How to feel about DC2

[Eeeeh]

Dc2 is only days old but I'm feeling confused about how I do/should feel - I don't have any negative feelings but feel as though there's something stopping me from letting go and feeling all the love that I could, and should be feeling. I'd like to be able to be really enjoying this but it almost feels as if I'm cheating on dc1.

The first time round I was completely bowled over by the power of the love I felt for my baby and tbh I still have this strength of feeling.

I'd be mortified if anyone knew this was how I felt. How do I get over this and really enjoy this precious time?

Bump

Hi

congratulations on dc2.

I remember feeling the same when ds2 arrived. I could hear dp gettinf ds1 to bed while i was in bed feeding ds2 and i had that feeling like i was cheating on ds1. I wanted to put him down and go and be with ds1! It takes a while for things to settle down and become the 'new normal'.

I remember wondering how i could love ds2"as
much as ds1 and i think this is normal. It took a little while to work out how to juggle both and realise that loving ds2 wouldn't compromise my time with ds1.

Your baby is so new and you are probably tired. I would give it time and cut yourself some slack, i think a lot of women feel the same.

That said if you feek low etc maybe mention to your midwife or hv.

Good luck and enjoy your los

ps i now have 2 dds as well and i love them just as much :)

I felt the same with number 2 and 3. I felt like I was cheating on DS1 when DD came along then I felt I was cheating on DD when DS2 came along.

It took a bit more time to feel the same but I suppose given the time and effort that is put into your first DC, you can't really feel the same about your brand new baby, it's weird at first to have another.

I really thought I wouldn't do this with my third but I did!

I suppose with first time babies you have nothing to compare him or her with. Then with subsequent babies, how on earth can they be anywhere near as precious as the last one - yet!

Thanks for your replies. I felt a bit better through the day in the sense I was feeling more strongly towards dc2 but ds1 was out and about and busy. But now we're just at home this evening I just wonder why we've done this to ds1 - he just seems so unhappy. I know it will become the new normal and there will be happy times ahead but I think we should have appreciated how happy we were before.

It is hard. Especially if you had the rush of love with dc1. I did. Hit me like a steam train. Loved him with my whole being from the moment he was plopped up on my tummy.

Was so happy to be pg again, but it was much harder physically (horrific spd) and i didn't bond with my bump. Still expected the rush of love and the disappointment and guilt when it didn't come was enormous.

She could have been anyone baby. And she was taking me away from Ds who i just wanted to cuddle. I protected and cared for her of course yw

Rats posted too soon...
I can honestly say it was 8 weeks before i felt a bit of love for her and 4 months ish before it was equal in its intensity and ferocity to the love i still have for Ds.

The sadness of upsetting the balance has gone too. Disappeared the moment Ds made dd laugh for the first time. And when i watch him ignore me at nursery pickup until he's kissed his beloved baby sister.

It's ok to not feel anything yet.Someone said that to me and I'm so grateful. The love will come. Hang on in there.

Thanks Barberry. Just had a few tears at your post. Feeling sad tonight in pretty much the same ways you described. Can only give it time.

I don't have a dc2 yet but this is exactly what I worry about. Part of what was so overwhelming with dd was that all of it, the emotions themselves and just how strong they were, was so new and unique tat is difficult to imagine feeling the same when its not so new and albeit unique on tat every baby is different and unique yet the experience overall isn't.

if it helps at all my friends with two have all said the same. Am sure it will come :)

I must admit that I found the early months with dd, my 2nd child, really difficult. I struggled to bond with her and, in all honesty, didn't feel love for her at all until she was around 8 months. Thinking about it now, I feel so sorry for how I felt, sorry for her too because all she wanted was love and affection and I felt I couldn't give it. I also felt that my relationship with ds suffered because I no longer had the time or energy to play with and talk to him like I did before.
I had depression and was referred for interpersonal therapy which helped make sense of how much my life and relationships had changed and helped me see that dd added to, rather than destroy, those relationships. It also helped me see that I had nothing to feel guilty for, as I was a new mum struggling to cope under immense stress and hadn't really done anything wrong.
The love came when she was about 8 months, could move around, was less needy and came to me willingly because she wanted me, and wanted to be held and would snuggle into me. She still nuzzles and snuggles now, and offers sloppy wet kisses. They melt my heart. So much has changed in the last year.
I think that if you relax and just let it come in its own time, the bond will grow as your dc does. If you feel like you need help with it, ask. No one will judge you. Have you spoken to your gp or Hv? It was my Hv who referred me to the mental health team, and I'm so glad she did (I'm not suggesting you have depression or mental health issues, I'm saying that it's an option if you want help with building the relationship between you and your dc2).

I was possibly prenatally depressed and felt like I didn't feel the same about ds as I did about dd. It did take a while (regards what tge camera says) till I felt it. There were three things that made me realise; my mum took him out to show tge neighbours only a couple of days in and I wasn't bothered at all until it got to 45 mins later and then I started to get bothered when she got back after an hour I could have gone mental, tge second was when he was dropped on his head I clung onto him and dd was really upset by my reaction (we were on our own and shed kinda caused it), tge third I was holding him in my mums kitchen and a song came on and I reaLised tge tge wanted knew how I was feeling (so glad you came) and before I knew it we were dancing around the kitchen.

I can tell you that my pregnancy was totally ruined by obsessing about how I should be feeling.

It's early days, it's a big adjustment, give yourself a break x

Honestly it will get better. In time you will feel sorry for DC2 in that they always have to wait for everything/get mostly ignored/get carted from room to room whilst you chase around after DC1.

When i had DD, i felt desperately sad DS, i remember him looking so lost. My friend said "you Have DC1 for you but DC2/3/4 for them" it really helped me.

Thanks for all the support. I couldn't articulate this to anyone in rl and don't want to spoil the moment. I'm just terrified - that the little one could be hurt by ds... that I won't have enough energy or time to give as much to my relationship with ds who is really my world...that I can't give the baby the love he deserves. Will see how the next few days go as hormones settle down too and may mention it to HV or GP when I see them.

Hang in there, it is such a tricky time. Everyone expects the second time to be easy, i felt uprepared for how difficult it was, but in entirely different ways than it was with my first. Talking to you health visitor is a great idea.

Yes, do talk. It was my superb gp who told me it was ok not to have instantly bonded. Looking back now it seems so silly that I worried at all, DD is now 5.5m and I can't articulate how beautiful and clever and lovely she is. But it took time, and that's ok. Skin to skin helped, even though I didn't feel like doing it.

What helped DS (3.3 now) was me explaining what babies do - cry instead of talking so they do it a lot, sleep and eat and poo. Not much else. But that it was his job to teach her to smile and laugh and then walk and talk etc. he was so thrilled when she smiled for the first time, he was and is convinced it was all down to him!

I also still now point out all the things he can do that she can't. Walking, jumping, playing at the park, doing Lego, eating cake... So he feels there is benefit to being a big boy.

And we had a fair few family movie mornings in bed, all 3 of us tucked up when DH had gone to work.

Let the guilt go, it doesn't help, honestly. You will love dc2 as much as dc1, but it will be different. Sometimes the slower grown love because you love them for who they are can be even stronger than that bolt from the blue.

Time, time, time.

Thank you, lots of good sense being talked here that I appreciate is true - I just need time for it to feel that way. Had a terrible night with very little rest and lots of feeling very sad that we'd just made the biggest mistake but have had some much better moments this morning which have reassured me that I've not broken ds1's heart. Have resolved to give every effort to making his experience as positive as I can - great ideas about him teaching the baby and certainly about having some movie mornings. Going to try to ward off the guilt and be kind to myself. It's ridiculous to be feeling like this really - not like I'm the first woman to have ever had a second child

Just you wait until you hear the giggles and laughs they both have together. Absolutely nothing like it.

I remember driving on the motorway when DC2 was nearly 6 months and DC1 was nearly 3. The two of them where in absolute kinks laughing. That's when I knew I had done the right thing.

That's so lovely princesspants - I'll try to get that image into my mind when I'm having a harder moment. Sure things will have settled down in even a few days.

Regards of how I felt dd was always certain. She would kiss and sing to my bump, she still tries to kiss him every single morning as soon as she sees him, there is no greater gift I could have given her.

Just to say I've booked a GP appt for later in the week as the dark cloud has not shown any sign of lifting and I spent a large proportion of the day in tears. Can't bear the thought of continuing to feel like this.

Good for you. It's an awful feeling when you're not enjoying life with your children snd everything seems to be getting on top of you.
I hope you get some answers and help. In the meantime look after yourself as much as you can.

Well done Eeeeh. Hopefully you've got a sympathetic GP who will help you.

Don't forget the importance of getting outside, even if it's raining. And the importance of adult company to have a good whinge to.

Having 2 DC is a bit all consuming. The tiredness when also looking after a lively, confused and jealous toddler is horrific. It will get much easier, especially when your hormones settle. Just focus on getting through each day for now and steal 10 mins to kiss your toddler goodnight and read a story even if that means bf your baby at the same time.

Good luck. You haven't ruined your life, you just need a few weeks to see that.

Hey OP! I just wanted to say that I think a lot of us worry about being able to love a second child as much as our first. I think some of us worry about it so much, that when that second baby happens along we have put an enormous amount of pressure on ourselves to feel a certain way. We wait for the same magical adrenalin rush of adoration as we felt the first time round, and when it doesn't happen, we feel disappointed in ourselves, like we knew we were right all along - we don't love them as much, and it sets off a spiral of anxiety and self deprecation.

Well...here's the good news. All you need to do is relax your expectations somewhat, and stop giving yourself a hard time! Those feelings will come.

Logically tell yourself that love is not something that runs out - it's not something that has a limit. It's not as though we only have so much to use, and once you've used it there's no more. Love is limitless.

You need time to adapt, that's all.

I had the same feelings with my second son. I waited for the rush of love and it did not come. For the first wee while I was just going through the motions, so to speak. Once I stopped beating myself up about it, it all fell into place.
Please try not to worry. x

How are you doing OP?

I felt exactly the same. I worried sick about DS2 ruining DS1's life, I worried my self sick about not loving DS2 as much as DS1. That whole time was stressful and a huge adjustment for us all. I'm going to be really honest and say it took MONTHS and MONTHS for me to feel that love that everyone assumes is there from birth. I kept him safe, my instincts were there from the start, I wanted to look after him and I catered for all his needs but it felt fake almost.

I actually went to counselling and talked through my feelings and realised a lot of the problem was me being scared to love DS2 incase it upset DS1 which is ridiculous but I felt like I was cheating on DS1.

DS2 is now 21 months and just utterly scrummy and adorable and I love him every bit as much as I love DS1. It honestly is quite common to feel no love at all in the beginning though. Please try not to worry too much and just go with it. Keep doing everything you're doing. The love will come.

Its normal. You don't need to feel mortified! You were a little unit of three. Now a little stranger has come along! Everything feels like it's up in the air.

It will all settle soon down soon as you all start building new relationships with each other and the baby starts to become part of the fabric of your family.

It was like this for me when my DS was born - DD was 2.4. I was expecting a replay of the "love in" that I had when DD was a newborn, but actually second time around it doesn't happen. Don't get me wrong, I loved DS to bits, but we were just too shellshocked and busy to have many of those moments where you and DH just sit looking at baby, as you do with your first. It can be quite isolating - DH deals with DC1, you deal with DC2, you feel like you are on the other side of the river from DH and DC1 sometimes.

Now my DD has just started school, DS is nearly 2. I love them both so much, and best still they love each other to bits too. Nothing quite like seeing DS run up to DD and cuddle her as he has missed her while she has been away at school! Or watching them play together. Its lovely!

Just give it time. The first few weeks with a small child and a baby are insane! It will all come right soon as you all get used to it.

Congrats on your baby!