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Original poster

Running out of eggs - dilemma re having a 2nd DC

34 replies

octanegirl · 29/10/2013 08:42

I'm 36 with a 9 month old DS (my first).
I've got a very low ovarian reserve - advice from the doctors is to not wait if I want a 2nd child. I asked if I could wait a year and they said no.

My "plan" was always to have a three year gap or so - but nature is against me on this one. I don't feel ready to have a 2nd now, but equally the thought of never having another child fills me with sadness.
DP isn't terribly keen for another but says he might be persuaded.

I don't really know what to do. I am just getting my life sorted again after having DS and the prospect of another so soon is daunting.
WWYD? Is having two little ones twice the work or is it not so bad?

I never thought I would be under pressure to have a 2nd child, but I suppose life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans.

Thank you....

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Cosmo89 · 29/10/2013 09:16

Sorry - a horrible dilemma- I wouldn't have been ready so soon (we need a big gap for various reasons anyway) but unfortunately if it's as pressing as they say - and if you really will regret not having another- / just jump and do it now, if it's financially feasible.

Can you do anything to make it less daunting for you - better support network?

RoadToTuapeka · 29/10/2013 09:25

I have found having two children incredibly hard work (2 year gap) but I wanted two and couldn't risk waiting longer owing to my age. Two friends have an 18 and 20 month gap (would that be about your gap if you were to conceive now-ish?)

They found it incredibly hard in the first few months - eldest still a lot of work, needed carrying etc, but - and now the youngest are just over a year - they say it is great, has been hard but so worth while.

I'd say if, for the reasons you say you can't risk waiting, and you'd like another, go for it! There are challenges whatever the gap but benefits too. All the best with whatever you decide and hope it works out.

Pistillate · 29/10/2013 09:26

I got pregnant when my first was 9 months. It was fine. It was hard work, but as soon as they were both walking and talking, the workload was minimal, because they kept each other happy! Be prepared for about 18 months of slog, but the benefits are huge after that. IME the 3 year age gap can be tough... Much harder to share your parents and toys at that age.

Good luck deciding

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TooTiredToBeCreative · 29/10/2013 09:30

It will be hard in the early days. My friend has a 14 month gap and did struggle a bit in the early years. Now her DC are 10 and 11 and she loves having them so close in age.

galwaygirl · 29/10/2013 09:37

I've a two year gap (DCs are 2.4 and 4 months) and find it fine, tough days/hours/minutes but nowhere near as tough as having the first one. That's what completely shook up our lives! I always thought three years was meant to be the worst for sibling rivalry? And I think it'd take a lot longer for them to be able to play together. My older DC already tries to include younger one in her games.
We had IVF so I remember that panic of thinking you needed to get on and have another if you could. If you think you do want a second DC I would just go for it ASAP. Whatever gap you get will have positives and negatives and as I said you might find it a lot easier than the early days with number 1. I find myself wondering what the hell I did with my time when DC 1 was a baby when at the time I thought it was so tough.

Reality · 29/10/2013 09:39

I've had an eighteen month gap and a seven yr gap. It's all hard however you look at. With ds1/dd, I was in the baby and toddler stage for twice as long but then with ds2 in was plunged back into it after getting used to not being in it.

So swings and roundabouts really.

TeaAndCakeOrDeath · 29/10/2013 09:54

I had something a tiny bit similar, hope you dont mind if I mention it - when pregnant with DS1, I had some bleeding early on (6 weeks or so). Thinking the worst I went for a scan at the EPU and was told the baby was fine but that I had cysts on both ovaries and that it was one of them causing the bleeding.

One side was bigger than the other so it was monitored by scans and was shown to be growing very quickly - at 12 weeks pregnant it twisted/bled and I collapsed.

I was admitted to hospital and the pain was controlled with morphine until 19 weeks where the pain got unmanageable (morphine dose would have to be too high for baby) and the cyst was removed, and as it had destroyed my ovary and fallopian tube, they went too.
Rest of pregnancy went fine and DS1 was born normally.

Then we had the decision you are sort of in, I had 1 ovary left which also had a cyst on it. If we waited, the cyst could completely destroy the ovary and it would need removing thereby ensuring we couldn't have more children.
But having one so soon after DS1, we just didnt feel ready...

We managed to get to 18 months and then got pregnant with DS2, he's 5 months now and its been fine

I know you dont have this sort of time but if the thought of not having that second baby makes you feel sick then perhaps it would be better to go for it and 'muddle through' with 2 small ones than miss that opportunity altogether? I know its such a difficult decision to make though...

Dont know if this essay will have helped! Good luck whatever you go for

nemno · 29/10/2013 10:00

Mine are 20 months apart. While it was a bit hard when they were young I have felt that there were many positives as they got older. I now think the way we did it was ideal (doesn't everyone! :) ).

But as there are pros and cons with whatever you do age gap wise, if you know you do ultimately want 2, go with what your circumstances are dictating. Good luck.

Aquariusgirl86 · 29/10/2013 10:04

What a dilemma.....
I really can't comment on the dilemma you are in but I can tell you what it's like having two toddlers now 14 months and 29 months (15 month age gap, I got pregnant when dc1 was 6 months) although my close age gap was through choice I love it. They play together, share toys, eat the same food go to bed at the same time in the same room, it's really not much harder than having 1 toddler, infacf easier in some ways because they always have a friend to play with. The hardest part was having a newborn and a toddler as hard to take dc1 places when dc 2 was constantly feeding!
I love this age ago so much I want another two with a 15-18 month age gap. So although I can't really help with your dilemma as such I can say that a close age gap really hasn't been a bad thing for my family :-)

ZebraZeebra · 29/10/2013 10:15

Oh god, I feel for you. I think you need to think of the long term gain, not the short term "pain". You don't have the luxury of waiting unfortunately so - imagine five/ten years from now, after the initial hard work of two young babies is out the way - how do you feel about the prospect of just having one child, or two?

In your position, I would be thinking of the endgame - taking the opportunity of having two children now. Bite the bullet, you will cope with two young children. Could you say the same for dealing with regret/sadness of not doing so?

DontCallMeDaughter · 29/10/2013 10:20

This is a tough call and I don't think there is going to be a "right" answer.

We found out I have a low AMH level (low ovarian reserve) as well after I had dd... I really didn't want a small gap because my mum had terrible PND after I was born and blames it mostly on the fact my sister was only 18mo.

So we waited until dd would be at least 2 when dc2 was born... but then it took us a year to conceive... so now dd will be nearly 3 when dc2 is born and I really regret waiting, I wish we'd just got on with it after getting the AMH details. We both found the ttc really stressful, with the clock ticking in the background the whole time.

If you're sure you want a second, then I would just stop using contraception and let nature take its course. Then if it happens, it happens, and you can do the full on TTC thing after a couple of months if you need to!

Original poster

octanegirl · 29/10/2013 10:39

I agree with you all that I ought to just get on with it, daunting thought the prospect of two little babies is.

DP is citing numerous practical reasons that having a second is a bad idea - lack of another bedroom, money etc. Do all men do this?

I can't do it without him being on board for obvious reasons, and I'm not about to try devious methods.

OP posts:

heidihole · 29/10/2013 10:42

Your baby at 18 months will be so so different to how they are now at 9 months. You have 9 months of pregnancy for the first baby to 'grow up' a little bit. My DS is 18 months now and I'm due in 3 months time with the second. DS is a proper little person now, can get up and down off the sofa safely, eats neatly without mess on the floor, sits in his chair and "reads" his favourite books if i'm tidying up. A lot will change so don't be too daunted. Your baby won't be 9m still when you give birth.

Personally i'd rather have a tough year with 2 under 2 then miss the chance to have a second baby.

rrreow · 29/10/2013 13:24

Having two is hard work, but definitely worth it (I have DS1 2.5 and DS2 5mo).

Having kids is an emotional decision, not necessarily a practical one. My DH has this attitude to life to make decisions based on emotions, and then to sort out the practicalities afterwards. It totally goes against my practical Dutch nature, wanting to carefully balance risks, know what comes next, plan everything: but in reality it works.

I'm fairly certain that you'll only ever regret the child you didn't have.

SteamWisher · 29/10/2013 13:28

Yes men tend to think practically! Would his practical concerns be addressable? Eg lack of space - siblings can share and you might want to move at some point anyway. Money - well you can reuse baby stuff. Childcare - obviously depends on what your plans are re work etc.

The thing is, ovary problems aside (I don't mean to sound flippant) but you might have planned for a three year gap and it might never have happened. I wanted a shorter gap, had a MC, so didn't happen.

Do you want a second at all? If yes, then you must go for it now by the sounds of it.

Tailtwister · 29/10/2013 15:22

Our 2 are 2.4y apart and although it has been hard work I'm pleased we had a second (I had DS1 a few months before I turned 38). It took us 8 years to conceive DS1 and so we decided it would be wise not to wait too long to try again. Amazingly we were successful first time.

foreverondiet · 29/10/2013 18:31

If you want a second child go for it now. It might not happen anyway but at least if it doesn't there will be no "what ifs" - yes its hard but in some ways easier for them to be close in age and to be able to do stuff together.

Could you do a round of IVF and freeze some embryos that way delaying the decision for another day...

Iwaswatchingthat · 29/10/2013 18:36

I think you will regret not going for it. I have a close gap (17 months). I can't lie it was really hard. But it passed and now I have two lovely girls who are great friends. I would start trying - you only have limited time to do this. For everything else you have forever.

You probably just need to be very straight with your DH about it all. My DH often needs me to be very explicit about how I am feeling. He does not really get nuance!

Good luck.

SpottedDickandCustard · 29/10/2013 18:45

What a difficult decision for you and your dp.

I guess you need to decide whether you want 1 or 2 children in the long term.

If the answer is 2, than you need to get PG ASAP.

But it is Ok to just want one if that's what you want and what is right in your circumstances. We had a 2nd and though we love him dearly we were definitely influenced by society/friends/relatives telling us that No1 needed a little brother or sister.

roweeena · 29/10/2013 19:19

Someone told me once that there was never the right or a good time to have children - there are negatives and positives with all age gaps. Do you want another child?if so just crack on

Iwaswatchingthat · 29/10/2013 19:20

Agree roweena

If I listed all the cons I would not have had any children!!!

Original poster

octanegirl · 29/10/2013 19:20

I definitely 100% want two. But DP hesitant. It's more a question of convincing him without guilting him into it or putting pressure. He does not respond well to pressure, but what am I to do?

OP posts:

Iwaswatchingthat · 29/10/2013 19:29

Hmmmm tricky.

Does he respond to facts? You do have medical advice on your side.

It really is a now or never.

Original poster

octanegirl · 29/10/2013 19:40

He does and is fully aware of the now or never situation but has bizarre arguments, such as "If you hadn't met me you might not have a baby at all/might never have had one" ..therefore I should feel lucky to have one and not insist on a 2nd. It's different for him. He can procreate whenever he wants. I can't.

OP posts:

Iwaswatchingthat · 29/10/2013 20:04

What about explaining to him from the point of view of DS - having a sibling etc?

I really wanted a third, but did not make my feelings clear enough to DH.
Too late now and I regret not being more forceful.

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