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Original poster

Your top tips to deal with defiant three year olds

39 replies

DropDeadThread · 04/01/2014 09:48

She's so different to her brother. I'm sick of the battles and she can't be talked round.

This morning she's still in her pyjamas because she doesn't want to get dressed. I stupidly removed some toys because she was screaming "No!" when I tried to insist. So then I had a sobbing child who was still refusing to get dressed. I can't force her to get dressed (unless i want a kick in the face). No amount of coaxing or negotiation works. And it's impossible to leave the house.

Apply this to fifteen situations every day and it gets wearing. I'm fine with sanction>follow through but I can't do the school run with her in pyjamas, so sometimes I have to get things done and she makes it impossible

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QTPie · 04/01/2014 10:01

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DropDeadThread · 04/01/2014 10:01

She's just tried to rip a toy out of her brother's hands and thrown a huge tantrum when he didn't hand it over. I took her upstairs at which point she kicked me (should've just manhandled her into clothes in the first place and taken the hit!). So now she's in her room and refusing to talk to me, I just told her to stay there until she's ready to talk to me and I'm going to get on with housework. Maddening. She's bloody angelic with everyone else.

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Original poster
DropDeadThread · 04/01/2014 10:04

I try and give a bit of a narrative about what's going to happen. Nothing rigid but it's not usually a surprise to her, put it that way. I think it just gives her time to plot against me Grin

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thingamajig · 04/01/2014 10:06

No advice but watching with interest - DT2 is nearly three and just like this - her sister can be difficult but not in the same league as her. Lots and lots of lying on the floor howling. We have done the school run with wellies and coat over PJs (these only went on after we got outside), and she has gone to nursery like this too.

Original poster
DropDeadThread · 04/01/2014 10:14

Sorry to hear you're enduring this too :(

I feel sorry for DS. He's really great and it seems so unfair that when I say, for example, let's tidy up, he had to do it while she gets to hurl herself onto the floor and have histrionics.

She's not reappeared yet. She's singing (and dancing by the sounds of things) so clearly not as anguished at one might think Hmm

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QTPie · 04/01/2014 10:40

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DropDeadThread · 04/01/2014 10:51

Oh I wouldn't usually put her in her room but this morning the tensions were high and she was disturbing his game. The histrionics are real but soon forgotten.

She came out all smiles and told me all about what she's been doing with her toys. I had to remind her that she was in there because she had behaved badly!

DS and I often have a chat once she's in bed. He's a patient soul.

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DropDeadThread · 05/01/2014 12:06

FFS she's doing my head in. Still completely open to any suggestions on improving her revolting attitude. She's rude and stroppy and insolent and maddening unlike any three year old ever, I know

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addictedtosugar · 05/01/2014 12:54

The only thing that works to get mine dressed is a challenge - bet you can't get dressed before big brother / Mummy / breakfast is ready.
We have races about everything - getting upstairs, putting the first toy away, getting dressed, getting undressed......
And ignore all the stropping. easier to type than do!
The 4 yr old is getting lovely again. The 2 yr old is already behaving like a threeager. I can't wait til he's properly three Hmm

MiaowTheCat · 05/01/2014 13:03

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DropDeadThread · 05/01/2014 13:11

I'm making notes. She shrieked and screamed all round the park this morning because I wouldn't carry her gloves Hmm - I had a dog, a bag of dog shit, coat, trike and bread to carry. She had two empty pockets. I suggested putting them in her pockets so she started shrieking at me. I walked all the way home with her thrusting them at me and screaming Hmm and I truly don't know what could have averted it except instant compliance from me.

She's having a nap now for her own safety so let's hope the mood is better after that.

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DropDeadThread · 05/01/2014 13:12

That was inaccurate. The dog wasn't being carried. I'm not Paris Hilton.

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Alanna1 · 05/01/2014 13:38

Get some PJs you can do the school run in....?

Muddlewitch · 05/01/2014 13:49

You have my sympathies OP.

My youngest is a 3 year old with attitude too, sounds very much like your DD. It seemed to start the day he turned 3 as well. (Just as I was feeling smug about how we had missed the terrible 2's, clearly he was planning it.)

Original poster
DropDeadThread · 05/01/2014 13:52

Alanna I would totally go for that except it is regularly below zero here and the school run is twenty minutes walk either way!

Muddle I hope your DS grows out of it soon. It's bloody tedious.

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findingherfeet · 05/01/2014 20:30

My girls a bit younger (but very opinionated!) it sometimes feels like she says (shouts) 'no' to everything so with things that are not optional, like getting dressed I try phrasing things differently so there is some choice but not a no option - ie do you want to wear your spotty socks or ones with flowers, do you want to put your clothes on in the front room or bedroom etc..giving warnings/racings a good idea and what about her 'helping' you, finding things etc??...sometimes everything feels like a battle here too!

13loki · 06/01/2014 09:48

DD has gone to nursery in below zero in pyjamas with her snowsuit and winter boots over the top. One time I had to have her baby sister in the sling so I could take her to nursery in baby's pushchair, so she was in the footmuff to keep warm. Then she was lovely for the nursery staff.

lljkk · 06/01/2014 14:32

It helps a lot if you can find humour in the situation, make a joke or game out of things rather than a battle. It's hard, I know! DH is much better at it than me, but works beautifully when he's on form.

CakePunch · 06/01/2014 14:42

-I give a warning that I will count to three if behaviour does not stop/start.
-I count to three.
-I give a 2 min ‘time out ‘ on any chair or step.

  • I explain why and then ask for an apology and hug.
  • Unless she hits or spits then she gets an immediate time out. (Thankfully she seems to have stopped doing this)

I only have to say ‘ one….’ now and she does what she’s told, most of the time.

I also try to pick my battles, distract etc. when I can. My friend does this thing where she tries not to say ‘no’ and instead will say ‘later’ or ‘let’s do this instead’ and I have tried to adopt that a bit. The same friend also swears by positive phrasing so ‘keep the juice in the cup’ rather than ‘don’t spill the juice.’ It seems to work.

Twinsplusonesurprise · 07/01/2014 23:40

dropdead are you sure you've not got one of my twins.
It's hilarious and really reassuring to know others' children do exactly the same. V v hard work and I do have days with lots of self reminders to breathe deeply. But aren't they hugely better and more charismatic than docile ploddy children!! That's me looking for positives (and counting days til 4th birthday - surely it's passed by then?!)

lostinindia · 08/01/2014 00:23

I remember when my daughter was like this. Got an egg timer and made it into a game. Sometimes we both raced to see who could get dressed quickest. Didn't work all the time but relieved some of the tension at times. Good luck.

slimyak · 08/01/2014 13:11

DD2 is 3 in a couple of weeks and is just like this.

I try really hard not to escalate things, toddlers aren't rational sometimes but as the mum I need to be ( not easy) and to pick my battles carefully. I would have shoved the gloves in my pocket straight away, battle over before it's begun.

Both my DDs aren't great at getting dressed. Races work sometimes but I can tell if they're brewing and then I just wrestle the little one dressed before she gets to earsplitting and kicking level.
I also do a lot of encouragement/bribing. If you get dressed quickly you can watch a peppa pig before we go/ play on ipad/have a sweet. minor short things that may be the encouragement needed. And lots of prised for tasks completed.
DD1 who is 6 likes to feel we're doing it as a team, so lots of supporting each other, who can help who with what etc.

I also try and pay attention to saying NO. Its very easy to start saying no because you're warn down and have reached that point of not wanting to give in to anything - that's stalemate to me. Instead I try later, once you've done this, or sometimes YES.

It's exhausting, but I am happy they have fighting spirit.

Oh yea, and sometimes it just ends up at all out war.

JuliaScurr · 08/01/2014 13:25

do not let her leave the bedroom until wiped down with oily rag and dressed. Take bowl and flannel. If she shouts at you, ask her why she is angry, then move to 'I understand you are angry, but we still need to do x' Reward for co-operating, "try again" for resistance. Get her to help and 'work as a team'
Lure downstairs with promises of Krave & Nesquik for breakfast
worked for me
dd now 14 made AND ATE ready brek today
so obviously a triumph of genius early years parenting skills and not just luck or coincidence Grin

Griftymoo · 08/01/2014 13:35

I try giving options which I think makes DS feel in control. I also try and talk through what's coming up in advance which seems to help too. 'we are getting dressed, then we will walk here and do this' etc. Then again DS decided to have a naked day two days ago and I just went with it. As cakepunch says it's better to pick battles and I didn't need to leave the flat on that particular day!

ratqueen · 08/01/2014 16:03

My DD went through a phase like this. I also did the race game, and 'I bet you can't get dressed by yourself' etc. For me, it coincided with DS being born and has got much better as I have been able to spend more time with her 1:1. That could be a coincidence. If it helps, most people I know's three year-olds have been like this at some point. It has been the most challenging phase with my DD so far.