Managing sibling jealousy (sorry, a bit long)

[Daisybell1]

This is hypothetical I'm afraid as dd is still a one and only but I don't know where to post this.

I suffered from extreme sibling jealousy as a child and still struggle with the labels my parents gave me at the time over it. It's only now I'm in my late 30s that I have built a better relationship with my sister, but I know I'm still heavily influenced by my perceptions of my childhood.

The issue now is that dd is approaching the age where if I were to fall pregnant again then there would be a similar gap. I have tried desperately to avoid this but 3 mcs in the last year have meant we are where we are.

I'm at the point of sticking with just dd and avoiding this whole situation - I know that she could have an amazing life as a single. And interestingly I'd have 3 like a shot, but the mcs mean I can't necessarily guarantee we could have a 3rd and so 'risk' stopping at 2.

I guess my reason for asking here is - what are the modern strategies recommended for managing siblings? I think I need to do some reading up on this (as any references to children becoming 'big sisters' and 'your baby sister/brother' make me want to weep, stamp my feet and behave very childishly).

Thank you

Oh ps I tried therapy for this, but I just couldn't manage the time no childcare for dd beyond my working hours.

What labels did your parents give you?

Thank you Cailin

When they expressed it they told me I was a nasty, mean, horrible child for feeling jealous of my sister (I first remember this when I was 3 or 4).

And I felt completely overshadowed by my sister - she effortlessly exceeded everything I strived to do (parents had very strict ideas of what qualified as success - only 'academic' subjects were acceptable, ballet and music exams etc etc) so I also had the less intelligent and lazy labels too. And in my teenage years my mum called me a slut (although I thing she meant it in the Godfrey Sodding Bloom way rather than a sexual way).

I also suffered with my sister's violent temper and lived in fear (as the whole family did) of upsetting her, and had bruises from the age of about 5 which I remember covering up so my parents didn't see

And typing that lot out it sounds horrendous, doesn't it? But it, on the surface, was a nice middle class family...

I should have said - I'm scared of my dd having the same feelings through her childhood as I did (although I'm fully aware that DP and I are not my parents), but I'm also afraid that I may not be able to engage with a sibling properly because of these feelings - I have found myself shutting down if dd has tantrums etc as emotionally I revert to being an 8yo listening to my sister scream at everyone....

God you poor thing. It seems to me that rather than this being a case of normal sibling jealousy your parents were actually abusive and contributed to the problems between you and your sister. Do you think that's the case?

My counsellor also used the word abuse. So its not the first time I've heard it, but I still feel guilty for considering it abuse (if that makes sense?). My counsellor also said that it sounds like I simply wasn't heard throughout my childhood and that does chime with my experience (I tried to be 'good' as per the definition in all the 1950s literature I was given to read, but ended up being colourless, insipid and, in my sister's view, very passive aggressive).

I think that certainly my parents didn't manage the situation well - they were both only children so had no experience of siblings and how to manage things. My mum is similarly hot tempered so there was a lot of screaming, my dad is calmer like me, but my sister was his wonder child.

I'm sure it wasn't that bad permanently, but my brain seems to have filtered out the other stuff. I do know that my mum went to bed for about a year when I was about 5 - she says it was ME, and I also know she had mental health issues throughout my childhood. I have heard that she felt my sister missed out a lot when she was ill, and it would make sense that she has constantly strived to make it up to her, despite my sister consistently treating her like shit.

Sorry, this is very jumbled, and long - sorry

How is your relationship with your parents now?

You may think this is mad but its honestly ok - apart from when they try and rearrange dd's birthday party as its not convenient for my sister, or they call dd by my sister's name (spotting a pattern yet? )

My god parents do mess you up don't they!

You poor thing. I know how hard childcare can be but i do think you need to find time for some therapy. You need to sort your feelings in your own mind or you'll spend the whole pg and childhood anxious.

The simple fact that you care about their relationship means they will have a massive headstart. Ds is 3.3 and dd is 5m. We spent a lot of time with Ds explaining to him about having a baby sister, what it will be like at first (lots of crying/sleeping/bfeeding) what he could do to help and what he could teach her (smile, laugh, talk, walk economic). That she would be fun but not for a while. We also took him to the scans which he loved but not for everyone.

His behaviour took a minor hit for a while around the 8-10wk mark when he realised she was staying but he's so loving towards her, if makes my heart hurt in a good way.

You can never guarantee a sibling relationship but you can encourage it and protect from sibling abuse (in the way you were not).

I understand sibling rivalry is a good read. I used a different book but on phone so will repost as can't remember the title. Do some reading now and see if you could handle it. But remember the issues you read about are the ones that you will avoid not that your dd will experience. I'm a knowledge is power type person.

I grew up as a middle child of 3 and i can tell you that having 3 will most definitely not avoid sibling issues!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B0050C8730/ref=mp_s_a_1_9?qid=1380359226&sr=8-9&pi=AC_SX110_SY165 Raising happy brothers and sisters is the book i used. Covered pregnancy stages too and what to do early on. I liked it.

A sibling can be a blessing or they can be the opposite. Depends on personalities but most importantly how it's handled. Either way, you should base your decision on whether you enjoy being a parent and want another. Don't let your abused childhood hold you back OP. You are not your parents.

Sorry, link here

I am sorry that you had. Difficult time when you were younger and understand why you are wary or history repeating itself. However, as others have said, you are not your parents. You can raise your family in your own way and I am sure because of your experience you will go out of your way to ensure that you don't give preferential treatment to one child. You know how it feels to lack attention etc so you would never do the ae with your own children.

In terms of how they get on this can't be guaranteed. My sis and I went to the same school and were academically quite equal though in totally different areas - her in science me in arts. I guess it was good that we both had our 'thing' that we were good at and could help the other with. It's probably a good idea to encourage difference strengths.

I think you should go for it. You are not your dp and it would be a shame to miss out on the experience of a sibling for your child. We make our own way in life. I know lots of children of divorced parents say they would never marry etc because they have seen how awful marriage can be etc. but don't let your childhood close you off to what you be a lovely thing!

How did you react to the birthday/name thing? And what was the outcome?

Thank you all,

Barberry - my work can arrange counselling so I'll see if they can do something more flexible/local to me. Even over the phone could be useful. I do wonder at times if this is linked to grief from the mcs - I spent so long (especially with the first mc) raving about why a small age gap would be so good, and each time I have to adjust to a different reality.

Thank you for the link to the book - I'll see if I can get it from the library. And that's an interesting point about 3 - I guess I'd hung onto 3 as a concept of a big happy family where everyone jumbles along, but then I guess one gets left out and can't always find a niche.

Yummymummy - playing to strengths sounds like an obvious solution - in the end my sister ended up specialising in different areas, but school felt like a long time to be lumped together. And you, and the others are right, we are not my parents (for one, I would never demean practical or vocational subjects as they did) and I would make sure DD doesn't miss out if she has a sibling (but then I worry I may swing too much the other way and favour her over DC2 because of history).

Cailin - the name happens frequently, its always my dad, and I just correct him with varying degrees of exasperation. I've not explained it upsets me as they'd have a lot of issues with how I feel (and I then feel I'm playing into the nasty, childish, jealous label). The party got moved too but worked out ok (but I'm used to it - when I got married to ex-h I had to move the date as it didn't suit her). I'm sure I'm perpetuating the problem by not reacting more strongly...

The only time when I might really pull them up on it is if I do ever have dc2 and they start replicating my childhood.

You should read 'sibling rivalry sibling love'. Great to help you with your own children but also helps you think about your own relationships.

Thank you "whyno" I'll look that one up too

Oh hell sorry, that was supposed to be whyno

I was just coming on to say Siblings Without Rivalry. It is the book that will help you come to terms with what your parents did to you . It addresses the impact the whole 'putting into roles' and favouritism has on people throughout their lives.
Siblings without Rivalry

Best of luck op.

re the arrival of a new baby Siblings Without Rivalry would encourage you as a parent to understand, sympathise and acknowledge the negative emotions around the arrival of a new baby for a sibling. The exercise I remember goes like this "Imagine your husband says you are such a nice wife I think I will get another one! She can have your old bed and the clothes you have grown out of." Then to think about how that makes YOU feel.

The idea is to help you acknowledge the reality of the negative emotion from your child, how it is UNDERSTANDABLE. The book gives you ways of listening and reflecting back to the child so that they feel heard and understood. Feeling understood is key to overcoming negative feelings and building a better relationship.

Completely the opposite of what your parents did to you

This is only a small, imperfectly recollected snapshot of the help this book offers, I do hope you find it helpful too.

I'm sorry for not coming back to say thank you for the recommendations. The books are safely on my kindle for reading when I feel brave enough.

I've seen a lot of my parents over the last few weeks and have been scrutinizing their behaviour towards me and dd. They're always very keen for dd to spend lots of time with my sister. I'm trying not to be paranoid about this and just grab the free babysitting with both hands!!!