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Parenting

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Original poster

When you can't find your child.

42 replies

prettycandles · 18/02/2004 14:32

Although this was triggered by Hulababy's awful experience, I've started a new thread because I don't want to sound in any way critical of her.

Until ds was about 3yo, whenever we were in a busy or distracting place, he was either in the buggy or wearing reins so that I could keep hold of him. I have always told him to stay/play where he could see me, in the hope that he wouldn't wander off out of sight, because I think that 'Don't go too far' is meaningless to a young child.

A couple of days ago, at Brent Cross with ds, I saw two little girls, about 4yo, walking hand-in-hand along the main mall, one of them sobbing bitterly for her mummy. No-one seemed to be paying them any attention, so I stopped them and asked them if they could see their mummy, they said they couldn't. A security guard had spotted them (thank goodness!) and came and took over. A couple of minutes later I saw a frantic woman rushing out of a shop calling for someone; it was, of course, the girls' mother, and I told her where to find them.

This incident made an enormous impression on ds, who had been walking perfectly nicely with me until then, but decided he was now going to hold my hand. I took advantage of the opportunity to teach him that, if he can't see me when we go out anywhere, he should stand or sit still and look around for me. If he stays still I can come and find him, but if he runs around to look for me then I might not be able to find him, just as happened to the two little girls.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Northerner · 18/02/2004 14:38

It is really scary that in a split second they can be gone from view, but it does happen unfortunatley.

Just look at that CCTV footage on the news recently of that little girl in Cardiff and a man was trying to lead her out of the shop untill her mother intervened. Scary.

Original poster

prettycandles · 18/02/2004 14:52

That's the next thing to teach ds - who to ask for help, and whether to go with someone. There are some things about being a parent that I really do not look forward to!

OP posts:

Blu · 18/02/2004 15:06

Sounds like good advice, Prettycandles.

The other thing is that you intervened to help.

A woman I met on holiday told me that she had been in Kensington High St tube mall with babe-in-buggy, and three-year-old DD and 5-year-old DS holding on each side. She had had a big to-do with the three year old in a queue in Boots, demanding sweets. Later, in the tube station, she was distracted for a moment by the 5 year old, and when she turned back, 3 year old had gone.

Half an hour agonising wait, with station staff and police searching. In the end, she was found by a man who had been behind them in Boots. He had spotted her holding a huge ice cream, in the company of a man stepping on to a train. He thought 'hang on, that child was being refused sweets, and now has ice cream', and just as the doors were closing, stepped forward and said 'excuse me, is that your child?'. The man put her out onto the platform and disappeared on the train (but I think they got him).

Timely intervention...and observant about other people's kids....

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handlemecarefully · 18/02/2004 15:12

Blu - OMG, OMG, OMG!! - what a terrifying near miss.

Original poster

prettycandles · 18/02/2004 15:20

That gives me the shivers. I can't, don't want to believe that people are like that!

OP posts:

marialuisa · 18/02/2004 15:20

Wow blu that's terrifying.
In all honesty our own scary experience at the supermarket was completely down to DH being bloody useless when it comes down to watching DD. Nevertheless she now is much more careful about holding hands. We've also explained to her about staying still and waiting for someone in uniform to come along. She wears uniform to school so has a good grasp of what we mean, have done endless checks.

Blu · 18/02/2004 15:21

The standing still thng is important. Also to suggest turning round in a circle, looking for me. And then standing still and shouting my name. I think I would tell DS to ask the 'shop person' at the checkout, or to ask 'A Mummy who is looking after some children' if he needed help.

Kayleigh · 18/02/2004 15:23

I've always told ds to go to a shop person - meaning the eprson behind the till. What are the chances of a policeman or security guard being around ?

handlemecarefully · 18/02/2004 15:27

Marialuisa - re your dh being bloody useless at watching the kids. The same occurs to me re my dh. I can't in all honestly trust him to take out dd solo - because although his devotion and love for her is unquestionable, sadly his common sense and general vigilance is not. If I told him that he would be infuriated - but sadly its true

donnie · 18/02/2004 15:27

my Gosh, how terrifying....so glad the child was ok......just think...

nerdgirl · 18/02/2004 15:27

I've also always told my little guys to approach a mother with children and ask her for help if they get lost.

Original poster

prettycandles · 18/02/2004 15:39

That's a good idea, about asking a mother with children. I wouldn't rely on ds to recognise uniform yet, even though he wears uniform to nursery.

OP posts:

marialuisa · 18/02/2004 15:40

yes, HMC oyr slanging match in the car was very dignified. Apparently there was no point "playing the blame game", hmmm. TBH he's always been like this, loves DD to bits but can't understand that she needs to be looked after IYSWIM.

whymummy · 18/02/2004 15:49

my sister told me that a few months ago a 4 year old girl went missing in a big spanish supermarket,in this particular supermarket when a child goes missing all doors are automaticly shut so no one can leave until the child is found,after ages searching for the girl they found her in the toilets with her hair cut short and wearing boys clothes,a couple was arrested,scary or what?

outofpractice · 18/02/2004 15:52

I think it is quite important to make children aware that there is some risk involved with strangers, but I am quite careful not to say what it really is, as he is so innocent. In the story of the little red hen, she gets caught by the wolf in a wide white sack, and he tries to take her home and eat her for dinner, so in our family catching you and putting you into a sack has become a euphemism for stranger danger. Ds is quite aware that going with strangers could lead to something nasty, and that it is OK to scream, shout, use "bad words", hit, bite, scratch, in that situation. However, he is just so little and cute that in my heart I know how easy it really would be just to scoop him up if you were a baddie. I also teach him ridiculous things, eg if a stranger asks you to come and see his puppies, you should run away, if a stranger offers you sweets, they will be poisoned, and so on!

nutcracker · 18/02/2004 15:56

I have lost me 4 yr old DD several times, as running away from me is one of her favourite things. I recently lost her whilst out shopping, as i was searching the shop, shouting franticlly, i spotted her holding a womens hand. I rushed over, and the women explained that she was taking her to customer services (she was heading in that direction, so i believed her), she also said to my dd "is this mommy", which was very responsible of her i suppose, but p**d me off at the time. I thought my dd was going to say No. Anyway, the more worrying thing, was that my dd was not at all worried about this women leading her away, and promtly dissapereared again 5 minutes later.

handlemecarefully · 18/02/2004 16:03

And there was me thinking that my dd might be more sensible by the time she reached the grand old age of 4!

Crunchie · 18/02/2004 16:12

Nutcracker that sounds like my DD's!! I am so useless I regularly 'lose' my children as I probably give them too much freedom. I always say to them stay in view, but if we go to town on Saturday they spend all their time trying to play hide and seek in the clothes rails. It is a nightmare. Usually I can hear them laughing away, so it is OK. But New Look seems to be the fave for wandering off. Twice I have had little moments when the younger one (nearly 3) has disappeared.

nutcracker · 18/02/2004 16:15

My DD got lost in New Look too. She had gone in to the changing room. I had searched the shop and was just about to go frantically running outside when i realised i hadn't checked the changing rooms. She was in there, sitting on a stool pulling a face in the mirror. I was very annoyed as there was an assistant in there and she hadn't said a word.

Azure · 18/02/2004 16:41

These stories have really worried me. I haven't said anything yet to DS (2.5) about stranger-danger. How do you do it without scaring them witless?

Hulababy · 18/02/2004 16:47

Blu - that is terrifying

DD is normally really good at staying near me and knows she has to be able to see me and me her when we are out. TBH she is normally no more than 5 or 6 steps away from me even when out. When walking where busy she is always on reins. Even though she is still really young I think it is so important to teach her basic rules when we are out and about and she is starting to grasp that.

Trouble is that second they go missing is literally a second isn't it? And for me, in a realtively 'safe' area where I thought she was pretty contained. It's stressful this parenting lark isn't it (at times)?

twiglett · 18/02/2004 17:26

message withdrawn

Imperfect · 18/02/2004 19:06

I don't know what you were trying to say, Prettycandles. It sounds like a go at people like me who aren't as perfect as you are at getting their children to stay always in sight. Either because we do let our kids out of pushchairs, or we don't use reins or we can't make our children mind or we had too many too close together -- I can't tell what you are trying to say. I'm not posting under my usual Mumsnet name, in case this thread really is supposed to be a go at parents like me.

Bekki · 18/02/2004 19:37

I wouldn't worry imperfect. I think a some mums have perfect children who want to hold their parents hands and stay put. But they definatley aren't my children.
Kids do go missing. They usually end up a few seconds later.
My ds1 has no fear and despite constant warnings he runs off and thinks its hysterical.
These things happen. Unfortunatley no parent can stay ever vigilant.

Hulababy · 18/02/2004 19:43

Well I prooved yesterday that I am not perfect either; never thought I was before though. DD is a fab child too and super for me majority of the time but IME it happens to us all and I hope to God that it is always sorted out quickly for us all.

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