Don't force apologies -what does this mean?

[Vijac]

I have a toddler and I have not made a decision to parent in any particular style, I am just doing what feels right and taking advice and ideas from where I choose.

I am interested in attachment parenting as one influence and I was reading something on discipline where it said 'don't force apologies', it should come from the heart. My son is 22 months and when he does something naughty eg. Pulls my hair, or deliberately pours a cup of milk on the floor, I tell him he shouldn't do that, and why eg. 'It makes a mess and now I have to clear it up when I'd like to be playing' and I then ask him to say sorry and give me a kiss. He usually does this happily but I have had to ask him a few times before when he has been being a bit grumpy about it. Is this approach wrong or damaging? I do also acknowledge his feelings eg. I know you are frustrated because you want xyz but you mustn't pull hair because you hurt mummy, say sorry to me. Then after he has apologised I move on. I do want to encourage good manners, but I don't want to stifle individuality and creativity. I'd say the sorry thing probably happens about twice a day. Any advice or thoughts?

Can't say that I agree with sending a 12yo to the naughty step though. As adults we have a certain basic awareness of dignity that other people do not infringe on however childishly we behave. This is basically a force for good because it also controls our behaviour most of the time.

A 12yo should be beginning to think of himself in that way- and when he does he will refuse to sit on the naughty step, just as we would refuse (even if we knew in our heart of hearts that we had behaved childishly). Once he is bigger than you, you can't manhandle him without serious risk of injuries to one of you- so you will be well and truly stuck.

By this age you really need to be thinking of other, less physical ways of discipline. And send a clear message to your ds that you will never think of him as a toddler again and that it is not acceptable for him to think of himself in that way either. He has to behave because he is on his way to being an adult, not because you can reduce him to the level of a toddler. (and yes, I had a 12yo ds until very recently)