At my wits end with 4 month old!!! - advice needed!

[stumpsxo]

My DD is stressing me and not just the way baby should. Im literally on my last straws I can't take much more of this. Yes im a first time mum before anyone asks and passes judgement (usualy happens
s).

Shes 4 month old and quite possibly the most clingy baby in the world. Before anyone says babys at 4 months old cant get seperation anxiety and cant be manipulative... oh yes they bloody well can.

Every single day she is around her dad not just me too. She has family come see her every weekend.She should be fine, its not like shes only with me 24/7. If I leave the room for more then 15 mins (washing up say) she cries almost screams until I come back in and take her. Then what do I get from her? A face full of smiles. No matter who I leave her wwith she doesnt have any of it. Me and my mum popped out shopping left her with her dad. I got a phone call 45 mins later saying I need to come home because she hasnt stopped crying since I left. I come home pick her up and she falls straight asleep.

Yeah things are hard with babies and sometimes you need a break, whether its an hour or so shopping or a long bath. I have plenty of people who are willing to help me and I wish I could snap them up but she will not settle with anyone else at all. The only time I can leave her to do anything is if shes asleep. And at four months old she sleeps at about an hour max during the day.

She wont take a bottle from anyone else but me including her dad who lives with us!! She also will not sleep on her own, yes co sleeping is bad. But since age of about 2 and half months shes been waking every hour if I put her down. One night I fell asleep with her and we got full 8 hours. I was so exhausted I didnt care and did it for the rest of the week to catch up on sleep. She now will not sleep on her own at all. She just stirrers until I pick her up, ive tried leaving her but it got to the point of a few hours and come to concultion it wasnt going to happen.

Asif that isnt all hard enough on me having to have her with me every second of every day she's now being very fussy. She will winge and winge she hungry but sometimes refuses to rake her bottle. I would say its colic bit shehad colic and I gave her gripe water everyday which worked and I still do that to this day. So if its colic theres nothing I can. I wind her for ages and nothing but tears, colic drops dont work, neither doea rubbing her tummy. But in all honesty, to me it looks like she just plainly doesnt want her bottle. She refuses to have it unless she is starving.

Past week ive also been quite ill with flue and tonsillitis so im completely run down and exhausted. I wanted my boyfriend (dad) to have her tonight so I can get full nights sleep that I havent had in 2 months now and it failed. I ended up with even less sleep. Im completely at my lowest point.

Im really fed up of having to take into every room with me, fed up of having to do everything I NEED to do when shes asleep (never). Tired of having no sleep, no time to even have a conversation with my boyfriend. I love her to bits, I can take some fussyness and I knew it wouldnt be easy. I was expecting all kids when becoming a mum. But this, is something else. I havent been out the house in 2 months, first time I got to last week I had to rush straight home due to her crying for me. :( someone please say there's something I can do about all this!

Ive taken her doctors in the past hoping they can tell me and all they turn around and say is 'shes perfectly fine, maybe a bit of colic. Get some colic drops' yeah cheers for that mr obvious!!!!

Its getting to the point im getting seriously depressed. Im trying very hard with her and trying everything I can and none of it just seems to work. :'(

I apologise and typing or spelling errors, im currently half asleep from 4 hours sleep and have a throbing headache.

Definitely tell oh he needs to try harder! My 3 mo will happily go to most people but inexplicably cries for dh and mil! This is very upsetting for mil as she loves babies and is excellent with my 21mo. However next week I have to go to hospital so dd2 has no option to be with mil for a few hours! I'm a little worried but mil will do everything she can and despite not being able to call me back she wouldn't anyway. This will get better good luck x

Mine was like this. I had to wear her in a sling as that was the only thing that worked. She used to sleep for 20 mins on the day and woke every hour at night. Co-sleeping safely saved my sanity!

There's a theory that if you respond to her all the time now, she'll settle more quickly in the future, rather than trying to train her out of it, which may make her more clingy.

It will pass.

Curlew she does sleep with me and usually we do get hours hows sleep which is why I had been kust about coping with the vey long hard days but atm even co sleeping isnt working past 2 weeks shes been waking up constantly. So past two weeks with her ways of a day with no sleep and illness. Its all managed to fall to pot.

And I dont want to slate him but in all honesty no, the dad isnt doing enough. He cant cope woth her at all and just always passes her back to me. Now I just take her because when he has her we just constantly argue. Because apparently me making helpful suggestions 'try giving her her dummy' is talking to him like sh** so even though he gets to do what he wamts has his own chill time and fulll nights sleep along with dping ko cooking or cleaning dealing with his daughter is also impossible. I take her because he always tries to skip corners when it comes to her which makes me so angry. Like in the night she'll be crying because she hungry (takes her bottle fone during the night) but he'll just give her her dummy because he cant wake up long enough to feed her :( so I give up with him now, the arguments were stressing me out on top of already being stresssed so now I just have her 24/7.

Ive decided hes having her, all day and all night. Im going to have a bath catch up on cleaning then go to my mums so he has no choice but to wake up with her. Book her a doctors appointment thia morning for first thing tomorrow.

Try and get out with the pram when you are well enough, crying never seems as bad outdoors and if you can get her to learn to fall asleep in the buggy maybe with the back up a little then anyone can walk her and you can go to bed!! Winter sunlight very important to combat depression too.

It does sound like reflux too.

If it is reflux, which it sounds like it could well be, then there is no need for you to be on call 24/7 and boyfriend doing nothing. If it's reflux he will be just as able as you to sit her more upright, pace round the room with her trying to distract her etc.

Give him a task to do and tell him to take DD with him - send him to tescos or the park, get them out the house, turn your phone off and go back to bed. At the moment you feel like you are the only one that can settle her. The reason for this is that you have had to persevere and find ways that do help because you haven't had the luxury of panicking and handing her to someone else after 45 mins of screaming. There is no reason whatsoever that bf can't find ways too, you need to give him the opportunity. If he knows he won't be able to ring you when it gets a bit hard he will push through it and cope, there won't be an option not to cope. You will probably find that he finds ways to calm her that you hadn't come across yet which is always useful.

I know it's hard, I know you worry about then but just trust that they will both survive and hand her over. It WILL be fine. You also need to do this because if you aren't well you can't care for her properly and she needs you to be well to be the best mum for her. So you need to take a break.

Now that DS is 9mo (I also have a 2yo) I have the whole of Saturday childfree. I go out and don't come back until 10pm. Last week managed to miss out a bottle feed (he thought I'd done an extra one before I left and I hadn't). DS went 6 hours without a bottle. He's fine though, DP coped and now knows why I have a chart for feeds each day so we don't miss any. Yes it wasn't very nice for DS but I've made mistakes, DP is a parent too, he will make mistakes.

I hope you get somewhere at the doctors and that it is reflux as you will then have some solutions which should really make a difference. Good luck.

Depends on the type of sling! A gadget-y one is more expensive with buckles etc but last longer as more adjustable do can adapt to bigger babies. A cloth wrap works with tinies but gets difficult from 6/7 months.

Re time - you just have to persist. Start with 20 mins. Put a timer on and find something for you to do - shower, clean something, sort something. Timer goes, go back to baby. Slowly build up your resistance! Remember the mantra - if she is clean, fed and the correct temperature (and you have eliminated potential pain of reflux/cranial) then she is not in any harm! My friend'sbaby was left in car seat from 4 months old. By 6 months she was fine for the 40 mins my friend was riding. By 9/10 months she was able to be left for a few hours with different people. The main thing they need to learn is that you will come back, but that it is after a certain (short period) not just because she starts to worry and scream. It is a tough process and causes heart ache but it is worth it even if it is just so you can actually keep yourself clean/sane and your environment basically sanitary...

X posts. Re the trying the dummy at night and not making a bottle. That's where you need to leave him to it. After an hour of trying the dummy, when she is screaming her head off he will realise it would have been quicker and easier to make a bottle up. If you leave him long enough he has to deal with the consequences of the decisions he makes.

I do agree about giving him tips though, you need to actually leave him to it. Even when it's glaringly obvious to you what the solution is you have to leave him to work it out. DP gets annoyed when I hover, he pointed out that he has a brain and is capable of working out for himself what DCs need, that if I want him to parent I have to let him parent. He doesn't need tips now because he's had them enough that he's figured these things out for himself.

So just step right back when he has her, be out the house, in the bath with door locked etc. right out the way.

Trouble is, if he's giving her a dummy instead of feeding her, then she might be working herself up into such a state she can't feed or sleep which will be making the problem worse.

OP- could you try saying to him "OK- I will take full responsibility for the baby, but I will do absolutely nothing else" and then not cook or clean or shop or anything. I don't know about bottle feeding- can you make up a night's worth of bottles then just go to bed and stick a teat in her mouth if she wakes? I found with mine just keeping them as full as possible helped a lot- offer food before anything else. If that doesn't work, they something else, but food first.

Completely agree with other posters. I was so tired I arranged to stay a night at my mums and left dh to it. Best thing I ever did, they worked out their own way of doing things Without me interfering or being deferred to. Now I go out for a couple of hours most nights to the gym and dh takes over. It feels like we are finally coparenting 50/50 but leaving that first night was hard I thought it would be a disaster but just remember you manage and so will your oh.

see if your local children's centre offers.baby.massage? sounds like other family members need to share the burden.

Oh goodness I really feel for you. My dd1 was similar- I felt awful most of the time and also co slept & had her in backpack etc whilst cooking. She did grow out of it I promise- and is now a confident happy girl which I would never have believed 7 years ago! I think it's just so hard when they won't go to anyone else but you can't make them want to- I guess you could either go away for 24 hours and leave your boyfriend to it or try leaving her for 10 min at a time to try and get her used to the idea or just strap her to you all the time and wait until she grows out if this phase. So so hard to be able to decide these things when you are not feeling well and totally sleep deprived. Sending you lots of hope you feel better soon thoughts x

If you can afford it buy a box of ready to use bottles from tesco (cow and gate ones - they come with pre sterilised teats and everything and you just screw them on and feed) for a few nights. When I was really struggling with ds it gave me a break to have a few by the bed (as they are sterile and sealed they don't need to be in a fridge) and you can use them without having to get out of bed. They are just like the mini bottles given in hospitals.

I'm afraid I wouldn't agree with people who say this is normal. If DD had been like this I may well have upped and left (ok maybe not, but I'd definitely have thought about it).

I agree with PPs who say that you need to get yourself a break - in any way you can achieve this. Your DP needs to take her and you need to go to bed. Somewhere else, preferably. They will cope and with luck it may be the start of you getting a few hours of time back regularly.

Of course, you should still go to the docs to investigate silent reflux, and I would try all the other suggestions to help your DD if this is the problem. I'd even say co-sleep (and I'm rather anti co-sleeping) if it means you get some sleep. Sleep is more important than ANYTHING right now.

I really hope things settled down for you

Oh and regarding a bedtime routine - if she hates the bath at night just do a different bedtime routine, but make it the same every night. Upstairs, bum out, quiet time, maybe some quiet music, a little cuddle and a bottle (if she wants it). Then bed with dummy and a comforter, if she has one.

It may well be that she's so overtired that she can't cope with a bath at night at the mo, so maybe getting some more sleep in the day will help with that.

Dd was like this from day 1. Being my first and having no one to hand her to, no family and dp who worked away a lot, I just adjusted my life to fit around her. If I went out then she came with me. I literally never put her down. At night I removed my bedside table and pushed the cot sliding side up by the bed so it was like her sleeping next to me but I was able to sleep without being on edge that I might roll over on her and she was close to mummy but was in her own bed. I just went with it and let her dictate what she needed.
As I have said on another thread dd bf till she was 3.
Can I ask why when you go out you don't take her with you?

My son was like that. Unputdownable. He didn't have reflux, he was just what they call very high needs. He never, ever dozed off without an incredible amount of rocking, feeding, swinging etc. I used to look at my friend's DD the same age who would lie in a Moses basket and coo and then nod off!

It was very hard. I ended up very ill from severe sleep deprivation, such was my stubbornness in persisting with exclusive breastfeeding.

One particularly bad day I realised that if I had twins, or more than one child, I simply would not be able to respond immediately every time. That lessened my anxiety somewhat.
Your baby will be fine. It gets a lot easier when they can sit up unaided.

You meanwhile need sleep. It's not a luxury at this point, it's a necessity. Do whatever you have to do to get a solid block of sleep.

My DD2 7 mo is like this and please please please have your DD checked for a tongue and lip tie. DD2 cried constantly from 1 week old and I tried EVERYTHING but nothing worked - different formulas, reflux meds, 2 different cranial osteopaths, GP multiple times, a pead, loads of sleep etc etc. I was fobbed off as an over anxious mother. In the last few weeks I tried another osteopath who actually listened and immediatley diagnosed a tongue and lip tie. DD2s symptoms were - unable to hold a dummy as it constantly fell out (you mentioned this for your DD in an earlier post above), took only 2-3oz bottles, always dribbled when drinking from the bottle, always had loads of wind, got sick when being winded. So it seems that she was constantly crying because she was hungry as she couldnt feed properly. She was constantly tired because drinking even a little was so difficult it exhausted her. The ties were revised last week and most of the above symptoms have gone except the crying as I think she knows no other way to communicate after all this time. I am so so so at how DD was neglected by the system and we have lost precious months, she has loads of bad habits after months of being up in my arms and cant self soothe in any situation because life has been so miserable for her. If this isnt the issue for your DD all I can say is I feel your pain because this is exactly what I experience all day every day also. I can only hope that if she becomes mobile it might distract her enough to be happy

Furryfriends-I know nothing about tongue tie- but I couldn't leave a bit of your post unanswered. Your lovely dd does not have loads of bad habits! She is still tiny- time enough for routines and "training".

I should add that even the HV thought my dd was hard work but I carried on just being there, never putting her down. Just doing everything 1 handed.

There's a theory that if you respond to her all the time now, she'll settle more quickly in the future, rather than trying to train her out of it, which may make her more clingy.

Definitely agree with Todger

I think she sounds pretty normal. Being able to leave her for 15 mins is actually pretty good, lots of babies scream the second you are out of sight. It will get easier.

Sounds just like my ds1! I deffo agree with automatic swing - absolute life saver! The only time i got any peace was baby mozart dvd with swing or if i walked with pram. Trt Nuk bottles with latex teats (cheapest on amazon) if you struggling with bottle. Also my ds1 would only take bottle if no other distractions i.e no one else in room ha! Tried the cranial osteopathy but did nothing for us. Hope u get it sorted - my dp had to wear my dressing gown if i left ds1 with him x

ZOMBIE thread

@Bingthing, the child will be four YEARS old now....