11 years old and "in love" WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?????

[louise35]

My 11 year old DD has been talking on and of about her "boyfriend" at school for months. She came home from school on Friday with a letter from him that he had written to her. About an hour later he phoned her and as I listened behind the bedroom door it was like listening to a different person, she sounded so grown up. As she said goodbye I heard her say to him "I love you too". He then phoned again later and said her wanted to come to the house to see her. We have done some sort of compromise and agreed to go and pick him up on Monday from his house and take the pair of them out to the local leasure centre for a game of bowling etc. She keeps telling me that she loves him and its scaring the hell out of me. Do you think I have done the right thing by letting them spend some time together or do you think I should take the other approach and flatly refuse to let her spend any time with him at all. I don't want to be one of those mothers who starts saying "you dont know what love is at your age" etc but I also think she's a little young in my view for having a boyfriend. Should I play it cool with them and treat it as more of a "friendship" between them (which I'm hoping it will turn out to be just that) or should I be getting worried? Her "boyfriend" is also 11 which is why I am tempted not to get too worked up about the situation, if it was someone older than her then it would be a definate no no. Suggestions would be greatly appreciated

she not he

hi,lou.my.space.bars.broke.so.excuse.full.stops!

personally.i.think.that.if.the.lad.has.been.bought.up.listening.to.adults.slagging.off.coloured.people.then.its.really.not.his.fault

hes.probably.a.really.nice.boy.whos.had.quite.a.tough.life.like.you.say.

it.will.fizzle.out,their.too.young.for.it.too.last.long(i.would.have.thought.anyway!)

Perhaps the time to tell your DD that men are sometime brutes that can be polished into diamonds?

I think that as long as she understands that sort of comments is not on, she may even be a good influence for the boy.

I believe you are doing great, can't agree more with Sittingbull post.

Her phoned her again today just to ask how she was. She'd seen him at school only 30 minutes before the phone call LOL, thats young love for you I suppose. DD spoke to him at school today about his behaviour last night and he has promised her that he will try to "behave a little more grown up"!!. Certainly looks like she will be wearing the trousers in this friendship so to speak clever girl!!!

It really sounds like you have a sensible, caring dd and hopefully she will be a good influence on him rather than him being a bad influence on her iyswim.

My dd is 13 and i am finding that boys on the scene really hard. They grow up so fast and i am having trouble dealing with it - she insists they are just friends. Can't get used to them phoning and knocking for her.

Good luck, i expect we have got a lot more to come!

louise can I just say that I think that you are handling this really well. And the fact that she "will be wearing the trousers" is reassuring that she is confident and not going to be manipulated which must be a relief to you.

Just an update, they broke up yesterday (he dunmped her and I must admit I was slightly relieved) but today at school he had to be phyically removed from her classroom by her form teacher as he was "stalking" her at school. He has ruined her last day at junior school by following her round in a really creepy way and then sitting next to her in her classroom begging her to take him back. She had to beg her teacher to make him go away and he kept refusing and saying "I'm not leaving until she takes me back . The teacher had to physically get hold of him and remove him from her form room. She found it all really upsetting. I think this boy does not really know what he wants but my DD has made it clear that his recent behaviour is not acceptable and that she wants no more to do with him. So thats another chapter closed but another one has blooming well opened now. Another boy in her yeat has been making really offensive sexual suggestions to DD at school and for the last 3 nights he has turned up at our house, sometimes twice a night. I DO NOT LIKE HIM. He looks really shifty and he is very big for his age, he looks about 15. My DD went to the shop with her friend tonight and he was lurking at the top of our street trying to get her to go with him. I am getting really worked up as I write this and I want to go and throttle this boy because the things he has been saying he wants to do to her are disgustung. (whats wrong with them, they are ony 11 FGS!!) My DD is a very pretty girl and is starting to attract lots of attention from boys which she can handle but this particular one is vile. Any suggestions on what to say to him if he turns up at the house again???? My DH has answered the foor to him and has been civil with him but if this carries on and he turns up again I am afraid I may try to strangle him lol. What can I say to him to make it cleat that he is not welcome at our home without causing trouble for DD???

Oh and just to think I've now got 6 weeks of school holidays, even more chance for him to keep showing up

Making sexually crude remarks to your dd is just totally unacceptable and he needs to learn fast that he just cannot do this. It is harassment. Can you speak to his parents?

You seem really sensible and I hope I can be as level-headed as you when my two dds reach 11. I do think we need to provide girls with survival strategies against this sort of thing. It might be worth asking how other women on MN have handled this sort of remark (which I'm sure we all have had). For my part I think it depends on context - and I've tried the whole gamut of strategies - from an embarrassing put-down to ignoring it. If sensible talking to him doesn't work - could she get a group of her friends to turn around and laugh at him?...just an idea...

Thank or your reply Hex. Apparently this boy is from a bit of a rough family and judging by the way he walks about and his cocky attitude I think a sensible talk will probably be lost on him. I may try the laughing at him tactic and see if that works. If not I think I may have to let DH deal with him. DH has been civil with him so far but this lad is just not getting the message and keeps coming back so I think the civility will have to go out of the window on this one and we may just have to tell him in no uncertain terms to sod off as this is probably the only way to get rid of him. I dont have a problem with boys coming to the house to see DD, she has friends where we live who are boys and they go skateboarding etc. Its just creeps like this one who are shifty and cocky and using explicit sexual terms towards an 11 year old girl I just will not tolerate. I can remember I had a very similar experience at school when I was the same age and a lad who was very advanced for his age (he had stubble at 11) developed a fixation with me for some reason and when I was having none of it he turned nasty and got hold of me and shoved me into a wall with an exposed piece of metal sticking out of it, I had the most horrendous bruise down the whole of my leg and could hardly walk. My Dad saw it and the next day he caught up with the lad and walked him all the way down to school by the scruff of his neck with his feet hardly touching the floor, god knows what Dad said to him but he never bothered me again after that. Obviously we cannot do that nowadays so we'll deal with it the best way we can and if we have to involve the parents then so be it. I just keep thinking, god if its this bad at 11 what it going to be like when she's 16!!

blimey, could you tell him you're going to call the police, or he may get bored if he's ignored for a bit?

OMG I've turned into a curtain twitcher. I'm watching for the shaven headed shirtless foul mouthed hooligan to come down to our house knocking on our door, DH is at work so I'll have to deal with him But guess what, I've got PMT, he'll not want to mess with me today .

what a pain!

Did he turn up? How is your daughter taking it all now? Hope she's okay.

Thanks for your replies, I've just read then as I've been on the pets thread tonight as I lost one of my beloved bunnies this afternoon and have been heartbroken but thats another story. Hex, no he never showed up today but I kept my eye out for him. Sittingbull, my DD does gymnstics and synchronised swimming so she is physically very fit and thereore confident in her abilities. She is physically very strong for an 11 year old so I think if anyone got hold of her she would give them a good run for their money. I agree tht kids who do some kind of sport generally are confident and happy, well I would agree that this is the case with my DD. My worry about this particular boy is that he is at least a foot taller than DD and looks much older than his age so I dont even think she would stand a chance if he got hold of her which is my worst fear. He looks the type to do just that too. I'll see what happens tomorrow, hopefully he may have got the message by now. I found out today that yesterday some of the boys in our street saw him hanging around our house and they did us the favour of telling him our DD was not in and they all stood there and stared at him until he went away. It turned out that they did not like the look of him either so I am very grateful to them. There really are some nice young lads out there. I'll keep you posted.

Hi there Louise35

I would never make it a no no despite the age he is, as it will just lead her to reject you and rebel anyway.

I wathched a lot of friends at school do this. I thin you just have to talk and tell her you know she will make the responsible choices.The more you say that, she will feel like she doesn't want to let you down. A bit of reverse psychology going on..

It's such a hard situation, and I worry already about mine reaching that stage.