Husband very impatient with 11 wk old

[Smerlin]

I really need some advice on how to deal with my husband. He is terribly impatient with our 11 week old and has been since shortly after her birth.

She is our first child and very challenging/fussy. Won't sleep without having a howling fit first, doesn't like going to different places like a cafe, generally anything that a lot of other babies like such as sling, pram etc, she either hates or only tolerates for a very short time. She is hyper alert and becomes overstimulated very easily. She also has reflux.

It's really not how I imagined maternity leave as I can't really do mum and baby activities as she'll shriek but I'm managing and she's such a charismatic and adorable little thing when she's awake and not tired.

However my main issue is that OH loses his temper when she cries 'for no reason.' If she is crying with tiredness, fussing on the bottle etc he gets really cross and grits his teeth, talks sharply to her, moans about her, has told her to shut up etc. I've tried to get him to stop but to no avail.

I'm now worried about leaving her with him as he can't seem to cope with her crying. To be fair to him, she does cry a lot more than most other babies I know but that is the baby we have and he just has to accept that.

How can I get through to him that raging at her is unacceptable?

Maybe ask your HV to discuss it with him? I know it can be difficult when babies are crying but really - he's the adult, she can't help it but he can!

Do you think he might be more worried about being a dad than he has said? Can you talk to him about how your lives have changed since the birth?

She's only 11 weeks old - a lot of what you describe is absolutely par for the course for such a young baby so for starters, your husband needs to understand that. Babies cry, it's their main means of communication and always means they want something, even if just a cuddle or to fall asleep. As the adults we have to help them with that, not moan at them for it.

I agree with ExBrightonBell that asking your health visitor to speak to him might help. Alternatively does he have a good relationship with his mother such that you could enlist her help?

I think he really needs to understand and accept that babies cry. The seemingly illogical crying has increased a lot more as DS has got older so ultimately, your DH needs to accept this is his child's only form of communication. She has no language skills, no cognitive skills to communicate non-verbally right now...she can only cry, it is in her biological makeup - an evolutionary skill - to cry as a form of survival.

He needs to start getting that, and fast. It's harder to get through to men, sometimes, on this I think because ultimately I think the frustration comes down feeling a bit helpless in the face of a crying baby that seemingly won't be consoled. Most anger is about helplessness in some way, it seems. If he can accept and be ok with the idea that most of us feel helpless when dealing with a crying baby, he might not feel so frustrated.

If he is open to it, there's several books you could suggest - really understanding that this is baby with no motivation other than instantly needing comfort of some description. A truly helpless being that has only one communication skill in its arsenal. They have zero manipulation skills, zero will or consciousness about getting their own way...just very basic survival skills which centre around their mummy and daddy being there for them.

My DH is a bit rubbish with babies. Great as they get older but doesn't see half the stuff that needs doing and tends to hand them back if they cry for long.

But, he HAS NEVER lost it/yelled at them or told them to shut up at 11 WEEKS OLD.

If he had, more than once, without mitigating circumstance (recent bereavement or something major), I'd have packed his bags for him.

If he's losing it now what on earth will he be like in the toddler years?

Well done for coping yourself OP. My first was a crier so I know how hard it is. But honestly, I'd get very very tough with him. HV input, anger management, hand her back if not coping, but zero tolerance of anger directed at a tiny baby.

Am fuming on your behalf.

Oh and I think you're right to be worried about leaving her with him. I wouldn't until he accepts he needs help.

My DD was a crier, and at a few weeks old, when she was screaming, her dad shouted at her to "shut the fuck up".

I left him.

Again, it's what babies do, and yes it can be frustrating but goodness me, to treat a baby that way is completely unacceptable. Parents are supposed to comfort their children, to help them, to have patience with them.

Behaviour like this can lead to baby shaking and such things, so you need to talk to him and make him understand that your DD is not crying to wind either of you up, she's a baby, and that he needs to stop being selfish and think of her needs, not his own frustration.

I hope it gets sorted OP.

He's a very intelligent man so it's not as if he doesn't understand that she cries to communicate etc as he's read all the books with me. It's more that when he's in the middle of dealing with it, all that goes out the window and he gets wound up and can't seem to take a step back and deal with it rationally

I did ask the MIL to speak to him- not sure if she did so could ask again. Have only ever seen HV once so don't feel I can speak to her. He just thinks I'm overreacting and trying to make sure everything is done my way rather than trusting him to parent her as he is besotted with her when she's not crying. The thing is, how can I trust him when what I see is so negative.

Do you have any other friends in your circle who have young kids where the dad could maybe have a chat to him? Maybe casually ask them if they could share their experiences of babies at this age? He'll probably find that actually most (if not all) babies are like that at this age and if he has another bloke telling him how they coped with it, it could help? Might be a bit easier than asking a HV visitor to do it (who a lot of people consider to be preaching NHS guidelines rather than real life advice).

I would definitely ask his DM to have a chat with him about this, perhaps trying to get across that his reactions are not normal, and that it is not ok.

Even if you haven't seen the HV often you can ask for support. Maybe contact them and ask them to come and see you/have an appointment. Explain the issue and ask them what they suggest. You will then have back up from a health care professional. If you think about it, often we don't have relationships with HCPs before we need their help eg at a&e, a new GP etc. You need some support, so use the HVs as that's what they are there for.

Also, if his reactions are "in the moment" maybe he has anger issues? What's his temper like normally? Maybe the HV can suggest some parenting classes he/both of you could go on?

Congratulations on the arrival of your dd. .

I have been there with a hyper alert, highly strung, crier of a baby and now 6 months down the line he is a lot more relaxed and enjoys being out and about. He still startles easily and cries if an emergency vehicle with sirens goes by but I promise it gets easier.

I get wound up by his crying still and I know this is recycled advice but leaving them somewhere safe and removing yourself ( in your case dh's self) from the situation for ten minutes still works wonders.

I am concerned that your DH has talked sharply at her and I think do not leave them alone till he addresses his issues. I think he needs to hear that this is not acceptable from other people, as I know you have tried to do.

Good luck

I think you are very right to be cautious and of he can't see that, that is worrying in itself. It's not on for him to be having these kind of outbursts at the baby. Yes every parent gets stressed and to the end of their tether and it's common to find yourself shouting or crying at a baby who will not stop crying, but these tend to be total one offs which shock you into saying, shit, I really need to cope with this better. It's a proper put the baby somewhere safe and run to the bottom of the garden moment - NOT something which should be happening regularly. And he should be concerned about his own behaviour.

Just want to add some balance here.

My husband is a good daddy and loves our DCs (2 and 4 months). But at the beginning of our second babies life he didn't have a lot of patience with the crying and screaming and said "for fucks sake" at the stress of the situation I guess.

It's unacceptable to shout it directly at baby, but my DH sort of said it into the air. And has done since a couple of times. I hate that he does it, but he hasn't said it to her. It's just been a stressful moment. God I'm now wondering if my DH is a rotter.

I think that the OP is saying that it happens more often than not, and is a constant thing rather than the odd one off when highly stressed/tired. Everyone can get to that point occasionally, but it shouldn't be a common occurrence to the level that the OP herself is worried about leaving her DD alone with him.

I'm a mum of a four month old
We've had reflux, colic, tongue tie feeding problems, and she always wants to feed during the school run

With the exception of the last, the rest have improved or disappeared thank god.
I regularly uttered the words for fucks sake and probably rather loudly I was exhausted and no one else would care for her while I just had a shower or cuppa.
Never shouted at her or anything though, and regularly had to go elsewhere after making sure she was safe, to regroup and chill.
I knew she was in pain with the reflux and it made me angry that she had to suffer iyswim? And the fact I kept getting fobbed off about it or so it seemed.
It seems to never stop and drag on for ever, eh.
Definitely get him to have a word with hv or someone but support him and point out regularly that she's just a baby, sometimes we need reminding gently, or a reality check, fwiw when I said FFs it was because I felt Sooo tired, didn't aim it at dd, didn't feel angry towards her except for one time which I felt terrible about ( I took her out of the buggy a but more roughly than normal ) I spoke to someone immediately at SureStart and that helped so much.
Remind him it won't last forever. Don't forget men can get PND too
Support each other.
An if you feel unsafe leaving her with him, you can
Helicopter mum
LTB
Or do it all yourself

Think that's about covered it, tho dd is 4 m now and all that's behind us so it's really not all that long in the grand scheme of things, hard to remember through the fog of tiredness at four am tho

Tut I never read properly
It sounds like it happens a lot then not just when he's tired, I'm betting you're coping with it and not threatening her (even though you're probably at your wits end too?)

Ooo as an aside have you tried swaddling? Dd's startle reflex used to make me put her in bed like Indiana jones trying to swap that relic thing for a bag of sand

Swaddling helped, may be worth a try?

The problem isn't the baby. What you are describing is normal baby behaviour.

Your problem as you rightly point out is your H.

He needs to stop taking the baby crying so personally.
The baby isn't rejecting him or his efforts.
The baby is crying because that's what babies do.
The baby isn't a toy and she isn't an extension of his personality or some creature sprung to life from his imagination.
The baby is a completely separate human being with very limited communication skills.

However, if he doesn't get this, OP, you need to tell him if he does it again he must leave and to go and stay with his mother for a while because this sort of problem can lead to catastrophe for the baby and it can also drive a wedge between you and him.

Talk to your MIL. Do not be fobbed off by advice from her as to what you should do about the baby. Tell her you want her to talk to your H about his behaviour because that is what the problem is.

You need to call your HV again and have her talk to the H too. Tell her exactly what has been going on and remind her the problem is the H.

From your report of the conversation you had with him it seems to me he is feeling out of his depth and that things are out of his control. The impulse to control is not a good thing. Saying you are overreacting shows he isn't willing to see things your way or change. You are not over reacting. He has turned this into a power struggle between the two of you. Nobody can win this struggle. Your instinct to protect your baby from an angry adult is perfectly appropriate.

My exH started out like this, and it didn't end well. He never grew up, never accepted that babies would cry 'for no reason', always had some implied criticism of me when I went about just dealing with it all, and he went on to be an impatient and frightening father to them all when they were toddlers too. I couldn't leave any of them with him. I became isolated because of that -- couldn't go out and enjoy time with my friends or even go shopping at the weekend.

And do not leave her with him.

I think most if the posts seem to be from mums who are very calm and utter saints.
You left your dh when he told the baby to shut the fuck up?
Really? Wtf!!
I did similar. My dh didn't leave me.
I had diabetic hypos, a ds1 who was later diagnosed as autistic, an infected Cs scar, tongue tied ds2 who screamed on and off for about, on average 4-6 hours , every night between 7pm and 7am. Not just screamed I mean really screamed.
I collapsed. I begged for help from GPS and hv's.
If you read mn threads. Loads and loads of people have done this. Said harsh words in tiredness or frustration.
Ltb? Are you serious?
Cut your dh some slack. Talk to him. Educate him. Is he a fixer? Likes to solve things, but can't solve a crying baby? Lots if men find that hard.
It is obviously not ok for him to talk to her like that. But tell him so and offer some suggestions.

yes i'm afraid that i too would not be tolerating this. an adult shouting and snapping at a tiny baby would not be around that baby i'm afraid.

if this is out of character behaviour then i'd suggest he see his gp and extreme irritability and inability to tolerate stress/sound/etc can be a symptom of depression etc.

oblomov do you really think someone needs educating that it's unacceptable to rage at a baby?

Oblomov, I was just thinking the same thing. I definitely shouted at my twins when they were small babies, the two of them would kick off at the same time and I could feel my blood pressure rising. Patience is like a muscle, it grows when you use it, and when my girls arrived I had not learned any patience at all yet. Nowadays (20 months) one of them will fall over just as the other one is having a tantrum and I'll just grit my teeth and sort it, but even now I find it incredibly difficult to deal with when I don't know why they're crying, and that's pretty much always how it is with a baby under 3 months, isn't it?

The guy needs to learn to bite his tongue but he needs time to learn it, and luckily, tiny babies don't really pick anything more complicated than whether you're there and giving them a cuddle or not.

OP i'd be interested to hear how he treats you in general. also how he tends to handle it if you are upset or ill or need support.

i suspect this behaviour is unlikely to exist in a vacuum from the rest of his behaviour and relationships - eg. empathy, compassion and patience are needed in a lot of areas, i doubt he only has trouble using these tools with a helpless infant.

developmental psychology would beg to differ toomuch. the first year is the absolute bedrock of our sense of security, safety and worthiness of love in the world.

She has told him all of that Oblomov, and he has responded that she is overreacting. This response of his is constant when she cries and he has refused to accept his wife's feelings on his behaviour.
'my main issue is that OH loses his temper when she cries 'for no reason.' If she is crying with tiredness, fussing on the bottle etc he gets really cross and grits his teeth, talks sharply to her, moans about her, has told her to shut up etc. I've tried to get him to stop but to no avail.'

I think people should credit a woman with some sense of what is understandable and what is veering into more frightening territory, and I think it is a pity to question a poster who said she left a husband over this sort of display of temper.

I agree with Numpty's posts and was wondering the same myself.

Have any if you ever read any if the mn threads of mn'ers struggling with tiny babies?
I struggled. I was a very patient person before children. I have huge empathy, compassion and enjoy looking after dh when he is unwell

So a lot if what is written doesn't apply to me.

I think this thread is very unbalanced.
None of you ever been pushed to the edge? None of you ever shouted? Ok. Good for you.
I did. Not proud. But it's not a crime.
Let's get some perspective here.
I'm not saying it's ok. I just think LTB is ridiculous.