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Parenting

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Original poster

Scared they will take my baby if I ask for help

68 replies

TheJollyPam · 09/12/2013 14:09

I have pnd. Low dose medication. Not working anymore. My dd is 3 months.
I can't cope any more. I hate being a mum and hate being on my own with my dd all day. My dh is much better with her than I am. He's been off for a few days but back at work now and I was in tears by midday because dd was fighting sleep. I don't know what to do with her and keep wishing she would sleep all day like a newborn so I don't gave to deal with her. She's not even a difficult baby. She only wakes up once a night or sleeps through and is happy amusing herself in bouncer or on her playmat. But I still can't cope. She cries in the pram or sling so I stay in most days with her and don't go to any groups.she likes being carried in my arms but hates it when I put her in a sling.
I think I need my meds increased but am terrified of going back to gp incase they contact social services. Some days I'm fine but more often lately I struggle and I'm scared I'm going to snap.

OP posts:

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Scarlettsstars · 10/12/2013 07:25

Would it be an option to get some childcare in place? Perhaps a childminder a couple of afternoons a week or a nursery place? It does sound like you really need a break love.

Original poster

TheJollyPam · 10/12/2013 08:10

I'm not sure, feels like she's a bit young for that. I was enjoying being at home with her until the last couple of weeks when I started feeling bad again. Maybe it will pass!

OP posts:

Jiltedjohnsjulie · 10/12/2013 08:21

So sorry you are having a bad morning jolly. Have you managed to make the doctors appointment yet?

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Original poster

TheJollyPam · 10/12/2013 08:25

I can't get through to them yet.

My dh has just gone to work and left me in tears. I know he needs to go to work and I can't expect him to be here. I'm still gutted that my mum left me yesterday when I needed her. I feel like no one is helping me but I've got a baby now so I just have to get on with it. I want to scream and tear my hair out. I'm going to fuck up dds life because I'm happy one minute and crying or withdrawn the next.

OP posts:

Jiltedjohnsjulie · 10/12/2013 08:30

You will not mess up her life, don't worry about that. I know how overwhelming it can all seem but you need to make that appointment with the GP.

Does your mum know how you are feeling?

Original poster

TheJollyPam · 10/12/2013 08:36

Yes she knows but she won't help me. She's completely emotionally unavailable. Just walked out yesterday when I was crying. She did the same last week. She won't try and talk to me or give me a hug or anything. No surprise I'm this way really.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheJollyPam · 10/12/2013 08:38

Everything gets brushed under the carpet and ignored in my family.

OP posts:

MmeCinqAnneauxDor · 10/12/2013 08:53

You are not messing up DD's life. Lots of us have been there, we all got through it and our babies grew to be fine young people. My PND child is 9yrs old, and the sunniest and most calm child ever. It didn't affect him at all.

One day at a time, one hour at a time. Take a deep breath and speak to the doc about needing more support.

Do you live in a town? I know it is hard when you are feeling so down, but are there any groups or classes you could join?

BramblyHedge · 10/12/2013 09:02

Are there any groups you could join which are walkable or on public transport? Being alone all day can make things seem worse. Are you planning on learning to drive? I couldnt drive when I had ds1 and it was hard but I passed when he was 18m and it made everything so much better in terms of socialising. Not suggesting you do this right away but might be something to look forward to.

Jiltedjohnsjulie · 10/12/2013 09:34

Oh jolly that must be so hard to deal with. Think you need to tell your DH how you are feeling. Men are usually very, very bad at spotting when a loved one is slipping into depression. If you can't face telling him face to face, how about a text?

snowtunesgirl · 10/12/2013 09:38

OP, you have my sympathies, this stage is fucking hard.

At this point, I thought I'd made a huge, huge mistake and then things got better.

Please don't try to hide how you feel from you DH. If he doesn't know you're struggling, he can't help.

I hid it for a very long time from everyone and it didn't help one bit.

Jiltedjohnsjulie · 10/12/2013 14:40

How are you this afternoon jolly?

Original poster

TheJollyPam · 10/12/2013 17:14

Bit better thanks. Took dd to bed for the afternoon and have just been feeding and napping together. I've got a gp app for the end of the week but hoping i will be ok by then.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheJollyPam · 10/12/2013 17:22

Also yep I really want to pass driving test but can't really afford the lessons just yet. Life would be so much easier if I could because I wouldn't feel guilty for friends always coming here. I have made one new friend since having dd but she also lives out of town! There is a bf group nearby which I've been to a few times but not for about a month. I really should go again,I get anxious about it but enjoyed it in the end. I can never seem to get us organised.

OP posts:

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 10/12/2013 17:26

You aren't fucking up her life, and do you know why? You're on here talking about it! You do care, you are a good mum and you've recognised something isn't right and you're starting to do something about it. Talking on mn is a start. Seeing your GP is even better. Please tell them everything. You certainly won't be the first or last mum they've seen feeling like you are. Have you a hv you can talk to? I'm sorry your mum is like that.

Parenting is hard bloody work!

breatheslowly · 10/12/2013 17:48

Don't feel bad about people haing to come to you. Everyone's different. I'd always prefer to go to someone else's house. It means that I don't have to clear up and I have liked the break that driving gives me since having DD.

MmeCinqAnneauxDor · 10/12/2013 18:19

Your friends may not be bothered about driving to see you. I quite like doing that, cause it means I can go when I feel like it.

Have you got one friend who is particularly supportive? Give her a call and tell her you are struggling a bit. Bet they'd be upset to know that you aren't doing well but don't want to ask for help.

And you are doing great. Making an appointment and speaking on here is the first step.

waterrat · 10/12/2013 18:21

Op - pnd aside it's no wonder you feel low when you look at te practicalities - you are alone all day with no support and no friends nearby - of course you aren't enjoying it ! The way mums live now and raise their children mainly alone and without family support is completely alien to how humans raised children for the tens of thousands of years that humans have lived and evolved on this planet - most women in many tribal / non western cultures would be appalled at what you are going through

You need to try gently to tackle the practical side - which is your isolation . If a few hours with a child minder twice a week is affordable to you then please consider it - it was such a life saver for me to just know my week was broken up and not all about the empty space filling time

Nobody is looking at you whn she cries - get out even if she cries in the buggy or sling she will get used to it and you absolutely need to get out of the house

Look up nct coffee mornings - also singing groups and under 1 drop in at your local childrens centre

This is separate to pnd - it's the underlying problem and I think whatever medicine you take you will need to find support friendship and company

It is worth asking your gp for referral for talking therapy re your relationship with your own mother -

waterrat · 10/12/2013 18:23

And I agree tell your friends you are down and get them p book regular visits to see you - I much prefer visiting to having visitors !

Original poster

TheJollyPam · 11/12/2013 09:16

Thanks everyone.
My dh came home with flowers to cheer me up last night and has just been generally great as usual. I'm so lucky.
My mum has just phoned to see how I am. I know she does care but can't deal with me being upset at the time. It really hurts when she just leaves me but it won't change. It just makes me more determined to be there for my dd.

You are right, waterrat, being this isolated just makes me feel worse. I have one good friend locally but don't see her that often now as she works full time and is studying too. Must make more of an effort. I've arranged for another friend to come over late in the week and we are going out for cake. So that will be nice :)
There are quite a few groups at the children's centre nearby. I just need to find the motivation to go!

I feel a bit better today, less sad, just a bit flat. I didn't sleep very well because I keep worrying that the boiler is going to explode when the heating comes on. I've turned it off this morning because i kept imagining it blowing up while dd was on her playmat near the fire (it's a back boiler). Haven't had anxious thoughts like this for years.

OP posts:

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 11/12/2013 09:30

OP just to add my support and to say please do go to that appointment at the end of the week and be open with the GP about how you've been feeling, even if you're getting on better by then. It would be a good idea to try and write down depressed/anxious thoughts and actions if you can - perhaps even print off this thread? Thoughts like those you describe about the boiler are not rational worries and you do need some help I think especially if it's stopping you from sleeping.

Original poster

TheJollyPam · 11/12/2013 12:05

Thanks, I will go. Trying to work up to walking to the shops as we need bread but keep putting it off. Tearful again for no reason.

OP posts:

batteryhen · 11/12/2013 12:13

Where abouts are you OP? IF you are near to me at all I would be happy to come and see you as I'm sure others's would too. X

Original poster

TheJollyPam · 11/12/2013 14:42

I'm losing it and all the doctors will do is a phone call.

OP posts:

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 11/12/2013 14:49

What about your health visitor? It is part of their role.

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