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Original poster

NON-BIRTHDAYPRESENTS for siblings?

54 replies

noonar · 10/07/2006 11:07

What do people think about giving a sibling a token present, even though its not their birthday? dd2 is 2 on sunday and have bought dd1 a tiny gift so that she doesnt feel quite so left out!!!!!! have i done the wrong thing? i should say that i'm also making a big thing of getting my 4 yr old to choose a gift for her little sister.

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CaptainFlameSparrow · 10/07/2006 11:11

I always grew up with the birthday bunny - he gave a very small present (worth about £1-£2) to both the birthday person, and the sibling.

I've been told that "they have to just learn that they can't always have something", but I always loved it, so will carry it on.

Original poster
noonar · 10/07/2006 11:13

thanks captain, i grew up with it too and cant see that it did me any harm as am quite good at giving in my old age! some colleagues are v.critical tho.

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CarlyP · 10/07/2006 11:18

I think its a bit strange. its not their brithday, cant see the point in it really. but, whatever you feel is best. no-one else can tell you how to bring your children up!

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SoupDragon · 10/07/2006 11:18

Absolutely ridiculous idea IMO. I grew up with 2 elder siblings and never expected to get a present on their birthdays.

serenity · 10/07/2006 11:19

I don't do it as it's not something I was brought up with, and I don't think it does them any harm to not get something just because one of the others does. On the other hand MIL always buys presents for all three. Birthday child gets clothes and a main pressie, other two get clothes. It used to annoy me from the view that MILs finances aren't great, so I didn't think she should be buying unnecessary presents. Now it doesn't bother me and the DCs don't expect it from anyone else.

Iklboo · 10/07/2006 11:20

My nana did this with me and my cousin when we were growing up - BUT, because his birthday is on Boxing Day, he got a present on MY birthday, but I didn't get anything on his "because it's Xmas"

ghosty · 10/07/2006 11:23

It isn't something that I do with my children but I always got an 'unbirthday' present when I was a child from my aunties. They always felt sorry for me because my 3 siblings have their birthdays within 2 days of each other and my birthday was months away.
Nice idea ...

Greensleeves · 10/07/2006 11:23

No, I think it's a crap idea. I think it's an example of how we insult children by underestimating them, I'm afraid. If allowed/expected to, children are quite capable of being altruistic and loving and being excited on behalf of the birthday child, without there being anything in it for them.

I can remember my brother and I getting up early on my ninth birthday (he was 11) and seeing my presents in pink paper on the table - and he actually hugged me with excitement because it was MY birthday. It's one of my nicest memories. It never occurred to him that he might get something too.

anniemac · 10/07/2006 11:23

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Original poster
noonar · 10/07/2006 11:24

i kinda dont really agree with it myself when i think deeply about it, but still think its quite hard for the sibling to witness the other one getting all that attention. thats life tho....

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noonar · 10/07/2006 11:28

what about gifts for the sibling when a new baby is born, then? i know tons of people who do this. is this any more/less acceptable?

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Greensleeves · 10/07/2006 11:31

I think that's completely different. We bought ds1 a watch from his baby brother (hid it under the new baby's blanket for ds1 to find), as a "big brother" present to acknowledge his new position in the family - because we thought he might be feeling wobbly about losing his status as the baby and wanted to give him a definite new, important role IYSWIM. I don't see that as being at all the same as giving a child a present on their sibling's subsequent birthdays.

Cloudberries · 10/07/2006 11:38

I think it depends on the age of the child. I remember getting a small gift too when it was my sister's first birthday (I would have been five). Don't remember getting anything after that. I DO remember going to a toy shop with my aunt when I was older to choose a birthday present for me and really resenting the fact that she also bought one for my younger two sisters just because one of them started to play up (parents definitely wouldn't have done that!)

Original poster
noonar · 10/07/2006 11:41

i can see what you mean, gs- there is a difference. however, the similarity is that i too am trying to address the fact that my eldest might be feeling a bit wobbly on her sister's birthday. and, in actual fact, when we did this last year, we presented it to her as a 'thankyou for being a good big sister present' from dd2. thankyou for taking the time to respond, gs,but it would have been nice if you could have done so so without telling me that what i'm doing is an insult to my child.

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Greensleeves · 10/07/2006 11:44

But I didn#'t tell YOU that what YOU were doing was an insult to YOUR child. I answered your general, public question by contributing my opinion, part of which is that I think giving siblings non-birthday presents is one of the ways in which we insult and underestimate children's capacity for altruism. If you don't agree, disregard it, FGS.

MN is a police state these days.

SoupDragon · 10/07/2006 11:56

Personally, I'd prefer to take the older sibling out to choose a present to give to the birthday child. Make them feel important for choosing and then excited about giving the gift.

Original poster
noonar · 10/07/2006 12:01

don't wanna argue about semantics, gs. have read lots of your posts and agree with much of what you say about parenting, endless reward charts. just hope you're a bit more diplomatic if a friend asks for advice!

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noonar · 10/07/2006 12:02

sorry, meant to say eg what you said ABOUT reward charts.

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Greensleeves · 10/07/2006 12:07

If my friends ask me for advice I give them my opinion. I don't pussyfoot about trying not to hurt their feelings, but I'm not deliberately nasty either. Don't ask for advice on a public forum if you want to be softsoaped. I don't think the post you're objecting to was particularly controversial or unpleasant.

I haven't commented on reward charts etc for months and months, as far as I can remember have you got me mixed up with someone else?

Polgara2 · 10/07/2006 12:11

Noonar, we always do it - don't see the harm in it at all, its only a small present. Small children don't think the way we want them to do they! What's wrong with making everyone happy? Having said that will probably knock it on the head when they get older.

Polgara2 · 10/07/2006 12:13

PS Noonar, I would have felt the same as you about GS' post if I had started the thread. Sorry Greensleeves, just being honest.

Greensleeves · 10/07/2006 12:14

No problem, Polgara. I won't be losing any sleep over it.

I think there should be an icon people can select for their thread title which says "No honest opinions please - I'm going carry on doing what I'm doing, I just want my ego massaged".

moondog · 10/07/2006 12:15

Gosh,I give mine lovingly wrapped little gifts every morning simply because I am so glad that they exist!

Feistybird · 10/07/2006 12:17

No, don't do it - get a bit of whingeing and 'that's not fair' to which I answer 'Life isn't fair'.

Tough love in the feisty household.

mumfor1standfinaltime · 10/07/2006 12:19

Sorry but agree with green sleeves on this one, a silly idea imo. A friend of mine does this with her 2 dd's and it drives me mad! Children surely have to learn that they can't always be the centre of attention and to share?