Feel so alone!! HELP!!

[Mummy93]

Hi everyone I'm looking for some help/advice anything really to make me feel better!
I have a 2 yr old boy and an almost 3 month old girl, live with my partner and been with him for 5 yrs. I always wanted to have kids, we had them young, we are both 20. We decided to have 2 kids close together and that was it, so then once they are older we won't be that old. I'm a SAHM as my partner works full time and supports us all. When it was just me and my boy at home things were ok, there were good and bad days as I'm sure is normal. We decided to have another once he reached the age of 1 and it happened very quickly. I had an emergency c section with my first and a planned one with my second. Since having my second things seemed to turn bad.... Being the age my boy is (2), he is a complete nightmare, he doesn't listen to a word you say, doesn't understand simple instructions or chooses not to understand. He cannot talk so his way of communicating with us is by standing there and screaming to get our attention which is driving me mad. Simple things like going out is hell! I have to chase him around the house and pin him down to get his coat on and get him into the pushchair so I choose not to bother going out and have isolated myself in the house for 10 hrs a day while my partner is at work. My little girl (3months) has been hard work since the days she was born, she is a very sicky baby and have changed her milk several times which doesn't seem to be helping. She cries constantly all day for no reason that I can understand. She doesn't sleep till 1am which I myself have to deal with her and then we are up again at 6am with our boy even though he won't go to bed till 10-11pm! We have recently brought a puppy which seems to be the worse decision ever! My little boy won't leave him alone which results in the dog play fighting and biting him and my toddler goes back for more everytime and won't listen when I say no, we have tried everything. The naughty step, sending him to bed, time out's he just won't listen he is covered in scratches and bruises through the dog and it doesn't bother him. I am going insane being at home all day almost every day during the week. When people come over I feel I have to put on a brave face and a fake smile to show everything is fine and my life is perfect and is far from it! I am scared to leave the house with them both fearing that if we are seen by other people when my toddler is having a tantrum that I'll be judged and show I'm not coping and a typical young mum- hence the reason I don't go out. I have told my partner about how I'm feeling and all he has to say is that I over exaggerate and I need to go out and other people won't think that, but that's all I think when I do leave the house. My partner doesn't help much during the time he is here as he is tired from work understandingly but he sees it that his job is harder than mine, and that he'd rather be at home and it's easy. He's never been on his own with the kids all day, and when he's left for an hour at most I find the house is a tip and our boy is doing things he's not allowed to and nothing is how it should be. I absolutely hate my life and dream of running away and never coming back! I love my children but at the same time I seem to feel as if I resent them for taking my life away and making my life hell! Does anyone else feel this way? Am I depressed? Do I need help? People offer to have them for a few hours or overnight but as soon as they come home it all starts again. I burst into tears almost everyday when my partner leaves for work for the fear of being alone all day. Me and my partner are constantly arguing, we very rarely have a conversation. We sit in the living room in silence unless one of us asks each other to do something for the children. Someone please help! Im seriously on the edge!

Have a and some

You do sound worn down, and that's no surprise. Nothing do with your age, but the fact you have two kids close in age and they are both at demanding stages in their development.

It will get easier. It will!

I have a similar age gap, and my youngest is now 18 months and it's starting to get better. I had many similar thoughts to what you have said in your post.

But, and this is important. My DH never pulled the "I'm more tired than you, so stop moaning" card. He was (and still is a rock of support) and understands that cuz we both made the kids then we both need to work hard to look after them. Yes, your DP is out earning the ££ but you SAHM means that you're working 24/7 and your body is still knackered from the birth.

He needs to re-assess, for the good of the whole family. You are not a machine, so my advice is to take time for yourself.

I was breastfeeding, so it took me a long time to be able to leave mine, but as you're FF then you can leave the kids with DP and go. Just go and sit at the end of your street if you need to, but just go.

It'll do you the world of good and might teach DP to not be so dismissive.

Do you have support from family/friends?

Any chance you can get him into nursery for a day or two, to give you some respite?

Get your boy to bed at 7 n try and save your sanity. If this means stopping any naps do it. It's really important for both of you.

I am sure that you would benefit from a Home Start volunteer, ask your HV or GP about the scheme.

My coping mechanism, no matter how hard is to get out everyday. Might be an hours prep for a 15 min session in the park but it will give you all some fresh air and your boy some stimulation. My DD gets cabin fever if we are in all day

You sound shattered. Understandably. Here, have a and

I have a two year old and am expecting no2 so I sympathise.

First of all, remember this too will pass. The baby will wean, the two yo will learn to communicate. You will get a rest. You really will.

In the meantime, you need help. First point of call should be your partner. Could he take them both to soft play every Saturday morning so that you can rest? Would he try looking after them for a day so he can see how exhausting it is?

Do you have Sure Start near you? Could you go there and open up to the staff? They may be able to organise Home Start or a nursery place for ds.

Do you have family near by who could help? Is there a council gym with creche where you could do a weekly yoga class or similar?

We have looked into getting him in a nursery but simply cannot afford it, he's not entitled to free hours until April 2015. We have family close by but they all work full time, my mum visits me once a week for an hour or so but that's all really. Other family members come round for events such as birthdays or if they are free but only about once a month maybe. We do not drive so me going to visit them would be hard as its an hours bus journey as needing 2 buses or a 45 minute walk to which our toddler misbehaves and there houses aren't exactly child proof so is a nightmare if we visit them. I'm not sure if we have a sure start. My partner was considering going to the father & kid group every other Saturday but he works every other Saturday and 1 in 4 Sundays which happens to fall when he's working. Don't know if we have a council gym. We are in peterborough.

Maybe a cheap double buggy 2nd hand off eBay? Easier to get out then?

HomeStart website is here you can contact them yourself.

There are free nursery places for two year olds but you need to be referred for them. Your health visitor or sure start would be able to help.

He might be too young but have you tried reward charts for ds? Mine would do a lot for a sticker! Shoes on = sticker, coat on = sticker, into pushchair without moaning = sticker, etc. If he does all that, small reward when you're out?

You will have a sure start centre, ask your health visitor.
I'm an old hand (5 kids) but I've really struggled with my last one who is now nearly two.
She's a whiner and need constant attention and won't let me do anything for her so really hard work.
I work two days but in the days off I do a toddler group or activity every day. I find that fitting in lunch, a nap a bit if play and tv will get through the day.
It also tires her out so she sleeps well.
Library's often have sing times and are nice places to hang out with kids.
Don't be so tough on yourself, it's bloody hard work.

No he doesn't really understand reward charts we've tried it with potty training and neither were a success. We have a double pushchair so I can go out I just prefer to stay in as going out is a accident waiting to happen. We've tried him on reins and he refuses to walk he just sits and screams and if ask him to walk beside you he doesn't listen and just runs off.

We have tried putting him to bed at 7-8pm and he just screams for an hour and will wake up at 4- 5am and won't go back to sleep.

Sure start is your first port of call.
They can help you. Do it tomorrow.
Or even now. Easy to find on google and find out when you can go.

I really sympathise. As I say, I just have the 2.5yo at the moment and sometimes feel overwhelmed. I think you should dedicate tomorrow to finding help. Google your local sure start, phone your health visitor. Tell them you're struggling and ask them to point you towards help.

It's probably frowned upon, but chocolate buttons for ds? Every mention I made of 'sticker' earlier, replace with 'chocolate button'? A very wise man I know did this with his second and it worked a treat.

Oh, and have you tried your local church play group? Whether you're religious or not they tend to be supportive places.

If it helps, I'm 27 & in the same boat! Nothing to do with being a young mum, just being a mum to 2 little ones!

Are there any toddler groups you can go to? I've yet to meet a mum with a toddler who doesn't understand when you're just standing there staring in horror as your child has a full blown, writhing on the floor tantrum! It'd do you all good to just get out. Maybe even just to a field with a ball or something. Somewhere your DS can run around. Mine loves just running at birds. He usually comes back... eventually! When he doesn't he's not too hard to catch!

FWIW, I do have depression & a lot of what you've said sounds very familiar. Might be worth having a chat with a GP or health visitor. I have 2 days during the week where I get out to an arranged group but most of the rest of the time I just stay in too. It's not ideal & it's not easy but I find it really draining to be out all the time. We muddle along alright & we'll get up to the park or just out in the garden when I have the energy.

DS2 is now 7 months & things seem to be getting better. FX it won't be too much longer until you're feeling brighter too!

Have you tried a sling for the baby? Lots of clingy babies settle well in them - if you do a bit of research on Facebook etc you can probably find a sling library near you where you can try some out for free. And if she's very sicky and unsettled it might be worth getting her checked out for reflux as there's medication that can really help.

As for the 2 year old, the chasing round the house to get a coat on and the like sounds horribly familiar and I'm afraid the only cure for it with my DS was time - not that much time though, he's 3 now and soooo much more reasonable!

Definitely try and get yourself to a sure start centre, there will be some stay and play type sessions that you can take both of them along to and the staff are usually lovely and happy to hold baby while you pop to the loo or whatever which in itself is a godsend! Some of them even do baby sessions like massage with a free crèche for older siblings.

Above all else, be kind to yourself, it's bloody hard work with a toddler and a newborn and you are obviously a lovely caring mum, it will get easier.

My DS was like this all last year. He is three in a but and it was like something clicked and he is now so much better behaved.

Twos are bloody hard, it will improve.

Also, if I were you I would try and rehome the puppy, it's just too much with everything else you've got going on and it would be the kindest thing all round.

Life with a toddler and young baby is really tough, you are exhausted and worn down, no wonder you are struggling.

I have a 4.5 year old, a 23 month old and a newborn, it is not easy.

I think you need to lighten your load a bit. Firstly please re-home the puppy, the situation is not fair on the puppy or you at the moment.

Secondly 2 year olds do scream, have embarrassing meltdowns in public places and refuse to walk. It is not you, it is a phase. Playgroups and other parents have seen it all before, so do not worry about taking him out. I know it is not easy to do the coat-chase and one handed buggy shove and clip-in, but getting out will help. My toddler goes a bit stir crazy if we stay in too much, but if I take her out she gets tired which leads to better napping and better sleeping at night.

Your baby being very sicky and crying a lot might indicate silent reflux. Talk to your Health visitor or GP. I find I sling invaluable as a way of keeping baby calm whilst I deal with my toddler.

Take your DH up on his offer to take them out on the weekends he is not working, just that little bit of me time can work wonders.

Sleep deprivation can make you feel awful, try to get your baby's cycle more in line with yours by always putting her into a darkened room after 8pm and only going in to feed or change her in dim lighting. In the day bring her into the main living area where it is noisy and take her outside to get some exposure to daylight.

Talk to your GP, there are anti-depressants they can prescribe to help you.

Above all remember the mantra "this too shall pass"

I would try and rehome the puppy, it is a huge extra that you don't need at the moment and it would be kinder to the puppy.

Op if I spent a single day at home with my 2 year

Sorry - meant to say - if I spent a single day in te house all day with my 2 year old I would be in tears I boredom and madness! You really really have to get out once each day - he will be in a better mood for it as will you - he needs fresh air and sunlight to help him sleep. You may find that his bedtime improves if he spends every morning out for a couple of hours

Set yourself small targets - work on the assumption it will take an hour to get ready. Bribe him into the buggy with a packet of raisins or chocolate buttons or whatever it takes

Make a list of places to go - start with park and a football - find your local toddler groups - church ones are good as they have a lot of space - then the local childrens centre - tell the staff you are struggling they can help

Absolutely nobody at a playgroup or park will
Judge you for a boisterous toddler - it's not good for your son or you or even the baby to be indoors all day - it's no wonder you feel awful

Also - really importantly - your husband has got to step up - your anxiety at leaving the house sounds very severe - could you have post natal depression?

You need to go to bed at 8 or 9 an after that your partner deals with the baby - the toddler really has to start an earlier bedtime - work backwards slowly from his current time and make sure he gets fresh air

My partner shares all childcare and housework when not working - you need a serious conversation where he understands you are not coping

Can you tell your mum you need More support? Could she take the toddler to a playgroup or the park once a week?

If you can't afford nursery could you find a local woman who might come and help at teatime once a week? Or a day a week with a childminder ?

He needs the company of other children - you will find his behaviour improves if you start getting out.

Also - you need to tell the friends who are coming to visit - tell them that you are finding it difficult to get out if the house with both children and get their help in getting to the park.

I would love to help any friend who asked me that.

I think you will find that the more you te out the easier the rest of the day will be. Out in morning, home for lunch then nap or DVD for toddler while you out your feet up

Personally I have to have something to do in the afternoon too - even just a walk to library or park if we didn't do that in the morning. It will be staying lighter longer soon. Again - this will help with getting them both to bed earlier

Studies have shown that children sleep better if they are outdoors and get light: fresh air in the afternoon

Re your partner - can he take a day off work holiday to give you a break ?

I can't stay in either. The rare occasions I have I end up feeling desperate by the end of the day.

I've just had surgery so am stuck at home but I still arrange something to do each day using other people to help.

Staying at home is not an option.

You're son will not learn to behave in public if you don't take him out.

Share with your dp how awful you are feeling.

Have you found a sure start centre?

If you pm me your post code I will find out for you and let you know what they can offer.