Feel like I've let the boys down massively.

[MrsHelsBels74]

I've suffered PND since (well it feels like forever, not sure I fully got over it after DS1 was born).

I've never been great at housework, and DH is the same, so our house is messy I don't mean just normal household mess I mean cluttered & untidy & dirty, to the point where I don't invite people round because I'm so ashamed.

I've said before to my HV that I'm struggling with the house & they offered to get Home Start involved. Saw my HV today & they basically said that they were so concerned about the state of the house that if I had been diagnosed with PND they would have got SS involved.

I just feel like such a crap mother that I have allowed this to happen. Incidentally DH was there when the HV said this & basically disagreed, saying it wasn't that bad (his parents house is even worse than ours, so it's what he's used to).

I feel like I need to just get on & get the house sorted, but I just feel so defeated & down I don't know what to do.

DH has recently lost his job and has said he'll work on the house when he finishes (last day at work on Friday). It's not ideal but I guess it's something.

I just feel so rubbish.

it's hard isn't it?

do you have some friends who could come round and help you have a big blitz?

i think when it gets bad it just seems insurmountable and you just don't know where to start. you need to both really want to get it clear and be motivated to do it.

my advice would be to tackle one room at a time. be ruthless with decluttering, get rid of as much stuff as humanly possible. either charity shop it or dump it.
then you can clean.

but you haven't let your children down. there are more important things in life than a clean house, and it sounds like you've had a really tough time. you're doing your best and that counts for a lot!
are you on meds/getting treatment for the pnd?

You havent let your dcs down at all pnd is a horrible thing i really feel for you could you and dp do a blitz of the house together ?

How worrying for you :(

Throwing stuff away is the easiest way to start cleaning. Get an entire roll of bin bags and just bin stuff, it's a nice idea to take stuff to the 2nd hand shop but that is an extra step and the stuff might just sit in your hallway waiting to be taken to the charity shop and eventually your children may unpack the stuff, just bin it all.

What are they saying? That the house isn't tidy enough or clean enough? I would think that tidy is more important for kids, a child isn't going to be hurt by an uncleaned toilet or a pile of dirty washing.

it is really hard to see the mess as unusual if you have grown up with mess (like you said your dp had). My mum was really really messy, I watched a documentry on social services and thought it's not that bad! Can the hv give your dp pointers about what is the most important areas to clean/tidy?

I hope it goes ok for you ()

Thanks for replying. Yes I am getting help for the PND, but it's really hard.

We know the areas we really need to tackle & have started on it, the HV could see changes have already been made. But I feel DH is half in denial about how bad it is, but does accept it could be better.

Am sure we'll get there, I'm just sad it has got as bad as this.

You WILL feel better when the clutter is out of your life. It is probably fueling the PND. Good luck x

The thing is about cleanliness, it's a very subjective judgement, so if your DH is used to a lot of dirt, his standards will be lower, same if your HV is really over the top about cleaning, her standards will be higher. Your key aims should be basic standards of hygiene, the following list is an example:-
BATHROOMS
Clean and accessible sinks . Toilet accessible (e.g. no stuff stored in front of toilet) and clean, flushable (not blocked). Bath accessible (i.e. don't store laundry or whatever in the bath).

BEDS - all beds made up, don't store stuff on them, bedding should be clean (i.e. not smelling of urine, aim to change bedding every 2 weeks even if not obviously dirty), make it clear which bed is for which child.

SAFETY-No clutter/toys on stairs, clear access to exits - look for fire safety e.g. big piles of paper / stacks of boxes, Could you get out of the bedrooms to the front door in a fire at night?

KITCHEN
No dangerous stuff left out on kitchen counter or floor, e.g. empty glass bottles, out of date food, bin bags of rubbish. Fridge, oven, microwave relatively clean e.g. no large amounts of mouldy food etc.

Make sure there is food to make a meal, enough clean dishes to eat it off and clean clothes available.

Are they going to get homestart to help?

You don't do stuff at weekends you do it every day. Are you watching tv a lot? Turn it off !
Hoover Pick up crap. Wipe. Be ruthless daily.

Every morning and evening have the house as realatively smart as if someone was popping in. Ie beds made. Towels during. Laundry away. Kitchen sides clear. Table wiped. Hoover every other day. Wash the sinks. Bleach

Drying. Towels drying

(((((Hugs)))))) I am not a tidy person nor is dh. I also suffer from depression. I find that I am normally able to blitz the house once a week when dh here and quick clean when people coming. I am so embaresssed if people drop in. How bad us it?

Why not get a professional team in to do a deep clean. it would give you a clean slate to start from. They will have seen it all before so there's no need for embarrassment.

Ps you h ave not let ds' down.

You have not let down your kids. You've a particularly nasty illness. I had it too. Awful awful awful.

I recently came across this website - and there is a thread on here somewhere - called something like Unfuck Your Habitat. It is very militant and bossy in style but all the swearing made me smile which in turn motivated me a bit. Might it be worth a little read? But only to see if it resonates and makes you smile or motivates you. You must promise to shut it down right away if it makes you feel overwhelmed or worse about yourself.

Tw really great websites

here (unfuck my habitat)

and here (flylady)

both have really useful tips and strategies to emerge out of CHAOS (Cant Have Anyone Over Syndrome). There are also MN threads about both websites/approaches.

I grew up in chaos, I was just about surviving until my baby arrived, I feel your pain.

I found when ExH left the place descended from BAD to WORSE! What I found was picking a job, put everything away (phone - I love games on mine, TV etc.) and do that job. For example one evening I decided I'm going to clear that damn windowsill. Piled baby vests no longer fit - in the bin. Those photoframes - lay to one side for later. Hair bands and brushes - put in the cupboard in the bathroom. Dead flies - in the bin. Wipe down whole windowsill with dettol spray. Photoframes + a bit of Mr Sheen and put back properly. Voila!!! One clean, tidy windowsill! I proceeded to repeat for the mantelpiece and kitchen windowsill! One evening = 3 very visibly tidy surfaces. Months and years of dust and clutter was instantly banished. Now I go over with a duster once a week or so. But it was an instant improvement that spurred me on to clear every surface in my house. Another evening I tackled the kitchen sides. Massive carrier bag for letters/old bills. Put in back of cupboard, old birthday cards wedged by the microwave, in the recycling. All my nail varnishes cluttering the top of the microwave, in my makeup bag inside cupboard in the bathroom. All the crumbs behind the toaster - hoovered up. Pull every appliance and wipe down all the surfaces, replace appliances, stand back and admire! Remember to wipe them over a bit too - I forgot my toaster was white. Each time I would reward myself once the WHOLE job was completed - normally with a cup of tea and fag

It can be done you just have to have a plan and take time out. Once you see one improvement you'll want more. One night I went to sleep thinking I'm gonna pull the sofas out and sweep then mop behind them. Next day I did it, then DM dropped her glasses behind the sofa and inside I was beaming with pride because I wasn't mortified she would see millions of old toys/manky biscuits, sticky bits etc. That right there was my massive reward and what I aim to maintain.

Remember once you've done a large job (like all the windowsills) its done. You don't let things accumulate there and its done, behind you, gone, allowing you to tackle the next job.

I like juniorcakeoff's list.

Here is a link:

UnFuck Your Habitat

X post with youaremyrain!

Isn't it strange the way cleanliness and depression seem to go hand in hand. Whenever I'm starting to head towards an episode of depression the first sign is always that I stop cleaning. It spirals so quickly that I suddenly find DP pointing out that mouldy bag of rolls that have been sat on the side all week, the three bin bags of rubbish I haven't taken out to the dustbin yet etc. I just can't seem to do it, I don't know why, everything just becomes too hard.

I now write lists on huge sheets of paper in red marker pen. 5 tasks for each day. I've also made a habit of forcing myself to wipe down the kitchen every time I use it and put bowls, plates etc straight into the washing up bowl. It's tough to keep it up but I know if I leave anything it will all spiral.

Could you try just 5 small things each day? Or five big things, depending on how you feel you want to tackle it? It's getting on top of it that's hard and then maintaining it. I recommend lists. Lots of lists

You haven't let anyone down because you are doing your best. You just need a bit of help at the moment.

Nowt wrong with that.

I second Wallace as soon as I put the DCs to bed I write my list. It goes: Washing up, washing (as in put in the machine), fold washing (by this I mean strip the drying racks of dry clothes), wipe the sides, wipe the table, hang washing. So that's my list, meanwhile I potter around, shoes in shoe box, toys in toy box, dishes on the side to be washed etc. I have a radio that goes on and I play out my scene, when I go to bed I carry up folded washing and away instantly. Come the morning everything has been left tidy and welcoming, getting the day off to a good start.

YY to getting up to a clean and tidy house. It makes such a difference. Plus by keeping on top of those little jobs during the day I never have loads to do before bed anymore. I used to have an endless list and every morning would get up and be in a flap trying to scrub dried on porridge off breakfast bowls while DD whinged that she was hungry and baby DS crawled round eating last nights dinner off the carpet! (We are talking about a dark time here, it's all better now, don't judge me!)

Oh honey, you're not letting them down! Depression is a bitch of the highest order and it is nigh on impossible to keep on top of housework with young children even without pnd.

I find it helps to have a few jobs which we do at set times each day which are non negotiable. Dishes and a quick blitz of downstairs every night after dinner without fail. Spend 5 minutes clearing the breakfast stuff away and giving a little tidy in the morning. Fold clothes as you put them into baskets, baskets of folded clothes are so much less threatening than mountains of crumpled washing waiting to be put away. Whenever you find yourself with a few free minutes pick a small area and blitz it, don't pick anything big... A shelf, a metre of countertop, a section of floor. When you've done it take a break with a cuppa and admire your handiwork.

Bin stuff mercilessly, charity is all very well when you have the time and energy but right now you just need to get it out of the house. Do little bits as often as you can, don't try and tackle it all at once... Slowly and steadily is the aim here.

You'll be amazed how much better you'll start to feel once your house starts to improve, its not going to be easy but it will be so worth it. Good luck

Where are you love? I'll gladly come and help give it a once over if you're near, I'm still ebbing in and out of PND myself, thankfully more good days than bad now (after a year!) I know what you're going through, you've not let anyone down, it's a horrid, crippling thing to have. To you and I'll throw in a hug too.

I do feel for you as I'm also not a naturally tidy person and the whole messy/depressed thing does just become a vicious circle. I,ve had to become tidier as my dp is OCD tidy and just refused to come over if mine wasn't ok. What works for me is to not drag it out - I set out a specific time each day, say half an hour or an hour, and just challenge myself to see how much I can get done in that time. Sometimes I even find myself enjoying it and carrying on, but even if it's only half an hour, when you,ve limited time it's amazing what you can achieve. And you,re NOT letting your boys down, you wouldn't be so concerned if you weren't a loving mummy, and that's what they REALLY need.

Bin it all and then clean it all. Cleaning is shit and I hate every minute of it, but it has to be done. Less stuff you have = less stuff to clean. It is stressful for kids living in a tip, but this is a temporary blip- it's not permanent, you could be sorted by Friday. prioritize cleaning over everything else this week.