I'm not a good Mum.

[YippeeKiYayMakkaPakka]

I'm too stern with DD2, too quick to get annoyed when she's being difficult. I try to be positive but I just want her to behave, especially when we're out, I suppose I see her behaviour as a reflection on me and I'd hate to be one of those ineffective parents who lets their child misbehave. But I feel like I'm too negative, too critical (she's only 3yo). I don't cope well with stress and when I've got both of them (DD2 is 1yo) I get flustered and I'm more likely to snap at her.

And I don't spend enough time playing with her, with either of them. I get bored quickly and find myself gravitating to MN or FB. And I promise myself at the end of each day that I'll keep off the computer until they're asleep, but it never works out that way. I want to read with them and play with them more and enjoy them, they're growing up so fast. And DD2 has said three times this week that she doesn't love me, she loves Daddy more, she prefers doing things with Daddy. But he gets to be the fun parent, he only sees them for 3 hours a day during the week and I'm the one who has to feed them, clothe them, look after them, tidy up after them. And get up to settle the baby half a dozen times a night. And I'm tired and snappy and all he has to do is play with them, but he's more fun anyway, I'll never be the 'fun' parent. I'm the strict parent, the boring parent.

I want to be better, I know I'll never be perfect but my 'best' just isn't good enough at the moment and it makes me sad. What can I do?

I would get off the computer for sure. parenting can be utterly tedious, yes but expecting a 1 year old to behave isn't doing you any favours. it might be helpful to really look at your attitude to motherhood and how you interact with your children. They will be picking up on your attitude and feelings.
Don't be harsh on yourself, but do be honest. If you can make changes that will help, then do it.

Damn, just realised my first sentence should have said DD1, the 3yo. I don't expect the 1yo to behave! In fact I often wish I could be as lenient on DD1 as I am with DD2; 3yo is still just little as well, really. She's bright though, I think I forget how young she is and expect too much of her.

Oh poor you.. You are doing a great job bringing up the kids yourself and you certainly a great mum telling your kids how to behave that's why you are strict with them. Don't be too hard on yourself. Make small changes everyday such as baking together one day, going to the park the next day.. You don't have to play or entertain them every min of the day. Arrange play dates so they are with other kids for a few hours so you can have a cup of tea. Enjoy a family day out or even a stroll in the park to let off steam..going to playgroup and meet other mums might help. I don't spend every spare min with my kids as I get bored so I put the tv on whilst I do the housework or chores. I do read every night, snuggle up in bed with them, even for 10-15mins they look happy and content

OK, you have a 1yo and a 3yo. That in itself is enough to stretch most people. Your DD2 doesn't love daddy more at all, they all say that at around that age. My 2 boys both said it and I have mostly been a WOHM so nothing to do with how much time you spend with them.

Give yourself a break, MN and FB when you need it and try to enjoy your time with them. This is the most difficult age IMHO. When they are 3 and 5 things will be miles easier!

Oh, I'm a bad mum, too. At least as you describe it! I always try to do more with them, but I get bored quickly etc etc...take heart from the fact that your best probably is 'good enough' - score yourself some matt Ridley (nature-nurture scientist): good parenting is a bit like vitamin c; as long as you get some, there'll be no difference between that and having tons. As long as you're not actually abusive, you won't negatively affect your children in any real way. Having said that, don't get too hung up on behaving - at three this is a really, really flexible concept! And take heart: they get way more interesting soon, especially dd1. I can honestly say, having dragged my heavy heart through the 'god if I have to play peekaboo one more time...' years, I now thoroughly enjoy my kids, especially dd who's 8 and am more than happy spending time with her.

Thanks I hope my post didn't suggest I'm a single parent, I just mean that DH is at work during the week so he doesn't have to entertain and look after the kids all day.

We do get out of the house a lot (usually just for a coffee or shopping), and sometimes the park when the weather's better. My parents are a big help, but then when they're here I tend to get on with housework while they play with the kids.

Tomorrow the computer is staying off until at least lunchtime. I've just decided.

I'm pretty shit at all the things you describe above too. To be honest, I get round it by sending DS (nearly 4) to a really good preschool 4 times a week, where I know he is getting loads of attention and stimulation, which I feel compensates for my shortcomings in these areas a bit.

Could have written a lot of your post myself, except I only have 1, so you're doing a better job than me! Nothing to advise as still trying to work it out myself, but the points about being very strict as not wanting to be ineffectual and getting bored easily with playing really resonated.

I'm also trying to be less snappy and shouty - I growled in frustration at someone's driving in our car the other day, so not at my daughter at all and hearing her little voice say "sorry mummy" from the backseat broke my heart, as it made me realise how much I must snap at her, as she now thinks raised voices are directed at her. This made me feel awful, so am really trying to rectify this before it has too much impact on her.

It's a good idea about not going online until they're in bed - am going to try that for 1 day this week and maybe build up from there.

Sorry, not much help at all, but hoping some empathy helps a bit?

I think you are being hard on yourself. If you are a bad parent then I think 99 percent of us are!

I think about this a lot too.

I have realised its better to do things with the kids that I enjoy too. So baking is just a messy chore. But I quite like pottering in the garden with them or just sitting with pen and paper. Sometimes we just have a laugh and do funny exercises on the floor - they both love it and it wakes me up.

I also think kids need time to just "be" and find their own entertainment. (So I tell myself anyway )

Empathy does helpPete, thanks. And good nn btw; I haven't watched 30 Rock in a couple of years, I need to get back into it. Might cheer me up

Ah, thanks - think getting back into it sounds like a good plan, I find having something to look forward to is essential, even if it is just a couple of hours on the sofa in the evening watching something decent.

And on those days without tinternet, we're gonna need something to look forward to...

I try to do ONE good thing per day per child. Mine are older than yours at 9 and 5 but I know your issues well.

I say that if I spend half an hour's quality time with each child on their own then that is fine.

That half hour could be reading, going to a cafe together, drawing and colouring or somtimes just being silly and playing a make believe game.

I can't and you can't be that Super Mother ALL DAY long. We're not Cbeebies presenters!

We have other things to do and think about too. Of course I chat to them all the time...then send them off to read, do homework or play....I get my younger one to do little jobs near me if she's asking for more attention than i can give. Today she folded about 20 tea towels and put them away...and then she "polished" the French Doors. She felt important and helpful and she was busy and she helped me (sort of )

But remember, you're not meant to play with them ALL day long.

I feel like you sometimes - I've found the book Toddlercalm has really helped me though. Helped me to look at my toddler properly, and have realistic expectations. Really really really recommend

Thanks Bumbolina, I'll check that out. I already have How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Playful Parenting (which I bought but haven't read yet).

Thanks for all the replies, it does help to know others are feeling the same.

How are you feeling today, Yippee? (Love your NN too, btw, always makes me smile when I see

It's their age. It's so hard. I have 3 so I have done (and am still doing) the baby and 3/4 yr old twice!

I find going out is the only way I can cope. I am easily distracted and bored in the house. I would rather fold washing than play cars or dollies !

I now have 6 yr old DS at school all day so that is great. They also get so much easier OP, trust me. 4 yr old DD in morning nursery and baby now 17 months. Mornings are great now. Most morning's DS2 naps and DD is in nursery. One morning a week I take him to a toddler group we both love (nice mums).

It's the afternoons that are hard just now. DD comes home from nursery and before we have stepped in the door she is full of demands and what she wants to do before I have my coat off. DS2 just want to refuse lunch and go to bed! So I have one climbing the walls and one napping (he won't nap in his buggy).

I've done this before though and I don't let it get to me as much this time. Now realise just how quick it all goes in and your babies are no longer babies - they are at school all day.

I was also so much harder on my first. I wish I hadn't been OP. As someone who did the same - please let her be at bit more.

She is still a baby too and her feelings and emotions are far more important than some nosey mum staring at you because your DC is having a wee melt down etc.
My DS struggles at school because he is uber polite and never pushes in (so gets pushed out). He finds other less well behaved children hard to deal with so can tend to get picked on a bit.

DD however, who I have been so much more relaxed with is polite and generally a good kid but is so much more feisty. She will have no problems at school - she doesn't suffer fools gladly! She can stick up for herself (and her brother). I feel I have let her kick off a bit more. I've not been breathing down her neck to do this, do that, be like how I want you to be - the perfect child!

I understand how little they are at 3 and 4 and how they need to let off steam more than I did.

I still tend to give DS1 more of a break now. He is so easy now but also too eager to please everyone else .

My typing is awful. Have a wriggly tot on my knee!

This could of been me OP. Sounds awful but dd just used to irritate me where as ds didn't. (17 month age gap)

Now though we get on lovely but I have to make an effort to remember to hug dd and sit down with her where as ds is more mummy mummy mummy huggy and its more natural.

She still does irritate me though, think its where we are just so similar.

Some parents (including myself) are just not small-kid people. You will enjoy your kids more when they're a bit older. In the meantime cut yourself some slack and try not to worry too much about what other people think.

I think I am a little too strict as well actually. I am too quick to shout sometimes if I think that DS is being rude and defiant. He is still so little and most of the time hasn't really got a clue what he is doing.

The fact that you have highlighted it as a problem means you are not happy with what you are doing and that's the first step to changing your behaviour.

I know there are parenting courses out there but I have no idea how good they are. I am just trying really hard to not knee jerk a bark or a shout and be calmer and more patient. None if us are perfect parents, even the people who think they are !!

I'm quite like you aswell. And my 2 are a lot older now.
I don't agree with Button's suggestion.
But there you go. I think you are probably doing a lot better job than you realise.

You sound like me OP, I'm also a bit strict and seem to spend far more time telling my 3 (actually very well behaved) DCs off than actually doing anything fun with them

At the weekend DD was trying to get me to play a board game with her and a friend (it's one that works best with 3 players) and I made all sorts of excuses about having to tidy the kitchen and send some emails for work and then make a cup of tea. I did eventually sit down and play with them, but then I had to get up before the end of the game to make dinner.

Don't beat yourself up about it, we have so much to do that we can't possibly find the energy/enthusiasm even when we do have the time. If you're still waking in the night with your little one you need some relaxation and I know that FB and MN can get a bit addictive, but its good to keep in touch with the wider world and get new perspectives on things. Look at you now - you may be on the computer, but you're on here asking for advice on parenting, which is good parenting in itself!

Go easy on yourself, make a vow to spend perhaps half an hour of solid playtime with your DCs each day, take them out for a change of scenery and let them fill the rest of the day with entertaining themselves - they need to be self-sufficient at some points through the day.

I don't remember ever really playing games with my parents except the odd round of Monopoly at Christmas, they were very busy working from home so they were always around but not constantly available, so my brothers and I learned to amuse ourselves. I knew they loved me, but I never felt that it was their job to actually sit down and do kid stuff with me, just to provide the materials I needed and permission to make a mess occasionally!

And yes, I always expected a lot of my DS1, he seemed so much older than his younger siblings, but actually when he was still only little himself and coping with new siblings I could have been a bit more lenient.

I remember looking at him aged 4 when his little brother was born and thinking 'wow his head is just huge!' and the same when DD came along for DS2 - they just seem massive compared to the little baby who's just arrived and so you think of them as being very grown up, whereas they're still so small really.

If nothing else, just being aware of this and trying to be a bit less harsh on her will help you feel better.

I totally know where you're coming from, I pick my kids up from school (coming straight from work) and when we get home I want to chill / browse the internet / drink a cup of tea in peace. Instead the kids demand food / drinks / attention / lap to sit on etc etc etc. I feel like a cr*p mum because I basically want half an hour to myself to read the dailymail gossip pages online drink tea & decompress.

Personally, the best think I ever did was to delete my entire Facebook account about a year ago - I found myself incessantly checking it, checking everyone's status updates, comparing myself to other seemingly perfect mums (who were always posting idyllic status updates about their perfect half terms / after school afternoons...Grrr!). I deleted my account and I have never looked back. I don't miss it at all, and I can't compare myself to the so-called perfect mums anymore. My time spend on internet has significantly decreased. I do go on MN and dailymail gossip pages but it doesnt consume all my time.

I have also introduced 'mummytime' where each child gets an uninterrupted 20 minutes of my time at least twice per week (i know, sounds pathetic in terms of time, but they adore it!). Each child (I have 3) get to choose what we do during mummytime. THe other 2 entertain themselves or are allowed 20mins of TV whilst sibling is having mummytime. I make myself a cuppa and enjoy 20mins of whatever they want to do, with NO interruptions allowed at all.

Seems to be working at the moment!

I could have written your post OP except I only have one child. I also really struggled to relate to DS when he was 3 and 4 as his interests were so childlike (who'da thunk, eh??) but also he didn't have the eagerness to please that he did when younger, in fact quite the opposite which made engaging and playing with him hard. He's 5 now and I'm starting to connect with him in a whole new way which is nicer.

Things I found helped:

Not trying to play so much. Keeping activities to something I could manage without being bored or frustrated, like some kind of learning or exploring activity (exploring being better than learning, because learning got me frustrated if he didn't engage "properly". Also will probably help you pitch it at both ages) or problem solving - e.g. puzzles, lego, activity books with mazes etc - whatever you find least stressful to do with them, do that and don't feel guilty at not doing the rest.

Getting a lot firmer with boundaries. 3 is a real crunch point in terms of discipline and I found my persuasion/encouragement/appealing to toddler logic suddenly no longer working and to boot he was actively fighting against me much of the time. Don't engage. Remember you're the adult. Logical/related consequences, fair consequences, warning, reminders of expectations in advance, clear explanations. Try to use positive language to describe what you want e.g. "Walk nicely next to me" instead of "Stop running around next to the road!" When all else fails have a token punishment and/or bribe! Harder when you are out. Do you have a double buggy?

Try to avoid MN and facebook during the day by making it more difficult to access, e.g. limiting yourself to checking it on your phone and not the computer, or at set times during the day only. I am a bit shit at this one, but it does help - occupy yourself doing stuff around the house, not necessarily with DC directly but being aware of and available to them. When you're trapped in a bubble on the computer you are not truly present in the moment.

Try to see stuff through a different lens e.g. "What was his/her positive intent, how can I channel this?" "What learning experience can I bring from this?" "I wonder how I can make this into a game" or physically e.g. trying to take one or two nice photographs, or a video or recording of your child each day to remember the good parts.

See as many other people with children as you can, preferably outside.

Lastly the book "When your kids push your buttons" helped me react much less snappily.

Good luck! :)