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Parenting

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Original poster

Am I doing it all wrong? Creating a "rod for my own back?"

34 replies

mummyoliveoil · 25/10/2013 04:07

Hey Mummies... I am new to the site and new to being a Mummy too. I would be so great-full for any comments / suggestions please... but please be gentle, I'm a sensitive soul, lol ;-)

My beautiful little girl is just over 4 weeks old - she's my first. I am exclusively breastfeeding her. Up until now I've read no books or manuals and I was just following my instinct / heart and going with the flow. I had no idea I was doing things "wrong" or against the norm, until today... when I attended a local parenting group for new mums with babies (aimed for ages 6-12 weeks).

My routine at the moment.. is no routine! I feed my baby on demand.. which is usually 1.5 - 2 hourly day and night (sometimes less, sometimes more - I don't bother clock watching to be honest). She is healthy & happy. She is gaining lots of weight. She is alert and I've had a couple of smiles. She rarely cries - i don't give her chance I pick her up and tend to her needs immediately. She nurses to sleep with every feed. I often sit with her cuddled up to me for the two hours between feeds. On the occasion i do put her down if she wakes I pick her up and feed her back to sleep. I co-sleep with her at night and she feeds 2 hrly (ish) and we sleep soundly together in between. She cluster feeds and gets fussy most evening for 2-3 hours and I just try to roll with it and cuddle and feed her as she needs - eventually nursing her to sleep.

So.. said parenting course has made me feel like mummy failure of the year! Apparently she's feeding too much... should be going 3 hourly in day and potentially longer at night. I should try to push her feeds further apart in the day... ? with a dummy. They said I shouldn't nurse her to sleep and this is creating a rod for my own back and that my baby needs to learn to self settle and i should... feed, change, play and then put down to sleep. They showed us a video of a baby self settling and said let them cry it out (i was thinking no way!).

So, my question to you is really this... am I creating a rod for my own back? I was just doing what felt right / natural and I guess being a bit of a softie.. now i'm thinking I'm creating problems for when she's a bit older? I know she's not going to be 16 and breastfeeding to sleep (lol) but will this be problematic when she's few months or few years old?

Help!

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read / reply.

MummyOliveOil xxx

OP posts:

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ZuluWarrior · 25/10/2013 04:11

Hello. Someone will be along soon with a less sleep-deprived answer (feeding unsettled DC3) but I just wanted to say that you're doing everything absolutely right. Ignore what these people are saying and have confidence that you're giving your baby a fabulous start. You can't spoil such a tiny baby.

Congratulations and keep doing what you're doing .

JollyScaryGiant · 25/10/2013 04:22

Sounds like you're doing fine. The most important thing is that you're both happy with how things are going.

I'm naturally quite a routine focused person so find it better to have more structure. At 4 weeks though there's not a great deal of opportunity for structure/routine as most bf babies need to feed frequently and don't self settle. (I don't know about FF babies).

magpieC · 25/10/2013 04:43

Tis all bollocks IMO (what they said not what you're doing). I was very routine-less with DS - fed whenever he seemed to want it and fed him to sleep until he was at least 1 (or was either that or walk him in the buggy). He's now 2 and settles himself to sleep and still doesn't need a strict routine which I find very useful.

DD is 4 months and feeds whenever she wants (which during the day is still often 2 hourly although that's sometimes cause she's tired and needs a quick nuzzle to go to sleep).

I found introducing solids gave a bit more routine as we then got into the pattern of 3 meals a day but until then enjoy it - BF is a special thing and has so much flexibility in that you can do it with no prep and whenever necessary and can provide comfort as well as sustenance.

Enjoy the cuddles :-)

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BusyCee · 25/10/2013 05:01

Aye. What they say us balls. Search for info about the 'Fourth Trimester' - pretty much says that for the first 3 months they still want/need to be with you as much as possible.

And if you need a little mantra to help you cope with the well meaning (or not) advice and guidance of others, this worked for me; there isn't a single 'right' way to do it. If there was we'd all be doing it and babies wouldn't cry, children wouldn't be naughty and mothers wouldn't occasionally get to their wits end.

Sounds like you have a lovely intuitive relationship with your baby. Congratulations x

Hardrockhallelujah · 25/10/2013 05:21

You can't create a rod for your own back with a tiny baby. They are too little to understand anything like that. What you are doing is just what baby needs and what I did/am doing with mine. DD is now 4.5 months and I'm idly starting to think about routines now :) I do clock watch a little but only because I am interested in what may (or may not) be coming next

Keep doing what you're doing - sounds like you are doing just what baby needs and congratulations!

Original poster

mummyoliveoil · 25/10/2013 05:36

Thank you so much lovely mummies! Your replies and encouragement (alongside a chocolate magnum) have really helped me put things into perspective :) xx

OP posts:

vichill · 25/10/2013 05:48

I'm a new mum to a 4 month old daughter. I have also followed my instincts and indulged her every whim and it's been an absolute joy. She too hardly cries, is very happy and healthy and although she doesn't sleep through, she has fitted in to with own lazy arse routine of in bed 10 till 10. I am never tired due to the co sleeping and sometimes don't even remember how many times i woke. On average I would say 2x15 minute feeds with a 5 hour stretch. Occasionally she will sleep in a travel cot for dh's sake and never moans about it. She was feeding as regularly as your dd at that age and has spaced feeds to 3.5 hours herself. She is meeting all of her milestones early and is becoming sociable.

If you're both happy what is the point in enforcing routines contrary and training her to wait with an empty belly? Tell her to mind her own business. Your baby your rules!

RedorBlack · 25/10/2013 05:50

Dear lord people do love to impose their own ideas on you don't they!

Please ignore them. You have a happy healthy baby & sound like a great relaxed mum, why on earth would you want to change that. We did exactly the same & allowed dd to lead the way. Now at 9 weeks, she is naturally starting to find her own routine (even though she does cluster feed a lot) and will comfortably go 5 to 6 hours at night between feeds & is a great little sleeper.

You have loads of time to get into a routine, and are doing a great job. My advice is ignore them and enjoy you baby

BobaFetaCheese · 25/10/2013 05:50

Glad the replies so far have been helpful (welcome to mumsnet btw!).
Congratulations on your little girl, there is no malong a rod for your own back at this stage, it's whatever works best for you and baby.

I didn't have a routine with my first, but having it with my second (formula fed so a lot easier to go the 4 hrs between feeds) has been really helpful!

No matter what you do there will always be a parent/professional/book/guideline that disagrees with you.

mustardtomango · 25/10/2013 06:37

Relieved to read the replies to your post... Our lo is one week and my approach is just as yours. Cant say how many well meaning people have brought up the 'spoiling' issue!

FishfingersAreOK · 25/10/2013 06:56

No-one I have heard about has ever said "I wish I had cuddlled my babyess when they were tiny."

Enjoy you baby. Plenty of time later for routines. Establishing a routine will take a few days now....or a few days down the line. Do it later, if at all. I rushed to get a routine (partly due to pnd) and forgot to enjoy the cuddles.

lagoonhaze · 25/10/2013 08:14

You are doing a great job.

Id be interested who the parenting group was run by as it sounds like they are giving out inappropriate (and in my opinion cruel advice)

Id make a complaint!

matana · 25/10/2013 08:26

You're doing amazingly and that's why you have such a happy, healthy little girl! Well done! And what's more is you sound happy and like you're taking motherhood well within your stride. No mean feat after just 4 weeks!

I was like you and apparently broke every rule in the book by going with the flow and listening to my ds' s needs. I was rewarded with a happy baby who rarely cried unless hungry, a brilliant little sleeper and an unbelievably confident, secure, attached and happy little boy who is now 3. He has never had trouble sleeping anywhere, any time. From memory the only routine we did consistently from early on was was bath and bedtime at about 8 weeks, though we began very loosely initially.

MuffCakes · 25/10/2013 08:28

Your doing whats right for you and that's all that matters. I ff and established 4 hour feedings and I had them sleeping through the night very early because that was what worked for me. But I also co slept because that's what I liked so enjoy those snuggly baby cuddles OP as I'm feeling a bit jealous now.

I don't see why people have to impose what they want you to do an cant see everybody and everybody's babies want different things.

jewelsandbinoculars · 25/10/2013 09:05

Just to say, that I did something v similar with my DD when she was little (Just followed instinct - EBF, fed her to sleep, co-slept, carried her in sling - we didn't even have a buggy until she was c 5 months old, no routine) and felt exactly the same when a well-meaning person leant me the baby whisperer and I read that I was doing it all 'wrong'.

FWIW, I'd say keep doing whatever you're doing, and trust that if it stops feeling that it's working for you, you can always move to a different way of doing things to suit you/your baby (I did, at around 6 months or so - my DD was waking a lot looking for the boob to settle and I night weaned). Nothing is set in stone. One thing I would suggest without changing anything you're doing though, is that if you have a partner, get him (or her) to practice their own way of getting baby off to sleep at night (my DP danced our baby to sleep in his arms - they both liked it, it gave me a break, and I think it made it easier to transition her towards going to sleep on her own that she was used to going sleep in more than one way).

Chocotrekkie · 25/10/2013 09:12

As the mum of a 10 year old I would say you are doing exactly what I did when she was born only I didn't put her down at all during the day - she slept on me while I sat with my feet up watching telly.

I miss those days....

When she got older and was running about she had a habit of falling asleep in the high chair or car seat.

notadoctor · 25/10/2013 09:13

I was like you and wouldn't have changed it for the world. I do have to admit that my DD (now 23mo) is still not a great sleeper - she needs us to lie down next to her to doze off and will wake up for cuddles a few times a night. However I absolutely don't think it is because I made a rod for my own back - I just think it's who she is. She is a very inquisitive, sociable thing and for her that doesn't stop at night! My lovely sister in law parented my beautiful niece in exactly the same way (breast fed to sleep, cuddled all the time etc) and at the same age she now sleeps through the night and self settles with no problem. I think she's just a much more laid back little person - who loves her sleep! In short, personally, I believe our little ones are already their own people and our job is to use our instincts to respond to their individual needs the best way we can. You sound like you're doing a great job! Enjoy those gorgeous new born cuddles!

BeansAndCheese · 25/10/2013 09:16

You can't overfeed a bf baby as they regulate their own intake. I I don't understand these pre written rules that babies are supposed to follow. They've not read them. Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job and are on the path to having a happy, healthy and secure child.

IHeartKingThistle · 25/10/2013 09:29

I did do 'routines' of sorts with my babies but I didn't start that until they were about 10 weeks. Before that they're too tiny and snuggly!

You're doing fab.

MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX · 25/10/2013 09:36

I did exactly what you are doing with both mine.
At 9 weeks my dd slept thru the night and ds slept thru at 11 weeks. 11pm-6am. My theory with mine is because they knew cuddles and milk were available whenever they wanted it, it gave them the confidence to gradually go longer and longer with out a feed. Either that or the fact they got sick of if they made a wimper they got a boob shoved in their face.

TristanFarnon · 25/10/2013 09:38

The best thing you can do is whatever suits your family. It sounds like this is working for you all, so you are doing a wonderful job!

My own bundle of joy is three months old, and is napping on my lap, as he always has done! He is starting to put himself into a bit of a routine, but I just do what he tells me. Your LO will gradually start spacing out feeds, we are up to between 1 and 4 hours now. As long as I accept who is is and what I want and need to do for him I am happy. It is only when other people make me feel like I am in the wrong I feel upset and not coping. You spent the most time with your baby, you are in the best position to know the right thing to do. If you are in the mood to do some reading, check out Attachment Parenting.

Smile, repeat, "this is what works for us." Assure them you will support them in however they want to raise THEIR baby .

ZebraZeebra · 25/10/2013 14:12

Exactly what everyone else says. You sound like you're doing a great job. Quite why a) it's anyone else's business and b) why anyone thinks you should impose restrictions on a baby is beyond me!

DS is nearly one and until he was six months, the only I did was every couple of hour encourage a sleep or put him on the baby gym. Most of the time he slept and fed.

Keep your baby close, nurture that secure attachment and enjoy the cuddles! I can barely remember what it felt like to snuggle my new born! He's one on Sunday and at baby groups now he's off like a shot without a backward glance!

cantthinkofagoodone · 25/10/2013 14:17

Feeding to sleep MAY cause a sleep regression around 16/17 weeks as their sleep changes. This is, however a long way off in the scheme of things and you sound as though you're doing really well EBFing your DD and enjoying it.

I wish that I could have just gone with the flow like you are, I might have enjoyed it more!

Nothing is set in stone at this age and any habits are quite easy to change if you want to for the first few years.

Mabelface · 25/10/2013 14:19

You and your baby sound like you're doing just fine without any interference. Keep doing what you're doing and take what you've been told their with a huge pinch of salt. These babies are very clever at letting you know their needs and have been doing so since the year dot without any parenting manuals, which they can't read anyway.

WeeLors · 25/10/2013 16:46

Awww, I got such a warm and fuzzy reading your OP, all those cuddles sound lovely. Your baby is still teeny and just wants to be close to mummy. Carry on as you are

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