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Original poster

Dd1 is delightful, ds is adorable and cute, but dd2...

44 replies

emkana · 14/07/2006 20:54

... and I just clash all the time and she winds me up so much! And I feel so guilty about it...
she will be three in August and she is very headstrong, totally different to dd1 who has always been very compliant. It doesn't help that she wouldn't settle at playgroup when she started there in February, so that after two months of trying I had to take her out again. She is due to start again in September, but for now we spend every minute of the day together and tbh I could do with a break from her.
I know that sounds horrible, and I hate myself for being so grumpy and miserable with her all the time, but she just winds me up the wrong way somehow.
All I hear from her all day is, in moany whingy voice, "But I don't wannooo" or "But I want to!" or endless, endless why questions which get on my nerves sometimes...
I feel that dd2 is getting the horrible mummy, whereas dd1 and ds get all my good bits.
Oh I could go on and on, I just feel so guilty and bad but don't know how to change things.

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Original poster
emkana · 14/07/2006 21:08

Anyone?

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Judge · 14/07/2006 21:10

Oh em, i dont know.

There may be a quality in her dogged determinedness thats a positive.

trinityrhino · 14/07/2006 21:11

I'm sorry I have no advice, at the mo I feel the same about dd1 and dd2 gets all the 'nice bits' of me

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bubble99 · 14/07/2006 21:11

I'm here, emkana. I went through this with DS2 and it feels horrible to feel so negatively about your own child. He is now a dream and DS1 is tending to P me off.

Has DD2 reacted badly to the arrival of DS?

Waswondering · 14/07/2006 21:11

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edam · 14/07/2006 21:14

Aw Emkana, don't be too hard on yourself. You've been through an amazingly stressful time. And some small children would try the patience of a saint, esp, the 'I don't want to' or 'why, why, why'.

One tip I was given, which does work on those days when I'm just bloody grumpy and ds is being very irritating, is just to stop, draw breath, and start being really nice to him. Really OTT. If I can find a way to make him laugh, that helps too. But the happy mummy act (feel like blasted Sarah Jane from Beebies) does seem to turn things round, get ds feeling better and therefore more helpful/less of a pain. It's completely un-natural, of course, feels very odd when all you want to do is shout 'be QUIET' but it does seem to work, when I summon the energy. Of course, I've only got the one to deal with...

Original poster
emkana · 14/07/2006 21:14

She's coped amazingly well with the arrival of ds, much better than I thought.

I think a lot is to do with the fact that dd1 is so easy-going and compliant and sweet-natured and a lot like me, whereas dd2 is just the opposite to that and I just can't handle it.

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mears · 14/07/2006 21:15

These are totally normal feelings Emkana. Toddlers can be total pains in the ass! I make no apologies for being so brutal. 3 years olds test your patience something rotten. When my DS wouldn't settle I am afraid I would let the staff peel him off me in the morning and I left. They said thatthey would phone if he wouldn't settle but I never had to go back in early for him. It broke my heart at the time but in a few eeks he was fine. She will also feel that DS is interlouping on her space. Try and make some time for her alone if you can. problem is that toddlers don't want you to stop devoting time to them - it is a learning thing of shring mummy. No magic answer I am afraid. I liked Toddler Taming by Christpher Green - it describes the world from a toddlers perspective and made you realise that they were not being horrible deliberately. It will get better honestly.

bubble99 · 14/07/2006 21:16

DD2 will probably go far in life! I don't have girls but I've heard that they 'know their own minds' at a much younger age than boys. Is she very independent? Does she want to do everything for herself?

Original poster
emkana · 14/07/2006 21:18

I always have this guilt thing going of "I should enjoy every precious minute with my children... they grow up so fast and then I'll look back to this time... blahblah" and then I feel so bad about just feeling annoyed by her most of the time.
She was absolutely, totally hysterical while at playgroup and actually got worse and worse over time, so I had to take her out in the end.
In September I'll be brutal though, she has to go!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Original poster
emkana · 14/07/2006 21:19

In some ways she's very independent, but in others she is very clingy to me. But she does know her own mind all right!

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Original poster
emkana · 14/07/2006 21:21

Dd2 has been testing me since the day she was born...
She's been a challenging baby, toddler, now nearly pre-schooler!
It's funny because dd1 made parenting seem so easy, then dd2 came along as the advanced version.

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bubble99 · 14/07/2006 21:24

Aha! You, like me, were lulled into a false sense of security by your first baby/child. I was totally smug and couldn't understand what all the fuss was about!

And then....

Along came DS2.

Posey · 14/07/2006 21:24

emkana - your entire post (except mines a ds) could have been written by me. You have my entire sympathy with the whinging!
My ds also wouldn't settle at pre-school and is due to start nursery September. We too see too much of each other.
I watch with interest and in the meantime send "know-how-you-feel hugs" xxx

soapbox · 14/07/2006 21:28

Em - there is a technique which some phsychologists suggest for relationships which are not working - so it might work for a child too.

It is quite simply to act as if you totally and utterly adore the person all the time. With time the other person responds to this and before too long the idea is that you don't need to pretend any more.

It might be worth a try.

I suspect DD2 knows that you feel differently about her to DD1 - they are amazingly perceptive little things. Her ability to separate will probably improve dramatically when she feels more secure in your love and affection for her.

It may be worth a try - you've nothing to lose really

mears · 14/07/2006 21:31

My DS1 was a wonderful baby - so happy and content, hardly cried except to get fed. Slept all night from 9 weeks (breastfed).

Turned into the biggest shite of a toddler when DS2 was 6 weeks old. He tested my patience ever since and he is now 19 years old. When he is nice, he is very very nice. Unfortunately he just thinks about himself most of the time and can't understand why i lose my patiece with him even now. He is away on holiday for a few days with a friends family (his mum is so much nicer than me) and we will enjoy the break from each other.

Just thought I would give you a snapshot into the future

Judge · 14/07/2006 21:31

Yes i had that too bubble (tis vvvqv btw).

DD was so easygoing - was utterly smug.

DS came along and i totally fell to pieces - he did the total opposite of everything and anything. He is so so funny though. Thats his "charm". He is going to be a real comedian as he grows up.

mousiemousie · 14/07/2006 21:34

write me a list of all the lovely and positive things about dd2 emkana {smile]

mears · 14/07/2006 21:35

That's a good idea mousie.

niceglasses · 14/07/2006 21:36

I've got three like you now Emkana, and its the middle one who seems to wind me up as well. I do feel terribly guilty about it too. Like you its the constant whinging and what I call 'lolliping' or 'flopping' about. I feel very aware of the middle child think as well, and I don't even have the excuse that the elder one is easier, cos hes not really, hes got a right temper but I can sort of cope with that better than the whinging and carry on. The youngest one is a right madam too (maybe just my kids then!!). sorry not helping much, but I know what you mean. I try (very hard) to focus on his good points which of course he has and ignore the bad, but this is not at all easy, esp for you at the moment. I do sometimes feel that maybe we are destined to clash and that makes me sad as well...........

Original poster
emkana · 14/07/2006 21:37

She is very affectionate, extremely funny and very clever, she can talk very well.

I really think that if I had a break from her every now and then I would see her good points far more clearly.

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Original poster
emkana · 14/07/2006 21:39

I wish I could see into the future sometimes to see if things will get easier between me and dd2 as she gets older.
Things for shooting that hope down in flames with your example, mears.

Do you all feel this pressure to enjoy them - in a way that actually ruins things instead of making you enjoy the time with them?

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chipkid · 14/07/2006 21:42

emkana I was thinking exactly the same about ds today-dd (21 months) is utterly adorable-easy as pie. Ds (5 tomorrow) is and has been since toddlerdom really trying!

He pushes my buttons wher dd doesn't.

If asked to describe his good points I would say exactly the same as you-he is just a willful, dominant child who cares not a jot about pleasing others!!!

niceglasses · 14/07/2006 21:44

Yeah, there is that pressure because so many pple say it to you. Its hard though because again I think pple forget that its bloody hard work as well! I think they have their rose tinted specs on - highlighted by the fact that its mostly old biddies who say it!

I just try to enjoy 'that minute' ie the actual moment you are in now and not worry too much about making it all enjoyable, cos it sure aint.

mears · 14/07/2006 21:44

I think you can't enjoy them all of the time TBH. That is life. However, the really good times outweigh the negative ones. We look back at pictures and videos and DS1 is really cute in them.