I'm not happy with how we're handling 5yo's eating

[BertieBottsJustGotMarried]

Wondered if anyone could either reassure me or offer any advice?

DS has always been a fussy eater, and food has always been an issue ie he doesn't eat a lot. But I think that, really, the problem is fussiness rather than amount, as he can happily eat what I would think of as a normal child's portion if he likes the food and something more interesting doesn't come along.

Lunch and breakfast are fine, the main issue is dinner. He has such a limited list of foods/meals he will eat and picks at every little thing. He has the same thing for lunch every day too, but I don't mind that so much because it's lunch! I suppose I could make him a version of the same dinner but it would be nice to mix it up a bit. Currently he will happily eat without any complaint: Pizza, pork chop/chicken breast with chips or (sometimes) veg, "cold dinner" which is basically lunch again - ham/sausage/salami with crackers or crisps and crunchy salad veg ie peppers and cucumbers.

There are a few others which are hit and miss - chicken nuggets and chips, spaghetti bolognese, pasta with tomato sauce and spare fridge ingredients, beans on toast. He proclaims to hate stew but will pick out the meat and carrots and eat them fairly happily.

We tried for a while to have family dinners around a table, but DS would just sit there for hours and barely eat anything. DH discovered that DS ate more without thinking when he was sitting in front of the TV so we went back to that - it's what I resorted to when he was little and barely ate. I hate this, but it seems less stressful for him.

I don't know how to deal with it when he says he doesn't like something, because he has such a limited amount of foods that he DOES like, it's so frustrating - and the list has got smaller, he used to eat more. DP is big into encouraging him to try stuff, and saying things like "You have to eat four more carrots and then you're allowed pudding". I am against this kind of thing in principle but I know that DS will avoid eating something which is mediocre if he thinks there's a chance he can get pudding or crisps or something instead. For example if you give him a sandwich and crisps, he will eat the crisps and then leave the sandwich because he's taken the edge off his hunger. But given the sandwich first, he'll eat it totally happily and eat the crisps as well. He also has a maddening trait where if you tell him the name of something he definitely doesn't like it, but if you can get him to try it without knowing what it's called or telling him it's something he does like (e.g. turnip is "yellow carrot"), he'll like it and often he starts something, likes it, and then decides he doesn't by the end. GAAAAAHHHHHHH!! I hate all this naming of foods, hiding food, lying about foods. I swore I would never do it.

This also happens when he thinks something exciting is happening. We were staying with family recently and their DS ate much faster than DS and asked to leave the table. As soon as he left DS was miraculously "full up" and didn't want any more even though he had been happily eating before - he just wanted to go and play and not be sat at the table eating. Again, we resorted to saying "You need to eat at least X much more".

It's so stupidly hard. I thought he would have grown out of this kind of thing by now. I want to leave him to it and let him eat nothing, but TBH, we can't afford to keep throwing food away especially when he then later starts crying saying he's hungry - I do sometimes let him have some toast. I was making dinner one day and it took ages and by the time it was ready, he looked really excited, I put it down and he burst into tears saying "I can't eat that, I don't like it." I felt AWFUL for him, I could just imagine being starving hungry and then being presented with some food which you're just 100% sure you won't like. DH was a bit less sympathetic and let him have a cry for a bit and then managed to get him to try some, and he did actually like it. But I just can't shake the feeling that I'm being mean all the time by serving him food I know he won't immediately love. But then it's so stressful trying to stick to his limited diet all the time again.

Ah, I sympathise. DS1 (nearly 7) has a limited diet, (exacerbated by various allergies) but not impossibly so. It has got a lot better since I stopped fighting him about it and gave up caring really!

I have always done stuff like give him his sandwiches before crisps, make sure he eats some veg before he gets pudding, etc. Other than that I rotate the meals he likes - a few years ago this meant fish fingers 3 times a week but over time (and with negotiation which has got easier as he gets older) this has gradually expanded and now he can have a different meal every night for a fortnight, which is more than I do!

I do insist on meals at the table though and definitely TV off, I don't think mindless eating is a good thing and I would rather he eats less than shovels it in without thinking.

We don't have a table any more, and timing of meals is a bit of a pain because DH has huge lunches at work so isn't hungry until DS is in bed and if I eat earlier with DS I'm hungry later. But then, DH said he'd only continue filling up on the lunches until money was a bit less tight, so perhaps I can persuade him we need to eat at the table again!

My 3.5 year old is similar - eats breakfast and lunch well but doesn't "like" dinner (says he doesn't like hot food )

What I do for dinner is generally just cook what me and DP want, since DS says he doesn't like most things anyway. We sit down and eat together, and have a time limit (say, 30 minutes). He has to try everything on his plate if he wants pudding - yoghurt or fruit.

If he doesn't want to eat he doesn't have to. He can have a glass of milk with dinner. He's not going to starve himself.

Sometimes DS does the same - makes a big fuss that he doesn't like something, but then tries it in order to get pudding and finds actually he does like it enough to eat some.

I hate the thought of him going to bed hungry. I suppose I feel I should fill him up and if the food I have provided isn't filling this purpose then I should be doing it another way. I did read something about it being the child's responsibility to eat or not, though, rather than the adult's.

Oh I rarely eat with the DC, they eat their tea at 5ish but they sit at the table together... I am assuming your DC is an only but maybe you could sit and have a cuppa at the table while he has his tea, or potter around the kitchen while he eats so you're nearby but the pressure's not on him quite so much?

That could work. At that time of day I'm usually trying not to fall asleep sure DH would be happy to come home and find me washing up or something though!

DD2 was hopeless (at almost 13, she finally eats reasonable portions, still sodding fussy although slowly getting better).

The only way to stay sane was to stick her in front of the TV and accept that way she ate something. At the table she'd stare into space for an hour and eat two mouthfuls.

She simply finds food boring and because she finds it boring she can give full range to her control freak nature. She's quite happy to next to nothing, rather than try something new or which she doesn't like.

You can't win, you can't even break even, I wish I'd realised this when she was 5 not 12

A - don't give him crisps with sandwiches
B - don't let other kids leave the table and if you do, tell yours that if he clears his plate then he can get down
C - don't fill his plates, put the food in dishes and let him have a little of 'the adult's' food 'if he thinks he is big enough' and that way, you can use the food for leftovers as it hasn't been mucked about with on a plate.
D - definitely use a table. Eating in front of the tv is such a bad habit to get into.

It can be difficult I hope you find some solutions that work for you, these are some of the things that worked for us, might give you some ideas.

our DD1 had issues with food due to enlarged tonsils and adenoids which meant she was holding her breath to swallow, She found eating very tiring.
Things we did.

Set out on a plate with how you would be happy your child ate for a meal. Take half off, now give her the plate. With the instruction, that is how much I expect you to eat, but if once you have finished you are still hungry you are welcome to have some more. She was very overwhelmed by too much on her plate to start.

Do the same with drinks - DD1 would guzzle her drink and then be too full to eat.

Cut out any treats - make them a once a week earned with stars etc.
If she said she wasn't hungry I would wrap the food on the plate and when she said she was hungry she would be offered the same plate!
It took about a week before she realised I wasn't giving in.
Too the point she got last nights dinner for breakfast on a couple of occasions.

We try lots of different stuff, you can't say you don't like it until you have tried it 5-10 times.
We do a kinda high tea about once a month - we take our girls to the supermarket and they have to find 2-3 things each that they have never had before to try for their tea, sometimes we might have a theme like fish.
they picked mackerel, tuna, salmon, sardines, sild (which i'd not tried) & smoked salmon. they picked a loaf of non-white bread to have with it. Set it all out in dishes around the table with little squares of buttered bread, they were allowed to help themselves as long as they took just a little to try and if they liked it they could have more.
And we allowed them to choose a cake/dessert for us all to have after.
Again if they hadn't tried anything they simply didn't get dessert.
"Too full for dinner, too full for anything else!"
This has improved her williness to try stuff. Her younger sister wasn't nearly as fussy. Things have improved as both had op to remove the T & A's.
On returning to ward post surgery she ate a full plate of sausage and chips!
She will now eat pretty much anything other than peas.
We try to make sure she isn't tired as she defiantly eats less even if hungry then.
We've also explained that different parents have different rules for their children, so just because they see another child doing something doesn't mean they can do it.
Oh and a "No thank you" portion we've found useful too. If it is something we don't like, but we know it's good for us we have to have just a dessert spoonful of it. So DD1 & Mummy that means peas. It is important if doing this it applies to you as parents, otherwise it won't work.

Good luck

My 6 year old is exactly the same. just today I was eating lemon curd on toast and DD said it smelt really nice just like lemon cake. I said it was nice and she could try some if she wanted, but she absolutely refused. Just because shed never had it before and she wont try anything unfamiliar

I just ignore it tbh. If she refuses to eat her dinner, she can have toast. porridge or an apple before bed if shes complaining that she's hungry. she will eat things from every food group so im sure shes healthy enough. shes on the skinny side but still a healthy weight. I was the same as a child and i grew out of it eventually, im sure my dd will too.

Our 4 year old is okay with the range of food he eats but he does play the old 'I'm full' card when eating something he might not be in the mood of or more usually when he can't be bothered ('my arms are too sore..') feeding himself (this happened all the time). Worst thing is if he needs a wee during dinner (regular occurrence) then when he comes back he takes ages then complains it's cold and doesn't want it.

We were getting fed up and dinners were getting fractious (what I never wanted to happen) so in the end, we made a deal with him that we would never nag him or remind him to eat his tea, but once he left the table if we didn't think he'd eaten enough, he'd get nothing until bfast in the morning.

He agreed to this and it totally took the stress out of tea. Inside we'd still be thinking (eat more!) but we didn't mention it and on nights when he left most of it, he never asked for anything else, he accepted he'd need to wait until bfast. At this time we also stopped asking him what he wanted for tea (it was always macaroni) and we just dished up what we wanted, and some meals he's been fussy with, he's never even questioned, whereby when we were trying to get him involved in setting meals, he'd always say 'I don't like that' when we knew he did.

A few months in and I'm aware our 'reminders' for him to eat his tea have crept back in (although nowhere near as bad and dinners are still nice, but I need to keep an eye on it) and I've also resorted to loading his fork at teatimes, not ideal but not the end of the world, I won't be putting stuff on his fork when he's 18 and it's a compromise we're happy with.

We've always had mealtimes at tables though, I let DS eat his lunch once in front of the telly as a treat and it took him 90 minutes to eat his sandwiches! Never again!

Something that really worked with my dc (7&3) was to have a pot of pennies on the table, every time they used their fork they got 1p in their pot, if they used their knife and fork they got 2p, they were so keen to get the pennies that it took the focus off the food.

I was at the end of my tether with their fussiness, but this really worked, they both now eat much better and it also improved their table manners - win win!

My 5yr old DS is similar. He also does the "I've had enough now" eating a fraction on his plate and then asking for snacks all throughout the evening. We did BLW with the DCs, and never tried to get them to finish their food, but now we've had to start doing this with DS as he just leaves his dinner and he'd rather just snack through the evening. NOw we tell him that he needs to finish what's on his plate (I only dish him up a small amount, toddler sized) and if he's still hungry he can have yoghurt/cheese /fruit which is what he wants to snack on. Seems to work most of the time. He must try everything on his plate and he is allowed to leave whatever he definitely does not like, I don't force him to eat something that I know he definitely doesn't like (most veg), but he must taste it.
Dinner time is a fractious time in our house. DD is 3yrs and she's tired and won't sit at the table and I end up having to read her a book while she eats to keep her at the table, which also means that DS also wants to listen to the book too whilst he eats, and it's not really the family meal times that I was hoping for, and sometimes I give them some veg to eat in front of the TV while I cook dinner, takes the pressure off dinner times..they will happily eat the protein and carb with no fuss, but these are things I do to keep myself sane!
They are good sitter and eaters at lunchtimes and dinner times at weekends too, so I'm let it go during the week when they are tired from school/nursery.

oh and we all eat the same thing for dinner the majority of the time. yesterday was aubergine, spinach and chickpea curry and DS really liked it, finished his portion without any fuss, even though he said he didn't like aubergines.
I'm sure they'd sit and eat their favourite foods quite happily without any fuss if I serve that up everyday (pasta, rice, chicken, sausages, bread...), but I refuse to make 2 dinners and I want them to have more variety in their meals and getting used to different flavours, which does work in the long run I think, as DS used to be such a veg hater, but now he eats some, but ofcourse not all veg, but he is improving all the time.

I would really try to eat together at the table, even if it less convenient for you and DH. It's not just the eating of the food. IMO learning table manners is a must.
DH and I had terrible battles over DC1. He is from an 'eat everything even if you don't like it' family, I am from an 'if you don't like it don't eat it' family.
When DC3 started being fussy we agreed we would work together.
We decided to have a don't care approach. We served four meals a week we could almost guarantee he would eat and the other days we had whatever we fancied.
If he didn't eat it he still got whatever pudding I was going to be serving, sometimes nothing and that was it until the next day.
We have a set time to finish eating in and if he's not finished the food is taken away.
DH and I never nag or coax him to eat more or try anything.
If I serve something new I always serve bread and butter a side salad and a good pudding. I always 'forget' to put the bread on the table to give the DC a chance to try the new food before filling up on bread.
I don't over load his plate and often he serves himself. I try to involve all my DC in preparation, cooking and laying the table etc. Meal times are family time.
After a long slog DS3 is finally eating other foods again. I'm not saying this has been a stress free approach, there were times when I really felt he was starving, but it has been much less stressful for us all as a family, than the tears and arguing we had with DD.

It's tough. I can feel the frustration in your OP!

I see you "don't have a table any more". I realise DS eats better in front of the TV but, by not even having a table, you and your DP are not signalling all the normal things about food - it's importance, the sociability of a family meal etc Where and when do you and your DH eat? You cannot overestimate the influence of a good example.

Whilst your DH is saving money by eating a big lunch at work, why don't you get a table again and eat early with your DS. You will soon get used to it.

Incidentally, the list of foods that your DS WILL eat is not an immediate cause for health worries so cling on to that :-)

Also, if cooking and then throwing away food is dispiriting, keep the meal simple eg raw cucumber and carrots chopped up rather than fancy veg, fish fingers rather than something lovingly prepared just so that you are not so anxious and fraught when DS is eating (which he might just be picking up on and which is not much fun for you either)

I've found this book www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1408190745
really useful (sorry have no idea how to put in a link!) - it's called 'Getting the little Blighters to eat' - it was recommended on here. We've only been using it for a week, so we haven't seen any change in the variety of foods that DS1 is willing to eat yet, but mealtimes are a lot calmer and much less stressful. Our aim is to ensure that our DCs have a good relationship with food and hope that the fussiness will go over time and as he feels more in control. Good luck !

We don't have a table because I needed the table for a computer desk. I was using a laptop before, so could put it away at mealtimes but then needed a desktop for work. We were going to buy a desk but then because we weren't really using the table and we were short on money it got postponed. DH and I eat at our computers which sounds a bit grim Sometimes we'll watch a film or something together on the sofa instead.

I think desk needs to be pushed right back up the agenda again so we can get the table back, I'd like DS to have a place to do art and writing and stuff as well which at the moment he lies on the floor to do. He doesn't get homework yet so that isn't an issue but of course will be in the future.

Birgitz your link worked, thank you for the recommendation :)

I like the idea of going around the supermarket and trying new foods. We are in a foreign country so plenty of things DH and I have never tried either. I think I will also try the approach of setting out the rules beforehand and then being more hands off, that might help.

Oooh the book looks really good, and the "Keeping the little blighters busy" one - they can go after the table in the list

Really useful thread for me - been having issues on and off with 3yo. Think she's fairly normal actually, she just has a 5yo brother who pretty much eats anything (except cauliflower and cheese) so I think our view of what to expect from her is warped.

Had really bad behaviour at table for a while over Christmas/New Year and was getting stressed about that and her fussiness. I realised that we were more bothered about the behaviour than whether she eats or not (as she is a healthy weight and know she won't starve herself). Worked on behaviour and that is much better so now the stress has gone and I'm less stressed about food - and, lo and behold, that is getting better too :)

My ds isn't a fussy eater usually but he will sometimes say he doesn't like something that I know he does like eg ' I don't like a wrap with ham'
Strangely enough if I then make a Stormtrooper, or a dinosaur from a wrap and ham, he eats it all up! Usually after laughing that I've forgotten the dinosaur's spike.
Sometimes my creations are so rushed that he can't even tell what they're supposed to be without asking - but that just causes more laughter and he still eats.
I know it won't work for everyone but it definitely helps us when he's starting to feel fussy.

Is he at some kind of daycare where he is given food? How does he get on there? I do sympathise, my eldest two were an absolute nightmare about eating when they were pre school. I remember the kitchen staff would end up taking them into the kitchen at nursery and making them sandwiches, as one of my DD's just refused to eat anything they gave her at any meal time!

When they started school, the nursery advised me strongly to give them packed lunches but I was working long hours and also had a new born, so I couldn't face it. Amazingly, when they were "properly" hungry at school i.e. hadn't had snacks during the morning and had been running around for hours and learning - they ate all their school lunch. I couldn't have been more amazed.

So just to reassure you that they can and do grow out of this fussiness. The elder 2 will now eat pretty much anything. My youngest child isn't great at all about eating, but we set a timeline of when she was 5 she had to eat what the others did - even if she just ate a little bit of the bolognese and mainly ate pasta. She is getting better! Fingers crossed for you. It's hideous, it really is. I'm afraid I do think at that age that if they want to eat the same thing most of the time and it's reasonably healthy, then let them just eat it - calm down the stress and the worry - and then go back to it in 6 months. It sounds like you're both leading busy lives and that at the moment trying to expand his diet isn't really getting anyone anywhere. I would definitely avoid giving him crisps until he's eaten the sandwich though.

if you are looking for a computer desk have you tried freecycle? there have been a few offered in my area just this week. I know I have one I don't need and will be freecycling it once I've decluttered enough to reach it!