Bribing children to do things

[hunkermunker]

When do they "get" this?

What if they don't?

DS1 was two in April and has no concept of being bribed to do something.

I'm kind of uneasy with bribery to get him to do things I want him to do though.

Franny, weren't you reading a book about this?

Thank you, Franny. I knew you were unlikely to be around

I'll have a read.

Thanks NQC and FoM too - I'm not ruling out bribery, just navel-gazing about it all (as is my habit, I think!).

The thing is, though, fetishizing rewards is the normal way of the world, isn't it? People get very flappy about titles at work, or desk location etc, all of which is fetishised rewards, isn't it?

I dunno. I do know I'm sick of constant demands for magazines, ice cream, and being able to take random crap to school to show off.

The only time I bribe is when I cannot get my 2 year-old into the car seta. I have biscuits in the car. I don't like bribery to get them to do something, but if you are desperate then you got to do what you got to do I think. However, I do think it's a bad idea to bribe to get them to tidy up or help at home as this is not just a phase, but sometimes they have to do for the rest of their lives. I had to train my DH to do things in the house. He was used to getting paid by his parents for everything he did and obviously I wasn't going to give him 50 pence everytime he picked up his socks from the floor.

we use "dressed first then biscuit" routine a lot with ds1(he'll accept a crumb of a bicuit handily. His receptive language is ??? difficult to judge but below a 2 year old, expressive?? behind ds3 who is 17 months, so I think it's something you can introduce reasonably early (although ds3 isn't quite there yet).

What I find is that if I only use it when I really have to then it doesn't become routine. At the moment we are using his wish to go into the garden as a bribe to get him to eat his tea ("tea first then garden"). It's working because he'sless shuddery about eating and reallyweants to go into the garden. Where possible I always make the reward something we were going to do anyway.

Another thing that works with ds1 is to remove whatever he is fiddling with then say " shoes first then blanket"- has to be something quick then though and I can imagine an NT child might enter some whinge festival then- ds2 would- but could be worth a go.

Do you think using the term "bribe" is part of the problem? After all there are loads of incentives throughout life where we learn that it is worth doing x however horrible or boring it is as we will possibly end up with y.
I cannot possibly spend time explaining in depth the short and long term benefits of DD1 putting on her own socks and shoes each morning as she has no interest or ability to appreciate them. However if I by pass the true benefits and reasons why I am keen she learns to do this quickly and on her own and include it in her daily star chart award where she will gain a star if she does this simple boring task quickly with no fuss, then she is learning a skill that I think is important and she is happy as she is getting a little reward. She is not being constantly showered with gifts or sweets, she is gradually saving them up for a special treat such as a trip to the zoo or a new pack of hama beads. Ok, so I would probably get her these things anyway, but it means more to her if she thinks she really deserves it thanks to her being a good girl.
A long winded way of saying that I don?t feel uneasy with bribery, it is a big part of our daily life and totally comfortable with it. We keep it positive with short, achievable targets, plenty of praise, no sweets or food involved in it and it really works. I must read fandz?s book as it sounds fascinating to get another perspective on this hot potato.

whatis the main premise of the book then?

Fairymum I do that! Ds3 is 22 months and he is really bad at going in his seat! I say 'do you want a biscuit' and he says 'yes' and I say 'right well you have to sit nicely in your seat then' and then he does. Quite funny actually because sometimes I don't even have a biscuit with me and once he's strapped in I say - 'when we get home' - evil!!

Even funnier when ds2 says 'can I have one' and I have to tell him I only said it to get ds3 into the seat!! Ahhh, not exactly textbook mummy me!

It's not bribing is it. would it be bribing if your boss says "do this work and you'll get paid"? I think not.

Obviously you shouldn't overuse a reward system or it becomes meaningless. That's why I bribe my chidren with pasta which I can also threaten to take away for "bad" behaviour.

DS2 got this at about 3 I think.

I thought someone would bring up work/being paid.

I think that's different. I'm trying to work out why I think it's different though.

I think probably because I know that if I don't work and get paid then I won't have anywhere to live, food, etc, etc. I want those things, so I work - the reward helps me get those things.

So is it different from bribing children to do things we want them to? I think it is, subtly. But I'm not sure why I'm uneasy with that.

I'll get back to you

I'm not trying to be inflammatory (there's a first) - I just don't know how I feel about this yet.

Listen Hunker - just wait till your youngest is about 3 and you can't get either of them to do anything as they jolly each other along! Nightmare I tell you!

I was just thinking its an age thing GDG- and an individual child thing as well I think. I barely needed to think about the way to get ds2 to do anything as he just did it. Suddenly at 4 and a half he changed dramatically into whinge whine festival and if a bit of "do this then you'll get this" works then hoorah.

DS1 obviously needs a physical incentive - he has no sense of wanting to be social, he just wants to do what he wants to do, never mind if that involves not eating, or wandering into strangers houses. He didn't need anything like it when he was younger as he was so passive he would let you make every decision for him.

DS3 is so ridiculously bad tempered (cute smile though) that anything that keeps him mild mannered will be worth it.

How old is your dd Floating?

DS1 is a very good child (I am not boasting, I'm stating facts, I promise!). One of his first words was please, he says thank you in shops and to the Sainsburys delivery man for each bag(!), asks people how they are and replies fine when they ask him, shakes hands with people (God, he sounds like a small elderly man!), says sorry if he wants to get past somebody eg at toddlers (other children and adults), talks about having turns with toys and on the slide, one of his first sentences was "More apricots, Mummy, please", he often runs to the stairs when it's time for a nap, throws his bear into the cot and says nap Mummy.

I say all this because it's actually a huge great shock when he does something "childish" - he sometimes has tantrums where he stands and wails until he gets what he wants - and because he's usually so "good" I don't know what to do with him - a "naughty step" doesn't work as he likes sitting on it and will just think it's time to go out (it's where he sits when he puts his shoes on).

I'm very, very, very sure that he'll be a threenager to end all threenagers btw - and I can't believe I'm doing anything in particular to get him to behave so well - but like I say, it's a big shock when he does kick off and I honestly get totally floored by it. I must look a right wally if he shouts when we're out - like I've never seen a toddler before

(I'm SO hesitating about pressing post now...don't jump on me too hard please)

I find myself doing the negative bribe thing. saying we can't go swimming/preschool etc cos he hasn't gone for a wee/let me put suncream on/brushed his teeth etc. I have tried stickers which work sometimes and i know its too much stick and not enough carrot but its much faster. And when I try random praise for good behaviour he sometimes then stops it and does something naughty instead. And I have no idea what to do with the running off laughing when I am trying to get him to do soemthing (I can ignore inside but not on a busy road)

Oh, you know, FoM - the braggy mum thing is a bit tedious and it's the braggiest I've been on here tonight

I'm not scared to discipline him - and I don't give in to wailing (WHEN do they work out it's not blinking worth it though?!) - oh, I don't know - it's just because it's so rare that he does kick off and when he does it's SO dramatic - I just do a goldfish impression when he does it!

my 2 yo wouldn't have any idea about bribery either, not remotely. If I said 'if you do x you can have an ice cream' she'd hear ;have an ice cream' and would really, really, want the ice cream. I don't blame her. I think ds got it at about 5 ish. I've only read the OP, apologies if the discussion's moved on!