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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

2 weeks ago my 12 year old disclosed abuse

38 replies

throughtheglass · 05/01/2014 22:17

Why am I hear writing about this? because I feel alone and I suppose need re-enforcement that its going to be okay.. 2 weeks ago I was happy, with my three daughters and partner of three and half years, we'd been through a lot and I mean a lot, but were close, realy close to close sometimes as he could be controlling, but in the last year Id began to win this battle and would stand my ground... so two weeks ago we'd been out for a normal day, the five of us.. when we got home he left us to visit his parents.. soon as he walked out of the door my 12 year old daughter immediately told me that, he had touched her that very morning, he had put his hand between her legs, she didn't have the words to describe it, but she showed me with gestures what he did.. my world changed in an instant.. I remained calm told my daughter that she was doing the right thing to tell me and that she had done nothing wrong.. I underneath my mask of support for my daughter was in utter shock.. I didn't know what to do, although I did know what to do it was facing the reality of it.. I contacted her biological dad, the police were contacted, next thing I was in a police station at 1 am giving a statement, by 8 am my daughter was giving a video statement, then a full on medical... WTF was happening to our lives... him the man I loved really, really would he do this, would my daughter lie.. how could she, she's an innocent 12 year old... he was arrested and released on bail not allowed any contact with any of us.. the investigation is under way, awaiting forensics.. just waiting..in the meantime my daughter is being her, she's coping, .... Christmas was done in a daze, some how I did it, just me and my girls.. and now I'm trying to rein in my 101 emotions, of course my girls are my priority, my daughter is coping, she seems fine, in her mind he did wrong so she told me and I showed her what is done when wrong is done... but I just feel empty I miss him, I miss us... but Ive got to learn to hate him and consistently remember what he did, and the fact I had to stand and listen to my little girl describe what he did to her!!! But why... why did he do it... I know to access the right supportI know all that but I suppose Im seeking out any other person that has faced a similar situation.. and to be honest I hope to god there isn't... I know ive got to be strong and I wont live our lives in the shadow of this

OP posts:
ThreeBeeOneGee · 08/01/2014 22:42

Will PM you.

BrianTheMole · 08/01/2014 22:42

Well done op. For raising a dd who can trust you enough to tell you, in the knowledge that you will deal with this for her. And well done for reacting in the way you did. However you feel, just know that you got this exactly right. But I'm really sorry its happened. Big hugs to you. Flowers

ThreeBeeOneGee · 08/01/2014 22:53

.. I remained calm told my daughter that she was doing the right thing to tell me and that she had done nothing wrong.. I underneath my mask of support for my daughter was in utter shock..

Yes, that describes it exactly.

ThreeBeeOneGee · 08/01/2014 22:55

www.mosac.org.uk/

Has a helpline and can send you useful literature.

Orangebanannas01 · 08/01/2014 22:58

You sound amazing, how lucky for your dd that she has you fighting her corner.

Koothrapanties · 09/01/2014 08:36

You have obviously laid the building blocks for your dd to trust you every day of her life so far. It speaks volumes that she confided in you immediately. You couldn't have known what this man would do, and you couldn't do anything more than what you have done for your girls.

Please just remember that it is ok to feel broken by this from time to time. You obviously need to keep strong for your girls, but you can come on here and let it all out.

I know you and your beautiful daughters will get through this together, you are a fantastic mum.

matildamatilda · 09/01/2014 20:47

Your daughter will always remember the courage you showed.

I think you're amazing.

I know you can't imagine doing anything different but do you have any idea how many people would just retreat into denial and fail to protect their children? It happens so often.

I hope you're getting support for yourself as well.

mummyxtwo · 10/01/2014 12:29

I have to say how impressed I was reading your post with how you handled this when it first came out. I can't fault what you did - you listened to your daughter, who now knows that she can tell you anything and trust that you'll believe her, you acted immediately according to her best interests, and you have taught her that when someone does something wrong, there are consequences for that person. I hope that instead of this being a traumatic event for her, which it could have been, that she will grow up in the knowledge that it was handled well and promptly, she was removed from the dangerous situation, and thank goodness you acted when you did and prevented anything much worse from happening. I understand that this must be so hard for you, to accept what has happened and to cope with missing someone who you had no idea could do that, but please give yourself a huge mental pat on the back for your excellent reaction and behaviour. I hope that it gets easier over time and that you can learn not to mourn the man who doesn't deserve your emotions. The man you loved no longer exists - he smashed that happy bubble of belief when he demonstrated that he was not that man. All the best to you and your children x

crazyhead · 10/01/2014 15:15

This could have happened to anyone, but the thing is that you were the mum whose daughter trusted to tell her when it did happen, and you are the mum doing all the right things about it now.

Although it is a dreadful experience for your daughter, she will at least learn from this that if something awful happens she can trust you absolutely for love and support and she will have every chance to work through her experience. You've got a lot to be proud of yourself for, and I'm so sorry something so awful happened to you.

throughtheglass · 19/03/2014 10:54

Thank you for all your kind comments, as I've said previously your words help so much. I haven't been on hear since January, yet today I've found myself hear, just because it helps, and thought I'd post an update.

We reached the original bail date, and the police contacted me to say they were extending it until the 25th April, and that the case is being presented to the CPS on the 3rd April. I'm assuming this will be the day that I hear if the case will be going to trial? The thought of it going to trial or not is surrounded by mixed emotions, however I'm attempting to accept that I don't know how I will react to the unknown, therefore trying my best not to worry about it, and stop myself from endlessly researching similar cases to find out what the outcome was.

As for my dd she's okay, we continue to talk, she requested that she has someone else other than me to talk to, which I have arranged and fully accept, and if anything am pleased that she has recognised that need. My second dd is also receiving support, nothing major just a point of contact, as for her this situation has had traits of what is felt in a bereavement, in that one minute he was hear and big part of our lives and the next he was gone. Both my older dd's worry about my youngest dd in that she doesn't or hasn't seen him since it happened, the way I respond is that my youngest dd who is 2, has us, and we are a team.

As for me, just cant believe we are now approaching April, in the last 3 months I've contended with reining in my emotions, functioning as a mum, functioning as a full time student, whilst dealing with him trying to contact me, and tell me he didn't know he did it, he was a sleep, and that my dd was being provocative.. this being said whilst his bail conditions state he isn't allowed near us, I have informed the police. I do feel better though as in I haven't cried in over 3 weeks, I did request emotional support, yet haven't received any, the one person who has helped me has been my best friend, she's checked on me every day, and I just know I'm lucky to have her, my family haven't really been any help, they don't ask how things are progressing, and really act as though nothing is going on, not that I want it to shadow every conversation it'd just be nice to be asked. As for him I don't miss him like I did, time does heal.

All I want now is to know where this is going to go, trial or not, if it is not, then I know he will be straight back on my door step. My next move will then be to get an injunction if its possible. If its going to go to trial then Ill be worried for my dd, however I know procedures are in place for children giving evidence in court, the part that scares me is that if she gives evidence first she is then not allowed to talk to me until I have given evidence, I wont be able to hug her when she comes out of court, that bits driving me insane, but I just need to let it go as I don't know which way its going to go.... Anyway, I'm wittering on, of all what I've said my focus does remain in that life goes on, and I will continue to do my best by my girls.

OP posts:
mummyxtwo · 19/03/2014 11:26

Bless you, sending a hug. Have social services been a support? You should get in touch with them regarding concern about him turning up on your doorstep and trying to see you. They will take very seriously the risk to you and your daughters given the claim he is facing, and should know exactly how to prevent his being able to come near you. Don't listen to any nonsense he tries to say to excuse himself - if he had been asleep, your daughter would have said "he slumped over me in his sleep and his hand went on my lap and I didn't like it" not what she has told you happened. And he said she was "being provocative"?! That's appalling, to try to excuse his behaviour by putting some of the blame onto her! He is a complete scumbag. Sorry your family have been lame. Really hope the procedures are over quickly so you can move forward with your lives and put this traumatic time (and the scumbag) behind you. x

ThreeBeeOneGee · 19/03/2014 13:46

if she gives evidence first she is then not allowed to talk to me until I have given evidence, I wont be able to hug her when she comes out of court

I can see why they need to do it this way, so the witness's evidence isn't affected by other people, but as a parent it seems particularly cruel. There is a witness care officer, but that's not the same as your mum!

beeny · 19/03/2014 13:50

I am a barrister of course you can hug her just don't talk about the evidence.

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