Can I be honest with my health visitor?

[ScaredToBeHonest]

Since having DS 3 months ago by ELCS, my emotions are so up and down. I feel so detached from him at times. I look at him and can see that he is cute and it is nice when he smiles at me but no more than when any baby smiles me.

I cannot really say that I love him as I should. I feel awful for saying that but it is the truth. I waited to feel the rush of love that everyone talks about when having a baby but it has never come. I feel that if I was never to see him again, I wouldn't particularly miss him. I am looking after him and tending to his needs............because that is what he needs and what is expected of me.

DS cries a lot and is not a content baby, he will not be put down in a bouncy chair etc and doesn't nap at home so we spend a lot of time out and about, which gets exhausting. He tends to cry a lot at baby groups so I just feel like a failure when all the other babies are so happy and content.

I often think that going back to work would be a blessing because then I would only have to deal with him in the evenings and weekends.

My feelings are so up and down; I go from really low to OK. I don't seem to have a happy state where DS is concerned. Things seem so much brighter when I'm not with him.

When DS is crying a lot, I just can't cope - I become tearful and anxious. My DH is fantastic with him and just seems to know what to do and DS settles for him. I have dark thoughts about DS and these scare me.

The health visitor is coming to see me tomorrow for a routine visit. Part of me wants to be honest about my feelings but they are not continual and therefore I feel like a fraud, because at times I feel OK, although even when feeling OK, I am just going through the motions where DS is concerned. I am scared to be honest about how I feel and also about the dark thoughts I have, even though I understand this is quite common.

I'm scared that by being honest about how my feelings, DS will be taken away. I often think he would be better off with someone else but my DH and family would be devastated.

Sorry for such a long rambling post, I just wanted to get my thoughts down even though they are a bit jumbled.

Oh needles you poor thing. Please find a good gp and book a double appt and tell them. Pnd can go on and on if untreated. What an awful way to live. I'm so sorry your HV failed you.

awww OP i know exactly how you feel - i too had my DD by c-section (emergency) and i can honestly say for the first few months, maybe even longer i done what was required of me, and made all the right noises etc! even down to the crying at babygroup (baby not me) first time we went, i spent all but 5 minutes in another room as DD was crying hysterically!!!

every single day from about 3.30 she was like a time bomb waiting to go off - i dreaded it, hated it even. so many times i said to DP we should take her to the hospital something must be wrong for her to cry like this. she wasn't the centre of my universe but was pretty close ifykwim.

anyway, fast forward about 6 months and my god how things changed - she became easier, i calmed down and things just changed. she is now 3yrs old and is completely and utterly my everything the love of my life.

looking back, for the first few months i was in a fog and just got on with it. that being said i've spoken to a lot of mums about this as i felt awful for not "loving" her straightaway and i'd say about 80% of them said the same. i would say my love for her grew and grew as it does with a relationship type of thing.

please don't beat yourself up about this or hate yourself, what you are going through is natural for sooo many women, some just don't admit it.

speak to someone and get some practical help and in time things really will fall into place.