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Original poster

Fun or naughty!!!

66 replies

peppajay · 10/12/2013 22:58

I have a friend who in my opinion is too strict. She has a no tv in the week rule, both kids have to be in bed by 630pm and are not allowed up until 7am, every single vegetable at dinner time has to be eaten and the whole plate - dinner starts at 430 so that gives the kids one and half hours to eat!!!! Her eldest child has had the spirit knocked out of her this year but her mums constant competition to be the strictest mother in town, they are constantly being nagged at and you never see them allowed to laugh- as this is frowned upon and seen as bad behaviour. Anyway to cut a long story short I have a son who I would say has spirit and can sometimes go to far but generally likes having fun but she sees fun as naughty. At a friends 40th at the weekend he was loving strutting his stuff on the dance floor and smacking the ladies bums, all the other ladies thought this was funny and were really getting him in the mood and encouraging him - she was absolutely mortified that I didn't take him home instantly for bad behavior!!! Apparently she was talking to another mum today at school about him and saying I encourage him to be naughty by not stopping him when his behavior is out of order and she feels sorry for my other friend having her son in my sons class as my son is going to lead her son astray and if her son and my son were in the same class she would be complaining!!! I feel shocked that she said these things about my child to another mother(I know she doesn't like him) and the other mums think he is fine and is just a boy that likes to have fun. So what is the difference between fun and spirited and downright naughty!!!

OP posts:

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MrsUptight · 11/12/2013 00:03

If you encourage your son to smack women on their buttocks, he will do it to his peers and then he'll get in bother. It's not ok. You need to teach your son to respect women's bodies and not to assault them. Just because he is a child does not make it ok and if you can't see that after the other MNrs who agree then I pity you.

Jiltedjohnsjulie · 11/12/2013 07:50

What uptight said.

OddBoots · 11/12/2013 09:26

There is a middle ground. I can see why you think his party behaviour was a bit of fun but you need to make sure he knows it isn't acceptable elsewhere. I work in a pre-school and over the years there have been a few children who think it is okay to smack my bottom.

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likelytoasksillyquestions · 11/12/2013 11:13

Omg. How depressing.

Yes, your friend sounds way too strict. But the "little boy smacking ladies on the bottom thing" made me boak. I would be mortified if my child did that. And actually, if a friend's child did it to me, I'd feel desperately uncomfortable but probably not know what to say.

MrsUptight · 11/12/2013 12:17

I'd probably smack the OP's bottom if she allowed her son to do that to me.

matana · 11/12/2013 12:25

DS is 3 and loves smacking bums, mostly mine which is fine. I'd have absolutely no problem with him making a game out of bottom smacking with my immediate family (mums, sisters etc) but beyond that it would be a no-no. That's because i know my family love DS's 'spirit' (and it's exactly that, not naughtiness) and would soon tell him if it was annoying them. As it is, they have no problem with it. When they've had enough he's told to stop. It's just a funny game to him.

My biggest question though is - why are you friends? You are clearly poles apart and it sounds like there's an unhealthy level of rivalry/ back-biting/ bitchiness between you regarding your children. Definitely sounds like a case of either accept your parenting styles are different or get the hell out of the friendship.

Original poster

peppajay · 11/12/2013 12:50

It is really our children that are friends and out of choice I probably wouldn't be her friend. Although because the fact that I allow my kids to watch cbeebies after school she doesn't like her children to come to our house any more as it makes it awkward for her because she doesn't allow TV in the week in her own home. She does tell everyone their parenting style is wrong and really struggles sticking to her strict regime and asks people to avoid doing things with their kids in case her children see and get upset as they are not allowed to do it. So I think the friendship will peter out eventually and she has lost quite a few friends and so of her children because of it!!

OP posts:

notsomuchroomattheinn · 11/12/2013 13:11

I think the bottom smacking was naughty and you should have pulled him up on it straight after he smacked your sister even if she did find it funny.
I also think your friend sounds a bit odd and very strict though.

Defnotsupergirl · 12/12/2013 05:32

This happened to me at the pub in the summer- I live in a close community where all the children come to the pub early in the evening at the weekend, have a meal with their parents generally then walk home with their parents. One of my friend's daughters was finding it increasingly funny to smack my bottom. Oh yes ha ha ha, to save escalating the situation I tried to ignore it but she was persistent. In the end she caught me off guard and I fell. Parents didn't do anything really, not even tell her off. This is a child that physically shoves her parents out of anywhere if she is fed up of them talking to another adult and will tantrum whenever something doesn't go her way. They started off by saying she was spirited too.

SavoyCabbage · 12/12/2013 07:12

I would discourage my dc from going to someone's house after school if they watched tv too. There's just no point in them being there and me having to go out again at 5.30 if they aren't going to play together.

And if I was there I have no doubt that I wouldn't be able to stop my self saying 'shall we switch that off so you can go and play' in an interfering and controlling manner.

We should swap friends op as I can definitely see myself in your bossy boots pal and I have friends who are far more relaxed about it like you. I've got one who lets her dc go through her handbag and eat or spend the contents at will. I need my smelling salts for that!

Original poster

peppajay · 12/12/2013 12:18

Her kids adore going to my house as they are allowed to watch tv for 20 mins after tea. Don't get me wrong they play from 330 till 5 then watch tv from 545 till 6!!! They see it as a treat as it isn't allowed in their house but my friend thinks as no tv is her rules when her kids come to mine I should abide by her rules as her kids then get upset when she says no. It is mufti day tomorrow and she has just sent a text to a few of us mums asking if we could make sure our daughters wear trainers rather than boots as she doesn't like boots so her daughter doesn't have them and she feels left out!!! surely this is taking it too far or am I wrong yet again???

OP posts:

Jiltedjohnsjulie · 12/12/2013 15:06

No idea what a mufti day is but you are not wrong on this one.. My DS doesn't get expensive electronics for Christmas but I don't send out texts asking his friends parents not to buy them laptops/tablets/consoles. If her children have different things and have to abide by different rules, well that's just part of life.

WipsGlitter · 12/12/2013 15:20

Smacking bottoms was bold behaviour.

She does sound a bit much though!!

SavoyCabbage · 12/12/2013 15:24

No, you're not wrong! That's crazy!

Mufti is 'ordinary clothes'. It's an old army term I think.

Flisspaps · 12/12/2013 16:46

No, asking you not to send your DD to school in boots is just odd.

Rosencrantz · 12/12/2013 17:39

I'd put her in boots tomorrow purely because of that text!

Jinglejohnsjulie · 12/12/2013 21:18

at Rosen. I wouldn't go quite that far but if dd chose to wear boots and the nutty friend said anything, I'd just blame my phone and say I didn't get the text

MrsCorre · 13/12/2013 18:09

Have to chuckle at this thread. "oh that's terrible behaviour...bla bla"- He is 4!!!! I'm sure if it was a full on slap on the bottom then the relative would have mentioned something (my relatives would all feel comfortable saying to my 5yo son if he was behaving out of line (not that they need to as my sons pretty shy in that respect). Sound like it was a tap and just a little bit of fun. For this other mother to then say that other children shouldn't play with your boy for fear of being influenced well that is plain rude...trying to alienate a 4yo is barmy. I am a fun loving mum, my children are well behaved and know boundaries, but for Christ sake they are kids. Nothing makes me more happy then to see my children laugh, they are not little for long so for goodness sakes stop treating them like adults who should just shut up and sit still. Ps yes I am one of those mothers who think farts a funny word and have huge leaf fights with my kids like a wally, shoot me now and yes my kids are currently watching Disney junior while eating popcorn god forbid!! You sound like a fab mum in my opinion

Jinglejohnsjulie · 13/12/2013 18:16

Yes of course, because I don't my arse slapped bony one I am clearly not a good fun loving mum.

MrsCorre · 13/12/2013 18:51

The only reference to other posters I made was the terrible behaviour comment...as I thought it was funny and Yes I admit rather over the top! The rest of my post was aimed at the OPs "friend" and her treating her children like robots?! For all I know of you you may well be fun, or not...as it stands unless you are this other women then I have no idea what your parenting is like?! Pretty sure I didn't say "well if you don't like abit of bum-slapping then your a bad mother" please correct me if i am wrong?? In my humble opinion if you don't want your kids to laugh and have fun...don't have them...get a well trained dog!!

Flisspaps · 13/12/2013 19:43

My 3yo is watching Disney Jr and eating chocolatey toast. She spent the afternoon on CBeebies as I was working and I needed to keep her entertained.

I STILL don't think that her smacking people on the arse would be acceptable behaviour.

MrsCorre · 13/12/2013 20:20

And I still think it isn't "terrible". The first page of posts on this thread are like a witch hunt of all the lovely mums-netters ganging up about someone who was asking for advice?! This is pretty much the reason I have never started my own thread on here; the barrage of "oh that's terrible/I would never do that's" is actually hilarious! He is a four year old and another child's mother is trying to distance him from other children because of a bum tapping game? Surely if the behaviour was that bad one of the many people there would have mentioned it or at least ignored the child if it was inappropriate, instead they joined in?! I am holding my hands up and saying this in regards to bum tapping (I.e gentle) NOT as a full on smack as that is too much but I'm assuming the OP is implying this was playful taps. My kids think tapping my bottom is up there with tiggling in the giggling stakes...so does that mean they are naughty, terribly behaved children?! He is 4 and an innocent little lad just playing a game that the adults are joining in on?!

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 13/12/2013 20:27

No, another child's mother is trying to distance him from other children because of a whole host of scenarios in which she and the OP were poles apart, of which the bum tapping game was just one example. Virtually everyone said that the other mother was being unreasonable in general.

But the OP clearly felt that smacking the bottoms of women on the dancefloor was "fun and spirited" -- the number of (I assume, given the MN demographic) women here who wouldn't find it "fun" to have their bottom smacked on the dancefloor does suggest that it's something her 4yo should be discouraged from doing. At sixteen it would be sexual assault; at eight it would be naughty; at four it can be gently discouraged and never get as far as either of those later stages.

MrsCorre · 13/12/2013 20:46

Oh sorry I didn't realise that all boys who tap bums at 4; without being reprimanded, turn into sexual predators, I must take a mental note of that

We all parent differently and on this subject I think as long as the people that he was doing it to were immediate family and not some judgemental stranger then what's it matter. I really hate it when people deem a child as naughty at the drop of a hat, especially when they are that young!

When did the world turn so blinking serious?!?

EugenesAxe · 13/12/2013 21:14

I am a little bemused about the bottom smacking being encouraged; like others I think that is behaviour that should be stopped immediately. It might be the kind of thing I'd pretend to find funny because I'd be uncomfortable reprimanding on, but inside would be expecting the parents to fight my battle.

And all this 'he's four!!' talk is wank in my opinion. I have a three year old (nearly four) and if he did this I wouldn't bollock him for it but would certainly tell him to stop and teach him it was inappropriate. As far as I'm concerned, you should be educating about normal social boundaries as soon as they start to understand you. I would not be heavy handed about initial 'experiments' but would give time out etc. if they wilfully continued after I'd said something shouldn't be done.

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