Feel like I've let the boys down massively.

[MrsHelsBels74]

I've suffered PND since (well it feels like forever, not sure I fully got over it after DS1 was born).

I've never been great at housework, and DH is the same, so our house is messy I don't mean just normal household mess I mean cluttered & untidy & dirty, to the point where I don't invite people round because I'm so ashamed.

I've said before to my HV that I'm struggling with the house & they offered to get Home Start involved. Saw my HV today & they basically said that they were so concerned about the state of the house that if I had been diagnosed with PND they would have got SS involved.

I just feel like such a crap mother that I have allowed this to happen. Incidentally DH was there when the HV said this & basically disagreed, saying it wasn't that bad (his parents house is even worse than ours, so it's what he's used to).

I feel like I need to just get on & get the house sorted, but I just feel so defeated & down I don't know what to do.

DH has recently lost his job and has said he'll work on the house when he finishes (last day at work on Friday). It's not ideal but I guess it's something.

I just feel so rubbish.

I am you! Or I was you. It gets better sweet, honest.
Most importantly you have not let anyone down, your dc, DH or yourself. Your health is not a choice you made and trying to beat PND is fucking knackering, you've done a full day's mental workout by the time you've got out of bed. You are doing well and you will get there. Your DH sounds supportive, if a little in denial, mine was embarrassed he hadn't been able to keep it all done - he was starting to get a situational blues because it was such a sign of how we felt and was so overwhelming.

We had a pattern - big clear, 12 hour days until it was done. Then I was so utterly fucked over by that I would think that plate can go through in the morning or I'll sort it later. It slid back, always.

Now I don't do that. What worked for us was
Pregame plan: do we have enough storage or just too much shit? Our cupboards etc were filled by the shove until you can wedge the door shut method. I had an hour with a pad and wrote what I would find helpful.
Vac storage bags for bulky stuff (saved a whole cupboard and kept duvet/whatever clean), proper storage and proper bins in every room so no rubbish accumulated & once storage was full then we chuck stuff. Do my cleaning tools work? Do I need to get anything?

Game day: There wasn't one big one. I started small. I spent 15 minutes & stopped. I actually crawled to the table and started there. I said 'that is grand for 15 minutes work' and praised myself for what I had done instead of berated for what I hadn't. Felt daft but it helped. Then I got into the swing and instead of a time limit I had a job limit - do the washing up, hoover, clean kitchen- I did it for as long as it took but only did one job a day. Then built up from there.

Post game: I wrote a list of what I had done. I would always be tired and sore & give myself grief for how much of a shit tip things still were. With my list I was not aching to my bones but still surprised myself with how much had done.
The whole deep clean took me a long time (& DH) but then I could keep up in just half an hour a day.

I really struggle to organise & with self discipline when my mh is bad - so I use lists, my phone and the big guns - I asked DH to help keep me doing it , he'd say 'shall we do xyz now or after we zyx?' 'will you wash or dry?' No shall we leave it, no 'are you just leaving that there then' & it really helped. He motivated and reminded me kindly, never making me feel like crap or nagging. I repay that when I am stronger.
What ever method you choose, you can do it, you can and will get there. You are doing great. Baby steps, don't reproach yourself - you know the issues there is no point going over old ground - sincerely recognise your achievements, because they are big and even the mundane is important.
I will be a cheerleader for you if you need one. PM me if you ever need someone to listen or tell you mucky jokes

TotallyBursar, what a lovely, lovely post.

Thanks everyone, lots of great tips here, will try to digest them all & formulate a plan of action.

When things get overwhelming break it down into doable chunks.

Take one room - decide what to do - find the floor (looking at you DS1), clear the horizontal surfaces, sort the shelves or that cupboard. Something that isn't too daunting but that you will be able to see the difference. It will give you a boost everytime you see it and spur you on to tackle another area.

Good luck.

Hope you're feeling a bit better today OP. Reading your thread yesterday have me the impetus to sort out my understairs alcove. I have been the most ruthless ever and I remembered the mantra "invite nothing into your home if you do not know it to be useful or believe it to be beautiful" I always fall into the trap of thinking that I can't throw things away if they are valuable but that keeps me stuck in clutter and chaos.

Your thread was so timely for me because only yesterday I was thinking "I keep cleaning a house but really I want to keep a house clean!" Grrrr.

As I was just loading stuff into the car to take to charity I realised that I keep making the mistake of thinking that things/stuff will make me happy whereas the opposite is true - lack of stuff is more the key.

I just want you to know that you are not alone. There are loads of us in the same situation.

thanks Hearts.

Just checking in to see how you were feeling today Mrs, hope you are easing up on yourself and the plan is afoot.

Yeah you can always clean your house you cant teach someone how to love their children

All the Hv will want to see is that you've improved things

Hope you start feeling more positive soon, if not come and rant away here. !