"I did x with my kids and they grew up fine"

[beccala]

Argh! This type of comment is driving me mad! Here are some examples I've had:

"I weaned you at 3 months and you're fine"
"I gave [DP] salt when he was a baby and look at him now, big and healthy!"
"Why don't you give her formula? You had formula, never did you any harm"
"Why are you making life hard for yourself with a routine? I didn't do it that way..."
"Ooh you should never wake a sleeping baby"
"We always used cot bumpers, never did [DP] any harm"

AIBU to find this type of comment really upsetting? I always thought becoming a parent would be hard, and yet the things I thought would be hard (sleepless nights etc) are not that bad, and things that never occurred to me (like these types of comments) I am finding hardest to take.

Putting myself in their position, I think the people providing these nuggets of wisdom may feel criticised that I'm doing things differently to them. My view is that as a mother, you try to do the best you can for your child with the information you have available at the time. That means that they did the best they could with info they had 30 odd years ago, but I have updated information so I am doing best I can with the help of that updated info. I wish they understood that and we're supportive.

Sorry for ranty post...

What do you lot think?

I think sometimes the DM/MIL generation want to reminisce about their own babies.
My MIL can go on about how she used to do things, which is the direct opposite of what I'm currently doing, but I think she's just taking a trip down memory lane. I'm happy to listen (and carry on doing things the way I prefer).

Agree it's annoying and agree you should feel free to make your own mind up. Some parents tend to have selective memories anyway.

Have to admit though I've found it equally annoying when other mothers of my own generation have told me I ought to be co-sleeping, feeding on demand, keeping baby attached to me all day in a sling, breast feeding till 2 yrs old, baby led weaning with entirely organic fresh food and that I'm a terrible parent for having dared to let evil formula or Ellas pouches past my childs lips.
Some people are just evangelical about their parenting styles. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Your child, your choice.

Hooty, I think you've hit the nail on the head there. My first baby was born 26 years ago and things were done differently then. The only chance I really get to reminisce about how it felt to be a new mum, is with new mums.
I do have the benefit of knowing that advice on just about everything had changed by the time DS2 arrived 13 years later though, so I realise that its all probably moved on again since!

I have encountered this a few times 'ooh, I don't know how you survived, haha'. It drives me mad! I tend to point out that whilst hundreds of people can say things like 'my dc slept on their tummies/didn't have car seats and were fine', child deaths from SIDS and car accidents have been significantly reduced by up to date safety advice, therefore I prefer to follow current guidelines along with common sense and my personal preferences. I know plenty of things aren't a matter of life and death like those examples - early weaning, crying to sleep etc aren't equivalent to not wearing a seat belt but I think it helps to point out that things change and a lot of these changes are for the better so why not take up to date research into account when making decisions rather than blindly following what the previous generation did?

I had my first DC 25 years ago. By the time I had my 3rd 11 years ago, pretty much everything had changed. I admit, I have used a variety of tactics mixing the current (at the time) recommendations and what I found worked for me.

Obviously, things like not having car seats with DS, seems horrific now. Other things like sleeping, weaning etc, by my 3rd I was more relaxed and went with the flow. One of my DC was born around the time of the Anne Diamond campaign about cot death and the fear and confusion about what the "right" thing to do was, was awful.

Now, as a grandma, times have moved on, I like to think that I keep abreast of current guidelines, however it is difficult to be told that having raised 3 children, you did it all wrong and know nothing.

I try not to offer advice, unless it is asked for, and even then I would prefix it with "I don't know what they advise anymore but this is what worked for me...."

Small sample size! Not statistically significant!

Downton I value advice from parents/in laws particularly phrased as 'that's what worked for me'. It's the dismissive 'I did it and my children were fine' that annoys me. For example, my dad is really lax with hygiene. He doesn't bother washing fruit or veg, he isn't careful when preparing raw meat and handling other foods. I guess I was fine growing up and didn't get food poisoning but it doesn't mean I am happy for him to take that risk with my son, especially when he was just weaning and I was extra careful with hygiene.

It is incredibly difficult to watch someone struggling because they have been told how they should be doing something, because babies don't know the rules do they?

For example, with my DS ( I think, it all blends into one) I was told to feed him 4 hourly. There was no suggestion of feeding on demand. It was all routine. Well, he was hungry. As a new mum, I didn't know what I was doing wrong. Until someone told me it was ok to feed him more often because he was a big baby and just wanted more. That sounds ridiculous now, but at the time I felt I was failing him.

Obviously hygiene, safety, medical advice you have to go with current advice, but even then, current advice is not the definitive answer. There is no such thing, there are things we know now, that we did not know 25 years ago and there are things that we will know in another 25 years and wonder why we did what we are doing now.

The reason op is irritated by these comments is possibly that she is finding her own feet as a new mum, I know it was like that for me with dc1. By the time dc2 comes along she will have it all sassed out and know which advice can be useful and which comments to ignore.

I was veeeeeery pfb with dc1 (still am a bit) and thought i knew best and took everything veeery serious but was also quite tense around pil and my own parents not welcoming any advice at all ( i was a pain in the backside basically); now i am actively working on being a more chilled out mum than a 'perfect' one as I fear that I will become one of those overbearing grandparents with lots of firm ideas about how it's done when my two have children. That thought scares me .

My mil is the queen of this and tbh it's nearly split up me and Dh. When dd was a couple of months old she took great glee in saying everything I did was wrong, how dd should have direct sunlight (July in south of France!!!) as 'babies need vitamin d' and how lovely it is for babies to be 'as brown as berries'.

My mum starts everything with 'I don't know the current advice but x worked for me' which doesn't bug me half so much

Definitely Downton - I often wonder what my dc will be horrified to learn I did with them!

On the other side of the coin I can imagine it's quite frustrating to see someone struggle when you know a solution to their struggle.

My DM makes funny comments even now and my dc are almost 8 and 6. The most funny memorable one was a couple of years ago on holiday (never go on holiday with your dc and parents) "I would never let you eat croissants with two hands they will have 2 greasy hands now tut tut tell them to only hold it with one"

But then with babies everyone who's had a baby figured out what worked for them and want to pass the advice along. For instance I had a friend who didn't do bedtimes and as a consequence her toddler would sleep all the next day and be over tired and fractious. It was so hard to not point out well if you implemented a bedtime you would all sleep better and you wouldn't get the tantrums. Or if you feed every four hours you can plan stuff and not be late as you didn't realise your baby would be hungry at the time your leaving the house to meet me. It is hard to bite your tongue when you think you know best.