3 year old's rages- I am failing her and making them worse

[Wossname]

I would love some advice from more experienced parents. My 3 year old is lovely- generally well behaved and not at all stroppy in nature. However she has recently started having the most horrendous tantrums about almost anything; she wants a toy but wont get up to get it as she wants me to do it, if her hair needs to be brushed, if I say no to literally anything. She becomes so enraged she starts hyper-ventilating, sobbing for her daddy (or for me if its dh saying no), hurling herself around. She loses control completely.

I dont know what to do. Tried the naughty step but I would have had to physically restrained her to keep her on it for more than one second as she was throwing her head back and working herself up to hysteria. Ignoring her has pleading with me not to leave her and saying that she's all on her own (she's not, i am there with her).

I am so sad that I am failing her. I used to have a terrible temper and literally could not control my emotions- I am so worried that she's inherited this rage from me. I can remember feeling utterly out of control with anger and despair up until my late teens and can vividly remember other children not wanting to play with me when I was very little as I couldnt control myself. How do I help my lovely little girl and stop her from being like I was? She deserves so much more- a mummy who can guide her and look after her properly.

You need to label her emotions for her and tell her how to manage them. So if ds kicks off I tell him he's cross and to tell me what's wrong. I do this over and over again every time and it's generally sinking in.
Leaving her to it or using the naughty step only teaches her that being angry is not a good thing. Actually being angry is perfectly normal - it's what she does with it that needs tackling. Using the naughty step, in her mind, will just make her make the link between being angry and being punished.

It's quite scary for a little one when they lose it. I find a calm voice and cuddle can help. While cuddling, I explain to ds that I know he's cross but he can tell me that (it would go along the lines of "I know you're cross", "next time what should you do?" ds now replies "tell you what's wrong/say no thank you/ask nicely" etc etc). Now when his baby sister nabs something he is capable of staying calm but saying he's cross and can he have it back please.

The book 'The Happiest Toddler on the Block' has a good way of dealing with tantrums, think it is called the Fast Food Rule, google will have the details.

Also, try to avoid triggering tantrums. Give warnings of anything she won't like 'in five minutes we need to brush your hair/leave the park, ok?' and give another one minute warning. Don't say no when you can say yes 'yes, you can go to the park, after we have had lunch/ yes you can have a biscuit, with our milk at bedtime'.

Thank you both so much- that's great, practical advice. I will definitely avoid saying 'no' and frame it differently from now on to avoid triggering a big upset. When she gets upset I will say something like 'You are cross and in a tizz, tell mummy what is making you cross'. I will explain to her that she can tell me when she feels upset.

Interestingly, my mother cannot cope with any
displays of upset or anger due to having had quite abusive parents herself, she sort of emotionally 'plays dead' until what ever it is is over. I am now wondering if this may have affected how I dealt with feeling upset when I was young. I really dont want my daughter to feel like I did.

I suspect so. If you were not allowed to express anger then not surprised that you've got a temper now. Anger is valid - its what you do with it which is important!

We try and ignore tantrums as much as possible, we tell him that we don't like how he is behaving and then just let him play it out. I think with toddlers it is acknowledging that they are experiencing extreme emotions that they dont understand. Trying to ask them to validate them is pointless because they are just completely swarmed in emotion.

As our three year old begins to calm down, I will offer him something that will calm him down, maybe putting a film on or making him a hot milky drink. Sometimes just a cuddle and a relax. I never try and make him validate his feelings or explain them to me. Because they are not reasonable, that is why it is a tantrum.

We are very firm with things we say no too, we are very clear with his options and consequences but at the same time he is just a kid, experiencing something pretty full on and that has to be instantly forgiven and moved on from.

I tell ds what he's feeling and give him a method to deal with it next time. It's not validating them, just giving then a name.

This book is great in helping you understand your child's emotional development.

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1405320362

little people have big emotions, most tantrums are genuine distress - severe disappointment like an adult being bereaved - and a 3yo will be scared at feeling out of control by these huge emotional storms. Ignoring her or using the naughty step will teach her to ignore her feelings and not share them with you.

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1405320362

Ffs why do I need to click a box?

Putting the link in works too!