You know those women on the news with a baby and a toddler who kill themselves and their kids?

[louloutheshamed]

Well I get it.

I feel like I am losing it. I have ds1 almost 3 and ds2 4m, who woke every 2 hours last night.

Have just tried to make lunch for ds1 and 1 whilst shushing/ feeding ds2. Ds1 puts a whole slice of ham in his mouth at once, chews it up, gags and spits it out all over the rest of his dinner on his plate. This sends me into meltdown, I shout and now we are all crying. I go into the living room to try and calm down ds2 only to find ds1 must have, while I was preparing lunch, emptied all his toy boxes all over the floor. I have another meltdown.

And the worst part is, I only have to do this two days a week as ds1 goes to nursery 2 days and my mum comes and helps me the other day.

Im so ashamed.

Don't be ashamed, is there anyone you can call on?

Make yourself a cup of tea, leave the toys for now and take some time to calm down. Your tired, that makes everything more difficult and upsetting.

Op please don't feel ashamed I'm having the sane shit time as you. Look at my thread - 4 mo won't sleep end of my tether. Just shouted at my poor toddler and made her cry. We've all been non stop crying. I hate this.

You are not alone, but (feel free to slap me) it DOES get easier. DS2 is now 14months (DC1 is nearly 3). I thought I was going to lose my mind last year, but once DS2 learnt to crawl, was more predictable and allowed me to put him down for more than 5 seconds, things started to get easier. I really struggled, and feel bad I in effect missed his first year, and treated baby DC1 like she was much older than she was.
Feel free to PM if you want to rant. It's bloody difficult.

Baby and toddler is really hard. You are terribly sleep deprived. You need chunks of four hours to really keep sane (which is why ships traditionally use 4 hour watches).
Don't be ashamed. All you have to do is get through it, one day at a time.

One thing I remember about this stage was sitting on the edge of a sandpit on a sunny day trying to stop dd pouring sand over the baby's head, and my neighbour looked over the fence and went, 'It's all right for some!'
Aargh!

I found that it was necessary to take the smaller one into the bathroom with me and lock the door against the bigger one. I'd then sit there and listen to him rampage throught the house whilst I clutched DS2 and cried.

I have returned to work now thank god and find that I actually miss them, which I would never have believed to be possible a year ago.

It does get better, honestly. Also, you don't need to be ashamed. Other people may seem to be coping, but your situation is not identical to theirs and cannot/should not be directly compared.

The only thing that matters is how you feel, not how you compare to everyone else. If you are struggling then no intelligent person will judge you for seeking help - in fact you should be praised for it.

Thank you everyone. We have calmed down, ds1 is being sweet and ds2 smiling again.

I have a meeting with work about going back pt on Friday and now I'm reconsidering- maybe I should just stay ft if I'm so shit at being at home with them.

I think we've all been there! It's cold but sunny where I am, would it help to just forget everything, bundle them up in the buggy and have a half hour walk?

Sometimes a change of scenery can help a lot and it gets you out of the situation. I've done it with DS a few times and I feel much better when I'm out with him and then it feels better again once you're back indoors.

Sorry if it sounds a lame idea, it's just something that's helped me in the past.

Have you considered that you might have PND?

Get your HV round or pop to the GP. Be totally honest with them.

Your thread title and the fact that you are on your own only 2 days a week suggest to me that you really need to chat to a HCP.

I was pretty much the same. Totally thought I was fine, just hated my life. Looking back I really wasn't and some anti-depressants completely solved it within a month or two. I know it's not always that simple but it's something you could explore.

Aw I am really sorry you've felt so crap. It sounds like picking/adjusting your battles may help a bit. accept there will be toys everywhere sometimes and allow more time to get food eaten, and/or cut food up a little more

or maybe rotate the toys so there's only one box available with the rest out of the way and swap them over now and then

neither mess from toys or hiccups at mealtimes are anything to get so upset about imho, very few things are.

Deep breaths

I've been there, it will get easier, but I understand how awful you may be feeling now.

I think the key thing is to reach out and admit you're struggling- post here, talk to your partner, friends, gp, health visitor, whoever... Get any support you can and don't be ashamed- even if it's only 2 days a week I know those days can be very long.

Glad things have calmed down

Please don't feel ashamed - it's bloody hard being a mum (and I only have 1, 6 week old - so he just comes along with me!!)

Can you get out to the park or just for a walk? Might give your older dc a chance to let off steam and the fresh air will help you all.

I find I start going stir crazy if I don't leave the house each day (actually went for a wander round asda one rainy day last week! Didn't need anything but just needed to go out!).

Alternatively, leave the toys, grab a cup of tea and put your feet up! X

I'm not sure about pnd. Most of the time I feel fine. I just have moments of exasperation but I'm not low. Ds2s birth was quite traumatic tho and tbh I think I'm still processing it. The Hv was here on Thurs and I had a long chat with her about it. I have a thread here about it in childbirth.

OP, the summer when DC1 was almost 3 and DC2 was 4/5 mo, was THE hardest time of my life. By miles. So tough.

Be kind to yourself, don't take things to heart, cut corners and don't do anything stressful that isn't absolutely necessary. Most importantly, don't look at the picture ( stop worrying about being a terrible mum), and treat every day as it comes.

Don't look at the BIG picture I meant!

Also, I have another pnd question...

In November, when ds2 was 2 months old, I signed up for Nanowrimo. I did a bit but (obviously) didn't finish, and now I'm cross with myself. I get mad that I fall asleep on the sofa every night instead of writing my novel.

I have also signed up for mn 50 books a year challenge and get frustrated that I haven't got time to read.

I have lists of all the decluttering jobs I'm going to do around the house and feel frustrated that I can't get on with it.

I know this sounds crazy and I seriously need to lower my expectations but I'm used to working full time and being productive and now I just feel like my days are spent in endless slog and drudgery.

50 books a year with 2 kids under 3? Are you serious? I think you need to really consider what's going on in your life and be realistic - I'd also take or seek out any kind of counselling advice you can get, as I don't think it's normal to be so strung out when you only have the two kids two full days a week (not saying they don't press your buttons, mind..)

Are your two days at home consecutive or spaced out? If they're together, you might benefit from having them spaced (e.g. at home Tue/Thu, but work the other days)

I understand you might have been a high flyer and being productive - but honestly, raising two little people is far more productive than anything you'll ever do in your working life - you need to start giving yourself credit for what you are doing and stop setting outrageously high (never going to meet them) plans - it's like you're setting yourself up for failure.

Hope you get to speak to someone soon, it's not going to be good for you or your kids for you to be in tears on a regular basis.

(and while I understand why you picked the heading for this thread - I do think it is in bad taste - just my tuppence).

Yes I appreciate what you mean about the thread title, I've never posted under such an emotive title before but it was in the heat of the moment.

Loulou, have you read 'What mothers do (especially when it looks like nothing)' by Naomi Stadlen?

If I were you I would scrap the 50 book challenge and read that one. It will give you a boost.

You really can't get much done with a baby and toddler. You can't just leave them to it because the toddler might be poking the baby's eyes or feeding it gravel. It will get easier. Don't set yourself up to fail by giving yourself tasks to do that you're not realistically going to complete.

And if there is a particular decluttering job that you are desperate to do, and you know you will feel so much better when it's done, schedule it for when your dp is home (assuming you have a dp - I didn't notice, sorry) or your mother is there and they can take both children out of the house while you do it without the frustration of constant interruptions.

Give up the decluttering thoughts. My youngest is 5 I have only just decluttered the house from 10 yrs worth of aspiring to declutter.

I was very pleased with myself. Told my manager in work I was so pleased with myself and informed her I was going to have a more minimalist lifestyle. It took her a few minutes to stop laughing. Her youngest is 11. Apparently there is no hope.

Op it does get better. When ther are older and you can actually enjoy their company and going out isnt a military operation, and they are civilised enough to sleep through, then it becomes a pleasure mostly.

I did actually read that book after ds1 and recommended it to all my friends with babies. looking back I was quite serene and chilled with ds1, after the initial shock and awe.

But 2 feels like a different kettle of fish altogether. Maybe it's time to revisit that book.

In all seriousness- those women that do kill themselves and their kids have generally either not sought help or not received adequate help. So its important that if you recognise something 'isnt right' then you must seek some help ( I work with women who you describe in your thread title)

The 50 books challenge? Even I dont have time for that and I have far less going on than you do. Give yourself a break.

With child 2 you're doing all the stuff Stadlen describes with the new baby AND looking after child 1 - not just the practical stuff, but learning to deal with their emotions and negotiate the compromises between their needs and those of the new baby.
It is exhausting. It might not feel very intellectual, but actually you are using your brain more than you realise. I remember not reading very many books at that stage.

Are there any kindly neighbours who could help you out for a bit? I'm a SAHM with older kids and my next door neighbour has just had her second.

I can't WAIT to be asked to take the kids off her hands for a while so she can have a nap/read a book/go to the loo on her own.