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Original poster

I just want a break

29 replies

WhisperMen · 30/12/2013 14:07

my dd is 3 weeks old today and I love her to pieces. I can't inagine being without her now. However I just feel trapped. my life now consists of feeding changing burping and rocking to sleep. I am facing the fact that this my life now. I just want an afternoon or evening to myself to go to the pub, get drunk and smoke. I just want one day to act like I did before I had dd as I have been so good since I found out I was pregnant in April.

I feel so guilty for feeling like I need space from her. she relies on me to look after her.

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Misfitless · 30/12/2013 16:15

I don't want to be judgey or to tell you what to do/what not to do, but surely getting pissed and then having to deal with a three week old baby, who is still waking up in the night, is a recipe for making you feel really shit and even more exhausted?

Why not arrange to have a few hours to yourself to have a long relaxing bath, or to visit a friend, or veg out in front of a box set? It might sound boring, but but it'll be a good chance to recharge your batteries and will still give you a rest from nappies and being needed?

Do you have a supportive partner/family who could step in and take over?

elportodelgato · 30/12/2013 16:25

Hey, I still feel like that and the DC are 5 & 3!
Seriously though, the tiny baby phase is the worst bit for not having any freedom whatsoever, partic if you are bfing, not sure if you are. I also hated not being able to go out and get drunk and have a cig, but you will do it again, and REALLY enjoy it, just probably not for a little while yet.

Tbh 3 weeks in, I would try and focus on getting a few hours here and there for a long bath, a sleep, a film, and taking care of yourself. You can have a glass of wine too, but you may have to resign yourself to not getting a huge night out until 6 months or so. I remember very clearly DH taking dc1 for the weekend when she was 6mo, and going away with my mum and getting utterly utterly drunk, eating lovely meals out, pottering round charity shops not impeded by sling or buggy, it was LOVELY to feel normal again. Not sure what I am trying to say but you will get some semblance of your old self back - I know 6 months seems like an age away but it's not

Original poster

WhisperMen · 30/12/2013 16:59

missfitless I won't actually do it. I just want to be able to without feeling guilty. never going to happen but a girl can dream.

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impatienttobemummy · 30/12/2013 17:07

Plan a big night out in the future so that you have something to look forward to! I say this a DM to a 2yr old DS and 2 week old DS!
I am going out in April! Can't bloody wait!!

StinkerBoo · 30/12/2013 17:16

I felt similar - before starting trying for DS (who was keen to be here and was conceived the first month we chucked away the contraception), I was an avid clubber. I calmed down an awful lot from my late teens / early 20s (accidently found my way into a 'proper' job and grew up a little), but prior to pregnancy and birth DH and I would go clubbing at least once a month, with associated afterparties bleeding into the next day, 2-3 festivals during summer.

I do miss it badly at points, especially as all my closest friends are still in that scene, but I keep telling myself that DS will only be a tiny dependent baby for such a short amount of time. Clubs, booze, parties and festivals, pubs, fags and other things etc will ALL still be there for us to enjoy for the rest of our lives, your little DD and my little DS will only be like this for a blink of an eye.

Hope that helps and doesn't feel too preachy - if it makes you feel better while having a wobble in hospital (was in for a longer than expected stay as DS was prem), I did seriously consider upping sticks and going out! Good old mental hormones!

Bowlersarm · 30/12/2013 17:20

That takes me back OP. it's a huge shock having a baby. People don't realise, and they forget.

Do you have anyone - DH, mil, DM, best friend, - who can have your baby for a couple of hours while you shop, sleep,,bath, anything by yourself. It'll do you the world of good just to have an hour or two without your dd.

minipie · 30/12/2013 17:21

I know just how you feel OP, I felt so trapped when dd was tiny.

I agree with advice above, plan a proper night out for the future, say in 6 months time. it will give you something to look forward to.

For now, how about just a 20 minute walk around the block while DP or someone looks after the baby. it's not much but it helps a lot IME.

At this point it feels like you will be trapped forever but it's amazing how quickly time flies and you can start getting bits of your life back. Focus on the fact that this is a short part of your and her life, you will have lots of years in the future to go to the pub. Easier said than done when you still have to get through this stage I know!

Norfolknway · 30/12/2013 17:45

Awww mate!

I was like this with DD1 (she's 2.6 now and I have an 8 week old too)

I think once I'd resigned myself to the fact I probably wouldn't be going out for a few months, I relaxed a bit!!
It seems like forever at the time, but it's such a small amount of time really!

I remember going to my 2 bestmates wedding when she was 6 weeks, I came home at 10:30pm...totally not me (well, the pre kids me!!)

It won't be long til you can go out and feel like your old self...promise :-) xx

Original poster

WhisperMen · 30/12/2013 18:07

I don't even really want to go out I dont think. I just want to be able to iyswim?
I think I am just freaking out a bit about realising this is my life now. dp has two weeks off work on Friday so I'll see about getting a break then. I sound like a right whingebag. I promise I love dd to bits but life is so much harder now. especially as she seems to have a touch of colic so wants cuddling all of the time.

OP posts:

waterrat · 30/12/2013 18:32

Whisper - try to keep reminding yourself what a tiny tiny part of your life this high dependent baby bit is - it goes so so quickly - I would say that from about 6-8 months I felt more relaxed leaving ds - to be honest there were lots of little stages at which it got easier before then too ...

In the scale of your whole life this bit doesn't last long - and you will really appreciate it when you do get I go have that pint!

My personal advice would be not to fight the way things are - it is a demanding time and you will cope better if you give in focus on it and sleep during any time away from the baby rather than try to get out

You will be back to having some freedom and time for you so muh quicker than you can imagine now

waterrat · 30/12/2013 18:33

Also - do hand baby over to your dp and walk our for fresh air: sit in a cafe and read te paper even if you only get half an hour - it's important to have breathing space

Thurlow · 30/12/2013 18:43

This sounds so, so normal. It is a massive change and I remember sterilising bottles one night and thinking, "Jesus Christ, I'm stuck in Groundhog Day" and just sobbing.

IMHO, one of the hardest things about being a parent is coming to realise that everything changes and the things that you took for granted for decades are no longer possible. It's not until you actually have a baby that this becomes real.

DC is 2 in a month and I still struggle some days with the fact that they just won't do what you ask them to do

At 3w absolutely everything is new and a bit of a struggle. I promise you has the weeks pass you will start to find a rhythm to your days, you'll start to find groups or walks or cafes to go to, you'll start to make new friends (if you need to) and leaving the house will no longer feel daunting and impossible. In fact, by the time the nice weather comes you'll be well up to sitting in the pub garden with a cheeky half in the sunshine for an hour!

It is going to get better. A lot better. But while your DH is off go and get a haircut and potter around the shops on your own for an hour or two.

workingtitle · 31/12/2013 01:56

Gosh I have felt like this (13week old DS here). It has started to ease a bit though now there is a little more predictability in the day so for eg I know he can go 3-4 hours between feeds so can plan things around that. But there is a relentlessness to it that is overwhelming. And you DO need space, that's perfectly ok.
Things that have got me through the early days, in case you need ideas-
Putting him in a sling in the eve and heading to the pub for a drink with DH or friends, ditto the sling and lunch or dinner out
Having DH/someone else take him out of the house for an hour so I can have a bath/nap or coffee alone
Getting out of the house every day in the morning especially

baby groups have been a saviour and there are things locally like parent &baby cinema - you might have similar?

All the best, WhisperMen, sure you're doing a fab job with your LO

TheGreatHunt · 31/12/2013 08:05

Do you have a sling? Pop her in there and get out of the house everyday. Try and get a routine going for yourself eg up, shower while your DP is home, baby up and ready. Head out for a bit eg to a baby group (even though yours is too young), shops, baby clinic etc.

Do you have any other mums you know? Just to have a sanity check! You sound lonely.

Jinglebellsforthebetter · 31/12/2013 08:20

I remember being in hospital with post- birth issues and feeding problems with DD1. The maternity hospital was 5minutes from the main nightlife area. I just wanted to get up and go out (which with the lochia, deranged no-sleep-expression and exploding, engorged boobs probably wouldn't have made me terribly attractive)

It's about coming to terms with the massive change in your life. DD is 8 now and was a much wanted baby but the enormity of being completely responsible for her hit me like a freight train.

Agree that if you can get out for a coffee,that would be great.

There is a book - What Mothers Do When It Looks Like They're Doing Nothing which struck many chords with me. Easy to read in a sleep-deprived state too!

matana · 31/12/2013 08:52

At that age babies are so portable because they sleep so much you can pretty much take them anywhere, especially if you're bfing. I packed a woollen poncho and enjoyed some nice meals out with dh when ds was a baby - more so than now he's a demanding toddler! I never used to get drunk, but certainly enjoyed a couple of glasses. Seriously, a baby does not have to mean the end of enjoying yourself if you're relaxed about it. We even took ds to some local festivals.

Original poster

WhisperMen · 31/12/2013 10:34

I don't know any other mums in real life apart from my step sister but she is ill so can't meet up with her for a bit.
I can't go out on my own with baby as I had an emcs and a little bit of my wound is still open so I've been told not to push a pram or carry baby for more than 10 minutes at a time. wo until that heals I'm a bit stuck inside I need to look into baby groups I think.

OP posts:

workingtitle · 31/12/2013 11:41

That's tough, WhisperMen. For now then I'd keep active online and post whenever you need to, that helped me feel better in the early days/nights. Any maybe start researching what baby groups etc are on so you have a plan for when you can go out.
Do you have a partner? If so do get out with him and the baby when he's around, to the pub park etc. a nice glass of wine in the pub definitely made me feel more like me in the early days. And do ask others to take the baby out for you, even for 30mins. It's lovely being home without a baby there!

motherinferior · 31/12/2013 11:46

Oh darling. You will get through this. We've all been there. Hang in there.

Thurlow · 31/12/2013 11:47

I'm going to whisper this, but I made friends on the rival site's coffee house. If there's.someone on there they might come to your house or live very near?

lifesobeautiful · 31/12/2013 12:20

I know exactly how you feel you poor thing! I had a little meltdown feeling like I was stuck in groundhog day and that my life was totally over after exactly three weeks with my first! (I also wanted to drink and smoke!) So my mum took my DS for the night when he was three weeks old - and my DH and I had a bit of wine and a loooong sleep!! Sobbed when I dropped him off as I felt like a terrible mother (which looking back is ridiculous as my mum was basically like a second mum to him even at that point) but felt so much better afterwards. Like everyone's said - you will be able to go out and have wild nights again! It's just this small time period. You'll be okay I promise!

Original poster

WhisperMen · 31/12/2013 13:13

I have been to tescos and brought chocolate so that has cheered me up a bit.
nobody can you prepare you for how hard it is. I feel like a right whinge bag
dp has two weeks off work on friday so he will give me a break then. thanks for your replies. it's good to know I'm not the only one to feel like this.

OP posts:

Thurlow · 31/12/2013 13:25

No, no one really prepares you. It's hard, it always sounds awful but when other mums are talking negatively about being a parent this is what they are trying to allude to and to prepare other women for. It just never comes across as that when you are pg - when you're pg and someone says something about bot going to the pub again you think they are being melodramatic. Then you have a newborn, want 5 mins to yourself, and suddenly you think you might never go to the pub again!

At that stage, and even for months afterwards, I found myself getting very upset by threads from mums who wouldn't/couldn't leave their baby for ten minutes. They made me feel like a shocking mum because I loved an excuse to get half an hour to myself. But neither are right or wrong, I can see that now.

lifesobeautiful · 31/12/2013 14:17

I remember a mum from my NCT class saying she missed her baby after five minutes away from him...and I thought, crap, what's wrong with me! I LOVED a few hours to myself! Still do with a 3yo and a 6mth old. I remember driving home having left my DS at my mum's for a few hours with the music blaring and a massive grin on my face!

Thurlow · 31/12/2013 14:20

Exactly! It's perfectly normal to feel like that too. I had to go to a funeral when DD was about 3 or 4wo and I might have been the only happy person at that funeral

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