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Original poster

Am I ridiculous?

37 replies

Jammee · 22/08/2013 13:03

Sorry if this is the wrong place for this but:
DH, DD and I have been invited to a wedding next month. The couple want children and babies (my DD is 7m/o) to be looked after by friends of the family is a sort of private pop-up creche during the ceremony (which I completely understand).

However, my DD has never been away from DH or I. I have only left her on her own with DH once and that was last week for three hours, so she is not used to being away from me and has never been away from both of us at the same time. No one has ever baby sat, fed her or even changed a nappy and she is clingy and I am neurotic, too.

I'm not keen on the idea of people I don't know looking after her, even if it's only for a short while. I don't want to impose on the couple as it's their day, so I can't help feeling that hubby should go alone or I should only go for the second half so that I can keep DD with me. Hubby and groom are trying to reassure me and I feel like I'm being stupid and pathetic but I really hate the idea of leaving her with strangers, especially as it's not even a proper daycare place.

Am I pathetic?

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meditrina · 22/08/2013 13:18

No, you're not athletic.

I suggest you go to the wedding and then when you take her to the crèche, say you need to stay until you're sure she's settled as she's not used to being left. She might surprise you by being just fine, or she might be as you predict, in which case you stay. It means you miss the ceremony, but are still a 'full' guest (IYSWIM - like all the children)

In the longer term, you might want to think about how you get DD used to being with people other than you. I don't mean completely changing how you go about parenting, but consider involving DH more, so you are confident leaving them together, and then perhaps a few other breaks (GPs, best friends) just in case you ever need an emergency parking place. For knowing she can be left is one fewer thing to worry about. And, of course, so that you and DH sometimes get a bit of time to be a couple as well as parents.

meditrina · 22/08/2013 13:19

'athletic'?

Sorry, no idea whether you are that or not. DYAC, should have been 'pathetic'

meandtheboys · 22/08/2013 13:30

No you're not pathetic. I wouldn't have liked it either. Some mums and babies are OK with it and that's fine but BOTH my boys would have screamed at that age if they were with a stranger. DS2 is 19 months and I still haven't left him with anyone but DH. I was the same with DS1 and he's grown up fine and indpendant. He's at full time school now and is very sociable. You're not being neurotic you're being a concerned mum which is fine. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with. x

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BackforGood · 22/08/2013 13:31

Well, I wouldn't use words like 'ridiculous' or 'pathetic', but I do think it's a strange way to lead your life. Ignoring the particular wedding situation - like Meditrina, I'd have thought that was fairly easily solvable by staying in the creche so you are still 'there' at the wedding, but don't have to leave her this time - I do however think it very strange that a 7 month old has only once been left with her Dad (presuming you aren't forgetting to mention he's been working away for the last 6 and a half months?).
What would you do if you had a sudden emergency ? - had to be at someone's hospital bedside or something ? I don't think it's particularly sensible or healthy to have a child so attached to you they won't (or you won't let them???) stay with anyone else for a short while.

teacher123 · 22/08/2013 13:43

You're not ridiculous, at all but as a PP said, it is an idea to get your dd used to being with other people. If there's an emergency and I need to go somewhere without him, I need to know that DS will be ok. (He's now 16mo)

debbie1412 · 22/08/2013 13:54

No I wouldn't be able to leave my 9 month old. She would be so distressed. Your not being pathetic at all x

Original poster

Jammee · 22/08/2013 14:01

DH is very involved. He does a lot with her but I am usually with him as we tend to do everything at the weekends as a family. Neither of us has any friends in our home town that don't have babies so if I go to meet friends, DD comes too, as all the mums bring their little ones. I breastfeed every 2 hours for up to an hour at a time so unless I have expressed and got a bottle for her I can't leave her. I didn't think that was weird. I thought I spent a normal amount of time with my daughter. I guess not.

I haven't stopped other people looking after her but no one has offered. As it's the first time she will be left on her own I'm just uncomfortable about her being with people I've never met before. Usually, a relative or friend would babysit or something I suppose? I don't have anyone to ask so I guess I'm worrying that her first time without us will be with people we don't even know.

It's a good idea to drop her off early though so that I can wait with her and see how she is.

OP posts:

teacher123 · 22/08/2013 14:10

I don't think it's weird, but if it's affecting your ability to enjoy things then maybe it's time to make a few small changes so that you can leave her confidently with other people. Do you have a relative or a friend who could come with you just for the ceremony and take dd for a walk? That might be a compromise you're happy with?

Thurlow · 22/08/2013 14:11

By ceremony, do you mean the wedding ceremony, or including the dinner too?

It's entirely up to you what you are comfortable with as regards leaving your daughter. There is a first time for everything, though, and I would think about going into this with an open mind. Go, see what the people looking after the children are like, see if your daughter seems happy and distracted and, if so, go to the ceremony but sit at the back so someone can come in and get you if your daughter gets upset.

Children can surprise you and be happy being left when you expect them not to be

I would go to the wedding and don't think 'no, I'm not going to go to the ceremony' for definite, but see how it goes.

meditrina · 22/08/2013 14:13

It's OK - you don't have to leave your baby until you want to. My first two were rather Velcro and I doubt I'd have been able to leave them in a random crèche at that age either, but both could be left with DH (so we'd have had a choice in circumstance like this of who stayed with the baby and who attended the ceremony).

(The youngest tended to get dumped on all sorts of people, and could have been left happily with wolves from a very early age).

KatOD · 22/08/2013 14:19

You're not being pathetic (loving the non-athletic assertion btw brilliant!).

My DD was fine with people she knew at that age and actually went to nursery at 7mo three days a week... But there's no way I would have left her with someone she didn't know and I hadn't had settling in sessions with. Don't beat yourself up about it, do what makes you feel comfortable as you know your child best!

KatAndKit · 22/08/2013 14:29

A baby of that age needs one on one care, or at least one adult looking after the baby and one other child. A couple of friends minding all the kids is ok if the kids are older but not for a baby. If it was me either dh or i would miss the ceremony depending on whose side of the family the wedding was. My ds is 16 months and i would not expect him to be happy being left with someone he has never met before.

mummyxtwo · 22/08/2013 19:53

I do think it's a strange way to lead your life

Sorry but I have to disagree with the above as that is just too big a generalisation. My dd2 has only been left once properly with her dad (all afternoon as opposed to my nipping to the shops for example) and once with a babysitter. Not because I want her completely attached to me at all times, but because dh is a surgeon and works very long hours and I largely brought her up by myself for the first 6 months, and because we have no family nearby to help out (nearest relative is 4 hours drive away). I do want her to get used to the idea that I can go away and come back, and left her for a short period in Sunday school creche, but I don't think there is anything "strange" about Mum being with them all the time if she is happy to be - they are just small babies, not older children with an embarrassing inability to let Mum out of their sight.

Original poster

Jammee · 22/08/2013 20:21

Thanks, mummytwo

I must admit, I was a bit upset by that. I don't deliberately try to keep DD with me at all times or stop DH being alone with her but with her frequent feeding and DH's long hours in finance in London, he basically can't help during the week. We don't really have any friends (other than the mums I've met at baby classes) where we live so we just spend the weekends together (especially as neither DD or I have seen much of DH during the week). As we spends weekends together it means DH hasn't been left alone with her until recently.

I'd love a break from her and the constant feeding but as I said, we don't have a big network of friends and family can't/won't help. I wanted reassurance/perspective on leaving her with strangers at a wedding and whether I was being OTT but now I feel like I'm abnormal for not having many friends or family involved.

OP posts:

lola88 · 22/08/2013 21:20

I am really relaxed about leaving DS he stays with my mum, my sister, my gran DP's mum and dad but theres no way i would leave him in an unofficial creche he'd have a fit.

Jojay · 22/08/2013 21:32

YANBU. I wouldn't have left my baby with people I'd never met either.

In your personal circumstances, I'm not surprised she hasn't spent much time apart from you either. If you're a SAHM /still on mat leave, and a breast feeder to boot, that's often how it goes.

My twins have just turned two and I've rarely left them as I'm now a SAHM and strangely enough I don't have people queuing up to take both of them off my hands.

With my older kids though, they were both in part time childcare by that age, so it wouldn't have seemed so strange, though I still don't think I'd leave them with people I'd never met.

They'll all turn out just fine though. Please don't think you've done anything wrong

happydaze77 · 22/08/2013 21:33

You're not pathetic at all.
She's too young to be left with people she doesn't know. That's why nurseries have settling in periods!
I take it the bride and groom don't have children?

WhispersOfWickedness · 22/08/2013 21:46

I don't think there's anything unusual about a 7mo who hasn't been apart from mum for longer than an hour or two, especially if breast feeding. I'm a SAHM and neither of mine would have been happy to have been left at that age with people they didn't know. DS was incredibly sociable as well!

mummyxtwo · 23/08/2013 20:30

It's a little sad that many of us don't live near relatives I think - sometimes I wish things were a little more like previous generations where the grandparents and aunts and uncles lived nearby and all got stuck in with regard childcare. Then I imagine my own parents being in and out all the time and having a say in my dc's upbringing and I'm thankful that that isn't the case...

NewJewels · 25/08/2013 20:23

Jammee you are totally normal. :-) There are just a lot of people out there who aren't doing what is normal for a young family due to financial circumstances meaning they feel they have to return to work earlier and/or people not being supported enough breast feeding.

You seem to have a slightly more secure set-up for your family and are doing the best for her in terms of her diet. So, leaving her simply hasn't even been practical, let alone desirable.

In this situation I'd be having one parent (probably you as you're feeding unless you feel strongly about seeing the ceremony) stop with your baby in the crèche during the formal part before rejoining for the meal/whatever is happening after. NO WAY would my baby be left with unqualified strangers before they were at least talking.

FWIW I left my 1MO with DH for

AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 25/08/2013 20:37

I don't think you are pathetic or weird OP. I wouldn't have left DD either. She would have gone nuts at that age. Of course friends have left far younger DC in different types of childcare for far longer and that was absolutely the right call for them, so no judgement there either.

Every baby is different and you have to be true to yourself.

TheFallenNinja · 28/08/2013 04:12

No, your being perfectly normal.

The popup crèche though seems like a superb idea and a pragmatic attempt to include kids at a wedding.

Love it.

milktraylady · 28/08/2013 05:42

Just take your baby to the ceremony?
If she cries just quietly leave.
Just an idea!
I wouldn't leave my DD with people I don't know.

footyfan · 28/08/2013 07:15

I don't think you're being ridiculous at all. I would feel a little uncomfortable about as well. Just see how it goes on the day. You may go into the crèche and feel completely at ease and feel able to leave. If not, just stay with her.

Just to add: there's nothing remotely weird about how little time you've spent away from her so far. She's only 7 months old! My DS was the same - bf all the time (and a bottle refuser). It wasn't worth the hassle of me expressing - so I found it easier to stay with him. That stage doesn't last forever.

He's now an incredibly sociable laid back 2-year-old - and not at all clingy. Keep doing what suits you - and don't let other people make you feel what you're doing is strange!

fishandmonkey · 28/08/2013 07:31

i wouldn't even leave my 3yo with people i don't know!
i didn't leave my dd with anyone else until she was 2yo apart from the odd hour with dh.
ignore the posters saying you need to change your parenting. dcs are small for such a short period of time and during that time they need to be with people they love and trust.
it's my personal pet hate when people exclude children from weddings. very british i'm afraid. where my family are from (southern europe) no one would dream of leaving children out of a wedding.

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