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Original poster

Am I being silly to be scared about co-sleeping with a newborn?

33 replies

chesterberry · 15/08/2013 21:27

My DD will be one week old tomorrow. Currently I am sleeping in my bed and she is sleeping in a small crib which is positioned right next to my bed, her mattress is touching mine with the bar down and I can reach her easily without getting out of bed and give her cuddles and put her gently down to sleep. I am BF and this also works well for night feeds.

However, I am now worried I should have my baby in bed with me, especially as she spent her first night in an incubator. I have a friend who asked me if I was co-sleeping with my daughter and when I said no she said that as my daughter had to spend her first night in hospital in an incubator she has already been deprived of my touch and I should be allowing her as much contact with me as possible so that she develops healthily and that spending their first nights in an incubator has long-term effects which can be helped by co-sleeping.

I am not against the idea of co-sleeping, before I had my baby I thought we would co-sleep, but with her so tiny I just feel terrified I might roll onto her if I have her in my bed. I have seen lots of people on here say that they have co-slept with their babies so I know I must be being a bit ridiculous in being scared of this but I just cannot get over the idea that I could hurt her in my sleep. Can I ask how you co-sleep/slept safely without rolling onto your baby?

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mummysbigsmiles · 15/08/2013 21:34

You are right to be worried, i hear so much stories about people rolling over onto their babies and not knowing. It is the largest cause of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) i personally would say that your baby's crib is most certainly the best place for her.... There are, however lots of other ways of bonding.... I loved skin to skin as my daughter was bottle fed, i always spent an hour or two at night, topless with her just lying on me. Its completely your decision but I personally couldn't do it. I would be far too worried incase he or she fell out the bed or ended up under the duvet.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 15/08/2013 21:34

Nope - I was always too scared to do it as I was so fucking tired I really wasn't convinced I'd wake up before splitting DS

pommedechocolat · 15/08/2013 21:35

I never co slept with mine until they were a bit older (and only then out of desperation).

I would never feel comfy co sleeping with a tiny baby. Some people do some people don't. Horses for courses.

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Gobbolinothewitchscat · 15/08/2013 21:35

splatting

Mehrida · 15/08/2013 21:39

You are doing a lovely job as it is. Don't let your friend guilt you into something you're not comfortable with.

Fwiw, I spent my first night in an incubator and was v close to my DM. And I couldn't bf my own DS but I can't imagine ever being any closer to him.

If it aint broke, don't mess with it. You have the best of both worlds right now - safety and closeness.

ViviDeBeauvoir · 15/08/2013 21:41

Sounds as if you've already found something that works for you.

I co slept/co sleep with all three of my DCs but even with DC3 I still worried when he was a newborn as they are so tiny and fragile looking!
I have a bedside cot but its usually me who ends up half in there. Just carry in doing what you are happy with - you'll find that an abundance of unsolicited advice will come your way as everyone loves to comment on parenting but just do what suits you.
Congratulations and all the best. :)

CaptainUndercrackers · 15/08/2013 21:44

I can't give advice on safe co-sleeping as I haven't really done it. Maybe you should look here for practical tips kellymom.com/parenting/nighttime/familybed/.

But I would like to say two things: first, your friend is talking rubbish. Your baby will be just fine sleeping next to you in her crib and one night in an incubator just isn't going to do any damage to her emotionally at all. A secure, loving parent-child relationship cannot be broken down to 'sleep in the same bed'. You sound like a lovely mum and your daughter will be getting so much warmth and security from you all the time. You don't need to worry.

Second, co-sleeping is great if you want to, and can sleep well that way. I don't co- sleep with my children because I can't sleep and end up knackered. This defeats the object as far as I can see. If co-sleeping is important to you then great. But don't do it because you feel you 'should' or because your bonkers friend says you should.

SillyDecisionMaker · 15/08/2013 21:46

I felt fine co sleeping and still do at 4.5 months.
You are subconsciously aware of them so you don't squash them but if you aren't comfortable then don't feel pushed into it. I was the opposite of you - swore blind I wouldn't do it but now I prefer it.

Only you can say how much skin to skin you have. Like other posters say, have as much when you are awake and safe (its dangerous to fall asleep and co sleep by accident then it is prepare to co sleep).

The 'advice' given by your friend is slightly worrying. I was born very early and spent five months in hospital - I am happy, healthy and my mum is my best friend so please don't worry about one night in an incubator. My ds was in his goldfish bowl alot the first two days as I'd had a csection. He's fine. Do whats best for you.

YoniBottsBumgina · 15/08/2013 21:46

I loved co-sleeping but no of course you shouldn't do it if you don't feel safe.

Your friend is totally and utterly wrong and she doesn't sound like a very supportive friend to say those things! You sound like you're doing great.

exoticfruits · 15/08/2013 21:59

You are fine- do what you are happy with - unfortunately that is just the start of people telling you what you ought to be doing- there will be more! Get used to smiling, nodding and doing your own thing.

honeytea · 15/08/2013 22:16

There is reseach that shows the risk of co-sleeping andsids decreases dramatically after 3 or 4 months ( I can't remember the exact age) I felt once ds could roll over it was safe to have him in bed with me, before that I had a cot attached to my bed with one side taken off.

You just need to do what feels best for your family.

Congratulations!

mrsmartin1984 · 16/08/2013 01:44

Once I got over the fear of co sleeping it felt so natural. Remember it is how most of the world sleep with their children. And as you are breastfeeding it makes it so much easier and safer. Most of the horror stories you read are normally about people who are drunk or on drugs. And when I say drugs I don't just mean illegal ones, some prescription drugs make you drowsy and are not safe (I couldn;t take some medication for hayfever because I co slept).

Babies need to be close to their mothers.

RememberingMyPFEs · 16/08/2013 02:42

My DD is 19 days old and I co-sleep with her very occasionally when she won't settle (normally after a 5am ish feed) but I don't sleep well cos I'm so worried about her. Sleeping in a crib right next to you she can still hear and smell you close and you can respond quickly to her needs. Sounds to me like you're doing a great job and I wouldn't change a winning formula
Enjoy!

georgettemagritte · 16/08/2013 05:27

I co-slept from early on as baby wouldn't sleep otherwise, but I didn't (and still don't) sleep very well (am aware of baby in bed and am locked in one position which makes my arms hurt. If I could get her to sleep in a cot at the side of the bed I would. (Having said that, I'm currently awake at 5:26 because I woke up because she was reflux choking in her sleep, poor baby!) If a bedside cot is working for you, that sounds ideal. You get the safety of having her as near as possible but on a separate sleep surface. Don't worry about bonding, you can do lots of skin to skin and cuddles!

Fizzyfuzzy123 · 16/08/2013 05:35

My son was in an incubator for 5 nights then a cot for the remainder of his 2 week hospital stay. I was never told to co sleep in fact as my son was prem I was advised against it. He's certainly not deprived of my touch. Please don't listen to her. If you are happy and baby is don't change a thing

exoticfruits · 16/08/2013 06:40

The baby is close to you- the important thing is that you are relaxed, I can't see any need to get even closer and end up anxious and sleep deprived. People like to justify their own choices by thinking that everyone should make them.

Seb101 · 16/08/2013 08:33

I had a bad experience with co sleeping with my newborn. I'd fed her and we'd cuddled to sleep. I woke up 3 hours later, reached for my baby and she wasn't there! Huge panic! She was about half way down the bed, under the huge duvet!!! I don't think it's always true that you are subconsciously aware of them. At certain stages of deep sleep I'm completely dead to the world! I never fell asleep with her in the bed again. It scares me to death what could have happened! When I retrieved her from bottom of bed she was all red and hot!!

Meringue33 · 16/08/2013 08:37

Didn't do it til he was six months and a bit more robust looking.

I did actually roll on him one night but he was so chunky by then I woke up right away and he wasn't hurt, luckily.

MisselthwaiteManor · 16/08/2013 08:39

I'm sure the baby would cry for you if she felt she needed you closer. It sounds like you've already found a way that works for both of you so why mess with it? She's right there next to your bed and you are able to pick her up when needed, I can't see how co-sleeping would do anything more. I have to co sleep with my DD because she will not sleep alone, even with the cot next to our bed, and I hate it. I don't sleep because I'm watching her. I only get to sleep on the evenings while DH is playing with her. It doesn't work for everyone.

Meringue33 · 16/08/2013 08:40

Ps if you do decide to do it make sure you read up on safe co sleeping eg take duvet and pillows off your bed.

plummyjam · 17/08/2013 22:27

No duvet, just a blanket tucked between knees to stop it riding up. Wear a thick nightshirt to stop top half getting cold. Baby goes in grobag. I put my head to the edge of the pillow to stop me rolling forward (I never ever sleep on my front though). No alcohol or sedative drugs. Co-sleeping stopped me going mad with tiredness and now I enjoy it.

I can understand why it's not for everyone though. Me and DH are still in separate beds, as I wouldn't be happy for all 3 of us to be in anything smaller than a super king size and I do miss having a drink.

SirChenjin · 17/08/2013 22:30

We didn't co-sleep with any of our 3 - I worried that DH would roll onto them (he is a very sound sleeper) and I couldn't sleep for worrying generally.

If you don't want to, don't. They won't be deprived of anything.

flowerflo · 17/08/2013 23:04

I did exactly the same as you, crib next to the bed in touching distance. I never felt comfortable having DD in our bed as we are both heavy sleepers and I really worried we'd squash her. If you look at definitions of co-sleeping it actually describes 'sleeping in close proximity to your baby' but it doesn't necessarily mean 'sharing the same bed'. My personal opinion is that what you are currently doing has all the benefits of being close to your baby without the extra anxiety of having her in your bed :) Some of my friends had their DC in the bed but its definitely not for me. You have to do whatever feels right for you x

bemybebe · 17/08/2013 23:12

I co-slept with my baby for months and it was great for us. We also have bed nest, but I ended up having her next to me because I did not feel the need to move her back into it after she settled.

The right thing is the one that works for you.

maja00 · 17/08/2013 23:19

Sounds like you have found something that works for you and your baby OP, so don't let anyone tell you differently!

SirChenjin - you were right that sleeping next to dads is unsafe due to the risk of rolling - babies should only sleep next to the person breastfeeding them.

mummysbigsmiles - smothering or rolling on a baby isn't a cause of SIDS. SIDS is unexplained death, smothering is smothering.

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