Husband very impatient with 11 wk old

[Smerlin]

I really need some advice on how to deal with my husband. He is terribly impatient with our 11 week old and has been since shortly after her birth.

She is our first child and very challenging/fussy. Won't sleep without having a howling fit first, doesn't like going to different places like a cafe, generally anything that a lot of other babies like such as sling, pram etc, she either hates or only tolerates for a very short time. She is hyper alert and becomes overstimulated very easily. She also has reflux.

It's really not how I imagined maternity leave as I can't really do mum and baby activities as she'll shriek but I'm managing and she's such a charismatic and adorable little thing when she's awake and not tired.

However my main issue is that OH loses his temper when she cries 'for no reason.' If she is crying with tiredness, fussing on the bottle etc he gets really cross and grits his teeth, talks sharply to her, moans about her, has told her to shut up etc. I've tried to get him to stop but to no avail.

I'm now worried about leaving her with him as he can't seem to cope with her crying. To be fair to him, she does cry a lot more than most other babies I know but that is the baby we have and he just has to accept that.

How can I get through to him that raging at her is unacceptable?

exactly math - and if a woman was on here confessing this was how she was treating and feeling about her baby whilst people may be sympathetic they would all be telling her that she needed to see a gp, get help etc.

i do not believe someone who is lovely, empathetic, patient and considerate with others suddenly turns into a nasty bully with a helpless infant. the same personality traits will show up elsewhere.

oblomov - he is doing it consistently if you read the OP. it's not a pushed to the edge rarity but every time the baby is crying.

And as for patience being a muscle -- yes it grows if you use it, but the OP has not reported any willingness on the part of her OH to use it, or any examples of him using it when the baby cries.

There is a very clear line separating not knowing how to deal with crying and disruption and allowing yourself to 'get really cross and grit your teeth, talk sharply to her, moan about her, tell her to shut up'.

A lot of babies have come to grief at the hands of men like this OH.

a lot of women too. hope the OP is ok.

at 11 weeks in, with a challenging baby and all the usual hardness of being the carer for a newborn and recovering from the birth she should be getting support from her partner now and a decent helping hand not being forced into further anxiety and stress by this behaviour.

i can understand challenging the idea of mothers having to be perfect or saintly in their patience but i don't get defending a man who isn't even the full time carer acting like an immature dick and bully rather than supporting his partner.

I am no saint and I have had plenty of opportunity to get really frustrated with 5 DCs. People who react by raging at a baby have given themselves permission to cross a very clear line for a lot of unworthy reasons.

I do not have sympathy with people who give themselves permission to cross that line. Adults have to take responsibility for their choices.

I have seen at close quarters what happens when the line is crossed, and it is ugly.

Oblomov - Yes, I did leave him, because the situation called for it.

He was holding DD at the time and it scared me. It scared her, too. I'm not the type of person who will allow that kind of behaviour, and you don't know my situation back then. It was one of many things he'd done to prove he was a terrible father, and a terrible partner too.

Having a baby brought it all out, and it was the best decision I've ever made to get him out of our lives.
I wasn't going to sit around and see what happened next, because it could have been tragic.

Of course, I'm not saying the OP should leave her H -
I'm saying behaviour like that is unacceptable and needs to be sorted out straight away, as everyone else is saying.

yep. given we know that pregnancy and a new child can often be the point where domestic abuse ramps up as women are vulnerable and seen as now being stuck or dependent i think it's irresponsible to play this down without first ascertaining the bigger picture.

well done for getting out onefor. you shouldn't be mocked for trusting your instincts and knowledge and getting yourself and your child out of harms way.

What is he likely generally, before you had your dd and with you?

I have shouted and told my baby to shut up. I said it in anger and I was ashamed afterwards because I know I meant it meanly and with anger.

So many people have their patience pushed to the limit with a baby and we all struggle. The posts from mothers saying this also generally have an element of "I know they're just a little baby, I feel so bad."

The key here for me, would be - does he know/think/recognise it as being wrong?

I would also want to see - in the minimum - acknowledgement that it's not right and proactive steps for him to be sorting himself out. I've seen mothers do this - a good friend who regularly punched a door or a wall in sheer frustration. She knew her feelings weren't right and she sought help for herself in dealing with her frustration.

Having a new baby is huge, we all know that. Feeling helpless in the face of a crying baby usually leads to blame, frustration, anger and irrational rationalising of it - they hate me etc. Mother OR father feeling that way has a responsibility to their family and themselves to seek help. To be honest about what it is and not minimise it.

This guy sounds like he minimising it. His sex is irrelevant. A parent is minimising his angry and irrational response to his 11 week old baby. It's not right.

Hold on just a second.
I never have and I never will , EVER mock someone for leaving an abusive partner.
I did not mock.

Please don't put words in my mouth.
Because that's not what I said.

But background information was not given. No details of other reasons and instances which led to leaving.
What was said was:
He shouted.
I left.

Now we have been given further details and I am of course very glad you made the right decision.

But please don't make out that I mocked someone for leaving an
abusive ex. Because I didn't.

Ops dh may well be a baddie. And she may well leave him. If so, great.
But he may be a goodie.
It's not clear either way. To me.
Simply not enough info has been given to make an informed decision.

I think it's also worth remembering that children continue to be very very challenging. Yes they might cry less when they can communicate via talking. But they don't have impulse control or rationality, they are not easy or civilised, they need to be constantly watched because they have no sense of danger, when they get older they start to argue back.

And if a parent does not show love or understanding but consistently displays anger and frustration, it's not going to be good for the child's development.

Having a new baby is massively disruptive. It changes your life practically, emotionally and physically and people react differently to the change.

I will admit that dh and I used to take turns to be like this when dd1 was born. I used to feel like dh was taking things much to personally (he would even say she was crying 'at' him) but I used to lose it sometimes too.

I'm not trying to minimise - I don't know what is really going on in your house- but you both need to sit tight and be as kind to each other as you can. A kind but stern talking to when he is feeling calm may help, perhaps with some info from the HV about how babies cry) to back it up.

Obviously if you really fear for the baby's safety you need to take her away. But I totally remember the feeling of helplessness in the face of crying in those first few weeks, and it got much much better when dd1 started to be more interactive and develop a personality.

Good luck

oblomov - hence why it is so important to know the facts and context before minimising and justifying potentially abusive behaviour or accusing people of overreaction.

What numpty said. I appreciate you had no other background info oblomov, but as this thread is not about me, I didn't share. However him shouting at DD was the last straw, so I left. Perhaps I should have been more specific.

OP, how's it going?

My dh found things much more fun when ds started interacting. The day ds smiled at dh for the first time, dh literally floated out of the door on his way to work.

I often referred to crying as other things "telling off", "shouting", "whining" or even just talking as I think it helps people not familiar with babies understand that it is their only way of telling us what they need.

This is the really hard bit. I'm sure it'll get better and easier.

The DH isn't bothered by his shouting. That's the worry for me.

I've been there and it was awful. However I didn't excuse it by saying I was exhausted, that baby didn't stop crying etc because they are just excuses and I felt awful for it.

Don't leave your DH with the baby alone. And I would have a chat with him when baby is asleep and get to the bottom of it.

Oblomov, I think it makes a difference in your case that you had diabetic hypos.

And I think you mocked the reason OneForEachHand gave for leaving, which is to say, you second guessed her. And she did not say LTB to the OP. She emphasised the seriousness of what is going on with her own personal account.

'Really? WTF?' comes across to me as mocking.

ZebraZeebra, I think you are absolutely right here -- he shows no readiness to acknowledge what he is doing is wrong.

Instead he has turned OP's objections to his raging into a 'you're not letting me do it my way' struggle with his OH, where everyone is ganging up on him, baby included, and he is some misunderstood, well-intentioned player in this. This is not hopeful in the least.

Thanks for all the replies. He is not a very patient person in life in general. Silly example but if he dropped something on his foot there would be a FFS and lots of general raging into the air rather than an 'ow' if you know what I mean.

Anyway we had a big talk about his temper and I said I would do almost all baby care for now and he could do housework/cooking type stuff (which he does a lot of anyway) as he obviously wasn't able to cope with her at the moment. He agreed straightaway that this would be best.

However he then took her to his mother's for the day which we had already arranged to give me a few hours off and had an amazing day with her, really enjoyed her company and took her to the shops on the way back on his own without any incident. Since then he has been super patient with her and all over her.

I don't really think it is time to write him off completely as he is besotted with her but just isn't really a coper, has a history of depression etc. will certainly be keeping a close eye for the time being though.

Smerlin I can see my DH being a lot like yours with our dd, he is also not a patient person in life generally (he's never quite shouted at her but has definitely been impatient, unsympathetic, moany etc - for example he's said "I wish she'd just shut the fuck up" to me when she woke up at night and has got close to shouting at her)

I think at the start it was worse and the underlying problem was that he didn't have empathy with our dd, he wasn't thinking about how she felt and why she was crying, he was just thinking she was making noise and it was keeping him awake iyswim.

As she got older and it was clearer why she was crying - because teeth were cutting through or because she was ill for example - he got a lot more patient as he felt sorry for her.

Perhaps therefore the key is explaining to your DH why your dd is or might be crying? explain to him about reflux and how it feels for your dd? If he feels protective towards her and sorry for her it might change his behaviour.

it's encouraging that he has got more patient recently after your comments. Again this sounds similar to my DH - he will sometimes go not agree openly with me if I tell him he's behaved badly but will nonetheless take it on board and change. Recently I had a go at him for being cross with dd for waking in the night and at the time he said nothing but a few days later said "I really must be more patient with dd". Perhaps your DH is the same?

Agree with Oblomov that ltb is waaay over the top. If you really think he might harm your dd then that is a different story but from the sound of your OP that doesn't sound likely?