Can I be honest with my health visitor?

[ScaredToBeHonest]

Since having DS 3 months ago by ELCS, my emotions are so up and down. I feel so detached from him at times. I look at him and can see that he is cute and it is nice when he smiles at me but no more than when any baby smiles me.

I cannot really say that I love him as I should. I feel awful for saying that but it is the truth. I waited to feel the rush of love that everyone talks about when having a baby but it has never come. I feel that if I was never to see him again, I wouldn't particularly miss him. I am looking after him and tending to his needs............because that is what he needs and what is expected of me.

DS cries a lot and is not a content baby, he will not be put down in a bouncy chair etc and doesn't nap at home so we spend a lot of time out and about, which gets exhausting. He tends to cry a lot at baby groups so I just feel like a failure when all the other babies are so happy and content.

I often think that going back to work would be a blessing because then I would only have to deal with him in the evenings and weekends.

My feelings are so up and down; I go from really low to OK. I don't seem to have a happy state where DS is concerned. Things seem so much brighter when I'm not with him.

When DS is crying a lot, I just can't cope - I become tearful and anxious. My DH is fantastic with him and just seems to know what to do and DS settles for him. I have dark thoughts about DS and these scare me.

The health visitor is coming to see me tomorrow for a routine visit. Part of me wants to be honest about my feelings but they are not continual and therefore I feel like a fraud, because at times I feel OK, although even when feeling OK, I am just going through the motions where DS is concerned. I am scared to be honest about how I feel and also about the dark thoughts I have, even though I understand this is quite common.

I'm scared that by being honest about how my feelings, DS will be taken away. I often think he would be better off with someone else but my DH and family would be devastated.

Sorry for such a long rambling post, I just wanted to get my thoughts down even though they are a bit jumbled.

Please talk to her.
I remember 3-4 months being very difficult in all the ways you describe. Your child will not be taken away but a good hv can offer help and support and make sure you're looked after.

Definitely be honest with your health visitor. She is trained to deal with parents who have the feelings you describe and can help you get the help and support you need. She will not take your baby away.

it is really good that you have been honest with yourself and recognised that you do need some additional support. Have you spoken to your DH about your feelings?

Please talk to her! I had a very difficult time with DS and my health visitor was brilliant! She came and visited me weekly for 5 weeks, and even phoned me in between visits - this was all done in a very supportive way and I didn't feel like she was doing it in an intrusive way.

DS is now 20wks and things are now great, but those early weeks were the hardest thing I've ever done, much harder than I expected it to be!

I'm not sure when it happened, but at some staged something clicked for me and it all started to fall into place. Please don't worry about an immediate bond - I'm sure it does happen for some people, but for many others its something that slowly builds over time

You can be relatively honest IMO.
I would leave out the bit where you say he would be better off with someone else. It definitely isn't true.
He sounds like a high needs baby, but he won't be a baby for too long. He'll be a lovely little boy who can tell you if he has a problem rather than just crying. You sound tired and low and it's ok to seek help.

She will not take your ds away. Please be honest with her, write it down if you have to. She won't think your a bad person, or a bad mother. What you described is very common but that doesn't mean you shouldn't being getting support.

Ditto what everyone else said. It's hard when they cry a lot & with my first ds I was a bit British really & didn't do all the goo-gooing mushy stuff for ages as it took quite a while to really get to know each other I think, especially with the added stress of lots of crying.

Be honest, it will get better & you will grow to truly love him-it's such a huge change even without everything else. Don't be hard on yourself & try to get a regular hour or two time on your own each week.

Good luck

Thanks everyone, I'll try to talk to her tomorrow. It's so hard though when I'm so up and down - I could feel fine in the morning, particularly as DH has a couple of days holiday so will get up with DS so I can lie in. I then feel like a fraud and a failure, because to look at me you wouldn't guess.

Some times are OK but the lows are so very low

Hi OP, I'd advise writing a list to show to her - refer to this thread to get started. Good luck

Oh, you poor thing. Please speak to your HV, she is there to support you. Banish any thought of ds being "taken away", it simply will not happen.

please talk to her. I felt the same as you, it turned out I did/do have pnd (not saying you have). Once I spoke to my GP, I got some help and support. DD is now almost 13 months and I'm really enjoying her now, still have some tough days but have support in place now so that I can deal with those days.

You aren't a bad mum and it is far more important that you talk about it and start getting help than that you try and keep going and end up feeling worse. Trust me, I felt crap from when DD was about 6 weeks, and didn't tell anyone apart from my DH (who told me I was fine, but that's another thread ) until she was 4 months and it was really bad.

I promise you they will help if you tell them. Good luck OP.

I would try and talk to her. She will hopefully be able to reassure you that you are quite normal (in my non qualified opinion) but also put some things in place to support you.

She might suggest groups you can attend, or regular appointments with her or your GP. I was refered to social services when I had depression, but nothing happened. Don't be freaked out by that.

The first few months are really tough. hang in there xxxxx

Talk to her! She is there for this exact thing. What you're feeling is not uncommon and she will be able to help you deal with it. They absolutely won't take your baby away because you feel like this. The most important thing is that you get help and support

Please talk to her, talk to your husband & to your Mum / best friend too. I'm sure they all think you are doing brilliantly even though you don't feel like that. I really identify with feeling that my baby was the only one that cried at baby groups, but I promise it isn't true & everyone feels like that - its just we're so much more aware of our own babies. Some of what you say could be post-natal depression too so please make an appointment with your GP to rule that out or get the right help. I have some experience of child protection & I promise that what
you say comes absolutely NO WHERE NEAR anyone even starting to think about taking your baby away. Promise. Hope you can have a good chat today. X

I remember distinctly not feeling I loved my first baby for ages, and couldn't say the words. Had the detachment too, when he was born I had a hair wash and put make up on rather than cuddle him in labour suite! It did come though. Just show the health visitor your post (on your mobile if you have a smart phone), which sums up everything very succinctly. This is exactly what they are here (and paid for), and you definitely won't be the first person who she/he has dealt with who feels like this. My health visitor was a life saver. If you don't feel like the one you see today has helped, ring the office tomorrow to speak to another, I have had 4 children and some are better than others. Fwiw, my baby twins are just 4 months, and I have been feeling awful this week, short tempered, moody, tearful etc, possibly the hormones are still all over the place after birth. Good luck today and let us know how you get on.

Be honest without being OTT ( alarmist) if you can.

I found that age so hard, my baby just cried and did not want to be held ( felt so rejected).

He had colic, I had Pnd ( it turned out later) which is not. Happy combination.

There is also too much myth forming about how amazing and wonderful time with a baby is. It can be, at times, but often it is hard work and emotionally and physically draining. Somehow this is still a taboo,

Your boy is not just "a baby", he is a person with his own personality. You will get to know him over time. Right now, he cannot communicate very well what he wants.

Looking at DS1 now, at 11, I sometimes think it took me such a long time to see past the crying to find out the person he is. He is a great boy, sensitive, funny and caring, still with that sensitive tum which can cause him migraines, but now we know what it is, we know who he is, and what to do.

IMO, the first 2 years with a baby are exhausting and most people really need help, a lot of support.

After a rocky start, I bonded (belatedly) so well with him as a little boy, and still completely adore him. We have a very good relationship.

It is hard to see past the first months, but it will get better all the time.

And the wonderful thing you still have in store is teh complete and unconditional love of your son for you. It will amaze you!

Get as much help as you can, it will all get better.

Yes, please try to talk to your HV. She will be watching and waiting for this so it will not be met with any surprise. Often it is suspected that many mums feel like this but will try to show the stoical, very British stiff upper lip coping.
I has an awful time with my DS, he was very high maintenance and needy but very difficult to comfort and placate. I spent 5 years until I had my daughter thinking it was me and my inability to be an effective parent. My DD helped me to see that I wasn't incapable and that I was indeed a fit parent. If only I had been able to talk this through with the HV at the time but she was bloodey awful. My DH describes me as really quite mad during my DS's early years.
Forward to today, I changed my career so I could help other mums to try and avoid any degree of what I experienced. I can't help everyone but just need a hint of what's going on and we can take it from there, often very successfully.
Please please try to talk to your HV. If you don't manage it today then don't be afraid to ring her a bit later on and say that you wanted to bring up some concerns that you didn't during the visit.
There is a lot of help and resources available. Never any intention of removing children, that is the last thing anyone wants.
Good luck, you will get there, honest.

How are you today OP? I read your post and a couple of years ago could have written it word for word myself, apart from the ELCS bit.

I felt exactly the same. Exactly. I was rubbish, DD was difficult. I'd be better going back to work. etc. etc. I felt like this for quite a while actually. About 18 months in my case, although for some it resolves quite quickly.

Pleeeeeease do talk to your DH and your HV, and maybe also GP. You might have PND, I did, and I felt a lot like you are describing. The more mention it to people, the more people I discover went through the same thing, and everybody is either too scared or ashamed to talk about it. Don't be. You can be helped, it's NOT your fault and is no reflection on you as a mother, and it WILL get better, but please ask for help.

Fastforward and DD is now 2.9 and is just the centre of my world, she's hysterical and funny and a chatterbox and a basket of giggles most of the time, and I adore her. You will get this too, but please ask for help.

Dx

Thanks for all your messages.

The HV came this morning and I didn't really get chance to say much. She took one look at me, asked if I was OK because I didn't look it and I burst into tears. I spent most of the time she was here crying!

I told her some of what I've said on here. She's made some practical suggestions including taking DS to GP as she wonders if he has silent reflux (she witnessed one of his screaming fits and thought he seemed in pain). GP has prescribed gaviscon to try.

HV is going to come to see me weekly for a bit. She's going to let me see how I get on this week with some of the suggestions and the gaviscon etc. She said I'm putting too much pressure on myself.

I feel a bit better knowing that someone knows I'm not always coping so well.

That's good to hear, although weekly checking in doesn't seem that frequent in my opinion, don't be afraid to call her between those visits if you need her support, my HV visited me DAILY when I was going through this but I lived in a small town so maybe she was quieter.

DON'T be embarrassed about crying in front of her, she is a professional. When I was going through this, a checkout assistant at Sainsbury's asked me how I was through passing and I burst into tears and wailed 'lonely'. Now that is embarrassing!

Thanks for making me smile Beaches, I bet the poor check out assistant didn't know what to do!

She did say to ring her before then if I needed to talk. We live in a densely populated area so I can't imagine she could accommodate much more than weekly visits.

Hi OP, hope the Gaviscon helps your DS. DD also had silent reflux and was in pain a lot of the time, and it really did contribute to making those early months a miserable time for all of us. I think I would have had PND anyway, but I think some of the feelings were exacerbated by the reflux, because of the screaming, the feelings of being rubbish at being a mother, the not being able to settle her, and not being able to go and meet friends etc. as other new mums seemed to do.

If the Gaviscon doesn't work, or if it seems to work, then get worse again, please go back to the Dr, again and again if necessary. Gaviscon works for some SR babies, but it's a fairly mild remedy and there are more effective ones available if DS is still struggling.

There are lots of people here with experience of SR babies, so please reach out for help and advice, there are lots of things you can do that will help him, and don't be afraid of making a fuss to get what you need here. It can be a bit 'ignored' by some HCPs (not all obviously, some are fab!), but you don't need to leave your little boy in pain.

I really feel for you, as I had a very very similar experience to you, and I remember how dark it felt, but all I can do is assure you that you will get better, and he will get better, you'll both survive this difficult time, and one day you will be tickling and giggling and cuddling with your little boy and you will realise that you are overflowing with love for him.

D

beaches

Scared TBH it sounds to me as though you are experiencing depression.

This is what the NHS should ask you to diagnose and this is a more in depth questionnaire which I used myself

The detachment you speak of is so so common with PND and is nothing to do with how you are/will be as a Mama going forward. If you get the right support these feelings will lift and you will be able to enjoy your DS. Can you tell me what sort of dark thoughts you are experiencing? These are often called 'intrusive thoughts' and are a symptom of depression.

With DC2 I felt like that.

Told my HV when DC2 was 3 months old.... that was in Dec '12 and I haven't seen nor heard from her since I hope your HV is more 'on the ball' than mine. I felt sort of rejected by her, which far from helped my situation. DC2 is now 16 months and I still feel the same :(