Bad mother-can't get it out of my head

[Welshmum]

This keeps going round and round my head.
The other day I was out at a little party with my 22 month old DD. I offered her a cake and she munched it up and then spat it out. In a jokey voice I then said 'Ooooo you're a horrible child'and we carried on with our tea. A minute later a 'friend' of mine said in front of everyone that what I'd said was wrong, how I should never describe a child as horrible only the action, that it was bad parenting and I'd give her a complex. I know he's right but it's not as if I'd ever done this before - definitely not to his knowledge. It's not pattern ofbehaviour. He's made me feel so bad, I'm paranoid now that all my friends think I'm a bad mum, that actually I am a bad mum and I'm doing things unconciously to give my daughter a complex. Part of me knows this is daft but as I said I can't get it out of my head. Feels better to have written it down actually.

Boolox to them! I am sure you do not say it to the child constantly, or even often, it was prob just a one - off and you said it in a jokey voice? Then ignore your 'friend'. Don't think any more of it. End of. Thats what I would do.

I think we all think we are bad mums some of the time, but your DD thinks you are the best mum in the world!

Bollox even!

This 'friend' sounds completely joyless. Doesn't he joke with his children? I say things like that to my children all the time, they know it is a joke and that they are not horrible.

Don't waste another second worrying. I can hardly believe someone was so interfering and rude as to put you in this situation.

Your 'friend' is completely up his own arse and bang out of order for taking the 'public humiliation route' and pontificating about your parenting in front of others. Sure as a general rule it doesn't do to criticise your child too much, but the example you gave was pretty innocuous harmless stuff, and as you say a one off not a regular pattern of behaviour. Moreover it does make all the difference that you said it in a jokey voice (which makes the statement more of a general leg pull / tease than a criticism). Don't give it another thought.

Welshmum, sounds as though it was taken completely out of context!
I know that you should describe the action and not the child, (and i do that,"that was naughty", things like that), but i also call dd a horrible child sometimes when i'm joking,(and she knows i'm joking)
Just to make you feel a bit better, i was just at the shops and i had my hands full and asked dd to get a hair off my arm, i saw two women looking and i said," i knew she'd come in handy for something", they looked horrified!!!

I was obviously joking!

BTW, your friend doesn't sound that P.C herself!!

Agree with everyone here - how dare someone 'tell you off' in front of everyone else. Does he have children? If not, what the hell does he know, and if he does, is he so bl**dy perfect? - People in glass houses and all that. I'm sure you don't say it all the time. If this is really getting to you then I would calmly and cooly say next time you see him that you do not appreciate comments being passed on your parenting in public.

Welshmum, our children pick up on everything about our communication, and the over-riding message your DD will have picked up is the affection in your jokey voice. If your friend doesn't realise this, then he shouldn't feel so proud of the parenting skills he's so desparate to show off!

Joking like this is entirely different to coldly drumming into your child that they are 'horrible'...as well you know! So get it out of your head.

Some friend! I would be upset too, it's horrible to feel criticised for your parenting. I quite often tell my children they are little horrors, horrible, pains in the bum etc. But I also (as I'm quite sure you do) tell them they are wonderful and I love them to bits, and praise them to the skies when they do good things. I think you should have said to your friend "and you're a horrible friend....have you got a complex now?"

Try and forget about it.

Angeliz! Welshmum, agree with HMC entirely: a jokey voice and saying a jokey thing is a completely different matter to screaming something like this at a child when you mean it. You didn't mean it horribly, it wasn't a terrible thing to say, you were joking as you are entitled to do with your child and tosser friend absolutely shouldn't have said anything. I suggest you make up some statistics next time you see him a la Motherinferior's advice on another thread. something like "80% of men who criticise other peoples' parenting end up with a smack." well, her advice was better than that but I can't think of an example at this horrendously short notice Really, you mustn't worry about this.

Welshmum, our children pick up on everything about our communication, and the over-riding message your DD will have picked up is the affection in your jokey voice. If your friend doesn't realise this, then he shouldn't feel so proud of the parenting skills he's so desparate to show off!

Joking like this is entirely different to coldly drumming into your child that they are 'horrible'...as well you know! So get it out of your head.

Sorry! Forgot I'd already pressed the button.

Can we just do a straight guilt thread? I hate my children right now -- well, DS is almost tolerable, but DD I could put up for adoption. I'm barely speaking to DD. I can't remember the last "good" day I had with kids. I'm ordering DH to do nothing for Mother's Day because I won't believe it, anyway. Wish the worst thing I could blame this all on was a mere off the cuff silly tease.

Oh, this has made me quite cross for you, welshmum! Where the hell does he get off saying something like that to you? The times I have been truly horrified by peoples' parenting (and I am not talking an off-the-cuff jokey comment like yours) and I would never dream of saying anything. OOh, I feel like punching him on the nose.

Thankyou from the bottom of my heart, I feel so much better now. I just needed someone to say I wasn't crap. I'll move on. He's an arse....with 3 lovely kids actually and well brought up too. That's kind of why I worried more - he does have some credibility in this area, and mostly I like him. But he was wrong that time.

Message withdrawn

so is calling ds2 Mr Stinky going to give him a complex? oops

I call dd a little horror all the time, but in v jokey smiley way and she LOVES it! Don't worry about this pc twat!

Welshmum,

Perhaps his 3 lovely kids are lovely inspite of him and not because of him, and it could be the mum who deserves the credit for this rather than him.

mine is currently known as 'snot bucket' so is that him crushed for life.........?

Totally agree with everyone else. Children can tell when you are joking and enjoy being gently ribbed. I wonder how much actual parenting this bloke does.

Sounds like "friend" has been reading too many books and not getting enough practical experience. When I ask ds2 what he is he says "menace". My friend's little boy when asked what Mummy calls him says "pedantic" (which I have to admit has me on the floor with laughter every time).

Sorry you said he's right - no he is a he that makes him automatically wrong IMO!!

Told DD that I would send her back to the baby shop if she did not behave was in M&S at the time a lady looked at me like I was mass murderer - and said she would never say that and I was really awful - I told her to mind her own business and when I wanted pointers on how to bring up clever, well bahaved, funny, beautiful children I would ask someone I knew rather than a fucking stranger!!

Thought I did really well losing my rag and not going ballistic at the same time until I realised I had said fucking stranger infront of DD!

Better add that she knows I am joking cause the monster has threatened me with going back to the mummy shop on more than one occassion - then gives me a hug and says that she won't really send me back and was only kidding!!

Agree - your mate wants to find her sense of humour I'm afraid. One comment does not a complex make........ The very fact your worried about it shows you ARE a good mother - you know you are, she has just sown a wee seed of doubt.

The generosity and support of mumsnetters is marvellous. I really do feel so much better - and it was stopping me sleeping last night. Thanks again xxx