Am I doing it all wrong? Creating a "rod for my own back?"

[mummyoliveoil]

Hey Mummies... I am new to the site and new to being a Mummy too. I would be so great-full for any comments / suggestions please... but please be gentle, I'm a sensitive soul, lol ;-)

My beautiful little girl is just over 4 weeks old - she's my first. I am exclusively breastfeeding her. Up until now I've read no books or manuals and I was just following my instinct / heart and going with the flow. I had no idea I was doing things "wrong" or against the norm, until today... when I attended a local parenting group for new mums with babies (aimed for ages 6-12 weeks).

My routine at the moment.. is no routine! I feed my baby on demand.. which is usually 1.5 - 2 hourly day and night (sometimes less, sometimes more - I don't bother clock watching to be honest). She is healthy & happy. She is gaining lots of weight. She is alert and I've had a couple of smiles. She rarely cries - i don't give her chance I pick her up and tend to her needs immediately. She nurses to sleep with every feed. I often sit with her cuddled up to me for the two hours between feeds. On the occasion i do put her down if she wakes I pick her up and feed her back to sleep. I co-sleep with her at night and she feeds 2 hrly (ish) and we sleep soundly together in between. She cluster feeds and gets fussy most evening for 2-3 hours and I just try to roll with it and cuddle and feed her as she needs - eventually nursing her to sleep.

So.. said parenting course has made me feel like mummy failure of the year! Apparently she's feeding too much... should be going 3 hourly in day and potentially longer at night. I should try to push her feeds further apart in the day... ? with a dummy. They said I shouldn't nurse her to sleep and this is creating a rod for my own back and that my baby needs to learn to self settle and i should... feed, change, play and then put down to sleep. They showed us a video of a baby self settling and said let them cry it out (i was thinking no way!).

So, my question to you is really this... am I creating a rod for my own back? I was just doing what felt right / natural and I guess being a bit of a softie.. now i'm thinking I'm creating problems for when she's a bit older? I know she's not going to be 16 and breastfeeding to sleep (lol) but will this be problematic when she's few months or few years old?

Help!

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read / reply.

MummyOliveOil xxx

Your only making a rod for your own back if you are doing something you don't want to do in the future like feeding to sleep I still do it at 21months it doesn't bother me so it's fine if it would bother you doing it long term you may want to look at other options. People also told me that DS would never sleep in his own bed at night because I brought him in at some point each night but at about 15mo he stopped wanting to come to my bed and now wants me to go into his bed to get him back to sleep then I go back to bed so they were clearly wrong on that account :)

I've been doing exactly the same with little boy who is now 16wks old. I had all the comments too. I know what I've done is right for us. It's how I naturally wanted to respond to him. My OH feels the same. I'd be interested to know what group told you this is wrong, seems very outdated and even if not outdated these days how you parent is such a personal choice.

Anyway just wanted to say you sound great, keep doing it. Everyone comments on how calm and happy my little boy is, I think it's because he's so secure.

Thank you ladies your positive words mean a lot. And (of course) you are all right! It is great to hear so many positive experiences from mums that have chosen similar parenting methods. Thank you to you all for taking time out to reply x

who the hell is running this parenting course? it sounds awful. the current advice is to breast feed on demand and not to sleep train with controlled crying until at least 6 months, if at all.

You are doing exactly what I did and I got similar comments, which I ignored. DS was fed on demand, long cluster feeds at night, he had most naps on me or in the buggy, we co-slept and he never really went longer than two hours between feeds til he was about 7 months. He is now 13 months, he self-weaned for his daytime feeds (I still do morning and night) and he self settles in his cot for most naps and at night, which I taught him to do when it felt ready for both of us. I'm still waiting for that rod for my back...

I'm living down under at the moment so the course was run though the local equivalent of sure start. Thanks again for all the advice :) xx

Aaarghhh. I really hate all this 'rod for your own back' crap. She's not old enough to be manipulating you so please don't fret. Just carry on giving you what you need.

Every single baby out there is different and funnily enough they all come without the one thing we could all do with - an instruction manual.

Your course leader doesn't know you or your baby do how could she possibly know what's best for either of you.

My HV came in all gung-ho women DS was tiny. He screamed constantly with reflux/Tummy troubles/wind/colic and all I could do was walk around bouncing him. Well, HV came in, took him in her arms and proceeded with half a dozen things which 'would definitely calm him down'. I watched her try for over an hour - many of the things if already tried - and she handed him back and just said 'well, I'm really not sure I know what to suggest'....

Follow your instincts. You carried your child, you know her better than anyone else.

I have done exactly as you are doing with both my children (except my first was bottlefed), they both learned to self settle in their own time without being left to cry or any other "sleep training" ds1 was easy going and could self settle by 3 months old, ds2 much more demanding was 14 months before he self settled and still prefers at 19 months to fall asleep on the boob. Do what you feel is right for you and your baby. The rod for your back stuff is bollocks. Congratulations on your new baby, you're sound like you're doing a great job.

There is no right or wrong way to parent. Only what is right for you.