At my wits end with 4 month old!!! - advice needed!

[stumpsxo]

My DD is stressing me and not just the way baby should. Im literally on my last straws I can't take much more of this. Yes im a first time mum before anyone asks and passes judgement (usualy happens
s).

Shes 4 month old and quite possibly the most clingy baby in the world. Before anyone says babys at 4 months old cant get seperation anxiety and cant be manipulative... oh yes they bloody well can.

Every single day she is around her dad not just me too. She has family come see her every weekend.She should be fine, its not like shes only with me 24/7. If I leave the room for more then 15 mins (washing up say) she cries almost screams until I come back in and take her. Then what do I get from her? A face full of smiles. No matter who I leave her wwith she doesnt have any of it. Me and my mum popped out shopping left her with her dad. I got a phone call 45 mins later saying I need to come home because she hasnt stopped crying since I left. I come home pick her up and she falls straight asleep.

Yeah things are hard with babies and sometimes you need a break, whether its an hour or so shopping or a long bath. I have plenty of people who are willing to help me and I wish I could snap them up but she will not settle with anyone else at all. The only time I can leave her to do anything is if shes asleep. And at four months old she sleeps at about an hour max during the day.

She wont take a bottle from anyone else but me including her dad who lives with us!! She also will not sleep on her own, yes co sleeping is bad. But since age of about 2 and half months shes been waking every hour if I put her down. One night I fell asleep with her and we got full 8 hours. I was so exhausted I didnt care and did it for the rest of the week to catch up on sleep. She now will not sleep on her own at all. She just stirrers until I pick her up, ive tried leaving her but it got to the point of a few hours and come to concultion it wasnt going to happen.

Asif that isnt all hard enough on me having to have her with me every second of every day she's now being very fussy. She will winge and winge she hungry but sometimes refuses to rake her bottle. I would say its colic bit shehad colic and I gave her gripe water everyday which worked and I still do that to this day. So if its colic theres nothing I can. I wind her for ages and nothing but tears, colic drops dont work, neither doea rubbing her tummy. But in all honesty, to me it looks like she just plainly doesnt want her bottle. She refuses to have it unless she is starving.

Past week ive also been quite ill with flue and tonsillitis so im completely run down and exhausted. I wanted my boyfriend (dad) to have her tonight so I can get full nights sleep that I havent had in 2 months now and it failed. I ended up with even less sleep. Im completely at my lowest point.

Im really fed up of having to take into every room with me, fed up of having to do everything I NEED to do when shes asleep (never). Tired of having no sleep, no time to even have a conversation with my boyfriend. I love her to bits, I can take some fussyness and I knew it wouldnt be easy. I was expecting all kids when becoming a mum. But this, is something else. I havent been out the house in 2 months, first time I got to last week I had to rush straight home due to her crying for me. :( someone please say there's something I can do about all this!

Ive taken her doctors in the past hoping they can tell me and all they turn around and say is 'shes perfectly fine, maybe a bit of colic. Get some colic drops' yeah cheers for that mr obvious!!!!

Its getting to the point im getting seriously depressed. Im trying very hard with her and trying everything I can and none of it just seems to work. :'(

I apologise and typing or spelling errors, im currently half asleep from 4 hours sleep and have a throbing headache.

I'm really sorry I have no useful advice but just wanted to say you are doing a cracking job holding it all together. My dd was a bottle refused until 6 months where she just changed her mind.they are such h determined little buggers aren't they.

My ds was a lot like this. It is bloody hard work! - and he was completely opposite to my dd who was easiest baby in the world!

Some ideas...

Dummy?
Have you investigated silent reflux?

Thank you! I was holding it together just. Then I got ill and now not so much haha. They are very very stubborn. I thought it could be that she's ready to wean why she refusing her bottle but everyone ive asked has just pretty much had a go at me because they should start trying baby rice etc until there six months -.-

Fairylea oh bless its so hard isnt it! I never thought reflux, I google into it now. Why has doctor not suggest that to me! And she does have her dummy, bout the only thing that works. But shes a sod for just letting it fall out her mouth constantly so I still have to always go back to her and put it back in for her. So even thought it keeps her quite still doesnt make it much easier. :(

If you are Ill you need someone else to take over and give you a break. You must look after your health as well. When being looked after by someone else they could try an open cup of milk or a shot glass or feeding the baby in a different position to you ie sitting up or in a high chair. I know this has worked for some people.

But at the end of the day someone needs to try harder than 45 mins to give you a break. Even if they give up on milk and distract her with play.

Get a sling! Strap her to you and get on with your life. It is a bit awkward but my friend even mastered the art of mucking out stables and grooming horses with clingy baby in a sling. She also would just leave the baby to cry in the car seat while she rode. Baby would cry/scream for 35-40 mins but my friend always returned after this time and eventually her baby began to realise it was ok and she self-soothed until my friend returned. Literal baby steps to a happy, confident toddler who is very happy now staying with dad! It was tough though... Sometimes we all felt like we needed ear plugs!

Soundsike you need to get her examined for silent reflux prescription meds can help with this but they can also cause none thinning hence needing to be prescribed monitored

I know it's not what you want to hear, but everything sounds pretty normal. I just want to reassure you that you're not doing anything wrong and that you've not broken your baby.

There will come a time when you're not the favourite parent (my 2 year old couldn't give two hoots about me any more - daddy and nanny can do no wrong though).

Do you have a sling? A nice stretchy Moby wrap, or similar is fabulous. Tie your baby to you and get in with what you need to do.

Have you talked to your health visitor? I think you should it is really hard at this age and when your ill it's almost impossible at times.

Here are some things we tried ( I was ill for the first nine months with Dd 1)

Infacol is good for wind and colic. You use it with every feed and it builds up over a week.
Calpol and anbesol liquid if she's teething.
An automatic swing ( most babies go to sleep quite quickly in one). Try to beg, borrow or charity shop as quite expensive. Ours was a Graco, it was a life saver.
Bedtime routine, ie. feed, bath, warm towel, warm the cot with a hot water bottle (remove before put baby in), and do this every night.

I also used ear plugs so when I was asleep I only heard her when she was actually crying and not every little whimper.

Lastly this will be a short lived phase, look after yourself, don't be too hard on yourself it will get better as soon as she can amuse herself a little.

Cluelessnewbie1 I know. No one put up with her though apart from me. Im the only one who can deal with her. And I can tell all this stress is relly having bad effects on my health. I feel terrible constantly! :( I'll give that a go, I'll get my boyfriend to try dome different feeding techniques tonight thank you!

Ehhn yeah I was going to get one. I'll look at ordering one tonight. Are they expensive? Oh realky? How my times did it take for her to start self soothing do you know? It looks like its my only option but to try a persist with crying it out.. I just cant stand it though. I end up crying the whole time she does! Haha

Turcoise blue I will do. I'll make a doctors appointment today and im going to refuse to leave until they tell me why she is being the way she is! Im not getting fobbed of for the 3rd time!!! Thank you :)

Ghostdonttalk we used infocol but didnt do anything for her, we use gripe water worked a treat until this week. We have a baby swing, got it for that reason. doesnt do much for her im afraid :( and I cant bath her of an evening as just screams the whole time. I have to bath her of the mornings now. Ive literally tried everythi g haha :(

Im really hoping this wont last much longer!! :(

My baby was like this for a while so I feel your pain....I promise it will pass and eventually she won't even want to give you a cuddle :(

It's short lived, usually at about 6 months they become more aware of things. ...she's still so little and you are are the only safe haven in a big bad scary world in her eyes.

I agree with the sling and I used to just let DD cry if i needed to go to the loo or cook. ...she's not manipulating you....you're just her favourite person and she feels safe when you're there.

P.s
Id speak to your gp and your anxiety, they may be able to help.

nancerama oh bless haha but thank you. Gosh, not being the fav parent sounds so good right now! Haha

It's a bit woo and I've never tried it but people swear by cranial osteopathy for unsettled babies, might be worth a try?

If a dummy helps (as you say it does) then I'd put money on it being a degree of silent reflux - generally babies with silent reflux find the ducking action helpful as it pushes the acid back down and makes it more comfortable for them. This is sometimes why they seem to want a feed and then don't- they just want to suck. (Obviously always offer a feed but if they aren't interested they may just want a dummy). Ds is 18 months now and has always slept better with his. A sleepy tot bunny (from amazon) is really good for safely attaching dummies so they always have them to hand.

The gp can prescribe medication for silent reflux. Gaviscon is often the first choice but sometimes this can lead to constipation so go back to your gp and ask for something else if it doesn't help. There are other medications they an have.

A sling and / or Co sleeping didn't work for us at all. I had a moby sling and ds hated it. He was better swaddled when he was really little in his pram and then just sat a bit upright as he got older (again with reflux they won't like lying down as it's uncomfortable for them- do you have a bouncy chair that vibrates? Ds used to love his and napped in it).

Or maybe try an alternative formula? She might not like the taste or it might be making her constipated. Are you offering water too?

Oh and you can also put chunky books under the feet of one end of the cot to raise it slightly so they sleep on a slope. Also helps reflux.

I must be completely heartless because I would be either looking for ways to break this or just have an overnight away to recover. It sounds exhausting!

It's really not healthy or sustainable, but also, you have done nothing to create this situation, it's just the baby you've been given.

45 minutes is not a long time for other adults to deal with some crying, they should have persisted tbh.

I hope it does! I hope at 6 months she' be over it. Just 2 months of hell to get through till then (I hope). I know ive been trying to ho doctors for a few weeks now and I had depression last year before pregnancy and I can feel it all kind of slipping so ive been wanting to go doctors for some help but getying out the house is hard enough let alone this ill. Hopefilly I'll feel better next week and will get to go! Bleaa her I know shes not being horrible on purpose although sometimes ut can half feel like she is!

Thank you everyone for your advice. Its really encouraging me to actually try and get through today where as few hours ago I was very determind to give up haha. Your all lovely Thank you x

Sounds to me like her dad needs to try harder! Calling you back if she cries is not good enough - feed her, then get him to take her out, turn your phone off and tell him not to come back for 3 hours. They will both survive and you need a break.

If she's only sleeping for an hour total in the day then she is probably chronically overtired too. I second suggestions for a sling, dummy and a brisk walk.

You say she sleeps if you co sleep? Then do it. Honestly- you said in your OP you got 8 hours sleep when you did. Go to bed with her and sleep. Don't try anything else- you've found something that works. You need to do anything that breaks they cycle of stress you've got yourselves into, and get some sleep!!!!!

Then, when you've done that for a week any you're back on an even keel, maybe start thinking about something else. But for now-crisis management!

Oh, and please try not to think that she's being manipulative. She isn't-of course she smiles when she's back with you- you are the centre of her universe! That will change. I promise. But for now, do whatever it takes to get sleep. Everything will be manageable if you do.

It does sound lime reflux to me too now everyones mentioned I cannot believe ive been to the doctors and everytime theyve fobbed me off :( thank you everyone!

I'll ring doctors when shes awake. Shes asleep (on me) atm. Also she always wakes up crying and someti.es its because shes seems uncomfortable. So I pull her higher up my arm so shes more tilted as you say and the goes back to sleep. So I reckon your right!

Who needs doctors, just ask the mums of mumsnet haha!

Bless you. I have one a bit like this - he is almost six months now and only just getting good at spending any time alone. I smiled when you said you could put yours down for 15 minutes until she wanted you ... I can barely get 15 seconds

Yes do investigate all the options like milk and reflux etc ... But sometimes some babies are more high needs than others. Search the web for high needs babies.

Co sleep safely if it works, try a sling library so you can see if little one likes it, borrow a jumper or bouncy chair (mine hates them).

What I hang on to is that this will pass, no way will this baby be an 18 year old crying for mum ... Try to enjoy her being so small and not feel stressed all the time by her wanting you (easier said than done, I know ... Perhaps she can tell you feel anxious leaving her?)

I think you need to just go out and leave her with her dad. You can cope, he needs to learn how to as well. I think the same for nan and gramps (if she has them). You need a break, you are doing such an amazing job at a difficult time. You need to go away for a few hours, turn off the phone and get out of your head space for a bit. A break is as good as any other cure.

Good luck.

Yes like PP I think she's probably over tired so if you can find ways to get her to nap more she might cheer up a lot. I used to cuddle up with DS in bed and have a nap together or take him for a walk in the pram to get him to sleep.

I found 4 months the hardest age. It got better after that as he could do more to entertain himself (sitting, holding toys etc). I found going to toddler groups/story time at the library etc a lifesaver as he'd be quite content with lots going on to watch but if we stayed at home he'd be very bored, grumpy and demanding. 4 month olds can get bored very easily and be very grumpy about it!