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Parenting

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Original poster

"I did x with my kids and they grew up fine"

38 replies

beccala · 15/12/2013 21:09

Argh! This type of comment is driving me mad! Here are some examples I've had:

"I weaned you at 3 months and you're fine"
"I gave [DP] salt when he was a baby and look at him now, big and healthy!"
"Why don't you give her formula? You had formula, never did you any harm"
"Why are you making life hard for yourself with a routine? I didn't do it that way..."
"Ooh you should never wake a sleeping baby"
"We always used cot bumpers, never did [DP] any harm"

AIBU to find this type of comment really upsetting? I always thought becoming a parent would be hard, and yet the things I thought would be hard (sleepless nights etc) are not that bad, and things that never occurred to me (like these types of comments) I am finding hardest to take.

Putting myself in their position, I think the people providing these nuggets of wisdom may feel criticised that I'm doing things differently to them. My view is that as a mother, you try to do the best you can for your child with the information you have available at the time. That means that they did the best they could with info they had 30 odd years ago, but I have updated information so I am doing best I can with the help of that updated info. I wish they understood that and we're supportive.

Sorry for ranty post...

What do you lot think?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 15/12/2013 21:13

Well, you are kind of assuming in your post that everything you are doing is 'better'. In some cases it is - salt, weaning, etc. But other things - routine or not, waking a sleeping baby - are pure and simple parental preference. So I'd re-think the "You did the best on what you knew" approach a wee bit.

But leaving that aside, I don't think you are being unreasonable, but you are possibly being over sensitive. Parenting is a lifetime of unsolicited advice. If you let it get to you you will lose your mind before your kids reach school. Smile, nod, politely correct the medically incorrect if you have the energy and otherwise ignore.

Original poster

beccala · 15/12/2013 21:17

Sorry penguin, you're right my post does sound a little arrogant doesn't it, like I know better - wasn't meant to - I know a lot of it is preference. I guess I'd just like that preference to be respected rather than put down.

DP says I'm being over sensitive too.

OP posts:

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 15/12/2013 21:19

No worries. I understand that it's easy to get your phrasing wrong and come across in a way you didn't mean to.

Honestly, the quicker you learn that a mother's place is in the wrong and get on with doing things your way, the happier you will be.

It sounds trite, but being a parent brings a tidal wave of advice. If you keep in mind that most is well-meaning and let it wash over you, you can enjoy yourself more.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/12/2013 21:23

Whilst I understand your irritation at this phrase, it is worth remembering that you don't have to expect perfection from yourself as a parent. I am not saying that you shouldn't do your best, but if you want to do everything perfectly, and to follow all the latest advice to the letter, frankly that way madness lies.

Maybe what you can take from the 'I did X...' phrase is the fact that, even if you don't do the whole parenting thing perfectly, it won't be a disaster, your children will grow up just fine, and will still love you even if you did wean them a bit early, or use disposable nappies, give them formula, or didn't always remember their PE kit or their spellings.

SteamWisher · 15/12/2013 21:24

Yes that's fine they can say that, but you do it your preferred way. I bet they didn't do it as their parents did.

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 15/12/2013 21:24

People always say this sort of stuff.
Id practise saying and thats great but we all have the right to do things the way we prefer and i am happy with the way i am doing things .
Some folks seem to interpret any choice to not follow their instructions/suggestions/choices exactly as a personal criticism of them

Eletheomel · 15/12/2013 21:25

In my experience, when you have your first baby people (usually random relatives and inlaws) barrage you with crap advice/stories that you have no interest in (subtly criticising your parenting choices by underlining the different choices they made). They treat you like a numpty and feel obliged to 'help' you by critiquing you - it's bollocks and it (esp my inlaws) totally pissed me off ("don't pick up your crying 4 month old child, you're only making a rod for your own back" - feck off)

However, pleased to say that when you have number 2, the unsolicited advice totally stops (well, it did for me) as most folk seem to accept that you're comfortable in your choices and as you've done it before they leave you alone.

I don't think you're being oversensitive, I think generally people are bloody rude, insensitive and patronising when you have a baby and then they have the cheek to blame your hormones for getting peed off.

Bakerof3pudsxx · 15/12/2013 21:25

Just ignore them

I have three dc and still older people will tell me I don't know what I'm on about

I really couldn't care less

Oblomov · 15/12/2013 21:27

I too don't know why you are taking it to heart.
I have had it said to me.
And I even said it to my friend this week, when she asked: " I did a/b/c. I not saying you should, but I did".

Sammie101 · 15/12/2013 21:30

I HATE this!

Yesterday I had the following conversation with my mum:

Mum: Have you not tried leaving her to cry herself to sleep yet?

Me: No I don't really want to do that.

Mum: smirk you'll soon learn. I did it with all of my children

I just felt like she was criticising the way I parent my own child! Nothing against anyone that choses CIO but personally it's not something I can do! Apparently though I will see the error of my foolish, naive ways

TheBookofRuth · 15/12/2013 21:31

My MIL manages to be simultaneously convinced that I'm absolutely ruining my DD with the way I'm bringing her up, and to also absolutely worship her and think she's the best child EVER - but apparently that has nothing to do with me!

Ignore them all, for the sake of your sanity.

Yama · 15/12/2013 21:35

My Mum is lovely. She told me how much pressure there was for Mothers in the 1970's to formula feed. She said, "I just looked at the list of vitamins on the side of the box and thought 'how could my milk possibly be as good as that?'"

I was so rigid in my following of (what was) current guidelines that I took no heed of her advice.

I do worry about my following of what was up-to-date guidelines and that the advice will be superseded and I will have been wrong. I do sometimes worry that my children didn't get enough vitamin B or whatever in their first year.

Yes, the comments are annoying but perhaps we will be the same one day, unable to help ourselves.

brettgirl2 · 15/12/2013 21:35

It annoyed me too. Just to keep it in perspective though I could barely remember what it was like to have a newborn when dd2 arrived less than 3 years after her sister. It seriously made me question dm/ dmil's accounts of 35 years ago. The other one that gets me is 'I raised 2 I know what I'm doing' errr yes if I thought otherwise you wouldn't be looking after lo for me would you? But she will need a bottle at between 11 and 12 .

goodtimesinbontemps · 15/12/2013 21:39

Just think your dd will be saying the same about the advice you try and give her in 20 odd years time ;)

RightInTheKisser · 15/12/2013 21:43

I get this from various relations. Smile and ignore!

Grandma- "I gave all 6 of my children anything they wanted to drink. Fizzy, squash. Whatever they wanted. Never did them any harm."

Me- smile sweetly whilst in my head thinking hmmm, then why have they all spent hundreds of pounds on dentistry work, have teeth missing and all teeth held together with fillings?

DAunt - "just let him sleep every night in his car seat if that's where he sleeps best. Never did my DS any harm."

Me- smile sweetly whilst thinking hmmm DCousin has a curved spine and back problems having this year had a scan.

DISCLAIMER- I am NOT saying that these problems are caused by the relatives. More that it may have been an avoidable contributing factor. Which I am choosing as a parent to avoid myself. JUST IN CASE.

waceystills · 16/12/2013 08:55

Totally with you OP. My mum is full of advice. She says "they keep changing what you're supposed to do all the time" and does not or will not acknowledge that it is new research being available that means guidelines change

Just as it does for many different fields relating to health.

I won't leave my baby to cry, make him wait 3 hours to be fed if he's hungry or give him solids at 12 weeks, no matter how many 'rods for my own back" I am creating.

If my mum were to be believed I'd have enough rods by now to go to the moon and back. (As well as a happy healthy sleep mad baby).

MiaowTheCat · 16/12/2013 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eletheomel · 16/12/2013 09:53

You must have really nice inlaws miaow - I should introduce you to mine...

TravelinColour · 16/12/2013 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MummyBeerestCupOfCheerest · 16/12/2013 10:03

I get this constantly. I know it shouldn't bother you, but to hear it all the time is trying, to say the very least.

They're not there at 4 a.m. for the fallout. Grain of salt and all that jazz.

cory · 16/12/2013 10:59

Well, if it's any consolation, it will seem no time before you are faced by the next generation of baby rearets who look at you in horror when you admit that you kept your baby to a routine or woke them up when they were asleep.

And you may well find yourself muttering defensively "well, it doesn't seem to have done them any harm".

Anyway, a lot of it is just conversation. If you tell them "I am doing x, y, zl" they may well think it's a normal conversational exchange to say "oh, I did a, b and c". Otherwise, it wouldn't be a conversation but a monologue.

rrreow · 16/12/2013 12:03

You're the parent, you do it your way. The only person you need to come to an agreement with (if your opinions differ) is your DH/DP if there is one.

Also, whenever people say "and I/you/they turned out fine", you can point out that their sample size is one and that's hardly scientific proof.

littlecrystal · 16/12/2013 12:54

I'd say smile and ignore but sometimes their advice can be useful. So, listen as well.
The best advice given from my friend from an older generation, who looked after my ill DS2 several days.

"Don't allow him running without slippers at home, keep his slippers on".
DS2 stopped being constantly ill with colds after this. Apparently the floor was draught and cold and it kept his feet cold. This advice was worth of all gold.

FluffyJumper · 17/12/2013 23:39

I only got this from my mother. I just gritted my teeth and had imaginary conversations where I told her exactly where I thought she was coming from and never actually said a word.

Lasted about 3 years then stopped.

NaturalBaby · 17/12/2013 23:48

I hate this too. I want to ask them if they have done a scientific study on the effects of their parenting decision in question, which would of course compare the results of their parenting with the results of not doing x. Their kids may be fine but they may be a tiny bit happier/smarter/thinner/more beautiful/wealthy/hairier if they parented differently.

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