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Parenting

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Original poster

2 weeks ago my 12 year old disclosed abuse

38 replies

throughtheglass · 05/01/2014 22:17

Why am I hear writing about this? because I feel alone and I suppose need re-enforcement that its going to be okay.. 2 weeks ago I was happy, with my three daughters and partner of three and half years, we'd been through a lot and I mean a lot, but were close, realy close to close sometimes as he could be controlling, but in the last year Id began to win this battle and would stand my ground... so two weeks ago we'd been out for a normal day, the five of us.. when we got home he left us to visit his parents.. soon as he walked out of the door my 12 year old daughter immediately told me that, he had touched her that very morning, he had put his hand between her legs, she didn't have the words to describe it, but she showed me with gestures what he did.. my world changed in an instant.. I remained calm told my daughter that she was doing the right thing to tell me and that she had done nothing wrong.. I underneath my mask of support for my daughter was in utter shock.. I didn't know what to do, although I did know what to do it was facing the reality of it.. I contacted her biological dad, the police were contacted, next thing I was in a police station at 1 am giving a statement, by 8 am my daughter was giving a video statement, then a full on medical... WTF was happening to our lives... him the man I loved really, really would he do this, would my daughter lie.. how could she, she's an innocent 12 year old... he was arrested and released on bail not allowed any contact with any of us.. the investigation is under way, awaiting forensics.. just waiting..in the meantime my daughter is being her, she's coping, .... Christmas was done in a daze, some how I did it, just me and my girls.. and now I'm trying to rein in my 101 emotions, of course my girls are my priority, my daughter is coping, she seems fine, in her mind he did wrong so she told me and I showed her what is done when wrong is done... but I just feel empty I miss him, I miss us... but Ive got to learn to hate him and consistently remember what he did, and the fact I had to stand and listen to my little girl describe what he did to her!!! But why... why did he do it... I know to access the right supportI know all that but I suppose Im seeking out any other person that has faced a similar situation.. and to be honest I hope to god there isn't... I know ive got to be strong and I wont live our lives in the shadow of this

OP posts:

peppercold · 05/01/2014 22:21

No experience but you have my ear. So sorry must have been an awful shock.

CinnabarRed · 05/01/2014 22:33

You sound like an amazing, wonderful, parent.

PumpkinPie2013 · 05/01/2014 23:51

You sound like a great supportive mum - your daughter felt she could confide in you which speaks volumes!!

What a terrible shock for you

Just keep being there for your daughter as you both go through this difficult time. X

Lairyfights · 05/01/2014 23:56

This is awful, and I don't have any words of advice or anything to make this easier for you. Just wanted to say Thank you for believing your daughter. You have no idea how much that will help her in the future. You are a wonderful mum, and together your family will get through this.

CaroBeaner · 05/01/2014 23:59

Dreadful. So sorry OP, that is a hell of a lot to cope with .

You were amazing, taking such immediate and decisive action.

You know he will probably deny it, and try and win you round, and set you against your dd? Be ready !

Your dd is a credit,, telling you straight away.

Good luck to you and your girls.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 06/01/2014 00:01

I am so sorry this has happened to your daughter and the whole family.

Just be there for her and make her smile.

mamacoffee · 06/01/2014 12:38

I'm really sorry to read this. You will be a happy family unit once again. And that is because you have done the right thing by your daughter. You sound like a great mum.

motherinferior · 06/01/2014 12:42

I agree with Mamacoffee and everyone else.

ballstoit · 06/01/2014 12:55

You have my heartfelt sympathy op.

You are obviously a fantastic mother, and your daughter will cope with what has happened because you have done the right thing for your family.

I haven't experienced the total horror of your situation, but I do totally understand the desire to turn back the clock or regain what you've lost. I felt this for a long time with my Ex-h despite his behaviour.

Do seek support, online and in RL. Try to enjoy your family time with your precious daughters. Treat yourself with care and allow yourself time to grieve for what you have lost. When times are tough, remind yourself of the immediate decision you made to put your daughter first, and the admiration others have for you xx

Only1scoop · 06/01/2014 12:59

You sound like a great mum thinking of you and dd's

Foodylicious · 06/01/2014 13:13

How utterly awful, sounds like you are a fab mum though and a strong family who will get through this together.
How old are the other girls? I presume you have been able to talk to them about this too?? they may need extra support too as this man has been a part of all your lives for 3 years.
have you/the police spoken to your other girls too?

Stay strong but get some support in RL x

Original poster

throughtheglass · 06/01/2014 13:35

I'm humbled by your reply's thank you.. Your words mean a lot, which may sound strange.. But they do.. My other girls are aged 2 and 8, all three are now being assessed to ensure nothing has happened to them.. I'm just giving them all the opportunity to talk freely as and when they want to, and letting them know it's ok to miss him, but to also recognise he has done wrong, and when wrong is done there are consequences.. I also have to maintain routine and structure for them, as I will not let this be a label for them, it's happened and now we have to deal and cope with it in what ever ways that meet their needs.. My 8 year old doesn't know details she does know that he has done something wrong to my eldest, and of course I accept that she is missing him... As I am too. Right now it's about riding this storm and holding on tight to one another... I've just got to stay on top of it all, I've today agreed for a referral for emotional support for me.. By no means am I steering this situation to be all about me as it is far from that... I'm watching my girls, spending quality time with them, and doing my best to make them smile, and look forward to our future...

It's just I need an outlet to regulate my thoughts and emotions, as I will not crack in front of my girls, I am their rock, and il do what ever it takes to keep them safe, I choose to have them, they are my responsibility ... I just wish what has happend hadn't, and I need to seek a resolution for my emotions to ensure my consistency for them... Thank you again

OP posts:

motherinferior · 06/01/2014 13:58

I really think that the way you acted - quickly, completely believing her, staying strong for the kids - is amazing. And that this is what will stay with your girls - that you're there for them, whatever the cost to you.

Not every parent would have done what you did. Give yourself credit and take strength from that.

motherinferior · 06/01/2014 14:00

Is this any use?

onethingafteranotherforachange · 06/01/2014 14:08

Wow the way you acted so calm & quickly while doing what was best for your Dd is amazing you sound like a very strong woman & your girls are very lucky to have you .
Access as much support as you can their are lots of agencies out their to help support you and your Dds

longtallsally2 · 06/01/2014 14:23

Oh TTG, there are other Mumsnetters who have been where you are: bumping this for you hoping that they will come along.

But I am echoing the posts above: you have done exactly the right things in looking after your dd and in preventing this situation escalating further too. It sounds as if you kept amazingly calm and together when you must have been in a whirlwind inside. Whenever you question what you did, you can always remind yourself not only how awful your p was, but what would have happened if you had taken any other route!

Of course you are in shock. You have not had any time to come to terms with the loss of your partner and may find the relationships threads useful to read as you experience the feelings that anyone losing a partner suddenly will go through.

Thinking of you and wishing you well. You have done so well. I knew someone whose mum reacted in exactly the opposite way, stopping to think, then allowing herself to be talked around by her p, and so never believing her dd. It was incredibly awful for all involved,

sheeplikessleep · 06/01/2014 14:30

What an amazing mum you are. You have done the right thing and acted quickly and with unconditional love. Sending you strength and courage, though you sound like you have lots already. They are blessed to have you

VoyageDeVerity · 06/01/2014 14:36

I can only agree with the others and salute the way you are reacting to this dreadful thing.

sebsmummy1 · 06/01/2014 14:41

Bless you, how devastating for all of you.

feelinlucky · 06/01/2014 14:42

I felt strongly that I should add to others and say how wonderful you sound. It made me teary to think of how much your daughter must trust you to tell you immediately what he did. She's so brave and you sound wonderful. I hope you're holding out ok.

ghostinthecanvas · 06/01/2014 14:43

What everyone else said. Not only the way you dealt (are dealing) with it, your daughter was so strong coming to you. You are an amazing family.

Coro · 07/01/2014 21:00

You should be proud of your DD for talking to you so quickly.
You've done the right thing seeking support for yourself. It's not selfish, you need to be able to carry on holding it together. Having been where you are it does get easier. I will pm you a link that has been invaluable to me if you'd like.
Be kind to yourself and hug your kids often.

RockPaperScissorsLizardSpock · 07/01/2014 21:13

TTG you are an amazing woman and mother. Please do look after yourself too as it is just as important. I am giving you the biggest virtual tight squeeze that I can. I will keep refreshing for updates of you and your lovely girls x

princesspants · 08/01/2014 21:53

Haven't got time to read answers but just wanted to say I think you did exactly the right thing and what a relief to hear it.

You did exactly the right thing in reporting it. You are dealing with your DD in exactly the right way and that is why she is coping. You could have got it so wrong and her head would have been messed up for life. In reacting the way you did she immediately feels no guilt for what happened and knows who is in the wrong. She also knows she is safe, loved and respected - phew! He could have ruined her life.

Also all the feeling of missing him - what you thought you had in him and your old life with him is so normal. Of course you are going to want your old life, your loving partner back. Obviously you know it isn't what you thought it was but you can't be blamed for feeling like this. One minute you had a life with him and the next the rug is pulled from under you. You are in shock and it will take a long time for it all to sink in.

Well done though, I think you are fab. xx

Jackthebodiless · 08/01/2014 22:36

Well done to both of you for being so strong and trusting each other .

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