Losing patience with 8yr old and food.

[Bellini28]

First time posting here so sorry if this subject comes up regularly.
My eight year old DD is driving me insane with her picky ways. I cook almost every day plus there is always chopped fruit etc available in the fridge (though she can be very picky about that too) My problem is her attitude. She makes her mind up about something before even tasting it. Our diet is fairly wholesome and varied but not so extreme where flavours are repellent to a child. My feeling is she is just being a precious madam and would happily rotate her three favourite meals, combined with certain fruit, yogurts etc.

I have wondered if I am being too hard on her but she really is annoying me. So much so that after the same performance over lunch I have confiscated her Nintendo. Am I being too hard? And any suggestions? It really is such a regular thing. I am so tired of making separate meals for her and pandering to her tastes especially when my cooking is decent. It has got to the point where I dread her face at mealtimes. Anyone else had experience with this?

I don't think you should try to control food like this. I sympathise though; I know what not to do but don't know what to actually do. It 'a very easy to say just put dinner out and they can choose whether to eat it if you have a DC with a reasonable appetite and range if food. I don't, so there is a lot of cheesy pasta / sausages / roast chicken eaten here...

I have a fussy child and if I am honest I am quite strict about food. The biggest thing I've learnt is not to make a huge issue about it.
I don't make separate meals - we all eat the same. If he doesn't like it, fine but there is nothing else. I try and cook a couple of meals a week he really likes.
He hasn't starved and he is trying new things.
Whatever you do keep your cool.

Not my child but a dfriend's child. It is tedious and I am sure she will grow out of it as I was very fussy until boarding school and starvation made me relish every mouthful I ever came across (and now would like not to adore every type of food going). would it help to freeze portions of her favourites so you can be more adventurous with everyone else but she'll still be happy with her defrosted favourite? I find when my and df's kids are together 5 of them will eat whatever's going and one will turn her nose up so I end up giving them the same pasta & sauce meal every day so as not to get upset. My DD was fussy when small & the advice from several doctors was not to make an issue out of it - she's not eating for you but for herself so don't take it personally (easier said than done I'll admit)

What does she like? Is it reasonably healthy?

Can you get her involved in making meals and choosing new ones? Shes old enough to discuss different food groups and help work out what goes into a balanced meal.

I do sympathise though - my dd is not fussy at all. DP eats no fruit or veg (except potato). Its a blimmin nightmare (though he generally eats what we do...just with no veg...if hes still hungry he can make himself something later)

I am so tired of making separate meals for her and pandering to her tastes especially when my cooking is decent.

Well don't then.
One of my dc is fussy, but I'm not running a cafe or restaurant here - the main meal is what it is, you choose to eat it or go hungry. Where it's easy we serve her something that might be slightly different - say, don't put the sauce on something - but she's not getting a separate menu, that would just be discouraging her from eating what the main meal is, surely ?

Yes, why are you making separate meals for her? Are you running a Little Chef?

To a degree, I would aim to cook reasonably mainstream things that most people wouldn't have a problem with, but if she won't eat it, then it's bread and butter or tough.

Ds was the same, a right old fusspot. Slighly better at 13, but would definitely be happier with his three favourite meals (of junk food).

I survive by just focusing my attention elsewhere. I cook what I cook, he eats or doesn't eat, there is nothing else, rude comments to the cook are not allowed, but no force feeding or stressing. He turns up at the table, sits there until the meal is over, job done.

Thanks for all your replies. Yes I am stressing too much, letting her get to me and then losing my temper... Which I swear she likes! Little minx.

Can I ask if you give snacks after they have refused dinner/lunch?
My DD will turn her nose up or lie saying she is full (after a mouthful and moving it around the plate) then half an hour later she is asking for some fruit or a yogurt with honey... She knows not to ask for biscuits for example an is smart enough to request the 'healthier' snacks. I always give in... But I wonder if I am supposed to refuse... Even though it feels wrong!

Am normally a confident mother and maybe it is being pregnant but this issue is really getting me down.

Thanks again.

I feel your pain dd1 went through this but is out the other side. Dd2 is just starting it .

With dd1 I did the whole shouty battle of wills thing. Dd2 is dc3of4 and I just haven't got the inclination to battle again.

I serve one meal and will make compromise - so eg spag bog, if she eats one spoonful of sauce on her pasta she can have the rest with just cheese. Meat & veg dinners always have 1 veg that they a like and I ask them to try 1 piece of others.

If she doesn't want to eat it, I try (and succeed 9/10) to not make an issue and just repeat that if she's not hungry she doesn't have to eat it but that there is NOTHING else. We don't usually have puddings so this isn't a problem.

As an aside, dc4 has always been an erratic eater but I really haven't stressed it - he eats anything if he is hungry (even after the "I don't like that" from looking at it) but will turn his nose up at his favourites if he isn't! He has never been forced to eat anything (unlike dd1!).

Sorry, my reply was really long

I wouldn't allow snacks initially - maybe start easing up a bit after a few weeks if she's doing better or if she genuinely tries things and doesn't like them?

for all those people who cook one meal for everyone wether they like it or not

How many times a week would you cook something YOU or YOUR PARTNER didnt like? with no other option? and nothing else till morning?

You are being hypocritical.

Everyone has equal value in our household and i wouldnt expect anyone to eat anything they didnt like. Yes it means limiting the food we eat, and yes it means cooking more than one meal, but we have a freezer, its not that much trouble

and you will find that food issues are often about control rather than anything else.

Minihaha - at least once a fortnight we have carbonara as the dc love it. I can't bear it but eat it. Because I am not willing to go down a route which ends up with me cooking 6 different meals to show respect to the likes/dislikes of my family.

But if you read my post, I am happy to compromise with meals. Just not happy to make 6 different meals. But no doubt I am failing my family and they will grow up damaged at having to eat things they don't especially like

you cannot make kids eat or love what they won't.

But you CAN say that her attitude is rude and unacceptable.

I have a picky 10 yr old, it has been drummed into him that he is NEVER allowed to be rude about food, as it has been lovingly prepared by one of his parents, and he hurts our feelings.

If he does not like it, he can eat a bit less of it. But no pudding if he is really fussy.

In that case he can top up on some plain bread before bed.

Every time he pulled a face, slumped at the table pushing his plate away, I would pull him up on it.

" I do not care if you don't eat it, but do not be rude about my food, and whatever you do, you will sit at the table until everyone is finished". I must have said that a fair few times!

He would then pick up his fork eventually and start eating.

He now eats loads of things he did not used to.

Mine is a nightmare - only seems to like beige food and doesnt like stuff touching each other. She ate everything as a baby/toddler and is gradually getting worse. She doesnt like anything in a sauce for example. Now she older I struggle a lot with family meals as my default tends to be salad in the summer, one pot meals like curry/casserole/chilli (with veg in) in the winter. Neither works for her. She will refuse point blank to eat something she doesnt want to and will go hungry rather than try - at home.

I find peer pressure and things like Brownie camp and school residentials have helped a bit as I refuse to make any dispensation. If she goes, she eats what she is given or goes without. We have gradually added some more variety this way. She shocked me on holiday by ordering Lasagne in a restaurant and eating it all.

I don't make a huge issue of it - i encourage her to choose food in the supermarket and to cook/help cook, which she loves. She made a lovely thai red curry once - but would not even taste it. I tend to split between cooking something everyone will eat - fish and chips, roast dinner, chicken and veg etc and giving her something else on the nights we want a curry or something.

It drives me batty.

i never said anyone was damaging anyone else. i merely explained that there is another way to look at the issue.

do you really want to get into a power struggle with (girls in particular) when it could so easily turn into anorexia or bulmia.

No i'm not saying that one thing casues the other... im saying that you dont want to start a power struggle over food at a young age.

badroly touchy much?

"Minihaha - at least once a fortnight we have carbonara as the dc love it. I can't bear it but eat it"

But that's just daft! People are allowed not to like things- grown ups and children. There's a difference between really not liking something you've tried, and refusing to try/liking it one week and not the next. My ds genuinely doesn't like spaghetti bolognaise. The rest of us love it. So he has his pasta with a blob of cream cheese, some chopped ham and some peas. Which he does himself, and has done since he was about 7. What would be gained from forcing him to eat bolognaise, or the rest of us to eat his concoction?

With my picky 3yo, I generally only make one meal (unless it's something really extreme like curry, then she can have a tin of pasta shapes - I mix peas in to make it a bit more balanced).

She gets given the meal and encouraged to try everything. If she really doesn't like it she can have some bread and cucumber, which she likes, to fill her up (she often does like the protein part so this makes up a more balanced meal).

There is no rule about finishing everything but you can only have pudding if you have eaten a reasonable amount of main course (same goes for everyone and we explain this is about getting a balance of foods). Pudding might be yoghurt, something homemade like apple pie, etc.

It does annoy me that she rejects so many foods, but with this system at least there is no fuss or drama. I know my DD will eat more things at nursery than she does at home and part of it is just about seeing what she can get away with. Rising to it and getting cross would definitely be a result for her!

Maybe I am touchy yes - but apparently I am hypocritical because I only cook one meal whether we all like it or not.

And yes I might be daft for eating a meal regularly that I don't like.

But I was trying to show that it's all about compromise and part of that, in our house, is to eat meals that we wouldn't necessarily choose ourselves because everyone gets a say in what we eat.

So I do expect my dc to eat foods they might not like. I do not expect them to eat very much though, which I think I pointed out in my original post.

If the approach I have taken with my family comes back to bite me with 4dc with eating disorders, then I'm sure you can take great delight in telling me that it's all my fault.

I said that people who cook food their kids don't like whilst eating tbe food they do lime are hypocrites.

You seem to be deliberately baiting me...With your last comment.

I think I was being baity with my last reply and I'm sorry. I will try and clarify why I have overreacted about something that doesn't really matter in the grand scheme things!

I thought I had answered the op sympathetically and shared my own experience with the change in parenting style I had made between dc1 and the following children.

Dc1 ate everything put in front of her. Then almost overnight, around 6 or 7 she went form eating almost anything to eating almost nothing. We gave alternatives, we had battles of will/control, we tried the licking thing, you name it, we probably tried it.

Then she told us she didn't like the texture of onion. So I stopped using onion and it all improved slowly. Now, at 12 she will try most things.

So now dc3 is turning her nose up at every meal, there is no battle/arguing discussion. There is one meal. Everyone is expected to try a bit - so tonight is chilli. Everyone will have a dessert spoon of chilli with their rice. Those that want more can have more, those that don't can have more plain rice. Doesn't matter.

Chilli was chosen this week by dd1. Most weeks, the dc choose a meal so that everyone gets a 'favourite' meal certainly every fortnight. Hence the carbonara.

So, I made my original post and it was followed by yours - about hypocritical parents feeding their children things they don't like but not doing the same themselves. And I read it as I a controlling parent who was going to create food issues for my dc (therefore damaging them?).

Then I get told I'm daft for eating something I don't like by another poster! Which maybe is the case but I hope I have explained the logic behind it in this post.

So yes, I did overreact and I apologise if you felt it was a personal attack. I only ever came onto this thread to try and offer support.

Now I'm off to enjoy chilli with my dc...

Here, there is one meal made and that's it. Anyone who doesn't eat it - tough. There's nothing else!

however - everyone gets input into the family menu. Each night there is an item on the menu that everyone likes. Also sauce may be left off or whatever if someone objects to that.

If I make something different and it's clear that ds is hungry but honestly doesn't like it, he just has to have a try and if its really something he objects to taste wise (v rare) he can have crudités and bread or something. But generally unless a decent amount is eaten (fine if you're just not hungry) there's nothing else on offer.

I do sometimes offer ds supper before bed though but that's treated as a separate meal to dinner.

"If the approach I have taken with my family comes back to bite me with 4dc with eating disorders, then I'm sure you can take great delight in telling me that it's all my fault."

But you said you ate carbonara which you "can't bear". There's a difference between eating something that might not be your favourite and eating something you"can't bear". Why shouldn't children- and adults - have foods they really don't like? My Dp, for example, loves mackerel. The rest of us don't. So we'll all have fish- but he'll have mackerel and we'll have a different fish. Are you saying that we should all eat mackerel even if we don't like it because Dp does?

BadRoly I totally understood what you were saying as I have everyone else and thank you for your input. It is a touchy subject as - well for me anyway - we end up feeling guilty... I don't think it's hypocritical either... I mean there are different tastes/fancies etc. I wish I could have my four favourite dishes every night but it doesn't work like that... This is what I am trying to explain to DD

I have sat her down tonight and had a chat about things... Let's see..

Hate a great evening.

There are a couple of Supernanny and Jo Frost Extreme Parental Guidance programmes which deal with food issues. I'm afraid that I can't instantly find a link to the episodes in question, but they are worth chasing down. She got results in the various cases.