't seem to talk about it. It doesn't necessarily mean PND, its a huge adjustment to your life, hormonal madness and sleep deprivation in the beginning. It will happen!

OP, I don't have any advice that others haven't already given but thought I'd share so you know you're not alone. I feel kinda the same as you but I always considered myself to be maternal- I love children, always knew I wanted them and used to take care of babies and toddlers when I worked in a nursery for a couple of years. However, I still haven't felt the intense feeling of love.

When doing hypnobirthing classes, the instructor had told us all about the moment when you first see your baby is euphoric- if they could bottle that feeling everyone would be addicted and that she felt bad that the dads wouldn't get the chance to experience that. The second she was born I was expecting this sudden rush. And it didn't come. I had a great pregnancy- was very easy, no sickness etc. and I loved my labour and birth experience (fast, no pain relief, empowering etc.) and immediately after I wanted to do it all again. But when I looked at her I felt.... indifferent.

I thought it would pass in a few days but she just didn't feel like mine. It felt like a stranger had just given me their baby to take care of. I posted on another forum when she was about your DD's age with the same concerns as you and was told that it will come. She is nearly 6 months old now and I'm still waiting. I know I'm not depressed. I'm happy. She is a great baby. Really no issues. I do everything for her/with her and spend all day everyday with her. We go out all the time and play at home. I do find her fun and interesting and enjoy her smiles and giggles. I've never had any negative feelings towards her and I don't really miss my old life or anything like that, but I don't feel overjoyed and like I'm loving motherhood (it's annoying when people ask that and I just kind of go along, "yeah, it's amazing!")

I just feel like a really good babysitter. I suppose I'm quite fond of her but I'm so desperate to feel this aching love/groundswell that others speak of! I feel so guilty that I'm not particularly fussed about her and like you I really worry that I may end up being a toxic mother like mine is. God please no.

In my case, I really just don't understand why I'm missing this feeling because I've got it so good and haven't found it difficult/draining at all. Wanted kids, planned her, easy pregnancy/birth, easy baby, helpful DH, access to lots of recreation, not depressed etc. So why??!

Thank you so much for starting this thread as it is also really useful for me to hear from others and I just can't wait for the day that I feel that towards my DD.

Sorry for the long hijacking post x

My 2nd (of 3) is the only baby who I had an overwhelming love for straight away. I don't love any of them differently now though.

I think, for me, circumstances definitely played a part. He was born at 7pm, I laboured nicely, it never got too painful, it was in water, calm, my other son was at his granny's. Just lots of things that lead to a lovely calm birth which left me euphoric when he was born. The other two, while in now way traumatic, were very painful and not at all calm.

I have also found myself 'falling in lev' with my children over the first months of life rather than having a moment.

I had lots of moments from the day my boy was born where I would look at him and cry because he was so beautiful (usually when he was asleep!!) But at the same time I felt quite detached from the situation. I used to check him constantly so I must have loved him but that utter utter adoration and love came around 8 weeks. Lo is now 4 months old and I spend my life worrying about every move he makes!

I think for me it was around 3 months, when they actually do something. Newborns may smell
Delicious, but bloody hell they are boring and hard work.

When they get a bit older it's more rewarding. Please be honest with HCP about how you are feeling PND can sneak up on you.

Congratulations on your baby

OP, it took me a few months and was much more of a gradual process than a sudden surge. At the start I was very pleased she was healthy and normal but I think I was just exhausted, recovering from childbirth and focusing on trying to do the job right.

I remember my mum visiting and when she heard the baby cry saying, 'Oh baby, that noise pierces your mummy's heart!' and me thinking, 'Er, no it doesn't, I'm not that bothered'.

It changed though and as I got to know her I gradually found myself more amazed by her and now I absolutely love her to pieces.

You sound like a great mum who is doing a fantastic job. Don't be hard on yourself - you just had a baby - it's tough!

I would echo what SparklyMonkey and emeraldgirl said. For me it took months rather than weeks (we had a particularly tough first few months), and it was a gradual build up as I got to know her rather than a sudden lightning flash moment.

I still think I am quite "objective" about DD compared with many parents about their children. For example I don't think she is the most beautiful child in the world, neither do I think she is perfect in every way especially when she's having a mega strop.

I think this is just my personality though, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong. I didn't have a "fall in love" moment with DH either, it was a gradual thing with him too.

how lovely the newborn stage is.

Ugh. Who says that? Certainly no-one who can actually remember the newborn stage It is dreadful. And boring.

It definitely wasn't instant for me, either. I would feel it seemingly drift away and then return in the morning until eventually it stayed. I was poleaxed by parenthood. It was so much harder than I had thought, and I remember thinking after about 2 weeks 'do you know, I could fancy going back to work now, just to have some part of my life that is under control'.

You care enough about being a good mum to ask the question. The emotions will come when you feel less tired. Can you make sure you get more sleep, either by going to bed ludicrously early, or by getting DH to do more of the night work?