Please help me claw this relationship back...

[AngelsInWinter]

I couldn't wait to have my baby boy in 2008 but things were very strained from the start. His "father" has never been interested, my parents threw me out, the birth was very traumatic, I was young and immature and struggled to bond. I've since had two DDs with my now fiancé and I love them to bits so I KNOW I don't feel enough for DS.

Now he's 5 and we really don't get on. He puts a downer on things, is only happy when he's getting something, and is over emotional and sensitive. Will say things like "I want to go to my bed and be sad" to get attention. A 5 yr old shouldn't be saying this :(

I will admit, I rarely spend time doing things with him and I don't enjoy his company. And trust me, I hate myself for this. I'm in tears now because I think it's too late. Please, can someone help me sort this with my son?

I'm no expert, but I'd say that 5 year old is nowhere near too late to build a relationship with your son - forgive yourself for your past and get ready to work on the future.

In a word I'd say the one thing you can do to put this right is give him time. Start slotting in some quality 1:1 time with him, doing things that he likes (even if you hate them and you find it dull). You need to commit to it, even if the first few attempts are crap and both of you end up pissed off. When the family are playing games, try and be on his team (e.g. kicking a ball round the back garden, you and him against others).

In short, try to do all the things you're probably finding easy to do with your daughters.

FWIW, I don't think 'going to be by myself to be sad' is necessarily inappropriate for a 5 year old to be saying. My son just turned 4, is well loved (and knows it!) and is a happy soul, but right now he is also trying out the emotional levers to see what works, wouldn't surprise me to hear him saying those exact same words when he is 5...

Good luck, I think it's just time and comittment and consistency (e.g. don't 'try' for a week, then go back to normal, this has to be a permanent change if you want permanent results).

Oh, thank you! What a lovely reply... Thought I'd get destroyed.

I really want to do the whole 1:1 thing, and maybe revolve it around things that don't result in him being bought anything, ie playing football instead of McDonalds.

But then I realised that my DP works away loads, even at weekends, so when would I be able to do this? I can't really leave the girls to their own devices as they're 2 and 1. Their grandma isn't very likely to take them (once in a blue moon!). Any ideas?

Thanks x

I assume he goes to bed later than the other 2, so how about some quality time then? Blanket, dvd, make it seem really special and just for you two.

Bedtime and nap times seem obvious to me. Try reading him a story every evening (which you would do for school anyway?)

What about asking him about his day when he gets home from school?

Get him to help you with dinner eg putting cutlery out etc? and praise him for helping.

Basically small things which mean you are giving him time and attention on a daily basis.

He's probably sad because he can sense his mum doesn't really like him, poor thing :(

How does he 'always put a downer on things' ?

Maybe watch his favourite cartoon and buy the comic to go with it, use it as a special you and him time, get involved with the characters, the different names, colours, super powers etc or whatever the theme is, and really go for it with enthusiasm and love, maybe a small thing will lead to bigger things.

Don't feel down you have admitted some fears and are wanting to change them, well done you x

My 5 year old is ALWAYS asking to be bought something. It does annoy me, but I think it's fairly normal Tbh.

Do you read to him? That's a lovely way to spend time together and not too boring for you as well.

He only goes to bed about 10 mins later than the others, I'm knackered by that time! But we usually read (yes he has to for school) and sometimes I'll buy him a magazine about whichever character he loves and we'll do the activities together.

Yes he probably knows, my mum hated me and its affected my life to this day, hence why I want to get this sorted. But thanks for that :(

Downer = if I'm talking to his sister about something, he'll butt in and start arguing with whatever we're talking about. It's hard to describe. I ALWAYS ask him about his day and what he's done at school but he never tells me. He's quite young for his age really, and the youngest in his year.

It's not just the asking toe bought something, it's just that he can be rude to me, or having one of his miserable moments, and then if him getting something is mentioned his mood will flip and he'll be instantly pleased.

Also he helps me with alsorts - possibly too much, I don't know. But a lot of the jobs he enjoys I guess.

I suspect that your ds reminds you of your ex which doesn't help.
He sounds like a typical 5 year old tbh.

Do you cuddle him? When the youngest are asleep, tuck him into bed and ask him what he liked about his day. Give him a kiss and tell him you love him.

I mean this with real kindness - he's just a little boy, he doesn't know how to make this relationship right with his mummy. He's just doing anything to try and get with you what you have with his sisters.

I would really truly recommend Playful Parenting - it's an amazing book and an amazingly gentle, fun way to teach yourself and your little boy how to begin communicating again, using play. www.playfulparenting.com/

I also once saw someone on here recommend "love bombing' - www.lovebombing.info/index.php/about-the-book/more-from-the-book

Both of these books and approaches seem like they would help you both. It's not just your little boy...but you too. You both need to learn to show your love to each other. It's SO more than doable but he doesn't know how or how to learn how...but you do and you can do it. It won't happen over night but you will find your way to back to a loving, nurturing, bonded relationship with your little boy

Argh - sorry, didn't convert links!

Love bombing - www.lovebombing.info/index.php/about-the-book/more-from-the-book

Playful Parenting - www.playfulparenting.com/

I'm very ashamed to say that when he tries to cuddle and kiss me I often make excuses. But then I can be like this with DP. I'm NOT natural with affection as I was never shown it. But I always tuck him up and kiss him on the head and say "love you". Wouldn't put him to bed without saying that no matter what had happened in the day.

He does look a lot like my ex.

Thank you, Zebra... The tears have started again. I will have a look at those links when I get into bed. Would be amazing to be able to fix this!

I swore this would never happen because of my childhood, and now it has I feel so guilty

What about when your DDs cuddle you? Can you try family cuddles as a start? Ie you, your DDs and ds cuddle altogether?

Try not to make excuses not to cuddle and kiss him. Cuddling 5 year olds is one of life's greatest pleasures. Just go with it

Awww, have a good cry. It's OK. It's so fixable. It might be hard work - I can imagine he might push away a lot of your attempts. But more than anything in the world, he wants your love and attention - don't we all just want that?

Honestly, the links I posted - they are very gentle and very reassuring and loving and compassionate. They're solely about nurturing bonds and re-connecting. Playful Parenting uses the analogy of an empty or full cup (excerpt):

"The Roots of Healthy Self-worth: Filling the Love Cup
Just as children have a cup to store their unreleased hurts, they have an emotional fuel tank or love cup. A child's love cup holds their emotional fuel. Their emotional fuel is the attention, connection, and nurturing they receive from the people they love.

Meeting children's emotional need for connection by filling their love cup is as important as meeting their physical need for food. Spending time filling a child's love cup is proactive parenting. Just as children get cranky when they get hungry, they get cranky when their love cup gets low on emotional fuel. Most difficult behaviors are either the release of emotional pain - a hurts-cup spillover or a communication signalling lack of connection - an empty love cup.

Filling the Love Cup with "High" Quality Time

In today's culture, we talk about spending quality time with children. We know that children need attention, but attention is not the same as connection. We can pay attention to children and still not connect with them emotionally. Children need high quality time to meet their minimum daily requirement for connection. We provide high quality time by engaging with children."

I love this book so much. We all need this

I am admittedly much more cuddly with DDs BUT I was with DS when he was a baby. I think I've learnt to be very good at the baby stage - I kiss and cuddle them, teach them things, I've breastfed them all for around a year and got them into good routines. But I've no experience of looking after "children" as such and obviously as DS is the oldest this is my first attempt at it and I'm finding it tough!

Family cuddles is a good idea, thank you. I've just got a sofa for their playroom, so we could all cuddle up on there without me worrying about snot and dribble on our living room sofa :)

It doesn't matter how old you are, touch makes us feel safe and loved. Hug him even if you don't feel like it.

It's not too late for either of you.
It's very easy to replicate the mistakes your own parents made, because to a large extent that is the model you have for parenting - but being aware of the failings of that put you ahead of the game.
Another proverb (sort of) is 'fake it til you make it'. Even if you struggle with feeling it, make some time to spend exclusively with your son and give him love until you find it easier. Good luck!

I will try so hard to stop the pathetic excuses. It's like there's this huge barrier between us.

Love the food/love analogy; never thought of it like that. Thank you. And yes, it's so easy to be in the playroom or whatever with them, but actually be on the iPad or daydreaming...!

I think when you look at him you're seeing your ex and all those feelings are coming back. You're associating the little boy with sadness and a time in your life when you weren't happy. This isn't your fault, but it's not his either. My own boy can be quite negative at times but he's 9 now and I've learned to try and pre-empt things like that - it took me a while to get to know him, which sounds daft. We're not all natural parents, it takes time to get used to it and I really feel for you both in this situation. Even if it makes your skin crawl, please work on the hugs and cuddles. The last thing you want to do is rear someone who thinks hugs and cuddles are wrong or upsetting. It's definitely, definitely not too late. Just maybe let him stay up an extra 15 minutes and ask him to chat about something he likes - listen to him, smile, agree, and send him off to bed happy that his Mam has paid an interest in what he likes. Don't pass much remarks on the "putting a downer on things" side - that's an attention thing and will pass with age. Maybe next time he does it, invite him into the conversation and ask him what he thinks.

A huge thing for my boy was that he often told me he felt like nobody ever listened to him. Even if it's just five minutes a day, if he comes to chat to you, stop whatever else you're doing, try not to think of your ex when you look at him and instead look at the beautiful boy you made. He's your son, you're the only person in the world he'll call Mum. Just make him feel like he's being listened to - even if, like my lad, he's rambling on about something and you haven't a clue what he's talking about. Just smile and tell him he's clever and he's great. Lots of encouragement and ignore the "I want" - that's standard fare at that age anyway x

Don't give up x

Right, tomorrow I'm forcing myself to toddler group - hate those too! But my 2 year old loves it, and we hadn't been for a while.

Then after that, I'm going to buy a football, nothing fancy, just a football that will be all DS's. And I will promise to kick around with him at the weekend even if it's freezing

I think I expect too much sometimes... Like I'm very hurt if I do something special for him and he's not really that bothered. Probably totally normal for a 5 year old, but I am clueless on 5 year olds!

I'm clueless too. However my 4 year old boy is wonderful. He drives me mad at times, he's physical and fights and breaks stuff. But one of the best thing is giving him a squeeze.
My mum wasnt affectionate at all. However I give ds (and dd who's 2) loads of cuddles - partly to counteract my childhood and partly because it's nice.

I have to remind myself to do it sometimes - sometimes when I come home from work I don't give a cuddle straight away but the cuddles are important. It's nice.

angel sorry for missing the thread (kids always get in the way ) - just caught up and so pleased to see you're already feeling better about this and have a few things to try out.

Reading through the threads and the additional info you've added about your boy, I'd say that he sounds pretty keen to have time with his mummy (which is great) and as others have said his 'negative' behaviour is pretty par for the course for his age just now and is more a reflection of him trying to work out how to get what he wants, rather than an indication of his personality (DS1 is currently going through a 'cutting off his nose to spite his face' phase, rejecting things then having a melt down if you agree to his suggestion that he doesn't want them, as well as calling me and DH bossy, silly and grumpy on a regular basis...)

And it is hard trying to give 1:1 time when you have three kids - I'm lucky in that DS1 is 4, so he's only at nursery in the mornings so we have a deal whereby when DS2 goes for a nap - I play with him at whatever he wants, but with your little boy at school all day, you won't have that option.

I would say though that I sometimes have bad days where DS2 has been particularly demanding (he's 7 months and teething) and doesn't nap and I've not been able to spend time with DS1 and he's watched more telly than he should, and he gets grumpy and I can see his emotions start to overflow because he's not had that connection, and on those days, even if I manage 10-15 minutes with him at the quality stuff (playing lego, sword fencing as pirates, playing with his superhero figures etc) it restores his balance and changes his whole view of the day and he's happy when his dad gets in and tells him how great his day has been (seriously - even with only 10 minutes late on in the day)

Little snatches of time can work wonders and reap more benefits than you can imagine.

Good luck with the footie (I've also played in the dark and rain in the garden - he loved it, me not so much...) and your local toddlers group (I also put off going!)