11 years old and "in love" WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?????

[louise35]

My 11 year old DD has been talking on and of about her "boyfriend" at school for months. She came home from school on Friday with a letter from him that he had written to her. About an hour later he phoned her and as I listened behind the bedroom door it was like listening to a different person, she sounded so grown up. As she said goodbye I heard her say to him "I love you too". He then phoned again later and said her wanted to come to the house to see her. We have done some sort of compromise and agreed to go and pick him up on Monday from his house and take the pair of them out to the local leasure centre for a game of bowling etc. She keeps telling me that she loves him and its scaring the hell out of me. Do you think I have done the right thing by letting them spend some time together or do you think I should take the other approach and flatly refuse to let her spend any time with him at all. I don't want to be one of those mothers who starts saying "you dont know what love is at your age" etc but I also think she's a little young in my view for having a boyfriend. Should I play it cool with them and treat it as more of a "friendship" between them (which I'm hoping it will turn out to be just that) or should I be getting worried? Her "boyfriend" is also 11 which is why I am tempted not to get too worked up about the situation, if it was someone older than her then it would be a definate no no. Suggestions would be greatly appreciated

I think you're doing the right thing, she doesn't know what she's talking about and you and I know that but she doesn't. Yet. Maybe you could have a chat about love in general at some point though.

lordy loo, don't envy you this one. my feeling is to appear relaxed about the situation, but maybe try and have a few words about friendships and love with her - try to assess where she is coming from before you panic. i wouldn't refuse to let her see him otherwise you will probably pull them closer together. but hey, what do i know, i haven't reached that stage yet (3 boys under 6 years).

As the mother of a 10 year old son, what astonsihes me more than anything else is that your dd's "boyfriend" (in inverted commas to make you feel better!) is obviously saying things like "I love you" to your dd. My son is a million miles away from feeling that way about girls, let alone expressing it! The girls in his class, however, seem to behave like 14 year olds and utterly bewilder him. I am not syaing your dd is doing the running here but I am less surprised by her behaviour than by his.

If I were you, I would use the trip bowling to have a look at their relationship, see how they behave together when they think you aren't looking, etc. Hopefully, it will turn out, as you said, to just be an innocent friendship. If not, I don't know what you do.

i have a brother who is 10 (truns 11 in Oct) and he has recently gotten himself a girlfriend.

it basicly means that when they play out she is allowed to follow the boys around as she is with him.
we are of the "aww bless" opinion as there is nothing at all untoward happening. in fact my dad is activly encouraging it as this girl is a year older than DB and so he feels his macho gene must have filtered through lol

i think your handling it perfectly.

i tend to agree, my ds(12) would be just interested in friendship - he is still very naive with girls!

i remember really liking a boy when i was about 9, he wouldn't come out with me because he was watching the a-team

Thank you for that sittingbull, the reason I am being more relaxed with her is that I had the parents who never talked about relationships. I remember having a boyfriend at 12/13 and they played holy hell with me for walking down our street with our arms round each other. Sex was never ever discussed and I was made to feel that any boyfriend I had was the enemy, especially to my Dad. I made the vow that I would never bring up my child like this and have always been open about anything to do with relationships, and I love the fact that my DD will come and talk to me when something is troubling her or she needs advice. I went through the same as you sitting bull when I was about 11/12, I fell totally in love with a boy at school and was devastated when things did not work out but of course I could not talk to anyone about how I felt and as I know children seem to mature quicker these days I have to try and empathise with DD's feelings. You've made me feel much better, thank hun x

itl fizzle out, my ds11.5years has had "girlfriends"since hewas 5! ive never made a big deal of it.at the moment hes got a new girlfriend (hes gone through the whole class)he meets up when hes playing out and has toldme he kisses her cheek. hes got a "girlfriend" at the caravan park wevisit every year and last year hewrote her a very sweet love letter saying he loved her.all very innocent.ive told him when hes 13/14 i'll be putting condoms in his pants drawer just to be safe

itl fizzle out, my ds11.5years has had "girlfriends"since hewas 5! ive never made a big deal of it.at the moment hes got a new girlfriend (hes gone through the whole class)he meets up when hes playing out and has toldme he kisses her cheek. hes got a "girlfriend" at the caravan park wevisit every year and last year hewrote her a very sweet love letter saying he loved her.all very innocent.ive told him when hes 13/14 i'll be putting condoms in his pants drawer just to be safe

itl fizzle out, my ds11.5years has had "girlfriends"since hewas 5! ive never made a big deal of it.at the moment hes got a new girlfriend (hes gone through the whole class)he meets up when hes playing out and has toldme he kisses her cheek. hes got a "girlfriend" at the caravan park wevisit every year and last year hewrote her a very sweet love letter saying he loved her.all very innocent.ive told him when hes 13/14 i'll be putting condoms in his pants drawer just to be safe

itl fizzle out, my ds11.5years has had "girlfriends"since hewas 5! ive never made a big deal of it.at the moment hes got a new girlfriend (hes gone through the whole class)he meets up when hes playing out and has toldme he kisses her cheek. hes got a "girlfriend" at the caravan park wevisit every year and last year hewrote her a very sweet love letter saying he loved her.all very innocent.ive told him when hes 13/14 i'll be putting condoms in his pants drawer just to be safe

oops

blooming heck 7up you're a bit enthusiastic hun

Just to add though although I'm trying to be relaxed it still scares me at the thought of my baby growing up

sorry

Don't be sorry, we need enthusiastic posters, its nice to see people trying to help me

i'm waiting for my ds(12) to get a girlfriend!

By the way I've just been to check on her in bed and found a little note that she has made for the boy in question on the computer. I'm not going to show my DH though as he is not quite as tolerant as me. She's still Daddy's little girl to him.

I had a boyfriend at 12 Brendan he was called He wrote me love notes...that my dad produced on my wedding day (It wasn't brendan that I was married to BTW!)

Right, I'm back with an update. He had bought DD a beautiful "love is" keyring that she came out of school proudly showing me. The "date" went really well, they both behaved well, a little giddy at times but most of the time they were really sensible although they both spent £20 each on amusements, games etc. There was no funny business IFKWIM, they behaved more like friends than anything else really. There are a couple of things that are niggling me though and I need a bit more advice. The boy in question actually lives with his grandparents. When I asked him about his parents, he told me that when he was 8 he found out that his Dad was gay, which is absolutely fine but when I asked about his Mum, I discovered that she is actually in prison for drug related offences and he told me she is a "bad person". Then in the car on the way home I was shocked to hear him say "I hate pakis". (sorry for using this word but I'm telling it like he said it). I severely reprimanded him for his choice of words and he replied "but I do hate them". By this time I nearly lost my rag with him and told him in no uncertain terms that I do not believe in hating people for the colour of their skin and I found his choice of words offensive. I dont know whether this boy has been influenced by his lifestyle as it sounds like he has probably had it a bit rough and I try not to judge people but I am starting to wonder whether I want my DD to be getting too involved with him. I am certainly not a snob but I care deeply about my child and I feel completely on edge now. Should I try to wind this friendship down myself or leave my DD to it and let her make up her own mind as to whether she wishes to continue to see this boy. It has also transpired that my DD has been taking some ridicule at school for seeing this boy so I'm now wondering what sort of reputation he has at school. Wise words needed please

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I've already spoken to her about how she feels about his comments, and I expressed my concern about it and she replied "but I love him". It did not help matters either when I dropped them off at his grandparents that his Nan started saying "next time they go out I'll drive them there". So obviously the kids now think there is going to be another outing. In the back of my mind I was thinking to myself "I hope there isn't a next time" but ultimately I think I want my DD to make the choice and see for herself that the friendship is maybe not going to work due to different opinions. My DD is a lovely girl who tends to try to see the best in everyone and is very forgiving so I think its maybe just a matter of letting the friendship/relationship run its course and spending more time with him he will maybe start to see things in him that she does not like that she has probably not had the time to notice in the confines of school.