Your top tips to deal with defiant three year olds

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She's so different to her brother. I'm sick of the battles and she can't be talked round.

This morning she's still in her pyjamas because she doesn't want to get dressed. I stupidly removed some toys because she was screaming "No!" when I tried to insist. So then I had a sobbing child who was still refusing to get dressed. I can't force her to get dressed (unless i want a kick in the face). No amount of coaxing or negotiation works. And it's impossible to leave the house.

Apply this to fifteen situations every day and it gets wearing. I'm fine with sanction>follow through but I can't do the school run with her in pyjamas, so sometimes I have to get things done and she makes it impossible

Praise, praise, praise, praise, PRAISE!

Every little thing she does right, the very minute she does it. Thank her for doing what she is told, praise her for playing quietly, for trying, for sitting at the table, for holding your hand, for giving that toy over etc etc.

It feels awkward, and you think, why should I? She should do that anyway, but I did a parenting course (incredible years based) and that was the single most useful thing I learned. They love praise, it motivates them, it also tells them clearly what they are doing right.

Otherwise, phrase commands in
a positive way. Easy when you get used to it. And be specific in your commands so not let's tidy up, but x, please put your bricks in the box.

Also keep no for when it has to be no, otherwise try and use "first we do x, then we do y", type response (if feasible)

Emm, what else, we already had a calm down corner which we still use but much less than before we did the course, now it is just for v aggressive behaviour, hitting, biting, screaming endlessly. If I am trying to stop a behaviour eg screaming I might say, talk quietly or you'll have to go to the hall to calm down.

Hth!

Three is such a difficult age, sympathy from here.

What helped us was learning routines whilst he was calm - if morning is the big problem create a routine together one afternoon when she's in a calm mood which lists all the things she needs to do in the morning - you can also do a chart which visually illustrates it and then it's her chart and you can keep asking her "what's next?" If she doesn't know she can look on the chart. Then masses of praise for each step she does right.

It can be soooo hard to keep a positive tone in your voice and feel like praising every tiny thing done right but even noting it "I can see you're sitting at the table eating your breakfast with cutlery" in a bright voice can be a good motivator for our DS.

We also have a reward of an extra story at the end of the day if he's been basically well behaved all day so we do a review together of whether he deserves it or not - he can complain about it but invariably I get a really well behaved day the next day as he feels motivated to go for the extra story that night.

I don't know how to feel after reading this. I do nearly all of the stuff on here already and he is a nightmare atm.

Well, 3yo are v hard. Ime you would not believe how persistent you need to be to get anywhere. And change is so small and incremental it is easy to think you are not getting anywhere when you are really.

So don't give up is my final tip. Have 4.5yo who was v v difficult and am currently in the throes with a 2.9yo but she isn't as hard, she has language which helps a lot I think.

Kitsvegetable, we take each day as it comes. You are not alone!

I was in your shoes a year ago. Some solutions were letting her choose what to put out to wear next day, doing '123', reward charts, rewards at preschool but really things are improving now at nearly 4 because she wants to be a good girl...this was not the case at 3!! Hang in there...

Huge sympathies from me too. You are most certainly not alone

I have nothing to add to all the excellent suggestions all of which I've deployed at various times (sometimes several techniques at the same time).

I am also still stronger than him which helps

Well I have. A DS who is now 2 yr 9 months and it had hit already all of my thoughts are with you! Having had other children I know that this is just a 'stage' doesn't make they day any easier though! Mine screamed last night all the way through ds1 having a friend round for tea. His friend was shocked and I am unsure he will want to come for tea again!
A good moan always helps that is why MN is soooooo supportive at these times,no you aren't alone.
I wanted to put him in his buggy in my bedroom (downstairs)whilst we ate but decided too cruel and we endured yet another screaming fit, it must be a regular occurrence as my own children carried on as if nothing was happening! from experience girls are very good at sticking with a strop for longer and can really lay on the guilt treatment though.get some time out sometimes is my advice even if its a bath AlONE.good luck

You may find that you resolve the clothing issue and she may like my DS find something else to be defiant about,she is finding her voice as they say.! Think back to when she couldn't talk and as a parent you are willing those first words- well here hey are!!! This always makes me smile amongst the mayhem!,, 'great !!!!!'

Well I have. A DS who is now 2 yr 9 months and it had hit already all of my thoughts are with you! Having had other children I know that this is just a 'stage' doesn't make they day any easier though! Mine screamed last night all the way through ds1 having a friend round for tea. His friend was shocked and I am unsure he will want to come for tea again!
A good moan always helps that is why MN is soooooo supportive at these times,no you aren't alone.
I wanted to put him in his buggy in my bedroom (downstairs)whilst we ate but decided too cruel and we endured yet another screaming fit, it must be a regular occurrence as my own children carried on as if nothing was happening! from experience girls are very good at sticking with a strop for longer and can really lay on the guilt treatment though.get some time out sometimes is my advice even if its a bath AlONE.good luck

Yes you can do the school run in pyjamas!!!

oh dear - it's really grim isn't it?

Things we did that worked:

1. Would you like to wear x or y? and let them choose - so bypass the question of getting changed but go straight to the assumption that it's happening. Maybe draw round her on some lining paper and then get her to lay her chosen clothes on the top so she can plan 'the look' - could do this the night before if easier...

if that fails:

1. Would you like to get dressed yourself or would you like me to help you?

If that fails…

1. ok well if you haven't started getting dressed by the time i count to 10 then i will dress you. i will have to hold you tightly to ensure that i can get things on you so it will hurt if you pull against me so i suggest that you don't.

OR say fine - you will be going out in your Pjs…. and then go out in her pjs (but take her clothes with you in a bag if you'll be out for a while but don't tell her you've got them until she's begging you to go home so she can get changed. If she doesn't beg you then don't get stressed and just have her in her pjs.

My dd is jsut three and we are havign epic tantrums amd yes school ruj in pjs, coat and wellies on or just coat and in pushchair which has a cosytoes, I take hat, gloves, clothes etc so if we are heading sraight totoddlers orwhatever I can fet her dressed therr.

Simple choices and consequences.

My dd is worse whwn tired, or hungry or thirsty a welties snack and drink can avert a tantrum.

A well timed that should say...

Also dd is the youngest of 5, I have been here, doen that, my will is stronger than hers.

I always talk to her and acknowledge her felins, give her words for how she is feeling. Even if she doesnt get her own way she is listened to.